Q: Dear Love Jays,
I am currently in a celibate relationship as well. My partner is a virgin, but I am not. We engage in other sexual activities, but no penetration of any kind. Although all of my past relationships have included sex, this has been the best relationship I’ve ever had. She is totally worth the wait; whenever that may be. While I’m not sure of the level of your celibacy, how do you keep the sexual intimacy in your relationship? Mr. J, as a man, how do you wrestle with the urges?
A: Dear Practicing Celibacy and Maintaining Sexual Intimacy,
A breath of fresh air! It’s always nice to read about other couples who practice celibacy. Funny to think back when I was completely against it – I vividly remember poking fun at one of my college teammates (dozens of times) for doing the exact same thing I would eventually do a couple of years later. Oh, the irony of life!
For those who are unfamiliar, Miss J and I haven’t always practiced celibacy. We were sexually active throughout the first four years of our relationship and felt (literally) it was time to change our ways in May 2012. We decided to remove all sexual activities from our appetite and kissing has become the fireworks of our relationship. There have definitely been moments when I wanted to round 1st base and head to 2nd or slide into 3rd, but each time, we have remained in control and stuck to our commitment.
I used to believe sex was the only way to be sexually intimate with Miss J. That is it’s purpose, right? Who could argue anything better than the moments of extreme passion shared when engaging in sex? While I wouldn’t argue against either, I will confidently say that practicing celibacy has given me a far better understanding of what intimacy really means. Removing all the sexual extras forces you to find new ways of being intimate.
Kissing. Rubbing. Hugging. Cuddling.
It’s so easy to take these actions for granted, but when it’s the only action available, you slowly gain an appreciation for those shared moments. I’m not even talking about long, drawn out processes either. A simple, heartfelt kiss lasting ten seconds will give me an emotional satisfaction far greater than it had in the past. When we get in the bed at night and our bodies cuddle against each other, I feel her love and passion. It’s a different feeling…a genuine and special feeling.
As for wrestling sexual urges, it’s important to identify the emotion and act accordingly. Self-control is key. Most of the time, I just get off the bed and walk around or go watch television/surf the internet. You just have to learn how to put yourself on timeout. If these don’t work, go spend some alone time and “relieve yourself” (Details not included). Exercise works, too. Getting in a good game of basketball at the local LA Fitness has yet to let me down.
Keep on keepin’ on!
Mr. J
A: Dear Seeking Sexual Intimacy,
I am going to cut right to the chase.
I understand celibacy can be difficult, especially considering you have had sex before. No sir, it is not easy and guess what? You are not supposed to be satisfied sexually!
I know it is hard especially when you care about someone so much, it’s natural to want to express that love and desire physically. Focus that energy on other aspects of your relationship. You would be surprised how many other ways there are to be intimate that don’t involve anything sexual.
I am not going to lie, it is going to be a struggle. You are human after all; but like you said, she is worth the wait. When the time comes I doubt your sexual intimacy will suffer. 1) Because you will be connected on a much deeper level and 2) because you will want each other like crazy!
Keep pushing!
Love,
Miss J
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