Episode 69: (S)expectations

  • When watching music videos was the thing to do.
  • Joy’s wisdom teeth removal and HARSH breath.
  • The downside of seeing movies after all the hype.
  • Esther Perel’s series on Audible and view on sexual compatibility.
  • Who is the gatekeeper for sex?
  • Why taboo subjects aren’t beneficial to growth.
  • Is it acceptable to call women females?
  • And much more!

Continue reading “Episode 69: (S)expectations”

Celibacy and Sexual Intimacy


Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am currently in a celibate relationship as well. My partner is a virgin, but I am not. We engage in other sexual activities, but no penetration of any kind. Although all of my past relationships have included sex, this has been the best relationship I’ve ever had. She is totally worth the wait; whenever that may be. While I’m not sure of the level of your celibacy, how do you keep the sexual intimacy in your relationship? Mr. J, as a man, how do you wrestle with the urges?

A: Dear Practicing Celibacy and Maintaining Sexual Intimacy,

A breath of fresh air! It’s always nice to read about other couples who practice celibacy. Funny to think back when I was completely against it – I vividly remember poking fun at one of my college teammates (dozens of times) for doing the exact same thing I would eventually do a couple of years later. Oh, the irony of life!

For those who are unfamiliar, Miss J and I haven’t always practiced celibacy. We were sexually active throughout the first four years of our relationship and felt (literally) it was time to change our ways in May 2012. We decided to remove all sexual activities from our appetite and kissing has become the fireworks of our relationship. There have definitely been moments when I wanted to round 1st base and head to 2nd or slide into 3rd, but each time, we have remained in control and stuck to our commitment.

I used to believe sex was the only way to be sexually intimate with Miss J. That is it’s purpose, right? Who could argue anything better than the moments of extreme passion shared when engaging in sex? While I wouldn’t argue against either, I will confidently say that practicing celibacy has given me a far better understanding of what intimacy really means. Removing all the sexual extras forces you to find new ways of being intimate.

Kissing. Rubbing. Hugging. Cuddling.

It’s so easy to take these actions for granted, but when it’s the only action available, you slowly gain an appreciation for those shared moments. I’m not even talking about long, drawn out processes either. A simple, heartfelt kiss lasting ten seconds will give me an emotional satisfaction far greater than it had in the past. When we get in the bed at night and our bodies cuddle against each other, I feel her love and passion. It’s a different feeling…a genuine and special feeling.

As for wrestling sexual urges, it’s important to identify the emotion and act accordingly. Self-control is key. Most of the time, I just get off the bed and walk around or go watch television/surf the internet. You just have to learn how to put yourself on timeout. If these don’t work, go spend some alone time and “relieve yourself” (Details not included). Exercise works, too. Getting in a good game of basketball at the local LA Fitness has yet to let me down.

Keep on keepin’ on!

Mr. J

A: Dear Seeking Sexual Intimacy,

I am going to cut right to the chase.

I understand celibacy can be difficult, especially considering you have had sex before. No sir, it is not easy and guess what? You are not supposed to be satisfied sexually!

I know it is hard especially when you care about someone so much, it’s natural to want to express that love and desire physically. Focus that energy on other aspects of your relationship. You would be surprised how many other ways there are to be intimate that don’t involve anything sexual.

I am not going to lie, it is going to be a struggle.  You are human after all; but like you said, she is worth the wait. When the time comes I doubt your sexual intimacy will suffer. 1) Because you will be connected on a much deeper level and 2) because you will want each other like crazy!

Keep pushing!


Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013

Below Average Sex

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Can you maintain a healthy relationship if the sex is terrible?

A: Dear It’s just not good,

If you are in a relationship and sex is an active ingredient, it will be very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship for a long period of time. Sex is the way our body communicates our feelings for another, good or bad. We have all had those intimate moments when our feelings are running high and the intimacy level is off the chart, yet we have also had those terrible moments when our head just isn’t in the right place and the sex is well below average.

Though it is not the only way of expressing our feelings, sexual intercourse definitely plays a strong part of maintaining intimacy. If you aren’t having sexual intercourse, you have found others ways to be intimate with each other, but once the leap is made, it’s our responsibility to treat our partner correctly. Some may suggest that we can teach them how to “sex us”, but if both aren’t emotionally and physically rocking to the same beat, it’s bound to collapse at some point. Let’s not forget about sex drive, either. If you are always ready to hit the sheets, yet it’s like pulling teeth to convince your partner to join…the relationships will slowly break apart.

It’s important to discover your feelings about sex and communicate it openly and honestly with your partner. If you’re not very good, let them know. If you don’t care for it too much, share that information too! Once everything is in the open, each can decide what route to take next!


Mr. J

A: Dear Close but No Cigar,

Is it possible to maintain a healthy relationship with bad sex? Sure. Is it likely you will be able to maintain a healthy relationship for an extended amount of time? Probably not.

When a couple decides to get physical, sex is high on the “needs to satisfy” list. Bad sex is just not satisfying. Period. Of course you can always attempt to teach your partner what it is exactly that satisfies you. If they can keep up, great; but if not… well…

As a woman I can say (for the most part) sex is an emotional act. We correlate the quality of sex with the intensity of a man’s deep desire to love/want us. Everyone is allowed an off day, but if it’s consistently bad that could be a sign. Think of your body as a puzzle, some pieces fit together perfectly and others don’t fit at all because they belong to another piece. Your partner may not be “bad” per say, they just might not be compatible with you. Good luck!


Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012