Q: Dear Love Jays,
Is it okay I’m dating one guy (we aren’t exclusive) and sleeping with another?
A: Dear Double Dippin’,
Non-exclusive dating gives you the freedom to date, sleep, or hang out with anyone your little heart desires. Dating is a time when you get to explore several options and decide which person (if any) has the potential of becoming more serious.
So, is it okay that you’re dating one and sleeping with another? Technically, yes. Would I recommend continuing this behavior? No. Sex embodies much more emotions than just the physical exchanges of pleasure between our “money spots”. Sex was designed to be shared between two people who are committed to each other and share something special. Casually having sex with people will eventually take its toll on the mental psyche of woman or man. I’m sure there are several of you who want to rebuttal my last statement, but rest assured – you will have your “aha” moment one day. Long story short, sex simply makes things complicated – physically and emotionally.
Easy advice – pick one and stick to ‘em! It’s much much easier to focus your attention on one person and will save you from emotional damage, even if you are unaware of it at this moment.. If you get bored of him, on to the next one. That’s the beauty of dating!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Boyfriend #2,
You are in the clear if you and both (or how ever many) men have agreed to the “non-exclusive clause”; however if anyone is under the impression you are just dating and/or sleeping with them you need to either have a conversation or drop whoever is just there for your disposal.
I want to get to the reason WHY you are asking.If you felt it was ok ,chances are you would not have to ask. The real question is, are YOU ok with sleeping with one guy and dating another? Women are emotional creatures, though things may be fun now maybe you are starting to subconsciously notice the balancing act is taking a toll on you.
If you are starting to question yourself maybe take a step back and determine which of the men, if any, you want to be with. If you are not questioning yourself at all and you truly just want the answer to this question I would say it’s ok if you are ok.
Best of luck!
Love,
Miss J
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© LoveJays 2012
Argument received and understood! Glad you were able to express your views and opinions towards an audience that may be uneducated about your lifestyle. 🙂
ShaunPhilly – it’s Mr. J! I genuinely appreciated reading your rebuttal. I’ve been waiting for someone to challenge our ideals, and you my friend, are the first! Not only did you comment on our blog, you even dedicated an entire blog post on your own page! Appreciate the free advertisement!
Onto your response.
Upon further reading my response, I clearly admitted that dating one and sleeping with another is okay; however, I wouldn’t recommend it. Are recommendations too much for your eyes to read? I believe in monogamy and you believe in polyamory. Neither is wrong, neither is right. You have your views and have mine. Unlike you, I won’t challenge your writings as “simply wrong” because my mind is open to other lifestyle options.
You claim to be open-minded, yet call me wrong – that in itself is a contradiction. “I am simply criticizing a view I disagree with, for what I believe to be good rational reasons.” When I give my opinions about sex and relationships using “good rational reasons”, I am wrong. But, when your advice using “good rational reasons”, you are right? Make up your mind!
You have found a very active lifestyle that you enjoy – great! I have found one that I enjoy, too. Looks like we are both winners, here.
You seem to have a problematic definition of open-mindedness, given what you said there. Open-mindedness does not mean you don’t come to a conclusion that something is wrong. It means that you consider the available evidence before making such judgments.
Here’s an excellent video that deals with the issue:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T69TOuqaqXI
I don’t think monogamy is wrong, but I do think that recommending people in the direction towards monogamy at the expense of non-monogamy demonstrates the privilege that monogamy enjoys in our culture. Your advice did not offer a neutral perspective, you were advocating for monogamy and against a non-monogamous possibility. I think that a polyamorous perspective offers all possibilities, including monogamy, and does not assume that the goal is to settle with one person, or that monogamy is somehow more serious or legitimate.
If you don’t understand what I mean, read this: http://polyskeptic.com/2012/03/25/accidental-monogamy-surviving-the-fires-of-polyamory/
Your recommendation took a situation where someone might quite happily accept some sort of non-monogamy and suggested that it would lead to harm in the long term, which is simply not true for many people, especially if you do it in healthy ways.
Just because I give advice to another expressing my “pro-monogamy” views does not mean I am against your way of living. She easily could respond and say I’m perfectly happy sleeping with multiple men and it doesn’t bother me. If that’s the case – great! I’m all about people being happy. But as Ms. J alluded to in her answer, why would she be asking the question if she felt comfortable in her actions?
It’s funny how adamant you in are refuting everything I wrote, yet I agree with the how you closed your blog post.
“So, my advice to Double Dippin’; Love who you love, how you love them (even if it’s just dirty, fun, sex) openly, honestly, and with consideration and respect.”
The two most important words in the sentence above is consideration and respect. Call me crazy, but I have a feeling that the parties involved are most likely unaware of each other!
(apparently the response tree ends after three branches…)
I’m glad to hear that you are ok with my lifestyle, but that does not change the fact that when presented with a situation that screams for a response which should include polyamory (or some form of non-monogamy) as a possibility, you advise against that direction. So while you are theoretically fine with polyamory, you actively advise against it. This is the essential problem.
This is evidence of the privilege that the monogamous worldview has in our culture. In my opinion, it is a problem and needs to be addressed by people who give advice about sex, relationships, etc. Advocating for monogamy is acting in opposition to non-monogamy (by definition), whereas advocating for polyamory actually includes monogamy (the link I put in my last comment talks about that), and so it is inclusive of any direction relationships take. Monogamy-advocacy, in short, is parochial and limiting while polyamorous advice includes monogamy, and is thus optimal as a foundation for sex/relationship advice.
Your advice is part of the problem because while you are not opposed to non-monogamy, your actual advice is detrimental to its consideration in real life situations. You may not be intending to do so, but you are contributing to what makes our lives, as polyamorous people, harder.
Where we polyamorous people look for acceptance, we run into ignorance and opposition because people run into advice by people such as yourself who are not aware of, opposed to, or under-educated about polyamory. Thus, your advice is monogamy-privileged, and thus discriminatory against polyamory. Granted, this complaint is minor in comparison with other discrimination in our culture, but it is still discrimination and privilege.
You need to check that privilege.
This answer is simply wrong.
There is a myth in our culture that a serious relationship is an exclusive one. This is so far from true that it is frankly laughable, if it didn’t lead to advice such as this.
Relationships are about developing closeness to people. If you are dating one person and sleeping with another, why is that a problem? Do you like both of those people? Do you enjoy time with them both? If yes, ten what’s wrong? Why would you need to choose one of them?
I am actively polyamorous. I live with both my wife and my girlfriend. Them, with the addition of my girlfriend’s husband and his girlfriend, make up a 5 person house of people who all get along well and who also date outside of this group. There is no exclusionary choosing going on, but adding more awesome people to our lives.
So, to answer this question, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Just make sure that you are open, honest, and respectful in doing so. Love everyone as you actually love them, not as the ideal of monogamy dictates that we love them.
I personally think you are on the offensive probably because you are living a lifestyle that sadly many people don’t accept. I believe everyone should live the life that makes them happy, so good for you. However, reading the responses from the Love Jays (and I went back and re-read them after reading this comment), I don’t see where their answers conflict with the advice you gave, its just coming from a different relationship view. In fact it seems in-line with your opinion. The question never stated that the person asking or the other people involved had a poly amorous lifestyle…. Mr. Jay expressed that sex should be shared only between people who share something special (a statement that you seem to agree with). Also Ms. Jay said that the arrangement is just fine if everyone is okay with not being exclusive. It just isn’t fair to be leading people on when there has been no discussion about whether or not they feel comfortable having multiple partners. You talk about love and closeness in the manner that you value (with the more love the merrier) and they are talking about love in the manner that they value (which is monogamous). Neither is wrong advice.
At the end of the day everyone should respect everyone’s choices in life and their opinions. No advice is “simply wrong”. I agree wholeheartedly with living an alternative lifestyle and hate people who judge other people, but you are sadly attacking another persons advice simply because you have an alternative opinion. I like your opinion very much, just as I like The Love Jays’ opinions, but it aggravates me that you would start your comment with “This answer is simply wrong”. It makes you seem judgmental and close minded to others opinions.
I am confused how you can try to argue that our answers are “in-line.” Mr. J’s views are in direct opposition to mine. For example, I think sex should be shared where sex is wanted and where it is consensual and not in violation of any relationship agreements. Mr. J is advocating for monogamy and against any sort of nonmonogamy as a general advice to a question about dating two people. That is opposed to my view.
The simple fact is that some views are more rational than others. I am judging his advice. Judgment is part of being rational; we judge things as good, bad, neutral, etc. I think his answer was awful. I’m not close-minded, I am simply criticizing a view I disagree with, for what I believe to be good rational reasons.
I should also clarify that I thought “Miss J’s” answer was good.