Q: Two year ago, my boyfriend of six years and I moved in together. Living together has been bliss- minus a few very minor points of contention. I am overly tidy (some might argue OCD) and I find myself infuriated by a wet towel on the door knob or water on the bathroom counter or a dish in the sink instead of in the dishwasher. I don’t want to be a nag since I know that I tend to overreact to these small things. What do I do?
A: Dear Ms. I May Have OCD:
Might have OCD? Just accept it – you probably have some OCD circulating through your blood.
The good news is that you and I suffer the same genetic imbalance that causes us to experience high levels of emotional irritation when it comes to rather simple behaviors. I completely understand. You mentioned the two of you have been dating for six years, so I will make the assumption you know each other very well. I could easily argue that your boyfriend should be more conscious of the little things that drive you crazy (because we all know in the end, it’s never the big stuff that drives us to drink), but in his defense, you have to consciously work on not letting these little actions make you infuriated.
One of my biggest pet peeves was when Miss J would step out of the shower and not dry her feet off before stepping on the rug. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was 1 of only 3 people in the world with such a dilemma, so because of that, I had to make the conscious decision to not let something this petty get me so worked up. In a perfect world, your boyfriend would adapt to all the little quirks, but reality is, we are all different. Next time it happens, take a deep breath, smile and think of all thing great things he does to keep you happy. You never know, he may just be waiting for you to no longer react and he actually might adapt to your ways. If not, oh well. You love him anyway!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Squeaky Clean,
In my opinion nagging is just the result of a man listening to what you say, applying it once, then abandoning the idea completely because they feel they have accomplished what you have asked for. When you bring it up again they say you are nagging, they heard you the first time blah blah blah.
My advice is this, make a list of the things that you ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I’m talking the major offenders, you see it, cringe, and then you are instantly in a bad mood. Compose a list of all the habits that you are on edge with and have him do the same. You may be surprised by the things he brings up. Sit down and talk it over. See where your boyfriend stands, chances are he is doing all these things subconsciously. Afterwards do not bring it up again, instead hang both of your lists up on the fridge (or any other place you see everyday in your home) and leave it there for one week (no more and no less). This way you will both be reminded of the habits your partner is not fond of without them having to either continuously “nag” you or without having them fester inside because you are doing something they can’t stand and they feel like they are bothering you if they bring it up. Communication is key, verbal communication is great and necessary but when reinforced in written form it is foolproof!
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2012
First of all, Justin…you and my boyfriend have this same pet-peeve about wet feet on the bathroom rug! Must be more common than you think!
I’ve been living with my boyfriend for just over a year now. I found that in the beginning A LOT of annoying habits were being brought up at on both of our parts (the stepping out of the shower wet was a big one). I’ve definitely noticed that we have both made a strong effort to acknowledge each other’s preferences and adapt to them. I began drying off in the shower, and he began working on my requests as well.
It helps a lot when we can stop and take notice of the efforts being made on our significant other’s part. It’s easy to notice the same annoying trait/habit being made yet another time and feel frustrated. However, maybe if you stopped and thought about it, maybe he or she has been making an effort recently to correct the behavior and we haven’t noticed! I find that it is far easier to notice when they are doing that annoying trait again than to notice the absence of the trait. That’s when the nagging comes in. Your boyfriend may feel he has been making an effort and you are still on his case; while you may feel he isn’t stopping the behavior. If you can look back and see that there has been a slight improvement or he is at least responding to your feelings, give it time and be patient.
Thank you for your input Carly, nice take on doing your part. 🙂
I would like to reply to this. The reality is that when two people move in together sometimes two things happen 1) Expectations and boundaries are discussed, 2) they are not discussed. When they are not discussed this can leave both people involved feeling frustrated, and when not dealt with can lead to resentment and bitterness. I am a firm believer in overcommunication, there can never be too much of it. Please note: communication differs from nagging. Ladies please please remember your mates/spouses already have a momma, you are their partners in life, their best friends, lovers. Stop being their Mommas!!
Also another valid point! There is a very fine line between communicating and ordering someone around. Thank you for your input. If you have a question you would like the male and female perspective on be sure to email [email protected]