Q: Dear Love Jays,
So my wife and I are both in military and she is currently deployed at this time. So with her being gone, I send her things that she needs or wants that she can’t get overseas. Well about two weeks ago, I sent my wife a hard drive that I used when I was deployed to watch movies to help pass the time. Well on this hard drive that I sent her, it had pictures of an ex-girlfriend on it that I didn’t know where on there still because I hadn’t used it in a really long time.
My wife was pretty upset that I still had the pictures after us being together over a year. I can understand why she is upset; I can’t say that I wouldn’t have had the same feelings she did. But now she says she doesn’t trust me and things have been rocky for the past week. How do I go about rebuilding this trust that we have lost? I no longer talk to the ex that was on the hard drive but my wife is still hurt and angry. I am just lost on what to do because I love my wife and I tried to tell her that I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t. It’s not like we can just sit and talk because of her being gone. She has all the power of when we talk so if she doesn’t want to I can’t just walk up to her and try because she is gone. What would you do?
A: Dear Military Melodrama,
Yeah…that sucks. Not going to lie, it’s just one of those unfortunate situations. I believe it was an honest mistake on your part, it means nothing and you were actually just being a thoughtful husband; however everyone knows where there is distance between a couple there are heightened emotions. I do not know your history, but I will give you advice based on the assumption you have had a healthy relationship.
Put yourself in her shoes. Here she is away from her husband on deployment and he was sweet enough to send her a package. Awww. She opens the hard drive ready to watch some flicks and *gasp* what’s this? His ex!!!
Rational reaction: First check and see if there are any indicators of where the pictures were taken and if there are clues as to when they were taken and then facebook stalk to see if there is any other info to make a solid case. Call and see what the man I married has to say.
Irrational reaction: That lying, cheating #$%#$@^*&(… I knew it was too good to be true. Call my husband and give him a piece of my mind!
*After hearing her husband’s explanation*
Rational reaction: Okay that makes sense, honest mistake. I trust the man I married. Moving on.
Irrational reaction: I caught you! I can no longer trust you.
Does that sound about right? You mentioned you cannot speak with her without her calling you. That’s ok, she needs to cool off. Whether she is acting rationally or irrationally you are her husband and your job is to respect how she feels and do what you can to make her feel better , all while maintaining your innocence. I am guessing you can still either write a letter or email, right? Email is the preferred method seeing as it will get to her way before a letter would. Tell her you are sorry she had to see pictures of your ex, but they are of no significance to you. Tell her you understand why she is upset and you are will to be patient enough to allow her to work through the emotions she is experiencing. Let her know you love her and you will be there whenever she is ready to talk. Under no circumstances should you get defensive nor should you admit to any wrong doing. You are not guilty, but the fact remains seeing those pictures hurt her. You don’t need to actively work to regain her trust in this situation, just be respectful and patient and she will come around in her own time.
Love,
Miss J
A: Dear Hard Drive Cleanup,
A small and harmless mistake has led to much bigger problem – Welcome to the world of women! It is extremely unfortunate that the hard drive you sent her happened to have pictures of your ex-girlfriend, but I don’t believe she is warranted to lose trust in you. No person in their right mind would consciously send something to their significant other knowing it had some information that would raise a few eyebrows. I honestly believe you had no idea the pictures were on there and that you were just trying to be a good man by helping your wife overseas – and she should too!
She is entitled to ask questions pertaining to the pictures, but to blow the situation up and exclaim she cannot trust you is a bit extreme. For crying out loud – they are pictures! Now, if the pictures are a little racy…you will probably have a lot more explaining to do. I still have pictures with my ex-girlfriends on my computer and I have zero intentions of deleting them because the pictures signify memories. Period.
I would encourage you to stand your ground and explain to your wife that the pictures truly have no significance in the functioning of your relationship. Emotions run high on women, especially when there is distance between them and the person they love, so I’m sure she is reacting on a string of emotions. If the two of you weren’t thousands of miles away from each other, I firmly believe this question wouldn’t have been submitted. At the end of the day, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not the biggest proponent for unwarranted apologies, but if it’s getting worse than it is better, bite the bullet and apologize.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
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