Dear Love Jays,
I’m having a similar problem to one that was recently submitted about a controlling boyfriend. The difference? I’m the controlling one. :-/
I recognize the fault in myself; I know I can be overly controlling with my boyfriend, and I can tell that it stems from a major insecurity in myself. But I love this man very much and I definitely don’t enjoy being that way with him. I’d like to do anything I can not to be that way with him because I love him. I’m having a hard time with the how….. Any suggestions?!
Dear Insecurities Getting In The Way,
Let’s start this on a positive note — kudos for identifying the source of your controlling behavior. Insecurities haunt us all. Rich or poor, oversized or fit, black or white — none of us have it all together. Some do a better job of hiding it than others, but we already know the deal. Okay, tangent over.
Conquering our insecurities is a daily process that requires constant attention and effort. We do not have the luxury of turning off our insecurities, therefore, we cannot afford to ignore them and hope they magically go away. It’s easy to sit idle with this mindset because facing our insecurities is uncomfortable. Can you think of anything more dreadful than looking in the mirror and identifying all the things wrong with us? I didn’t think so. It’s awful, yet unbelievably necessary.
When we open ourselves to vulnerability and expose these shortcomings to our significant other, a powerful shift ignites within your relationship. The facade is stripped away. The makeup is washed off. The relationship transforms from “you vs. me” to “we”. As long as you allow the “you vs. me” to dominate the conversation, your relationship will never fully bloom.
It’s time to put on your favorite shoes and start walking down uncomfortable lane. 🙂
Love,
Mr. J
P.S. If your boyfriend fuels these insecurities, we have a whooooole different set of issues to discuss!
Dear Not In Control,
When we have the desire to control the uncontrollable, it is often the result of being unable to control ourselves. You are not addressing something and it is manifesting in an unhealthy way. The good news is you are on the right track. You have acknowledged your problem. Now you just need help with execution.
First, stop with trying to control your boyfriend. I know it’s hard, but if you don’t, the likelihood of him leaving you is high and completely warranted. Second, you need to identify what you are insecure about. You can do this by asking yourself these questions:
1. Are you afraid he is going to leave you? If so, why?
2. Has anything happened in the past within your current relationship that has added to your insecurities? If so, is it salvageable?
3. Has anything happened in a past relationship that is affecting how you react to your current partner?
4. What do you deserve and why do you feel you deserve it? Is this healthy?
5. At the root of it all, in its simplest form, what is your fear?
These questions are important and they need to be addressed immediately. You need to be completely honest with yourself. Once you do that, you just start chomping away at each problem you identified. It is also important to communicate with your boyfriend and let him know what you are trying to do. You’ll need his support and input if you really want to grow.
Loving someone is a risk. You risk loss, failure, loneliness and heartbreak. It takes a strong and secure person to love someone correctly. His life is not yours to control, but if you play your cards right, it could be yours to share.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2013