Q: Dear Love Jays,
My mother and my boyfriend do not get along at all. I don’t want them to be best friends, but it would be nice to comfortably go to dinner or go over for holidays without any awkwardness! Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this monster-in-law situation??
A: Dear Water and Oil,
A key element in maintaining a successful and happy relationship is support from our friends and family. It’s human nature to seek support in most of our endeavors, so when we don’t get support (especially from those close to us), it typically makes matters a little more difficult.
It’s time to ask and analyze a very simple question, “Why don’t they get along?” I’m sure both parties have “valid” reasons for not getting along with each other, but it’s important that you sit down with each of them and get to the root of the issue. I’m unaware of how close you are with your mother, but if you consider her one of your closest friends and knowledgeable, I would pay close attention to what she is saying. People who reside in our inner circle typically have our best interest at heart 99.5% of the time and have the ability to often see with a little more clarity and unbiased(ness). I’m in no way downplaying your boyfriend’s opinion of the situation, so still take quality time in gathering his feelings.
Everyone involved in this dilemma is an adult and should act appropriately. Even if the two still can’t get along in the future and you decide to continue dating him, a level of respect needs to be established. Period. He shouldn’t disrespect your mother and vice versa. However, any man who will blatantly disrespect the mother of his girlfriend may have some issues of his own. I’m just saying…
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear It’s a Sticky Situation,
Sounds like you are in a pickle! Two of the people you love most in the world can’t get along, that’s never any fun. What you do have going for you is the fact that they both love you. How vocal have you been with the two of them in regards to how they interact makes you feel?
I have 2 suggestions; I do not know your mother and boyfriend so I feel the need to give you options.
My first suggestion would be to sit them down together and express how you feel and how you would like them to at least be cordial with one another. Tell them both how much you love them, and what you love about them while they are in the same room. Taking this approach can help in several ways.
1. They will both be able to see exactly how you feel about the other by experiencing the love you have for them first hand.
2. You will be saying exactly what you love about them, this may force them to look beyond how they feel and try to see the same good qualities you mentioned within each other.
3. It may give them a sense of camaraderie, they will have to work together to please you and as you know, they both love you. People tend they share a common goal, especially if they need the help of another to achieve it.
The second approach would be to talk to them individually. Don’t just bring it up casually, like you did not plan on talking. You need to let them each know just how important the subject is to you. Have a plan, have what you need to say laid out, and make sure you express exactly how you feel. Do not point the finger at one person or another and let each of them know it is going to have to be a collaborative effort. Tell both of them you will be/ have talked to the other person as well. Also, let them know that their disdain for each other has little effect on each of them, but has a huge effect on you. Neither of them will want to hurt you anymore. You just have to clearly express how you feel and put your foot down.
Side Note #1: Something for you to think about- why don’t they get along? In my experience when a parent and significant other can’t get along it’s due to a parent not being ready to let go, the significant other falling short of the parents expectations, or the parent not being a good parent in the past. It could be none of those things, and it could be some of them. Just some food for thought.
Side Note #2: I have always felt it is the responsibility of you/your significant other to develop a relationship/get along with your girlfriend/boyfriend’s parents. Parents need to be eased into meeting someone new who may be around forever. It is the job of your significant other to make that transition as painless as possible. Your boyfriend should never be anything less than respectful at all times no matter what is going on in his head. It is definitely ok for him to express how he feels to you and even to your mother, but it should always be in good taste.
Love,
Miss J
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