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Clutter Clutter Clutter

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend recently moved in, along with all of his sports memorabilia. Our place is small! I really don’t see where a lot of it could fit without everything looking cluttered. I really want him to feel at home. How do you guys suggest I make him feel like his stuff matters while not completely letting his stuff take over?

A: Dear Happy Medium,

“My boyfriend recently moved in…”Let’s stop there. He moved into YOUR place, brought his belongings and you don’t know what to do? Ha! Pick up the phone and dial 1-800-STORAGE!

It’s your home! You picked it out, you decorated it and you have lived there for X amount of time prior to your boyfriend moving in. If he has any sense, he should understand not every piece of his sports memorabilia can be hung throughout YOUR (now our) house. Make it easy – clear up some wall space in the house and allow him to pick his favorite pieces to hang up in the house. What doesn’t fit goes into storage!

Be sure to indicate that you have removed some of your pieces from the wall, so he is completely aware that both of you are making a sacrifice. If he gives you a hard time, pull the “this is my place” card and I’m sure that will shut him up. Happy home decorating!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Hot Mess,

Yes you need him to feel at home, but you need to feel at home too. You said your place is small, which means you could potentially end up with a man cave-esk functshway.

My question to you is how attached to all of the sports memorabilia is he? And how attached are you to what you have? Maybe you guys can both purge your individual items and have a garage sale. Afterwards go get some mutual decor that you both like with the money you make. When you move in together you begin a new chapter, why not start the new chapter with new things.

If you both are not willing to get rid of things my advice would be to pick a room or space designated for his sports memorabilia, have an area designated for your artwork or whatever you want to hang and then have a space where you pick things out together. You essentially need to have themed rooms. Box the things up that do not fit and save them for when you have a bigger space. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Long Distance Third Wheel

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, but recently I moved about a 6 hour drive / 1 hour flight away for school.  We try to see each other every 3 weeks. He recently got a new female friend. He says he is not interested in her, but she definitely seems like she is crossing over boundaries of appropriate behavior. She invited him over to bake a cake with her, and once when my boyfriend and I got in a fight she surprise stopped by to visit him at his house and brought him ice cream…. She is definitely encroaching, but I don’t know whether to believe him or not when he says not to worry. What should I do?

A: Dear His New Female Friend,

You need to have a conversation. And it should have happened yesterday. That’s my answer. I will use the remainder of this post to give some helpful advice for all the men.

Fellas – if maintaining your current relationship is of any importance to you, quit before you even start! 99.99999% of the time you meet a new “female friend” chances are very likely that your lady is going to have an issue – a major issue. Get used to it. The relationship you are developing or have developed with this new “friend” may ACTUALLY BE non-threatening and have all good intentions (in your eyes); however, the odds are stacked far against you in regards to if your woman ACTUALLY believes you or even more importantly – believes her. I am not discouraging men from developing friendships with women because I do think it gives you a nice balance. I am simply cautioning men to be careful in selecting the women who you choose to befriend.

Men, we aren’t stupid. We try our very hardest to act as stupid as possible, but at the end of the day, we can decide between right and wrong. If you meet a young lady who you actually believe could be a true friend, introduce her to your significant other IMMEDIATELY. See how both parties react. I’m sure your lady will still have something to say, but as time progresses, she may open up. If some weeks or months go by and the lady still has an issue, it may be time to re-examine that “friendship”. I have several female friends – one of which I lived with for 2 years in college! But trust and believe, Miss J knows ALL of them and has developed a relationship with most.

Want to save yourself from tireless arguments, headaches, fights, tears, temptations or breakups? Take my advice! Friends are good. True friends are even better. Develop relationships with the right people and I’m positive your troubles will be minimized.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Unwanted Female Pest Problem,

Oh yes the “Female Friend” issue, put on your termination hat because someone has to go and it’s either going to be her, him, or you walking away. Someone has to be eliminated. 1+1 does not equal 3.

Meeting new people, increasing your circle, forming casual relationships, and developing new friendships are completely normal and completely ok.  With that said anyone with half a brain knows when you are in a committed relationship you can only go so far with developing a friendship with the opposite sex. Anyone who came before you…fair game.  Anyone who comes after tread lightly.

In my opinion it is very rare for a woman to seek out a man in a relationship just because she wants to hang out and be friends but nothing more. Major red flag. Tell him to cut off that relationship or you will be cutting yours. There is no negotiating. She has already crossed the line, you know her intentions and you know they are ill. There is no need for them to even be a friend from a distance. CUT IT OFF! All or nothing. You deserve someone who respects not only you, but your relationship.

Disclaimer 1: Your man should not be spending quality time with any woman other than you. This does not include his mother; don’t ever try to get between a man and his mom. You will lose. We will save that convo for another time…

Disclaimer 2: If your significant other has a friend of the opposite sex that they meet at work or in class and they see them in that setting or occasionally outside of that setting with other friends from that environment that is ok! I definitely recommend meeting them, not necessarily to see if they are a threat, but because it is always good to meet the people your partner deems as worthy of their time.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Trust in your Present

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I was in a long term relationship that ended bad. I got really hurt and since then have struggled with trust, and other such issues that clouded our relationship. I am with an amazing man now, who I have had no issues with thus far; EXCEPT the fact that I am so guarded and often times fear that I will face the same problems. How do I not let my last relationship affect the one I am currently in?

A: Dear Let the Past be the Past:

“The past will shape your future, but the past should never control your future.” – Anonymous

Letting the your past relationship have such a stronghold on your current relationship is unfair for your current boyfriend – and most importantly, you. When was the last time you truly sat down with yourself and analyzed all negatives that are still controlling you today? The best way to overcome the effects of your previous relationship is to personally acknowledge these issues (write them down if needed) and then share them with your current partner. Let him in on the struggles you are facing. Give him the opportunity to help you overcome. Relationships are beautiful for that very reason – you have support every step of the way.

The process will be difficult. It will be challenging. It will be uncomfortable. It will be hard work. But just know this – it will all be worth it in the end. You can’t move forward if you are always looking back! I believe in you!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Unwanted Blast From the Past,

In the wise words of my mother “Everyone deserves your trust until they give you a reason not to trust them anymore.” It is difficult to trust men in general just because of all the horror stories that are out there, and the degree of difficulty increases when you have a bad experience of your own.

You need to let the past be the past. Learn from that experience and move on. Maybe now you know what characteristics equal bad news, how to recognize cheating, or even how to know what comments will eventually lead to verbal abuse and then even physical abuse’ or maybe you just learned you ex is a jerk that doesn’t deserve you. Do not let his influence from the past hinder your present. You will be the only one who suffers.

Either way I refuse to believe the experience has left you dumber and weaker, it has left you stronger and wiser. Forget trusting your new man for a second, trust yourself! Trust in the fact that you know better now, and if anything were ever to go down with this new guy you would move to greener pastures. Also trust in the fact that you now know how to pick ‘em and you may just HAVE A GOOD MAN, they do exist.

Be in control of your happiness.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Real Life Twilight Love Triangle

Disclaimer: This is not all about Twilight, pinky promise!

This one is for the women….

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! News broke this morning that Miss Kristen Stewart (Bella) has cheated on Mr. Robert Pattinson (Edward) with Mr. Rupert Sanders (Director of Snow White and the Huntsman). Sorry Twi-hards, I guess the honeymoon is over. But wait, there’s more! Not only did Kristen cheat on Rob, she cheated on him with a married man.  Rupert, 41 and married with 2 young children met  22 year old Kristen Stewart while on set of Snow White and the Huntsman. Recently the two were caught cupcaking on camera. *cue incriminated pictures* Oops.

Though Rob and Kristen have always played coy to the public eye it is no secret that Rob is/was completely and totally in love with her. This made me wonder, why would a 22 year old successful woman in a (from what we can see) healthy relationship feel the need to fool around with a married man? What am I missing…

Judge as we may, Kristen is not the only one to fall into the arms of an already claimed man. It doesn’t make you an evil person (just an evil doer for a period of time ). I have heard various reasons as to why men step out of their marriage, each excuse more pathetic than the last; but I am curious as to why a woman with all the options in the world would opt for the man that is already spoken for.

What purpose does it really serve? I don’t want the answer that women say just because they don’t want to be judged, I want the REAL reason. Is it the thrill, is it the fact he is capable of commitment (only if and when he leaves his wife for you of course), is it the fact that there are no real strings attached, is it boredom, is it the possibility of winning a man from another woman? What is it?!? Don’t be shy, Chime in!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am currently in a relationship and we are very comfortable with one another. We stopped going out and “dating” as much as we used to. I am less motivated because I have my prize, don’t get me wrong I love her, but we are both bored. What can we do to spice things up?

A: Dear Missing Spice, 

Complacency is one of the biggest factors in the demise of a relationship. On second thought…besides cheating, complacency may be the reason why relationships fail. Complacency leads to boredom. Boredom leads to irritation. Irritation will ultimately lead to the “I’m over this” mentality. Once you have reached this way of thinking – the relationship is over.

In the three and half years Joy and I dated before our 2 month split (Lord knows I was miserable during those months despite all efforts I made to enjoy the single life), I put forth very little effort to try and “spice things” up. Like you, I had what I wanted. I didn’t feel the need to go the extra mile – this selfish behavior ultimately led to our split. Luckily, I got on the good foot quick and the two of us are committed more than ever to constantly redefine our relationship and find new ways to fall in love all over again. Key emphasis on “two of us” – it takes both parties to keep the relationship thriving.

As for ways to spice things up: focus on the little things. When was the last time you bought her a “just because” gift? How about the movie she has been begging you to watch with her, yet you have refused? Gone on a weekend getaway? Actually had a romantic date? Told her you she was beautiful even though her physical appearance may be saying the exact opposite? It’s the little things that have the biggest impact.

Spend the next couple days listening (not hearing) to what she says. Find clues. Engage in conversation. Execute! You will be surprised how easy it truly can be! I’ll leave you with a line from one of my favorite Usher songs (I’m talking old Usher – not this techno/pop/confused Usher), “It’s the simple things in life we forget. You hear her talkin’, but don’t hear what she said. Why do you make something so easy so complicated. Searching for what’s right in front of your face, but you can’t see it!” Good luck. friend!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Spiceless, 

Lil Wayne said it best “Don’t you. Ever. Get too. Comfortableeee.” (ok, maybe that isn’t the best line ever, but it applies) We have all experienced a relationship rut or two. They typically come right after the climax of a relationship high because both parties involved are under the impression that the relationship bliss will maintain itself. Laziness…It happens and it is normal, but nonetheless it is a pain in the butt. The good news is that there is an easy fix, all you need is a little E-F-F-O-R-T! I understand it is hard to muster up the motivation, but once you do it will be worth it. Pay close attention to the things your partner says. For example if she says “ I really need my bathroom painted” suggest going to the store to pick out paint and to top it off the next morning by having her wake up to you painting her bathroom. She will then be more inclined to do something special for you. Before you know it voilà! Your spark will be back.   The magic of relationships lies within appreciation, the spark lies within what you can both do to contribute in a positive way to the relationship. Relationships are are a full time job in which the payment is love. Get to work!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Doing your Part

Q: Two year ago, my boyfriend of six years and I moved in together. Living together has been bliss- minus a few very minor points of contention. I am overly tidy (some might argue OCD) and I find myself infuriated by a wet towel on the door knob or water on the bathroom counter or a dish in the sink instead of in the dishwasher. I don’t want to be a nag since I know that I tend to overreact to these small things. What do I do?

A: Dear Ms. I May Have OCD:

 Might have OCD? Just accept it – you probably have some OCD circulating through your blood.

The good news is that you and I suffer the same genetic imbalance that causes us to experience high levels of emotional irritation when it comes to rather simple behaviors. I completely understand. You mentioned the two of you have been dating for six years, so I will make the assumption you know each other very well. I could easily argue that your boyfriend should be more conscious of the little things that drive you crazy (because we all know in the end, it’s never the big stuff that drives us to drink), but in his defense, you have to consciously work on not letting these little actions make you infuriated.

One of my biggest pet peeves was when Miss J would step out of the shower and not dry her feet off before stepping on the rug. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was 1 of only 3 people in the world with such a dilemma, so because of that, I had to make the conscious decision to not let something this petty get me so worked up. In a perfect world, your boyfriend would adapt to all the little quirks, but reality is, we are all different. Next time it happens, take a deep breath, smile and think of all thing great things he does to keep you happy. You never know, he may just be waiting for you to no longer react and he actually might adapt to your ways. If not, oh well. You love him anyway!

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

A: Dear Squeaky Clean, 

In my opinion nagging is just the result of a man listening to what you say, applying it once, then abandoning the idea completely because they feel they have accomplished what you have asked for. When you bring it up again they say you are nagging, they heard you the first time blah blah blah. 

My advice is this, make a list of the things that you ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I’m talking the major offenders, you see it, cringe, and then you are instantly in a bad mood. Compose a list of all the habits that you are on edge with and have him do the same. You may be surprised by the things he brings up. Sit down and talk it over. See where your boyfriend stands, chances are he is doing all these things subconsciously. Afterwards do not bring it up again, instead hang both of your lists up on the fridge (or any other place you see everyday in your home)  and leave it there for one week (no more and no less). This way you will both be reminded of the habits your partner is not fond of without them having to either continuously “nag” you or without having them fester inside because you are doing something they can’t stand and they feel like they are bothering you if they bring it up. Communication is key, verbal communication is great and necessary but when reinforced in written form it is foolproof! 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012