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Phone Sex and Girl Friends

For the Ladies…

Last night I attended a screening for the movie “For a Good Time,Call…”. I went with a girlfriend of mine, it was a total chick flick and good for at least 100 laughs; although I am pretty sure I have heard enough moans and “squishy” noises to last a lifetime! On the surface the story is about two girls who (due to a mishap in college) do not get along, become roommates because of financial hardship and a breakup, start a phone sex hotline for money and eventually make bank.

*Spoiler Alert*

Underneath the surface the movie is really about the development of a female friendship. Starting and maintaining a friendship with another female is always such a process, and it made me wonder why? It then dawned on me (and the movie came to the same conclusion) that a friendship is very similar to a romantic relationship….minus the romance. These are what I feel the stages in most (not all) female friendships are.

In the movie, the friendship was initiated by one of the characters helping the other character start her own phone sex hotline.I like to call this the “I really don’t hate you” moment. We have all been there, you meet a girl and you are not sure whether or not she is going to be a friend or foe. Sadly, we are trained from a young age to view all girls as competition. Although you may not want to compete, you will always automatically size them up. Once you determine whether or not their intentions are good or bad, you act accordingly. If you decide the woman is good in your book, you then make sure they know you like them. It is very important to do this as early on as possible, a potential friend can quickly turn into an unintentional foe. Whether it is a small gesture or verbally communicating, it has to be done.

After the characters start bonding and making money through their business together, one of the girls goes out and buys them both matching bags. I call this the “I like you enough to be associated with you in public, and maybe even be called besties” phase. You have heard the saying ‘imitation is the greatest form of flattery’, well in turn wanting/letting/enabling someone imitate you is also a form of flattery to the other party involved. This is really just level two of the “I really don’t hate you” moment, maybe it should then be called the “I really really don’t hate you” moment. You decide.

As business is booming, the characters decide they need to hire a third woman to operate the phone sex hotline. In real life, I would call this the “ Let’s make a decision together because we are just that tight” phase. Whether it be deciding on where to go on vacation or what event the two of you will attend next, it is always a great sign when you can make a mutual decision with a friend. You are both in it to win it and really enjoying each other so much so, you even value and honor the input of the other.

Side note: In the movie, the third woman they hire turns out to be a Christian radical who sabotages their business by making all the phone sex hotline callers repent for their sins. Needless to say, the two main characters are not happy about this when they discover the truth and the woman immediately becomes an enemy. Do not even get me started on when women unite over a common enemy. Very dangerous territory.

One more side note: In another scene in the movie, one of the characters reveals she is still a virgin (save this nugget of knowledge for later).

Moving on…

Next, one of the girls is compelled to say ‘I love you’ to her new best friend; the other girl in a moment of utter awkwardness gives her a hug, but does not say it back. I call this the “I love you’s are for boyfriends” moment. The good news? No they are not! You are welcome to love as many people of whatever sex as you would like. There are so many different types of love and so many levels of love. Of course you can love your friend! Go ahead, say it back!

Fast forward to the climax of the movie and both girls are at each other’s throats (if you want to know why, watch the movie). One of the characters finds the need to tell the other character’s parents about the phone sex business. The parents are obviously disappointed and the girl is absolutely mortified. The two characters exchange heated words, one of the lines was something along the lines of “I did not say ‘I love you‘ because I do not love you” and the other girl shot back with “you are just an insecure virgin”. This is what I like to call the “You will always be my best friend because you know too much…never mind, I have changed my mind so all of our secrets and vulnerabilities will be used as bullets” moment. In the case of friendship you should never use what someone shared with you in a moment of trust as ammunition to hurt them. Period. Woman typically do this as a form of protection, you have trusted a female enough to let them know the real you and now you are in battle mode and your sole thought is to destroy and conquer.

For the sake of a happy ending and comic relief  the two eventually make up, I love you’s are exchanged and they live happily ever after. This is not always the case in real life.

So I wrote this whole article to say…Women, we need to get it together!

We should love and support each other. It is okay to determine whether or not someone is ill willed in the beginning, but beyond that can’t we all just get along? Let’s leave the emotional roller coaster for Vivian Green.

Love,

Miss J

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Why and How?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Why do people cheat in a long term relationship and how do you keep the love life exciting after 5+ years?

A: Dear Loaded Question,

When we started our blog a little over two months ago, one of our first questions was in regards to cheating. The psychology behind why people cheat can be analyzed from various different angles, but it ultimately comes down to lack of respect for your significant other, lack of self-confidence and self-control, immaturity and a few other emotional charges sprinkled on top. Regardless how long two people have been dating, cheating truly comes down to the emotional maturity of the one committing the act. Just because you may be doing everything right on your end, doesn’t mean that your partner is acting in accordance. It’s not right nor is it fair, but it’s a reality that should be recognized. I am unable to fully answer “why people cheat”, but I’m fairly confident those who do cheat, do it out of personal struggles.

Switching gears – how to keep love life exciting after 5+ years? Miss J and I have only been dating 4.5 years and for the last several months, we have practiced celibacy. Do you really want my advice? I would suggest continually finding new ways to fall in love with your significant other. It is very easy to get caught up in the “everyday” life, and sometimes we often neglect one another. Focusing time, energy and commitment to your significant other will only improve the quality of your entire relationship. We spoke about this same subject in the past and I still agree with everything I wrote!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Long Term, 

I am not sure cheating is a question of time as much as it is a question of character. Everyone I have spoken to about cheating says it was something they were going through on a personal level, and while maybe at the time they may have thought it had something to do with their significant other, it ultimately did not.

There is nothing you can do to ensure someone will not cheat on you, simply because it has nothing to do with you. They are a separate person with their own thoughts and own personality traits. Some people cheat once, learn their lesson and do not do it again. Others cheat once, get away with it and cheat again. Unfortunately, the best way for someone to learn their lesson (beyond a guilty conscience) is for the person they cheated on to leave them. Even still, it is not guaranteed they will not cheat again…this is where character comes in. What is it inside of them that will not allow them to be faithful? Are they taking steps to identify and work on the problem?

The good news is you have control over how to react to cheating, you can stay or you can go. Neither will be easy, but it is the one decision in your control.

Moving on… In the beginning of my relationship with Mr. J, I was adamant about never getting bored. Boredom leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to demise. Beyond what I shared in Secret to Success, I think a great addition (given the time you have invested) would be to use time to your advantage. You should be chalk full of memories and information regarding your partner. Recreate your first date, cook their favorite meal, or go do that thing you guys have always talked about doing but have yet to do it! The possibilities are endless!

Love,

Miss J

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Budding Office Romance

Q: Dear Love Jays,

A few months ago I started working in a new office on the 7th floor of a 10 story office building (point being, it’s not a huge building).  My first day I took the walkway on the south side of the building; I looked up and saw two men in an office on the second floor – one guy must have been telling a hilarious story because he was in the doorway making extremely grand running motions with an awful face while the guy at the desk was laughing hysterically.  I couldn’t help myself so I pointed and laughed.  The ‘running-man’ (if you will) was mortified and the guy at the desk turned and gave me a huge thumbs up, and I also happened to find extremely attractive.  That was three months ago.  Two months ago I received my assigned parking spot on the north side of the building… I go way out of my way to walk by this cute guy’s office and every morning we exchange an enthusiastic wave and smile (almost always initiated by him).  I have an extremely outgoing personality and a healthy dose of confidence so I have no problem approaching guys… I have no idea what to do in this situation though!  Go full on Love Actually and write ‘Lunch?’ on a poster board?  Stop by the second floor on my way up to my office?  Or just let it be… I mean he could come out there too ya know???  I feel like I’m already going out of my way just to smile and wave at him… anything beyond that just feels wicked desperate.

Sincerely,
Not Desperate, Just Curious

A: Dear Full of Waves and Smiles,

The enthusiasm exuding from your fingers as you typed this question makes it very apparent on what you really want to do! I’m not the most visually creative person in this world, but I’m pretty sure you painted a perfect picture of what your morning, office routine consists of. Kudos!

You are a self-proclaimed big personality with a healthy dose of confidence, so why haven’t you made a funny, reckless attempt at casually inviting the guy to lunch? The two of you clearly met during a goofy moment and most likely have similar personalities, so in my eyes, the two of you have been waiting for the other to make the first move! I’m always in full support of just calling a man’s bluff. Walk into his office and say, “It’s been three months and we still haven’t had coffee? Help me understand.” Okay, that might be a little too aggressive, but you get the gist. Use your personality and confidence to your advantage!

If coffee turns into lunch, then lunch into dinner – you can thank me. If it goes wrong…at least you won’t have to walk out of your way any longer!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear the Man in the Window,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story/question. Sounds like you have some eye candy to look forward to every morning. If that is not motivation to get out bed to go to work, I do not know what is!

You sound like a rational, outgoing and go getter type of girl. So I say go get it! This does not mean you have to go up there and full on ask him on a date, but you can definitely go up and introduce yourself. Find a way to bring up exchanging phone numbers or maybe even exchange your work email. You are both clearly mutually interested in greeting each other every morning, put the hook out there and see if he takes the bait! Good luck 🙂

Love,

Miss J

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Is it Too Late?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What do you do when you start falling for the guy you turned down a couple years ago? Is it too late?

A: Dear On Second Thought…,

 Just for fun, I can only imagine the conversation in your head went a little something like this…

“Wait, am I starting to like this guy?”

“A few years ago, I had no interest in him!”

“This can’t be happening.”

“I wonder if he even remembers me turning him down?”

“Should I say something?”

“I can’t believe it…I think I really do like this guy. This will be interesting.”

Even if I’m completely off-base, let’s be honest – you enjoyed reading it just as much I as enjoyed playing it out in my own head. Wait, maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that…don’t judge me!

It’s almost never too late for a woman to seek after a man, even if she turned him down a few years ago. Grant it, if he is engaged to be married or already married, chances are cloud-level high it’s a little too late. But, I’m going to assume that is not the case since you submitted this question.

As years pass, we are constantly changing for the better and in some cases, for the worst. A few years ago, you were not interested in this young man for some reason(s), but he has obviously matured (personally, physically, mentally and emotionally) in a way that has made you attracted to him. There is no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed of your change of heart because a solid amount of time has passed. The good news for you – he was attracted to you at some point, so I’m sure there is still some reserved feelings left in him somewhere. The biggest step in progressing forward was acknowledging your feelings for this man, so all this is left is to swallow your pride and progress forward in those feelings.

Understand, the shoe is now on the other foot and he is in the driver’s seat! As the say, “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.” Make it happen!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear From Rejection to Affection, 

It is never too late for love. Period. I know that is an extremely dramatic statement, but it is true! Plus, it does not hurt he is a man and this is the moment he has been waiting for. I would say most men, not all, secretly wait for the day when the woman they were once rejected by realizes how great of a guy he really is. Congratulations, you have now become his dream come true!

All that aside, make sure you are really into the guy. Nothing hurts worse than being rejected not once, but twice. Double check to see if the reasons you rejected him the first time are not still prevalent today.  You want to KNOW what you are feeling is real and not a result of time passed and dwindling attention. Sometimes when someone who admires us pulls away we mistake missing the attention for missing the actual person who was giving it to us.

If that is not the case, then more power to you! Be willing to be vulnerable, and prepare to be patient. He may go into it with caution because he has been rejected by you before or he may jump right in because he has been waiting for you for so long. In any case best of luck!

Love,

Miss J

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Getting to Know You

Q: Dear Love Jays,

There’s a guy I met at a party a couple of weeks and ended up talking to for a lot of the time. I don’t see him much, even though we’re in the same program (at a university) but we really hit it off and I’m now debating whether it’s something I should pursue. I really enjoyed being with him and we run into each other every now and then, but it’s only for a short while. I feel almost like I’d have to work really hard to see him and I just don’t know which route to take. I want to get to know him better but how? I feel like it may be too soon to ask him out just a simple coffee date or something since we don’t know each other that well.

A: Dear Miss Timid,

What is there to debate?

You met a young man who obviously caught your eye, the two of you really hit it off, both of you are in the same program at the same university and you really enjoy being with him?? Sounds like four really strong reasons to invite him on a little coffee date!

A simple coffee date is relatively harmless and coffee shops create a great environment for casual conversation. I understand it has only been a few weeks, but sitting around waiting for “the right time” to ask him to join you for coffee seems like a complete waste. I’m pretty confident most men are not concerned about any type of date being “too soon”, especially if it is the woman who is asking.

Next time you see him on campus engage him in small talk then extend the invite. As for getting to know him better, start with your similarities. What made you decide to study at this university? Why did you choose this program? Are you involved in any extracurricular activities on campus? What are some of your hobbies? These four questions alone should jump start the conversation and lead you down a pretty informal, informational conversation about each other.

Put your cute clothes on and do what women do best – attract men!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear A Simple Coffee Date, 

I think a simple coffee/yogurt/smoothie date is an excellent idea! It’s not often we find people we genuinely click with. When you find someone you want to get to know better there is no such thing as “too soon” , but there is a such thing as wasting time. Don’t waste yours.

I don’t think it needs to be a “date” per-say, just try to keep it as simple as possible. Maybe one day after class mention you are going for coffee and ask if he wants to join, if he has somewhere to go say something to let him know the offer stands and you would like to go soon. Just give him enough to let him know your interested, but hold back enough to leave him wanting to get to know you more.

Leave the asking of the “big date” up to him. Best of Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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Relationship Friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

All of my friends are in a relationship and they are constantly trying to set me up. I love my friends, but I am getting tired of always having to find a date when we all hang out. Should I get new friends or is this something that will eventually subside?

A: Dear My Friends Need to Relax,

Whoa! Let’s just take a moment and take a few deep breaths…Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Feel better?

It’s difficult being the lone ranger when all of your friends are in a relationship. Each of you are experiencing two completely different realities and that’s perfectly okay! The single life gives you the freedom to grow and mature as an individual, go on adventures and try new things, date different people, make bad decisions and not really worry about the consequences and most importantly – being single gives you the freedom to have fun!

Have you sat down with your friends and really expressed how you feel when it comes to their actions? I’m confident that your friends aren’t coming from a bad place, but sometimes, friends need to be reminded when to lay-off a bit. Communication is key! Be open and honest. If they are your real friends, each of them will completely respect how you feel and cease trying to “hook you up” every other second.

If all of your friends are in a relationship, I would encourage you to seek out some additional friends (notice I didn’t say “new”). Let’s be honest, you just can’t do everything you may want with friends who are in committed relationships!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Overbearing Friends, 

Ouch, that is a pickle.

First let me attempt to explain what the situation may be on behalf of your friends.

When you are in a relationship and loving it, you feel as if you have seen the light of day. All you want to do is spread the good news, of course the first people you want to experience what you are experiencing are your friends and loved ones. Being single and happy becomes a myth in the minds of those who are in a good relationship as memories of being single fade. They think “I thought I was happy before this, but I had NO IDEA what I was really missing”. Your friends have good intentions, but unfortunately it does not change the fact they are becoming a pain in your butt.

You are single and for the purpose of this post you are loving it and they do not understand. Your job is to make them understand. Talk to them, either one by one or in a group and let them know how you feel. Tell them they will be the first people you come to when you are looking to be set up, but until then they need to chill out.

I do think it would benefit you to start hanging out with other people who are also enjoying the single market just to take the pressure off; however I do not think it is necessary to completely drop your current group of “in a relationship”  friends. It is healthy to have different friends for different occasions. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

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