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Playing the Field

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Is it okay I’m dating one guy (we aren’t exclusive) and sleeping with another?

A: Dear Double Dippin’,

Non-exclusive dating gives you the freedom to date, sleep, or hang out with anyone your little heart desires. Dating is a time when you get to explore several options and decide which person (if any) has the potential of becoming more serious.

So, is it okay that you’re dating one and sleeping with another? Technically, yes. Would I recommend continuing this behavior? No. Sex embodies much more emotions than just the physical exchanges of pleasure between our “money spots”. Sex was designed to be shared between two people who are committed to each other and share something special. Casually having sex with people will eventually take its toll on the mental psyche of woman or man. I’m sure there are several of you who want to rebuttal my last statement, but rest assured – you will have your “aha” moment one day. Long story short, sex simply makes things complicated – physically and emotionally.

Easy advice – pick one and stick to ‘em! It’s much much easier to focus your attention on one person and will save you from emotional damage, even if you are unaware of it at this moment.. If you get bored of him, on to the next one. That’s the beauty of dating!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Boyfriend #2, 

You are in the clear if you and both (or how ever many) men have agreed to the “non-exclusive clause”; however if anyone is under the impression you are just dating and/or sleeping with them you need to either have a conversation or drop whoever is just there for your disposal.

I want to get to the reason WHY you are asking.If you felt it was ok ,chances are you would not have to ask. The real question is, are YOU ok with sleeping with one guy and dating another? Women are emotional creatures, though things may be fun now maybe you are starting to subconsciously notice the balancing act is taking a toll on you.

If you are starting to question yourself maybe take a step back and determine which of the men, if any, you want to be with. If you are not questioning yourself at all and you truly just want the answer to this question I would say it’s ok if you are ok.

Best of luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Miss J’s Special Day

I’m sure some of you are wondering, “Where are the questions? It’s Thursday!” You’re right – it is Thursday (September 6th), but today, I’m going to do something a little different. At this very moment, in some place around the world, it is September 7th…what’s the significance? Glad you asked. September 7th is Miss J’s 23rd birthday!!

In celebration of her birthday, I’m going to share 23 facts, feelings and whatever else comes to mind about this beautiful woman who has been my support system for the last 4.5 years!

1. Miss J is single-handedly the most selfless and loving person I know. She is willing to do 1,000,000 things for other people before she even considers herself. If any of you are fortunate to call Miss J “friend”, you know you will always have someone in your corner through the highs and the lows.

2. Miss J has more energy than most 5-year-olds. Seriously. Dull moments rarely exist in her presence.

3. Miss J laughs at the MOST inappropriate times. If you suffer a tragic loss, don’t come to her because she may laugh in your face. She means no harm, I promise. She just has horrible reactions!

4. Miss J sleeps with an eye-mask.

5. Miss J is in love with love. Love is her passion (hence the blog).

6. Miss J is deathly afraid of snails. Yes, snails. Her reason is valid, so don’t judge too much.

7. Miss J’s newest hobby is painting.

8. Miss J can stick her stomach out to make it look like she is pregnant. Makes me uncomfortable and nervous every time.

9. Miss J is obsessed with spinach. She eats a bowl of it for lunch or dinner at least 3 times a week.

10. Miss J looooooves monkeys. It’s beyond an obsession.

11. Miss J is an amazing woman of God. Her faith and love for the Lord is undeniable and genuine.

12. Miss J is a BEAUTIFUL dancer who was trained by Miss Debbie Allen.

13. Miss J wishes she lived in a nudest society.

14. Miss J’s favorite channel is Disney.

15. Miss J is a hoarder. Her hoarding mixed with my OCD often leads to anxiety filled conversations weekly!

16. Miss J is a Harry Potter nerd!

17. Miss J will cut you off mid-sentence without thinking twice. Just ask my best friend.

18. Miss J always announces when she is about to cry, but then she puts all her focus in preventing herself from crying. Still don’t get it.

19. Miss J loves showering. Minimum of 2 per day.

20. Miss J is a nature junkie. Sunsets and sunrises are her favorite.

21. Miss J is the one passenger in the airplane who actually turns their phone off prior to take-off. I’ve been yelled at twice for refusing to turn mine off. She was legit upset. Now, I turn mine off. Smh.

22. Miss J carries floss everywhere. Don’t be surprised if you see her flossing at dinner, mid-meal. No shame at all.

23. Lastly, Miss J is everything a man could ever ask for in woman. She embodies everything that is respectable and admirable about a woman. I love her more each day and am unbelievably grateful for being blessed with such an amazing women.

Miss J – Happy 23rd Birthday!

Love,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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A Little Appreciation Goes a Long Way

When I am driving alone it is not uncommon for me to turn off my music and just let my thoughts flow. I was on my way to meet my family at a theme park this Sunday after church and on the drive over, I could not stop thinking about how much I truly appreciated Mr. J.

He is kind, thoughtful, encouraging, supportive, loving, my best friend and just all around awesome. The whole ride I was counting my blessings and thinking about how thankful I am for him.

As fate would have it, while in the theme park, my dad, two of my twenty-something female cousins and I were talking about relationships. My father expressed how important it is to sit a man down and tell him how much you appreciate everything he does to contribute to your relationship. My first thought was “Well that’s not a problem, I always let my man know he is appreciated.” My second thought was, “Wait, when was the last time I actually said it to him instead of thinking it to myself?” I literally could not remember. I say I love you all of the time; I also let him know how I feel about him individually and about us as a couple, but I do not tell him how grateful I am for all his contributions enough.

As women we often feel we need to be on the receiving end of praise, after all men are the unappreciative half of our species…right? Wrong. A vital part of love is showing and stating your appreciation for one another. It is not enough to just think it and be happy on the inside knowing you have a keeper. It is information worth sharing! Shout it from the rooftops, tell all your friends, jump on Oprah’s couch; but most importantly look your significant other in the eye and let them know how much you notice and appreciate all they do.

My father’s quote of the day was this, “It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it.”

Now I know the phrase “don’t put a woman on a pedestal” comes to mind right away; I had to really think about what he was trying to say too. What it means to me is that women deserve to be held at the highest regard and every need should be met to the best of that man’s ability. In turn, the effort of the man should never go unnoticed by the woman if he is trying his best. Being from the new school, I would like to change it to this: “ It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it AND vice-versa.” 😉

When I saw Mr. J Sunday night I told him exactly what I appreciated about him, and guess what? He was happy! I noticed and cared enough to say something about it! So there you have it, SAY SOMETHING, you won’t be sorry you did.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Long Distance Lover?

Q: Dear Love Jays,
I am thinking about starting a long distance relationship with a guy and we are both mutually interested in each other. Advice?

A: Dear Long Distancing,

I do not have any experience in long distance relationships; however, I have a few close friends who have tried it and all agreed that the distance put a significant strain on their relationship and was very difficult to manage. Relationships thrive when both parties are mutually dedicated to each other and connect emotionally and spiritually. A long distance relationship lacks one key nutritional ingredient required for a relationship to continue growing – physical emotion.

As humans, we enjoy expressing our emotions with one another. We communicate these emotions through an array of channels, but nothing compares to interacting face-to-face. The physical connection that occurs between people communicating directly without any medium interfering is difficult to articulate, but we all understand that feeling. No matter how hard we try, communicating emotions through a phone call, text messages or any video conferencing software just doesn’t feel the same.

Unfortunately, long distance relationships rely heavily on different communication technologies as the primary means of communicating which commonly results in miscommunication, frustration and anger. Speak to anyone who has been in a long distance relationship and I’m sure they will agree. We can use every word in the dictionary to describe how we feel for someone, but it’s the actions behind those words that make all the difference. Lengthy phone conversations may sustain the relationship, but does it compare to an innocent kiss, a genuine handhold, or a romantic evening spent cuddling?

I’m not writing to discourage you from pursuing this relationship, I just want you to be aware of the difficulties and challenges you will face. Write down all the things you are looking for in a relationship and see if the distance will hinder any of those from happening. Happiness is the ultimate goal, so whatever decision you make, don’t sacrifice it!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 

A: Dear A Long Way,

Almost anyone you talk to will say long distance relationships do not work. I do not believe that is true; however I do believe, like in all relationships, you will both have to compromise.  I think it is more appropriate to say long distance relationships do not work for long before some changes have to be made.

There are a few things you should determine before jumping into a long distance relationship. The first is what is expected from you and what do you expect from him? Dating from a distance requires coordination. Skype dates, phone calls, plane tickets…you get the picture. Becoming “official” comes with expectations; make sure you are both willing to fulfill them.

Next, ask yourself are you a physical person? Do you NEED hugs and kisses daily? You will be going weeks, maybe even months, without seeing each other. If you are not sure, you may want determine which of the 5 love languages you communicate with. If physical touch and quality time are at the top of your list you may want to reconsider a long distance relationship.

The third and most obvious thing to think about would be if things were to progress who is moving and when? I mentioned compromise in the beginning and moving closer to a person is a huge sacrifice. This is the step that is normally the deal breaker.

In an ideal world you guys would court each other and when the time is right you would both choose a place/city/state/ country of your liking, move to a new town and start of fresh at the same time. Unfortunately, this is  typically not what happens. One person will have to uproot their life. Be wary, If the sole reason a person moves closer to their long distance lover is just to be closer to them (i.e. they didn’t get a job opportunity or they do not have friends/family in the area as well) a lot of blame gets placed on the person who did not move when little things go wrong because they feel their significant other has not compromised enough; sadly, this can ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship.

If you have both seriously considered all those things and you both still want to jump in, I say go for it and best of luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Approach or be Approachable?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Do men get turned-on or turned-off to have a woman approach them?

A: Dear Go Getta’

Women approaching men…I am all over the place when it comes to this practice. If you are a woman and there is a man you have had your sights on throughout the day or night, I completely understand your desire and urge to introduce yourself. What I don’t understand is why you feel the need to approach the man? There could be many answers to this question, but I believe this is the most important question to ask. I will admit that men are progressively becoming worse at approaching women and a surprising amount of men are nervous to approach women, so they sit back with their fingers crossed hoping a woman, such as yourself, will approach them and kick start the conversation.

If a man has been making eye contact with you since you walked in the door, yet didn’t get up to approach you, what does that say about him? It’s one of two options: He is not interested or he is scared. Both seem like good enough reasons to refrain from introducing yourself!

On the flip side, if you have been trying to get the attention of a man who obviously has not seen or acknowledged your presence, I kind-of sort-of, maybe understand why you would approach him. If you decide to introduce yourself, more power to you!

As for men being turned-on/off when a woman approaches them, it’s a crap shoot. I truly believe every man will react differently in each situation. Personally speaking, I wouldn’t be swayed either direction. Men are always up for a good conversation, but just as women don’t like thirsty men, real men don’t like thirsty women. Happy dating!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Dear Allow Me to Introduce Myself,

When it comes to the first encounter I think you have to leave it to the boys. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great you have enough confidence to approach them yourself, but I am guessing you also want a man that goes after what he wants.

Think of it this way, if someone gives you $100 you are more likely to spend it more frivolously than had you put in hours to work for the $100. Men need to work for it or they are less invested. Let him approach you, but in turn make sure you are approachable. If you really are interested do not hesitate to give him the “eyes” and the “nod”; you know what to do 🙂

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Stay in Your Zone

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have a guy friend and I can tell he is starting to like me. How do I break it to him that I don’t like him like that without hurting his feelings?

A: Dear Feelings aren’t Mutual:

You can find the nicest way possible to break the news to him, but understand that his feelings are still going to be hurt. Rejection isn’t easy to receive and it never feels good. I would strongly recommend breaking the news soon, so he doesn’t get led on and his hopes don’t get too high! Personally, I would rather be rejected from jump than to believe I actually have a chance.

It’s not possible to have feelings for everyone who has feelings for us, so let him down and easy and hope for the best. If you guys were good friends before, the friendship may become a little awkward at first, but time heals most (not all) wounds. The longer you wait, the more awkward it will become.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear He Really is Just a Friend, 

If he has not said anything about it or acted on it yet, I would leave it alone. As long as you are able to comfortably enjoy the friendship there is no need to shut him down. On the flip side, if he is expressing how he feels and will not let it go you are going to have to let him know that the feelings are not reciprocated. No use in trying to drop hints about how you feel about just being friends because he won’t catch them. Men need you to be straight forward. Your actions and words have to match. Don’t give him a shred of hope of being anything more. This does not mean you have to be rude to him in any way, it just means you have to keep him firmly in the dreaded “friend zone”.

I cannot promise you he will not get his feeling hurt, no one likes being rejected. Depending on how much he is in “like”, you may lose him, but if he was ever truly your friend he will eventually get over it and you guys will be able to go back to business as usual—Hopefully.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012