Happy Monday!
In this week’s episode, we discussed text messaging in the dating world, the importance of father-daughter/son relationships, and the perfect picnic basket. We were joined by Dominic Riley, Co-Host of Forkin’ Amazing on TradioV and Mr. J’s brother.
Love,
J&J
Have a question for the Love Jays?
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All of my girlfriends friends are wild. They cheat on their boyfriends and are always trying to get with other guys. They encourage her to be unfaithful and wild like them. They undermine our relationship and disrespect it. What do I do?
Let me get this straight, ALL of her friends are wild, every last on of them? And she is the only angel?
I am not saying she is guilty of cheating or being wild herself, I am just simply curious as to why your girlfriend would hang out with an entire group of girls who are ALL wild and cheat.
Friends, in my experience, often share qualities we either posses or admire. Every once in a while we have a friend or two who are completely different from the others, but for the most part your real friends all have something in common with you and something in common with each other. There is always a trend.
You are saying in your girlfriend’s case the trend is that her friends are wild and cheat. It can be argued, based on my observations, that your girlfriend either possesses or admires these traits. I am not pointing fingers, just saying it’s something to consider.
It is not up to you to “fix” the problem. She has to be the one to seek out healthier friendships and terminate the friendships she currently has. You can express how you feel, but when doing this it would probably be best not to have an accusatory tone. Approach her calmly and lay it all out. DO NOT tell her she “can’t” hang out with them anymore, if you do your conversation WILL backfire. The rest is up to her.
If she decides to make changes* based on your conversation, great. If not, you have to decide how you feel about that and decide what you are and are not willing to deal with.
*a change may not necessarily mean she is no longer friends with the girls, it just may mean she hangs out a little less and maybe seeks out some new friendships as well. Be willing to compromise!
Love,
Miss J
Friendships are vital in all of our lives and the company we keep is a direct reflection on us. If you were to select your five closest friends and have a person (who only knew you) talk with them for an hour, that person should leave the room and be able to piece together the reasons why they are your friends.
If your girlfriend is hanging around people who are “wild” and undermine and disrespect their relationships, it may say something about her personality. I’m definitely not saying she acts similarly to her friends, but there is no doubting that our friends help influence our behaviors and actions. If your girlfriend values and respects your relationship, spending time with people who care less about it is probably not the best idea. In my close circle of male friends, I’m the only one who has been in a long-term, committed relationships. And guess what? None of them have encouraged me to disrespect Miss J in any form or fashion and are always there to support.
At one point, your girlfriend’s friends may have been in alignment with her state of mind. But as we mature, our goals and priorities shift, which then causes us to reexamine the company we keep and requires us to make some changes. If you believe these friends could be toxic to her and your relationship, it’s time to speak with your girlfriend and express your concern. Remember, you have NO RIGHT to tell her who she can/cannot be friends with, so it’s important not to attack.
Once your feelings have been expressed, the ball is in her court and she has to decide if these friendships are worth keeping. Regardless of how much you may dislike her friends, they are her friends and you have to respect her decision.
Love,
Mr. J
I’m curious about this whole texting and dating situation. I’ve never been much of a texter — and to be honest, I hate texting. It’s bothersome and you never know what to say and when the other person doesn’t text back, it leaves you wondering, “What?” I’ve just recently started “talking” to someone and it all started one night because we texted for four hours straight. He initiated talk throughout the week but this weekend, conversation has been sporadic. I won’t hear from him for four hours but when I do, he still seems interested. Sometimes when I ask a question, it’ll take him a whole day to get back to me. I know he’s a busy person but I can’t help but wonder. My friends say that most guys are just shitty communicators when it comes to texting. Is that the case or is he just not interested anymore? Is texting just a shitty way to communicate too? Or has it just gotten to a point where he knows he has me and therefore doesn’t feel the need to court me via text message?
First, let me say I do consider texting an acceptable form of communication. It’s a great way to send and receive information quickly when you do not feel like/cannot pick up the phone. However, when “talking” to and individual it would be nice if you guys actually verbally talked. Texting leaves too much to be interpreted, especially when you are trying to communicate how much you do or do not like a potential mate.
As far as your question goes, I think it is safe to say he was excited when he first started talking to you and now he is less excited. Does this mean he does not like you? Not necessarily. Let me put it this way, he’s definitely not head over heels. No one who wants to communicate is bad at communicating. It’s not difficult to respond to a text message. Sadly, your friends have been misinformed and are passing along their misinformation to you. If he was really that terrible at texting (is that even a real thing?) he would not have been so responsive in the first place.
Confession: I say I am bad at responding to text all the time. What I really should say is “I read your message and opt not to respond right away because I am doing something else I am more interested in doing at the time.”
Sad, but true and also not an acceptable excuse when trying to seriously get to know a person.
Also, there is no such thing as “courting via text message”. It is literally the most impersonal mode of communication.
I say this in love…DO NOT BE AFRAID TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS!
You get what you demand. Now would be a great time to demand that whoever is interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.
Love,
Miss J
Let’s start this with a simple PSA to all the men: STOP USING TEXT MESSAGING AS YOUR PRIMARY METHOD OF COMMUNICATION!
SMS: it’s an acronym. (S)hort (M)essaging (S)service. Keyword: SHORT.
Text messaging was developed with the intention of exchanging quick, short-handed conversations without having to call someone. It wasn’t developed to prevent people from ever using their cell phones to ACTUALLY dial a phone number and have a verbal conversation with another human being! Imagine that — using our phones to call people? What a strange concept. You mean to tell me cell phones aren’t just made for downloading 2000 apps or stalking friends on social media or taking pictures of every pointless thing in life?
I’m not bashing text messaging; I use the service everyday. However, I am calling out all those who write college length essays over a text message. Really? Were all those characters necessary? In the time it took you to type everything, you could’ve done the following:
1. Dialed my number
2. Listened to the phone ring at least 3 times before I picked up.
3. Asked your question using half of the words you were going to type.
4. Received the answer to your question.
5. Had a 3-5 minute conversation discussing at least five other things.
You see what we did there? By picking up the phone, we were actually able to discuss multiple topics (in a short amount of time) AND we didn’t have to decode your poor use of the English language or emoticons. Fascinating.
Want to hear more about my opinions on text messaging when dating? Good, I’m glad you agreed.
Where were we? That’s right, something about texting a guy for four hours.
FOUR HOURS?
I’m all for getting to know someone, but if you can’t pick up the phone and carry-on a halfway intelligent conversation, you clearly aren’t as interested as you give off. What makes you think a man who isn’t willing to SPEAK with you is willing to be SEEN with you? Any man who is genuinely interested in getting to know a woman on a more personal level will have no problem picking up the phone, regardless how “busy” he may be or how “poor” he communicates. And as a woman, you should demand his attention and respect. Winning the gold medal shouldn’t be easy, right?
Love,
Mr. J
P.S. Courting via text messaging doesn’t exist. The end. 🙂
© LoveJays 2013
Hey Love Fans!
In this week’s episode, we discussed break-ups, marriage equality, ineffective communication, and transparency in relationships. Special guests included Max Paul, Producer for NBC’s Today Show, and Lindsay Good, Access Hollywood News Producer.
Love,
J&J
Can I trust a partner who stepped out on me in an unofficial relationship and lied about it , when now we are together but she’s going back to same area for 7 months where she cheated/stepped out in the first place?
Stepped out in an unofficial relationship? Sounds like a slight oxymoron. I’m not trying to sound crass, but if the relationship was unofficial, what rules are expected to be followed?
Recently, Miss J and I have been hearing about more and more people bypassing “titles” in their relationships and operating in a “let’s just see how this goes” type fashion. I’m all for people composing the music to their own relationship, yet there comes a climax point when one of the parties is looking to move from a temp to a full-time employee. How much we may dislike it, there is a reason why structure, organization, and rules exist.
As for trusting a partner who continually revisits the place where she got caught up at…I’d scratch my head a few times. Does she have to visit this place on a continual basis (i.e home, school, work) or is this somewhere she goes just because? As we suggest in all of our writings, if her actions are truly bothering you and causing you to lose trust within the relationship, you must communicate those feelings. If she isn’t interested in having a conversation, your suspicions may be confirmed.
Love,
Mr. J
I don’t know, can you? What does your gut say?
You said you were in an unofficial relationship, so technically she did not cheat. If anyone hates to say that, I do, but facts are facts. There’s no such thing as kind of committed. You either are or you aren’t.
Also, where did she “cheat”? If it’s a location she can’t help but frequent (i.e. work, parent’s neighborhood, school ect…) then you have to let bygones be bygones. If it’s somewhere she can help going (i.e. the club, local bar, random dudes house ect…) then you need to have a serious conversation.
A healthy relationship cannot exist without trust. If you are not willing to trust your partner, you should reconsider being in a relationship with them.
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2013
Hey Love Fans!
This week’s episode is broken up into two videos. We have included a link to parts one and two below.
The show features special guest JaSheika James, one of the writers for ABC’s hit series, Revenge. We also discuss why people cheat, happiness in a relationship, match.com, sex cereal and more!
J&J
