Hello Love Fans!
We are on Vacation this week and due to limited internet access we will not be able to post your questions until Tuesday, August 14. Sorry for any inconvenience and we will talk to you soon!
Love,
J&J
“Faith makes all things possible… love makes all things easy.” – Dwight L. Moody
© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
I was in a long term relationship that ended bad. I got really hurt and since then have struggled with trust, and other such issues that clouded our relationship. I am with an amazing man now, who I have had no issues with thus far; EXCEPT the fact that I am so guarded and often times fear that I will face the same problems. How do I not let my last relationship affect the one I am currently in?
A: Dear Let the Past be the Past:
“The past will shape your future, but the past should never control your future.” – Anonymous
Letting the your past relationship have such a stronghold on your current relationship is unfair for your current boyfriend – and most importantly, you. When was the last time you truly sat down with yourself and analyzed all negatives that are still controlling you today? The best way to overcome the effects of your previous relationship is to personally acknowledge these issues (write them down if needed) and then share them with your current partner. Let him in on the struggles you are facing. Give him the opportunity to help you overcome. Relationships are beautiful for that very reason – you have support every step of the way.
The process will be difficult. It will be challenging. It will be uncomfortable. It will be hard work. But just know this – it will all be worth it in the end. You can’t move forward if you are always looking back! I believe in you!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Unwanted Blast From the Past,
In the wise words of my mother “Everyone deserves your trust until they give you a reason not to trust them anymore.” It is difficult to trust men in general just because of all the horror stories that are out there, and the degree of difficulty increases when you have a bad experience of your own.
You need to let the past be the past. Learn from that experience and move on. Maybe now you know what characteristics equal bad news, how to recognize cheating, or even how to know what comments will eventually lead to verbal abuse and then even physical abuse’ or maybe you just learned you ex is a jerk that doesn’t deserve you. Do not let his influence from the past hinder your present. You will be the only one who suffers.
Either way I refuse to believe the experience has left you dumber and weaker, it has left you stronger and wiser. Forget trusting your new man for a second, trust yourself! Trust in the fact that you know better now, and if anything were ever to go down with this new guy you would move to greener pastures. Also trust in the fact that you now know how to pick ‘em and you may just HAVE A GOOD MAN, they do exist.
Be in control of your happiness.
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
Lets say you went out with a guy. You had fun. Two weeks passed. He hasn’t called, texted, or emailed. Should the woman reach out or should you wait? I’m modern gal and I say why wait…
A: Dear Call Waiting:
I respect you for being a modern gal and not letting traditional gender roles influence your decisions, but in this case, you should tear a page out of the ol’ school book and NOT reach out to him. If a man is genuinely into you AND respects you, he would not have let 2 weeks pass before initiating some form of communication. The technology revolution over the past decade has definitely changed the dating game (for the worse) and some men feel the old game has faded away. I couldn’t disagree more.
It’s imperative for men to come to their senses and realize how to treat a lady. I’m sick of reading triflin’ Facebook or Twitter posts about how “some man did this” or “I don’t need a man that”. It’s obvious women are crying out for men to awake from their slumber and realize that most just ain’t doing it right! Where are the real men at? Grab your lady by the face and kiss her just because. Take her to spa and get her pampered. Get in the kitchen and make her dinner and then WASH THE DISHES! Real men need to get on their knees daily and give thanks for being blessed with a queen! Stop taking these women for granted!
As for you miss, kick that whack brotha’ to the curb and delete his number from your phone book. Hold your head up high and walk with confidence knowing that a REAL man is out there looking for you and wouldn’t dare to wait 2 weeks before he reached out to you.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Two weeks Too Late,
Leave it alone. If there is one thing I have learned it is that when men want something they work for it.
Yes, sometimes it is necessary to be a “modern woman”; for example a man may be confused as to where you stand, in that case it is ok to let him know exactly what you want and how much you do/do not like him. Based off of the fact you have already hung out he already knows what he is working with. It is his job to contact you.
Remain patient and have fun in the meantime. He may have a valid reason for not contacting you, but chances are he doesn’t. If he hits you with a text in two weeks talkin’ about he has been “busy” and he is sorry he hasn’t “had a minute” then you need to run fast and in the opposite direction because he is one of “those”.
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2012
Happy August Family!
Can you believe we are already starting the 8th month of 2012? I still remember bringing in the New Year with the lovely Miss J, my brother and a few of his friends down in Pasadena, CA like it was yesterday! Not to mention the atrocious beard I was rockin’ – I’m sure it would have made James Harden cringe. Yes, it was that bad. Guess that is what happens when you take “No Shave November” too far. Don’t’ worry, I have learned my lesson.
Last week, the Love Jays received a question that only warranted a man’s opinion. Here is the question:
“Patience. I have to setup the question(s). Most women, some will deny this, will meet a guy and in their minds immediately jump to the future or to some label (i.e. boyfriend, husband, baby daddy). “The future” can be multiple scenarios. But women decide if this person is worth their time. Imaginary long-term possibilities are explored within minutes of the initial encounter. Do men do the same? If not, at what point do men label or explore/decide on the future potential of women? What makes THAT woman stand out in the millions you meet.”
Side bar: For all the women reading this post who play out similar scenarios, bless your little heart. I send my sincerest regards to your emotions and brain for having to deal with such calculations.
Let’s sum this answer up quickly – absolutely not. Upon meeting a woman, the first and typically only thing men are thinking about is satisfying the physical desire that is burning in both of our heads. Pun intended. Moving on. I wish I could sit here and defend the stereotypes hurled against men for caring too much about the physical, but the harsh reality is that most men aren’t thinking anything about “the next steps” until many days, weeks or even months down the line.
Men are physical creatures. We are naturally aroused when we see an attractive women. It’s in our genetics. We don’t control it. As a result, the animalistic nature inside of us takes over and we quickly decipher if we should attempt to swing for the fences or stay in the dugout and cheer from a distance. Now of course, not all men think or act this way. There are some gentleman left in this world who suppress their natural urges and rationally sift through their mental checklist to decide if you are “future material” relatively quickly.
Some advice going forward – embrace the mindset that all men are only concerned about satisfying themselves. Call our bluff. Force us to play a different hand. We love to be challenged and love when a woman offers something different. A confident, strong and intelligent woman will have a man running in circles trying to make you his future!
You want a man to think about the future quicker? Change the game! The ball is in your court. We are the greatest puppets in the world!
What has been your experience LoveJays fam? How do you get men to think about the future quicker? Fellas, agree or disagree? Let’s discuss it!
Peace and Blessings,
Mr. J
© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
When is your relationship mature enough to handle the next step of moving in together?
A: Dear Living Together,
Cohabitation before marriage…good or bad? Tough call.
When a couple decides to get married, it typically (I use “typically” loosely as a result of how carelessly too many people treat the institution of marriage) means the relationship has matured to a higher level. At this point, I feel a couple is ready to live together. Living together is one of the perks of being married. If you feel you are dating someone who could potentially be your life partner, why wouldn’t you want to wait and enjoy such an experience? I’ve discussed this same question with friends (all of whom are in long-term relationship or married) and most agreed that couples should wait until marriage before cohabiting.
In today’s society, it seems that young people decide to move in together for financial reasons or the “why not?” principle instead of genuinely sitting down with each other to decide why/why not the two of you should live together. Couples who have been dating for a relatively short amount of time (less than 1 year) and are considering moving in together, I would question their intentions. On the other hand, couples who have been dating for 3+ years could probably make a strong case. It truly is a judgement call.
It’s a much bigger decision than what appears on the outside and I strongly suggest couples really take time to analyze the situation before jumping the gun.
In the meantime, check out an opinion piece that appeared in the New York Times in April exploring this exact topic!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Am I Really Ready,
To live together or not to live together? I struggled with this for some time.
As a working adult who is in charge of her own life and the decisions I make my initial thought was why not? I love him, I plan to marry him, we have a great time together, and not to mention I could save a good chunk of change on the rent.
Although all those things are true I decided I am simply just not ready. Period. Mr. J and I have been dating for 4 plus years and we know each other very well, but on the other hand we are still young and I felt it would be best for us to really experience what life is like as adults, living on our own. Not to mention I had a miniature spiritual battle as well ( but that’s another story).
If you plan to marry the person you move in with, that’s it. There is no “well it’s been great living with you, but I think I want my own space now. And yes, of course we will continue to date and everything will be fine and dandy”
Honestly moving in with someone you plan to marry is almost as big of a commitment as marrying them. You take a step past tying yourself to that person emotionally. You really have to be ready. It is a personal decision, a mutual decision, but most importantly it is a BIG decision so really think before you act.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2012
Q: Dear Love Jays,
When my girlfriend and I first got together she pampered me. She gave me massages, made dinner, cleaned my place, did laundry just to name a few. 6 months down the line the pampering has stopped. Is that a sign she is no longer interested in me?
A: Dear I Miss the Pampered Life:
Choo Chooooo!! Looks like the honeymoon train has reached its destination!
[Insert voice on loudspeaker] “Please grab all of your belongings and exit the train. Upon exiting the train, you will officially begin your relationship. Anticipate many bumps, hills, roundabouts, storms and emotional boiling points along the way!”
The ceasing of the pampered life does not mean she has lost interest. She just may feel “all that extra stuff” is no longer needed or warranted. I am not encouraging this behavior, but it may be sign of an occurring shift in your relationship. Next time the two of you are spending quality time together, jokingly bring it up in conversation. See how she responds. If it’s negative or dismissive, uh-oh! If she jokes back, you’re in the clear.
When was the last time you pampered her? Good deeds don’t go unnoticed. Try paying her some extra attention by “pampering” her. Even if you don’t get it return, a happy woman makes for a happy relationship!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Welcome to the Real World,
She still likes you. Breathe. Yes, I know you were in relationship bliss for those six months. Who wouldn’t be with a woman that works overtime to spoil you. Well I hope you enjoyed it buddy, because that ship has sailed! The honeymoon is officially over and now you actually have to work for what you want.
I trust you are familiar with the term “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”? That is exactly what you need to do if you are looking for a little extra TLC.
If you are seriously concerned about the relationship because she has pulled away emotionally as well stopped pampering you then you need to have a conversation about it. Given the timeline I seriously doubt that is the case.
Other than that actions speak louder than words. So light some candles, make some dinner, warm up the massage oil and show her how it is done!
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2012
