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Year of the Woman

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A few weeks ago, my pastor preached a lecture series called the “Year of the Woman”. He spoke about the important role women play in our society, the power all women possess inside of them, acknowledged the driving power to keep women “in their place”, yet what struck me the most weren’t any of the sentiments expressed above. He looked every man in the eye and challenged us to recognize the crucial role we play in assisting women to earn their respective place in society. He called us to be Joseph’s (husband of Mary, mother of Jesus) of the world – men who make a full effort to manifest the dreams and destiny of a woman.

I write this blog with the hope of inspiring young men and women to examine their behaviors and understand the importance women play in our lives. In today’s society, it’s almost impossible to turn on a popular radio station or movie without hearing a negative comment about women. B-this. H-that. And what makes it even worse, our culture has grown completely immune to such name calling and has WOMEN using the words as terms of endearment for each other!

Sit on that.

We must understand progress towards a better world starts with the elevating of a woman. Men have been running this country forever, but of those men running it, how many of them had a strong woman supporting them along the way? Despite your views or political affiliation, do you honestly believe Barack Obama is the same man without Michelle? Martin without Corretta? FDR without Eleanor? She (Michelle) is the anchor to his success and he understands her value. Sure, men can argue until they are blue in the face about “I put in the long days”, “I worked for this” or as Drake so eloquently stated, “B****, you wasn’t with me shootin’ in the gym!” It’s a fair argument, but only a fool believes a man is at his best without a good woman behind them.

What if the roles were reversed and it was a man’s job to support their wife in any endeavor she wanted to peruse? As a man, would you be willing to humble yourself? If you are unable to say ‘yes’ to some part of this question, I challenge you to reexamine your ideals. Women were not placed here to cater to a man’s dream; God placed a dream inside of every woman’s heart, so how dare we (men) limit women in attaining their goals and dreams. It’s time to embrace the woman. Empower the woman. Respect the woman. LOVE the woman! We have come a long way as a generation, but we still have a long way to go. Let’s be mindful of the words we use when referencing to a women; let’s be mindful the way we treat women. Above all, let’s set free our negativity and replace it with positivity.

I would be lying to you by not admitting my guilt in every aspect I speak about. I have helped in contributing to the demeaning of women. I’m not proud of my guilt, but I recognize it. Fortunately, we all have the ability to change. I have made a commitment to manifest the dreams of the women around me and to respect women through my words and actions. Because I am human, I will slip-up. I ask for forgiveness ahead of time and ask all of you to join me in my journey.

For the men reading this post: Help facilitate change. Swim upstream. Honor the woman.

For the woman reading this post: You are beautiful. You are strong. You are intelligent. You have a dream inside of you that the Earth is in need of receiving. Spread your wings and begin to fly. The world is at your feet!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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I Want You Back

Q:Dear Love Jays,

This woman and I dated for about two years and I ended things for what seemed like a deep-rooted clash at the time, but really had more to do with deep-rooted hurt and insecurities that I never dealt with from the previous relationship.

After a few months apart, prayer, meditation and a few timely books I was able to come to terms with myself, my shortcomings in the relationship, and finally found peace from the hurt I held onto for so long.

I met with the recent love and apologized and owned up to everything mentioned above. She was receptive but I know it caught her off guard. I wasn’t me, and now I can see I didn’t give her the best of me…and she loved me through it. Now I’m in a better place and want to, and can honestly give the best of me. But I obviously hurt her and she is adamant about not being together.

However, her actions don’t match her words. We went from not talking at all, to at least once a day and she even initiated taking a day trip together over the past month and some. But there are moments when she really keeps me at bay, trust issues from me leaving I assume…

I’M 100% in this and am truly able to commit my life to her…but she still keeps me at arms length. Advice?

A: Dear Ready to Prove my Love,

I was standing in your exact position just under a year ago. My relationship with Miss J had ended and I was left searching for answers to questions I never wanted to ask myself. It was a difficult two months, but it opened my eyes to all my insecurities and forced me to challenge the person I was becoming. Like you, prayer and reflection led me back to Miss J and I haven’t looked back since that November day.

But let’s be real, though I haven’t looked back, it took many months for Miss J to truly believe I was ready to be the man she needed. She only knew the old me – the one who caused her pain and never fully loved her; the one who she wanted to be with, but didn’t have a relationship with God; the one who appeared to have it all together, but was actually broken. She knew that man for 3.5 years and I expected her to immediately believe that I was ready to commit to her after only two months apart. Not only is that a selfish request, it’s virtually impossible as well.

It takes time, patience and prayer. I truly believe we wouldn’t be writing this blog if developing a relationship with God and prayer was not at the center of our relationship. It has helped guide us down a healthy path and has opened our hearts to love each other more abundantly than ever.

Your woman is still hurting and she has every right to hurt. She will show glimpses that may indicate things are getting better, but the road to recovery is very long. You said you are 100% ready to commit to her, so you also need to be 100% ready to be patient and work through any obstacles she places in your way. PROVE to her you are ready to love her and will NEVER leave her again. It will be difficult. It will be frustrating. It will test you. But through perseverance, the two of you will build a relationship 10x stronger than it was in the past. Lean on Him for strength and you will get your queen back!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Give me a Second Chance,

Mr. J and I had a similar problem. We split for two months and he came back a “changed man”. How was I supposed to just believe him after he spent so much time confused and unappreciative of who I was and the love I gave him for all those years? Was I expected to just trust what he said was true?

Oddly enough the answer was yes, I was supposed to trust him; not only by what he was saying, but by what he was showing me as well. I can tell you from being on the other side of the situation it is not easy. A lesson women learn early on is that a man will say anything to get back with you (especially if you are doing well) and if he burns you once he will burn you again. This lesson is the changed man’s worst nightmare.

My advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Slowly gain her trust back day by day, let her know you are here for her. Say what you feel, but also show her…CONSTANTLY. I know when I was in that state of mind I needed constant reassurance. During our break up, I reunited with a part of myself I thought I had lost. I figured out during that time that I really really do like me for me. When he came back, I was scared I was going to have to give that up.  I was really happy he was back, but I was really hurt he left in the first place. I had a hard time understanding the fact he really changed, he wasn’t just saying it to get me back so he could hurt me again. HE WAS SERIOUS! He was patient, kind, understanding and supportive. He made it his mission to mend the damage he did to my heart. On top of all that, he proved he loved all the progress I made, he loved all of me and wanted to share all of himself with me. That was what really sealed the deal, the realization that he wanted me to be the best version of myself. He did not want me to be with him if it cost me any happiness and he has made sure of that until this day.

It seems like she is coming around. Don’t press her for any commitment; right now just focus on gaining her trust. Keep praying and prove to her you are for real for as long as it takes. If it is meant to be you guys WILL eventually get back to a good place.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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But You Say I’m Just a Friend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I recently realized that I am in love with my best guy friend. The only problem is that I can’t figure out whether he feels the same way about me….I don’t want to say something and then risk destroying the friendship. We have a bunch of mutual friends and they keep telling me to go for it, but I am still holding back.

We are extremely good friends, I am totally comfortable around him (always feel like I can be ‘me’), would do anything for him, and I am even willing to adjust my future career plans in order to be with him. I have always been a very driven woman with high career and life goals, so the fact that I am willing to compromise some of my plans for a guy is a big deal.

I am torn because I cannot imagine not having him in my life should he not see me in a romantic light, but at the same time I feel like I am carrying around a huge secret by not telling him how I truly feel.

I am almost certain that he is “the one,” aka the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with — he drives me crazy sometimes yet I still love him and he meets all of my “must haves” in a potential husband/life partner.

What should I do? Should I say something or just be content in the friendship? How do I try to probe his feelings and find out if he feels the same way?

Please Help!

A: Dear My Best Friend has my Heart,

I mentioned this in a previous post, but I will say it again: There is nothing more beautiful than falling in love with your best friend. For some people, the person we fall in love with may not start off as our best friend, but if we want that relationship to reach its maximum level of love, happiness and strength – our significant other MUST BE our best friend.  Not only you have been blessed to have someone who you can confidently call your “best friend”, you have met a person who allows you to be comfortable in your own skin and makes you feel like no one else does!

Embrace your feelings, but also understand that two possibilities can result if you have this conversation. You are clearly in love with this man and are ready to commit yourself to him. He may feel the same, he may not. Prepare yourself for either possibility. Who knows, he may be asking himself this very questions, yet may be too afraid or uncertain on how to approach it.

I firmly believe you will be doing yourself and the friendship a disservice by not expressing your true feelings. It’s unclear how long the two of you have been friends, but it’s obvious the two of you have grown close over the years. If there isn’t anything in this world a best friend could handle, it’s honesty. Friendships are built on honesty, so open your heart and be honest. It may single-handedly be the most frightening thing you will do, but it will all be worth it. Who wants to continue down life’s journey being “just a friend” to the person they believe is the one for them?

Give your heart the opportunity to discover if he really is the one! Just remember, prepare for both possibilities.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I’m In love with my Bestie,

This is great news! Who better to fall in love with than the person who knows you, loves you and trust you the most in the world. Beyond that, the feelings are reciprocated on your end; how wonderful!

Chances are if your mutual friends are all saying to go for it, they may know something you don’t know. He may already know, or he may even feel the same but he may be uncertain of your feeling.

Answer these questions:

  1. Are you both single?
  2. Is your friendship strong enough to weather a relationship?
  3. Are you more afraid of losing a friend or your potential husband? (trick question, but answer it anyway)
  4. Would you have to compromise anything that will subtract from you being a better person?
  5. Has your friendship grown since 2011, if so in what direction and if you were to stay “just friends”, what your friendship would really look like in 2013?

If you answered “no” to number one, have respect for his current relationship. If you strike now you won’t even be able to be friends depending on how serious he is about his girl. Now that’s out of the way…

Making the jump from best friend to boyfriend/girlfriend can be awesome, but it will have its challenges as well. You will have to “re-train” each other in some areas because you will be making a different type of commitment to one another. Some things will come naturally and others you will have to work for. Nothing to fret about, but definitely something to prepare for. Make sure you are both on the same page as to what you want out of the relationship.

Number 3 is a trick question because if you believe in you heart of hearts he is “the one” you will never lose his friendship and you will only gain a husband (potentially/eventually). Really weigh what you are compromising, anyone in a successful relationship will tell you compromise is a key component of their success; however make sure you do not compromise anything that has to do with who you truly are at the core. It’s not worth being with someone if you can’t be and do what you feel your purpose is in life.

Lastly, if you are in love with your best friend now there is a good chance you will be in love with him this time next year. The moment you discovered have deeper feelings for him you erased any hope of a true “just friends” relationship. You don’t want to wake up one day both married to different people wondering “what if…”.

Go for it!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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The Good Ole’ Love at First Sight Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Do you believe in love at first sight? I think I saw the love of my life the other day, but I’m hesitant to tell her. Should I?

A: Dear Love at First Sight,

I definitely believe in love at first sight. Story time!

In July 2007, I was working a basketball camp at my alma mater when I noticed a beautiful young lady walking through the cafeteria. I quickly told one of my teammates and both of them encouraged me to introduce myself. I went back-and-forth for a good 5 minutes and could not muster up the courage to get out my chair. Right when I convinced myself to go over there, one of my older teammates swooped on the beautiful lady and introduced himself. The young lady was looking for a specific building on campus, so my teammate directed her to the appropriate building.

Immediately after lunch concluded, my teammate and I scurried over to the building where the young lady was headed. We found the room and patiently waited for another opportunity to speak with her. We never got the opportunity to speak with her, but we did get a chance to speak with her mother (it was registration day for first-year students, so she was accompanied by her mom). My teammate did the majority of the talking with the young lady’s mother while I examined her body trying to look for a name tag. She didn’t have a name tag and the mother never introduced her daughter to us. They walked out the room and I never spoke a word to her.

I headed back to the gym and told my teammate, “I’m going to date that girl one day.” If you haven’t already figured it out, the beautiful lady who walked through the cafeteria on that July afternoon was the lovely Miss J! School started a few weeks after and I was able to catch her attention through a desperate/thirsty act (give me a break – I was 18-years- old) and the rest is history!

Moral of the story: love at first sight does exist. I know firsthand. Mustering up the courage to introduce yourself may be difficult, but it will all be worth it. Stay away from the “I fell in love with you at first sight” line and you will be good. Your heart knows best – don’t let a good one get away!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Dear Awe Struck, 

Do I believe in actual “love” at first sight?….eh that’s hard to say.

Men are such visual creatures and when you SEE  something you like I believe you feel intense infatuation and lust. These two emotions mimic love in intensity. Therefore I feel it is more appropriate to say I believe in “I like what I see and I want it” at first sight. This is not to say women cannot experience something similar, I am sure most do, but I think they are more inclined to take it a step further and have a conversation with a man before deciding “it’s love”. In this case I would say it is more appropriate to call it ” I like what I see, I like what I hear, and I want it” at first sight.

Love takes takes time. No way around it. You can really like someone, you can get along really well, and I really do believe we all have the ability to see whether or not you could possibly fall in love with a person from the first few encounters. Now some have clouded vision, but if you are 100% real with yourself you will know. Just one of God’s many great gifts he gives his children. Embrace it!

So back to your question, if you are feeling that strongly and you have really connected with her I suggest you tell her just that.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Controlling Boyfriend

Q:Dear Love Jays, 

My boyfriend is very jealous and controlling. He gets mad when I spend time with my friends and he doesn’t want to let me spend time with my friends without him being there. I’ve told him how I feel about it and he pretty much made himself the victim and said that couples are supposed to do everything together. What do I do?

Dear My Boyfriend is Controlling,

Get.Out.Now!

Controlling and jealousy issues are more common than most people realize. These problems stem from a complete lack of self-esteem and lack of self-identity. He doesn’t like the person he is, so he has decided to make you just as miserable as him.

As stated so many times before, a relationship is a two-way street built on love, trust, friendship and sacrifice. It’s very clear your relationships is lacking the core values of a successful relationship, so why continue? You have to understand that YOU are the most important person in this life. YOU are strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving – the list goes on.

Any man controlling who his woman hangs out with or what she can do is the poorest excuse of a boyfriend and a man! A real man will put complete trust in his woman because he knows he is doing EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to make his home the happiest. An unhappy woman is an unhappy relationship.

He doesn’t deserve anything further in this relationship and I pray that you find the strength and courage to walk out the door. Do it for YOU!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Dear My boyfriend wants me all to himself, 

Unfortunately  ( and quite frankly fortunately) this issue has nothing to do with you, therefore you cannot fix it. You tried to reason with him and he made himself the victim. Victim mentality is just another form of manipulation. Another form of manipulation is isolation, he will make it so that there is nowhere for you to go. Your friends will eventually bounce because they won’t be able to hang out with you sans him and trust me they know why he is around even if you haven’t told them.

He has to deal with this one on his own, his control is stemming from some insecurity that he has. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM.

The good news is that you can see what he is doing, for that I applaud you. A lot if women find themselves in relationships similar to yours and cannot see what is wrong, they just know something is not right. You have pin pointed it, Kudos.

Relationships are about support, friendship, love, appreciation, and kindness. They are not about control, hovering, and manipulation. You may say “he is kind and loving”, but when he is also controlling and manipulative you may need to question how much of that is real. Most of all you should be happy if not all of the time, the majority of the time.

My best advice is to get out and get out now while you can see clearly. Make sure you are fully prepared when you go in for the break up though, he will either try and talk you back in to the relationship or he will act like it is completely ok for you to go. Just remember you know his true colors and you deserve better. You know it and believe me he does too.

Controlling men can be dangerous, it starts verbally and manifest into a physical thing 9 times out of 10. Spare yourself.

Love,

Miss J

For those of you reading this who feel you may be in a potentially unhealthy relationship check out the signs here.

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© LoveJays 2012

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More than a Best Friend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have a question. I met this girl about 4 years ago and right when I met her we hit it off. Over the past 4 years she’s been my closest friend and she’s always been the realest person I’ve ever known. We’ve been best friends but now we are starting to fall for each other. We’ve always kinda had a thing but never acknowledged it until now. We both want to start a relationship but were afraid of the risk of losing each other. Any advice?

Dear I Like my Best Friend,

It’s not everyday people get the opportunity to fall in love with a person who is their best friend – someone who truly understands and appreciates them. Over the past 4 years, you have had a woman who has most likely celebrated with you during your highs and comforted you during your lows. You have complimented her rather easily in your question and admitted to both liking each other, so….what are you waiting for?

A successful relationship is built upon a strong and loving friendship. It’s impossible to date someone, let alone love someone, who is not your friend. You have been “dating” for the past four years and just haven’t admitted it! Miss J is my best friend and the love of my life – the perfect combination!

As for losing each other, leave that excuse at the door. You like her. She likes you. 1+1=2. Pick up the phone and ask her on the date. The rest will be history!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear The Plot of Love and Basketball,

If the feelings are truly mutual I say go for it! When you begin dating someone they also become your best friend, you are two steps ahead of the game. Have a conversation and talk about what you both expect out of a relationship because the transition from friend to boyfriend will be a little different.

In the case of a break up would it be hard to salvage what you have now? Possibly…chances are if you have always had some type of “feelings” for one another you were never “just” best friends. You have been close for years and you feel strongly about one another. You have essentially been “talking” to someone for an extended amount of time and recently had an aha moment. That is ok! The worst thing to do would be to wait it out and miss your opportunity.

On the other hand, if you feel you are not in a good state mentally to be in a relationship or vice versa, hold off! But if you are ready to love and be loved as Nike’s slogan says “Just do it”! 

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012