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Work Relationship Gone Too Far?

Dear Love Jays,

I was hoping to get your opinion on work friends of the opposite sex (of someone in a relationship) becoming friends outside of work or spending time together outside of work.

Dear Work Relationships,

So glad you asked this question! Work relationships are so unique and they often take on many different forms.

Sometimes a work friend is just a work friend, no more and no less. You talk to them while you are at work and all communication ends when you are at home/during the weekend/ on vacation. Other times you have a genuine connection and that work friend becomes a real friend. You can also have a work husband/wife/brother/sister, work mentor, after work happy hour buddy, company event buddy ect…

When work relationships take a turn into real friendship and it’s with the opposite sex, it’s important you significant other approves. Have them meet so they know who you are spending time with. If they are uncomfortable, it needs to be addressed. Your significant other will be able to sniff out your new work friend’s intent almost immediately. If they express to you they are suspicious of this person, you need to respect that. If you just have a jealous partner, that’s not a good enough reason. Sorry, it’s just not.

Side Note: On a personal note, when I first entered the working world I had to get used to the concept of having coffee and lunch with other men. It was weird at first. I assumed everyone was in some way attracted to me, and while it may have been true for some of the men, others were interested in networking.

Also, consider this. While in a relationship you should never hang out with a specific person (non-related) of the opposite sex one on one excessively. It’s a recipe for disaster. Even though I have a couple of male best friends, I would never hang out with them one on one every day. There is zero attraction on both ends, but it’s just a respect thing for Mr. J. That’s what he is there for. Significant others are a built-in best friend of the opposite sex.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

Dear Work Friends Becoming Real Friends,

The ultimate challenge in a relationship: determining which friends make the cut!

We can choose to believe that all of our friendships are healthy and supportive. Who wants to question rather or not the people around us our negatively influencing us or our relationship? Unfortunately, the older we become and grow within our personal relationship, some people simply no longer have the same place (or any place at all) in our lives.

And guess what?? That’s not a bad thing! We are continually growing as individuals; some for the worst, some for the best. Keep your circle positive!

When it comes to maintaining friendships with the opposite sex, exercise common sense. If you are sleeping with this person on the side or praying you someday will, it’s probably in your best interest to let that friendship fall by the wayside. I could care less if you met this person at work, school, the gym — all “new” friends should be introduced into your significant other’s life. I’m not saying the two of them need to become best friends, but they at least need to pass the smell test.

Cheers!

Mr. J

P.S. I low-key didn’t answer the question, but you can still catch my drift!

 

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Battling Insecurities

Dear Love Jays,

I’m having a similar problem to one that was recently submitted about a controlling boyfriend. The difference? I’m the controlling one. :-/

I recognize the fault in myself; I know I can be overly controlling with my boyfriend, and I can tell that it stems from a major insecurity in myself. But I love this man very much and I definitely don’t enjoy being that way with him. I’d like to do anything I can not to be that way with him because I love him. I’m having a hard time with the how….. Any suggestions?!

Dear Insecurities Getting In The Way,

Let’s start this on a positive note — kudos for identifying the source of your controlling behavior. Insecurities haunt us all. Rich or poor, oversized or fit, black or white — none of us have it all together. Some do a better job of hiding it than others, but we already know the deal. Okay, tangent over.

Conquering our insecurities is a daily process that requires constant attention and effort. We do not have the luxury of turning off our insecurities, therefore, we cannot afford to ignore them and hope they magically go away. It’s easy to sit idle with this mindset because facing our insecurities is uncomfortable. Can you think of anything more dreadful than looking in the mirror and identifying all the things wrong with us? I didn’t think so. It’s awful, yet unbelievably necessary.

When we open ourselves to vulnerability and expose these shortcomings to our significant other, a powerful shift ignites within your relationship. The facade is stripped away. The makeup is washed off. The relationship transforms from “you vs. me” to “we”. As long as you allow the “you vs. me” to dominate the conversation, your relationship will never fully bloom.

It’s time to put on your favorite shoes and start walking down uncomfortable lane. 🙂

Love,

Mr. J

P.S. If your boyfriend fuels these insecurities, we have a whooooole different set of issues to discuss!

Dear Not In Control,

When we have the desire to control the uncontrollable, it is often the result of being unable to control ourselves. You are not addressing something and it is manifesting in an unhealthy way. The good news is you are on the right track. You have acknowledged your problem. Now you just need help with execution.

First, stop with trying to control your boyfriend. I know it’s hard, but if you don’t, the likelihood of him leaving you is high and completely warranted. Second, you need to identify what you are insecure about. You can do this by asking yourself these questions:

1. Are you afraid he is going to leave you? If so, why?

2. Has anything happened in the past within your current relationship that has added to your insecurities? If so, is it salvageable?

3. Has anything happened in a past relationship that is affecting how you react to your current partner?

4. What do you deserve and why do you feel you deserve it? Is this healthy?

5. At the root of it all, in its simplest form, what is your fear?

These questions are important and they need to be addressed immediately. You need to be completely honest with yourself. Once you do that, you just start chomping away at each problem you identified. It is also important to communicate with your boyfriend and let him know what you are trying to do. You’ll need his support and input if you really want to grow.

Loving someone is a risk. You risk loss, failure, loneliness and heartbreak. It takes a strong and secure person to love someone correctly. His life is not yours to control, but if you play your cards right, it could be yours to share.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

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How to Demand Respect and Attention

Demanding Respect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

In the recent question regarding The Truth About Texting, both of you guys made the same very interesting point. Mr J said, “And as a woman, you should demand his attention and respect.” while Miss J said, “I say this in love…DO NOT BE AFRAID TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS! You get what you demand. Now would be a great time to demand that whoever is  interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.”

My question is how do you make those demands? I feel like I’ve demanded from my boyfriend that respect and attention and whatnot and it seems to only create more strife/conflict in our relationship. Is there a right way to do this that I don’t know about?

A: Dear How to Demand,

I’m just going to dive right in.

When it comes to communication, you have to teach people how to communicate with you. For example, if you want someone to call you instead of texting and they shoot you a text saying,”How was your day?”, you would respond by saying, “Call me when you have a moment and I will tell you all about it.” That is what I meant by “demand that whoever is interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.” Now on to your question…

  1. What have you done to “demand” respect and attention from your boyfriend?
  2. What is your idea of respect and attention?
  3. Are you giving him the same amount of respect and attention you expect from him?
  4. Are your expectations realistic?

These are all very important questions to consider; when you have a quiet moment, I want you to write down the answers down and evaluate your expectations vs. reality.

How you go about demanding respect is crucial. You cannot do it by disrespecting someone into submission and you cannot do it by leaving it up to someone else’s discretion on how to treat you. You have to do it by, first, respecting yourself and second, by giving that person the respect you expect to receive. If the person is unwilling to meet the level of respect you expect (that is where the respect for yourself comes in), you leave. Respect is essential and without i,t you cannot have a healthy relationship.

Attention can also be tricky, some people need more attention that others. If your idea of attention is being together all of the time and talking on the phone every second you spend apart then that is an unrealistic expectation. No one can give someone 100% attention 100% of the time. On the flip side, if you are only able see your boyfriend twice a week and when you see him he is always preoccupied with something else then you have a valid case.

In college Mr. J and I spent a lot of time together, but it was never quality time. It always felt like I just happened to be there and he would go about his day. He honestly thought we were spending quality time together just because we were in the same room. I told him it was not about the quantity of time, but the quality of the time we spent together. I would rather see him for one hour everyday and really spend time with each other, than see him ten hours of every day but not ever engage in something meaningful. This whole interaction left me needy; I eventually wanted all of his time hoping it would eventually turn into something of quality. It never did and we broke up.

I am not saying you have to break up, I am just saying there comes a point when you have to accept the facts. Everyone is capable of giving their significant other attention and respect, they just might not be willing. Lay everything out on the table, tell your boyfriend exactly what you need and expect. If he is unwilling to meet those needs and expectations, it’s time to move on you have to decide what to do from there.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Fulfilling My Demand,

Relationships are a working partnership consisting of two people giving 100% effort towards making it successful. We’ve often heard relationships referenced as “50/50”, but the reality is that if both parties aren’t consciously striving to give their best effort, the relationship will likely fail.

Aside from effort, communication and sacrifice complete the relationship trinity. Relationships require daily maintenance and it thrives when two people are willing to commit themselves to the work. The work will not always be fun, but the dividends we receive from working hard is usually well worth it.

Have you noticed a common theme within the first two paragraphs?

“Two people”
“Both parties”
“Themselves”

We can make demands all day, but if we are with a partner who isn’t willing to work towards satisfying those demands…you’re wasting precious time and energy. It is our responsibility to enter relationships with a REASONABLE level of expectation and communicate these feelings prior to starting one. If you “demanded” your man to treat you (respect and attention) a certain way, yet you have allowed him to act below those standards, who is to blame? It’s easy to point the finger in the opposite direction; however, both of you are equally responsible for maintaining an acceptable respect level.

The hardest component in communicating effectively is not what we say, but how we say it. “Demand” has a strong overtone and people often shut down or rebel when slapped with one. We have to carefully structure our words in way that expresses our discontent without coming off too aggressive or attacking. When Miss J and I have had our own issues, she does a great job of expressing her feelings without putting me on the defensive; the times when the opposite has happened, it only led to more frustration and confusion.

Managing strife and conflict is an essential task of every relationship, yet we should never sacrifice our feelings or self-worth to avoid it. You have to decide what you are willing to accept, then act accordingly.

Love,

Mr. J

For your listening enjoyment 🙂

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0]
© LoveJays 2013
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I Don’t Approve Of My Girlfriend’s Friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

All of my girlfriends friends are wild. They cheat on their boyfriends and are always trying to get with other guys. They encourage her to be unfaithful and wild like them. They undermine our relationship and disrespect it. What do I do?

A: Dear Birds of a Feather,

Let me get this straight, ALL of her friends are wild, every last on of them? And she is the only angel?

I am not saying she is guilty of cheating or being wild herself, I am just simply curious as to why your girlfriend would hang out with an entire group of girls who are ALL wild and cheat.

Friends, in my experience, often share qualities we either posses or admire. Every once in a while we have a friend or two who are completely different from the others, but for the most part your real friends all have something in common with you and something in common with each other. There is always a trend.

You are saying in your girlfriend’s case the trend is that her friends are wild and cheat. It can be argued, based on my observations, that your girlfriend either possesses or admires these traits. I am not pointing fingers, just saying it’s something to consider.

It is not up to you to “fix” the problem. She has to be the one to seek out healthier friendships and terminate the friendships she currently has. You can express how you feel, but when doing this it would probably be best not to have an accusatory tone. Approach her calmly and lay it all out. DO NOT tell her she “can’t” hang out with them anymore, if you do your conversation WILL backfire. The rest is up to her.

If she decides to make changes* based on your conversation, great. If not, you have to decide how you feel about that and decide what you are and are not willing to deal with.

*a change may not necessarily mean she is no longer friends with the girls, it just may mean she hangs out a little less and maybe seeks out some new friendships as well. Be willing to compromise!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Her Friends Stay Wylin’,

Friendships are vital in all of our lives and the company we keep is a direct reflection on us. If you were to select your five closest friends and have a person (who only knew you) talk with them for an hour, that person should leave the room and be able to piece together the reasons why they are your friends.

If your girlfriend is hanging around people who are “wild” and undermine and disrespect their relationships, it may say something about her personality. I’m definitely not saying she acts similarly to her friends, but there is no doubting that our friends help influence our behaviors and actions. If your girlfriend values and respects your relationship, spending time with people who care less about it is probably not the best idea. In my close circle of male friends, I’m the only one who has been in a long-term, committed relationships. And guess what? None of them have encouraged me to disrespect Miss J in any form or fashion and are always there to support.

At one point, your girlfriend’s friends may have been in alignment with her state of mind. But as we mature, our goals and priorities shift, which then causes us to reexamine the company we keep and requires us to make some changes. If you believe these friends could be toxic to her and your relationship, it’s time to speak with your girlfriend and express your concern. Remember, you have NO RIGHT to tell her who she can/cannot be friends with, so it’s important not to attack.

Once your feelings have been expressed, the ball is in her court and she has to decide if these friendships are worth keeping. Regardless of how much you may dislike her friends, they are her friends and you have to respect her decision.

Love,

Mr. J

 

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She Needs to Back Off!

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months. We go to a few of the get-togethers that my friends have and everyone knows we are a couple. There is this girl who is not necessarily a friend of mine, but is a friend of a friend who is typically around in these social settings. I never had a problem with her, but lately I have noticed how she tries to get my boyfriend’s attention A LOT.  There were times I noticed it and brushed it off because I trust my boyfriend, and also, I don’t want to be “that one” who thinks every female wants her man. The first time I noticed it I laughed because I couldn’t believe she was being extra, but then the next time it happened it was so blatantly obvious.

I guess my question is how do we deal with this kind of person. For me, the respect level is lacking and that’s where the frustrating part is coming from.

Dear Flirting With My Man,

Miss J told me loooong ago that women are naturally attracted to committed men. She went on to explain several reasons why this is indeed true, all of which made perfectly good sense. We have revisited the conversation a few times over the course of our relationship and it has helped make me more aware of womanly intentions.

Men love getting attention from women, myself included. Better yet, we all love getting attention from the opposite sex. Women just do a MUCH better job of explaining they aren’t interested or keeping it more low-key. The second option isn’t the recommended choice, but let’s not pretend we are all innocent.

Although we may dismiss some actions as just “friendly” or “playful”, most men can identify when a woman is looking to quench her thirst. The problem isn’t that we aren’t able to decipher such actions; the problem is that we often choose to ignore these signs which then lead to conflicts, arguments and hurt feelings.

“I, Mr. J, acknowledge my guilt and thank Miss J for communicating her feelings each and EVERY time.”

Advice on how handling these type of people?

  1. Acknowledge their intentions.
  2. Explain their intentions to your boyfriend or girlfriend.
  3. Remind your boyfriend or girlfriend to exercise common sense.
  4. Check your boyfriend or girlfriend when they fail to exercise common sense.
  5. Repeat steps 1-4

Cheers!

Mr. J

Dear Unwelcome Attention,  

Men are more attractive when taken. I personally do not find myself extra attracted to a man who already has a woman, but many females do. I think it has something to do with knowing that man has the ability to be in a committed relationship. Very twisted way of thinking if you ask me, but hey, it is what it is.

Unfortunately, you cannot do anything to control what is going on outside of your relationship, but you do have a say for what goes on inside of your relationship. If this girl is really a problem speak to your boyfriend about it. Let him know you are not jealous and you trust him completely; however, her lack of respect for your relationship is bothersome. This is where the teamwork aspect of the relationship comes in. Once you bring her behavior to his attention you two can come up with a way to deal with her together.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013

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Jealous or Just Over Thinking?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m best friends with a guy. (I’m a girl.) I find myself jealous of his girlfriend though I’ve thought it through and know I don’t want to date him. I find myself feeling like I should distance myself from him, but he’s a great friend to me and we’re really close. I’m single and think maybe if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t feel like there’s an imbalance in the power dynamics of our relationship. Am I over thinking this? What do y’all think?

A: Dear Role Replacement,

I’ve always held the belief that it is very difficult to maintain a best friend relationship between men and women. Notice I said difficult, not impossible.

We are naturally attracted to each other and as these friendships progress, the feelings of “this is just my friend” can easily turn into “I want to be more than friends”.  Who wouldn’t want to date the person who knows everything about you? The person you share your innermost thoughts and feelings? The person who is always there when you need to talk? Shoot, just typing all of this makes me want to date my best friend, too! Fortunately for me, I’m already dating her. (Insert “awwwww” moment).

You clearly stated you aren’t interested in dating your friend, so I’m going to believe you. Though you may not be interested in him romantically, you have a vested interest in the special relationship the two of you share…and I don’t blame you. It’s nice to have those relationships. Unfortunately, these relationships have to take on different forms when a significant other comes into the picture. One of the most crucial parts of any relationship is time. Time is everything. When the two of you were single, he didn’t have to commit time to a specific person, but now he does. The reason you are feeling jealous of his girlfriend is simple – she is getting more time and attention, which has resulted in less time and attention directed to you.

It’s an uncomfortable and awkward feeling to embrace, but understand it’s all a part of the growing process. If he really is your best friend, support his new relationship and take advantage of the moments when you guys talk or spend time together. Change is inevitable and those who welcome it will always come out on top!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Am Jealous of My Best Friend’s Girlfriend,

I think we can all get a little territorial when it comes to your best friend dating someone new. Someone new means things are going to change, and sometimes we don’t want things to change because we already like everything just the way it is.

You said you don’t want to date your friend, that’s the good news. You can still be friends! The bad news is you do have to share and give up the title of “main woman” in his life.

Sharing does not mean you have to give him up as a friend completely. There is still room for a non-romantic relationship in his life. When two single people of the opposite sex engage in a deep friendship, lines often get blurred. Even if you guys have not been intimate (at least you did not mention that you were), there are still little things you have to adjust. He can no longer be your go-to guy when you need a +1 or be your date on Friday night when you just want to cook dinner, lay on the couch and watch a movie.  Up until now you have both been a friend as well as a filler for a boyfriend/ girlfriend to one another. It’s natural, but things have now changed and that’s ok.

The fact you acknowledged you might not be experience these feelings if you had a relationship as well tells me you are a logical person and you will definitely be ok. I think it would be fair to say you aren’t jealous your friend is with someone, you are just longing for company of your own.

Make sure the girl he is with knows you come in peace and enjoy your friendship with your best friend for what it is now. Your special someone will come soon enough. 🙂

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2013