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Soul Mate(s)

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have read through most of your post and wonder what is your he said/ she said version of soul mates/ twin flames?

A: Dear Thoughts about Soul Mates,

With billions of people living on earth, the chances of meeting our actual soul mate can be pretty intimidating. Social media and online dating have made it much easier to connect with complete strangers by narrowing our target audience, but it still doesn’t eliminate the long and arduous road some travel in finding a mate.

I definitely believe soul mates do exist, yet I don’t feel it’s as uncommon as some may think. When we traditionally think of “soul mates”, we create this fairy-tale of a story about two people who are so madly in love and will spend the rest of their lives together in eternal bliss. Our society has created this façade that cripples people into believing their soul mate will fulfill every item on their checklist and only a select few will ever get to experience it.

PSA: FALSE!

Finding your soul mate isn’t all about finding the perfect person; it’s about finding the person who simply makes you a better you. The person who makes you smile, laugh, cry; the person you enjoy seeing everyday and loving; your best friend. We are often presented with people who could be our soul mate(s), yet we may not be ready or open to receiving such a blessing. Lord knows, I wasn’t ready to find Miss J at 18, but there comes a point when you stop fighting and you let nature take its course.

They say good things always come when you least expect it, so just live and stop worrying about finding your soul mate. Be open and willing to accept/give love and I’m sure someone will come wandering in your direction. The question is, will you be ready?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Questioning The Existence Of Soul Mates, 

To truly believe in a soul mate, I think it is important to understand exactly what a soul mate is. In Greek mythology, it is said a single human being consisted of a male and female in one body. Zeus feared the power of the male and female together as one, so he separated them into two separate bodies leaving them to roam the earth in search of their other half. Today, a soul mate is defined as a person who is perfectly suited for another in temperament. In layman’s terms, a soul mate is supposed to be someone who “just gets you”.

I think we encounter several “soul mates” in life. Some in the form of friendship, mentors, family, and of course romance. In terms of romance, I do believe in “the one”. But I also believe that “the one” may not be your “one and only” or they could in fact be just that.

Let me explain…

Let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love. You understand each other and things just make sense. Now let’s say (God forbid) something tragic happens and that person passes away. I cannot and do not believe that you are damned to live the rest of your life without the prospect of having that connection ever again.

I also do not believe any relationship is effortless, soul mate or otherwise. So now let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love and you connect on every level, but you don’t work at anything. You let the relationship rot. Well in that case I think you are prematurely ending things with the one person who may be designated as your soul mate for a longer period of time than you decided to stay together. Does that make sense?

Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is extremely hard to tell who is in your life for which reason so your best option is to love always.

So in short I guess my answer is yes, I believe in soul mates. There may or may not be more than one. Either way you will have to work hard at the relationship. Love hard and love always. You can’t go wrong with that.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Something Special for my Man

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend has been working so hard (with REALLY long hours) this month and has been a tad more stressed than usual. I want to do something extra special for him to help him unwind and have a little bit of fun. Any suggestions?

 A: Dear Thoughtful,

My suggestion would be to plan something flexible and relaxing. Since you said REALLY long hours I assume he is dead tired at the end of the day. He probably does not have the energy to do anything that requires extra effort. Instead I would suggest making the things he has to do anyway easier for him. For example, when he comes home you could have dinner ready( a man has to eat) and while he is eating run him a hot bath( a man has to get clean) , and after his bath you could give him a massage( just because you want to make him feel special). If he does not fall asleep during your massage you can have his favorite movie in the dvd player cued and ready to go. I say your plans need to be flexible because he may just want to get home and get in bed. With this type of plan, worst case scenario he just ends up having dinner for lunch the next day and you get to spare your hands from giving a massage!

Love,
Miss J

A: Dear A Little Something Special,

The great thing about being a man is our simplistic nature. It really doesn’t take much too please us, at all. We could have an ice cold beer while watching the game and be perfectly content and happy.

How does that ole’ proverb go: “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” We love food, especially a delicious home-cooked meal! Take an entire afternoon/evening to prepare a very romantic 3-course dinner. If you don’t know how to cook, spend some quality time researching and don’t use it as an excuse. I can already see it…he walks through the door and you have on a nice dress with the lights dim and candles on the dining room table. The music is low and the wine is in a bucket of ice. The appetizers are ready to be served – the two of you indulge. Haha, okay that’s enough. I was low key getting hungry!

Follow up the dinner with a nice dessert and then spend some “quality time” with each other. I’ll leave the X-Rated thoughts and suggestions left up to you and the readers! Have fun!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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The Difference Between Persistence and Annoyance

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

At what point does being persistent in pursuing that attractive female become an annoyance?

A: Dear A Little too Persistent,

We have always been told that persistence leads to success, but when it comes to the dating world – persistence must be executed strategically and effectively. If handled inappropriately, persistence is equivalent to thirst! And believe it when I say that once a woman thinks a man has become thirsty for her, his chances went from “slightly maybe, but not really” to “I would rather skydive without a parachute then see or speak to him again”.

Fellas – it is very important to understand the signs and vibes women give off when we are in pursuit. Unfortunately, we often ignore these cues because of infatuation and raging hormones. These signs may not be very apparent at the onset, but as time passes, I’m sure several hints have been thrown in your direction that indicate whether or not the woman is interested.

Here are a few scenarios that may indicate when a women is not interested:

1.Your phone calls or text messages have not been answered. Oh, and in case you didn’t get the hint – sending more text messages only makes it worse. You have already sent “Hey baby” or “What you doing today?” three times and failed to get a response – the 4th try isn’t going to help your cause.

2. Your request is still pending on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. The fact you found her on all three platforms is already a telling sign.

3. She greets you with the awkward  “Heeeeeyyyyy….” then claims she is on her way somewhere, so she can’t talk long.

4. You haven’t had a second date or worse, you never got the first one. Think of it like baseball – three strikes and you’re out.

I’m sure the ladies can add another 100+ examples to this list, but I thought I would kickstart it. Simply put, it becomes annoyance once the woman is not interested. Men, relax a bit and play the field wisely. The thirst is real and women are not looking to be the quencher!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Too Eager to Please, 

Every woman is different, but we are all similar in the fact we do send subtle messages (and sometimes not so subtle messages) to let you know if you are doing too little or too much.

Here are a few common cues:

If she says she thinks you are better off friends, listen to her. She means it. At that point, you need not be persistent anymore, and if you are capable of being a friend do just that; if not- walk away. If she changes her mind she will then come to you.

Also, if your woman of interest has told you point blank she is not interested, you need to respect that. It does not mean she wants to be friends, it does not mean she is playing hard to get, it means SHE IS NOT INTERESTED.

If you are texting a woman and her responses are getting shorter and shorter, that means you are texting too much. It’s okay to engage in a text conversation, but you do not need to text someone you are just getting to know a million times a day. A short phone call (yes, that device you use to text actually has the ability to call people too!)  and between 1-2 text will do for the “getting to know you/I’m interested” phase.

Lastly, lay off of the “feelers”. If you want to say something to a woman, say it and own it. If you really want to pursue a woman don’t do the half joking half serious “dang girl you look good today” with a stupid smirk on your face approach. It’s annoying the first time, bad the second time and sad the third time. If you are just trying to be silly with a friend, it is totally fine, but if you want a real chance with a woman you do not know – that is probably the worst way to go about it. Have confidence, mention she looks great or beautiful and leave it there. That way it is not a feeler and you don’t appear to expect anything in return. You just wanted to tell her she looks great and move on with your day. It’s always better to be persistent in that way than to pester her into giving you a chance. No extras or jokes needed.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Garlic Breath

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I love to eat garlic and can’t seem to give it up no matter how hard I try. This wouldn’t be a problem if my new girlfriend wouldn’t complain about my breath so much. I try to kick the habit, but can’t seem to stop myself and I’m starting to notice I’m getting kisses less and less. What should I do?

A: Dear My Breath is Kicken,

Head to your local Target and pick up the following items: toothpaste, mouthwash, floss and a year supply of mints!

I’m all for some garlic myself – I literally season every piece of food I cook with garlic. But if that little bit of flavor is the reason your girl isn’t giving you kisses, it’s time to significantly curb your garlic intake. We aren’t talking cigarettes or alcohol – we are talking about some damn seasoning! If cutting it out your diet truly isn’t an option (I don’t blame you if you can’t because garlic really is on point), indulge in it when you’re certain the lady won’t be around for the day.

What’s my favorite word again? Sacrifice? Seems to be a recurring theme. Learn early good friend!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Garlic Breath is just a step above onion breath, 

I love garlic as much as the next person, it is hands down one of my favorite things to season my food with; however when your diet starts affecting your love life it is time to switch it up.

Anyone who has ever been in a relationships knows your partner is not going to have fresh breath all of the time. You have to deal with morning breath, nap breath, night time breath, hungry breath, and all kind of different smelling smells coming from the mouth. It is inevitable. (Sounds gross, but you know how it is. Don’t front)

Anywho, when your significant other expresses thier disdain for a not so natural odor coming from your mouth you have to find a way to accomodate that. Maybe on days when you know you won’t see her until later or at all you can indulge in garlic.

For example, I LOVE pico de gallo, but the way it taste and the way it smells on me are two different things. The first time Mr. J smelled it on me he was floored and not in a good way. Since then I have discovered the wonders of guacamole, similar taste and no negative effect on my breath. Problem solved. That doesn’t mean I can never have pico de gallo again, I have to pick and choose when I am going to eat it.

So for now, limit your garlic intake and go from there. And so you know utilizing a tongue scraper and a tooth brush wouldn’t hurt either.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Controlling Boyfriend

Q:Dear Love Jays, 

My boyfriend is very jealous and controlling. He gets mad when I spend time with my friends and he doesn’t want to let me spend time with my friends without him being there. I’ve told him how I feel about it and he pretty much made himself the victim and said that couples are supposed to do everything together. What do I do?

Dear My Boyfriend is Controlling,

Get.Out.Now!

Controlling and jealousy issues are more common than most people realize. These problems stem from a complete lack of self-esteem and lack of self-identity. He doesn’t like the person he is, so he has decided to make you just as miserable as him.

As stated so many times before, a relationship is a two-way street built on love, trust, friendship and sacrifice. It’s very clear your relationships is lacking the core values of a successful relationship, so why continue? You have to understand that YOU are the most important person in this life. YOU are strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving – the list goes on.

Any man controlling who his woman hangs out with or what she can do is the poorest excuse of a boyfriend and a man! A real man will put complete trust in his woman because he knows he is doing EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to make his home the happiest. An unhappy woman is an unhappy relationship.

He doesn’t deserve anything further in this relationship and I pray that you find the strength and courage to walk out the door. Do it for YOU!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Dear My boyfriend wants me all to himself, 

Unfortunately  ( and quite frankly fortunately) this issue has nothing to do with you, therefore you cannot fix it. You tried to reason with him and he made himself the victim. Victim mentality is just another form of manipulation. Another form of manipulation is isolation, he will make it so that there is nowhere for you to go. Your friends will eventually bounce because they won’t be able to hang out with you sans him and trust me they know why he is around even if you haven’t told them.

He has to deal with this one on his own, his control is stemming from some insecurity that he has. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM.

The good news is that you can see what he is doing, for that I applaud you. A lot if women find themselves in relationships similar to yours and cannot see what is wrong, they just know something is not right. You have pin pointed it, Kudos.

Relationships are about support, friendship, love, appreciation, and kindness. They are not about control, hovering, and manipulation. You may say “he is kind and loving”, but when he is also controlling and manipulative you may need to question how much of that is real. Most of all you should be happy if not all of the time, the majority of the time.

My best advice is to get out and get out now while you can see clearly. Make sure you are fully prepared when you go in for the break up though, he will either try and talk you back in to the relationship or he will act like it is completely ok for you to go. Just remember you know his true colors and you deserve better. You know it and believe me he does too.

Controlling men can be dangerous, it starts verbally and manifest into a physical thing 9 times out of 10. Spare yourself.

Love,

Miss J

For those of you reading this who feel you may be in a potentially unhealthy relationship check out the signs here.

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© LoveJays 2012

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Cheating Cheating Cheating

Q: Just for the sake of discussion, under what circumstances do you forgive your partner for cheating? For young couples. Not married or people with kids.

A: Dear When/If/How to forgive my cheating partner:

Cheating has to be the most sensitive and gender-divided question in the history of relationships. What constitutes cheating? Are there different levels of cheating? Why do people cheat? If you are currently in a relationship (one that spans beyond Facebook, Twitter and Emojicons), at least one of the above questions has been discussed, re-discussed and then discussed again.

The answer to your question differs from person-to-person and from relationship-to-relationship. I know people who have forgiven their significant other for “hitting a homerun” with another person, while I have also known people who have been kicked to the curb for a kiss. It truly depends on the relationship you have and the boundaries the two of you have set. I’m sure it’s safe to say cheating typically doesn’t result in the strengthening of a relationship, so you have to decide if you are comfortable knowing your significant other made a mistake. It is possible to move-on and continue the relationship, but understand it will be a looooooooong road to recovery. Some will take the journey; some won’t. Power and respect to those who overcome!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear hypothetically of course,

Oh cheating, my favorite subject…NOT. This is the type of question you need to ask your specific partner. For example, I have a very low tolerance for cheating. I made this clear to Mr. J from the beginning. The conversation went like this “Don’t cheat, I will leave.” Point, blank, period. I personally think the younger you are and the less invested you are in a person the more reason you have to pick up and leave. There are no children, no pets, no shared cars, and no mortgage. LEAVE.

Yes, we could argue that we are young and hormones are raging, but any way the cookie crumbles cheating takes time to do. People know when what they are doing is wrong. There is always a little voice in the back of their head saying “I don’t think my significant other will like this” whether they choose to listen to this or not is another story.Emotional cheating, same thing. Starts with text, then phone calls, then all the sudden you are hanging out, then you begin telling them things you don’t even open up about to your significant other about anymore and BOOM there you are emotionally cheating. Congratulations. The only form of cheating that i deem as forgivable is if someone kisses you unprovoked and you push them away immediately, having not kissed them back. Then again that really isn’t cheating.

With all that said, there are some women out there who say it depends on who with and why. My contention is if I am providing you with all you need and more as a girlfriend and you still feel the need to step out than I will no longer feel the need to continue our relationship. Your significant other deserves all of you and if they happen to not deserve all of you, go find another significant other.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012