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Fool Me Once

Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years. Unfortunately, I have experienced some heartbreak in the relationship as a result of some mistakes that he’s made. I’m with him, I forgave him. However, I’m having a little bit of a hard time with something else. Even though I forgave him I’m struggling with moving on from it. I’m in that place where my thought process is along the lines of “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”. I don’t want there to be a twice. I trust him, but I would also feel ridiculously stupid if it happened again. I guess my heart is on the fence with wanting to give over my trust (because I can) and then feeling like an idiot for giving it over the first time. Any advice for how to overcome that fear?

Dear Trust Dilemma,

Jumping right in.

What does your gut say? Does your gut say to give this man another chance. What has changed? Did he really learn from his mistake or is he an unchanged man? Sometimes people say they are sorry and beg for you to forgive them because they can’t stand the thought of a person they love being mad at them. They have no plans of fixing the real issue, just the issue that is affecting them in that very moment. In truth, you really should always forgive because people make mistakes but the rest has to be earned.

Let’s use cheating for example. Cheating takes time, there is no “I accidentally had sex with this person.” The real answer should be “I had sex with this person because I was not feeling attractive, and I liked that this person made me feel desired.” Of course no one wants to tell their partner that, but you get the picture. Well if the person who cheated is using the first excuse, the real problem will never be addressed and it will continue to be a problem. Trust has to start with the person who made the mistake. They have to trust their partner enough to tell them the truth and identify the reason why the mistake really occurred. All cards need to be out on the table and nothing should be hidden. Trust cannot be built on a foundation of lies and secrets.  It is then up to the unoffending significant other to decide whether or not to trust the person and even then, it’s going to take a while to rebuild that trust into something they can both be proud of.

The ball is in your court. Are all of the cards on the table? Can you really get over his mistakes? Do you trust that it won’t happen again? If the answer is “Yes, I trust him.” then you should have some evidence to support that decision. He’s more engaged, he’s made a real effort, he has been completely honest, he has been patient with my recovery, he is working on himself. Him bringing you flowers or saying sorry, but not really backing it up are merely a formality and a result of guilt. Just remember YOUR .TRUST. HAS. TO.BE. EARNED. If he has really earned it, trust yourself enough to let go of the fear and make the decision you feel is right.

Good Luck.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Don’t Fool Me Twice,

Every relationship experiences up and downs. There will be good days, some really good days, great days, average days, and of course — bad days. Despite how “together” a couple may appear on the surface, what truly defines the success of a relationship is how both parties respond when their backs are against the ropes.

You admitted your significant other has made mistakes in the past. These mistakes are now responsible for a shift in your relationship. Completely understandable. However, a relationship cannot go the distance when one of the parties has one foot in, one foot out. When his mistakes came to light, you had a choice: leave or work through the struggle. It may be difficult to pick the best option when our heart and emotions take over, but regardless if love or logic kept you from leaving, you committed to your relationship for some reason. What was that reason? Is the reason valid? Is the battle of forgiveness worth the reason?

You are struggling with moving past his mistakes because you haven’t come in agreement with yourself. Your heart may be saying one thing, but your friends and family may say another. Fortunately, the only person who knows the answer is you. Spend some time identifying the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. Decide if this relationship has the blueprint for a successful future. Diagnose the acceptable and unacceptable. Recognize your value. And most importantly: has he given you reason(s) to trust him again? The answer will become very clear when you take the appropriate steps towards solving the problem.

Love,

Mr. J

 

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Work Relationship Gone Too Far?

Dear Love Jays,

I was hoping to get your opinion on work friends of the opposite sex (of someone in a relationship) becoming friends outside of work or spending time together outside of work.

Dear Work Relationships,

So glad you asked this question! Work relationships are so unique and they often take on many different forms.

Sometimes a work friend is just a work friend, no more and no less. You talk to them while you are at work and all communication ends when you are at home/during the weekend/ on vacation. Other times you have a genuine connection and that work friend becomes a real friend. You can also have a work husband/wife/brother/sister, work mentor, after work happy hour buddy, company event buddy ect…

When work relationships take a turn into real friendship and it’s with the opposite sex, it’s important you significant other approves. Have them meet so they know who you are spending time with. If they are uncomfortable, it needs to be addressed. Your significant other will be able to sniff out your new work friend’s intent almost immediately. If they express to you they are suspicious of this person, you need to respect that. If you just have a jealous partner, that’s not a good enough reason. Sorry, it’s just not.

Side Note: On a personal note, when I first entered the working world I had to get used to the concept of having coffee and lunch with other men. It was weird at first. I assumed everyone was in some way attracted to me, and while it may have been true for some of the men, others were interested in networking.

Also, consider this. While in a relationship you should never hang out with a specific person (non-related) of the opposite sex one on one excessively. It’s a recipe for disaster. Even though I have a couple of male best friends, I would never hang out with them one on one every day. There is zero attraction on both ends, but it’s just a respect thing for Mr. J. That’s what he is there for. Significant others are a built-in best friend of the opposite sex.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

Dear Work Friends Becoming Real Friends,

The ultimate challenge in a relationship: determining which friends make the cut!

We can choose to believe that all of our friendships are healthy and supportive. Who wants to question rather or not the people around us our negatively influencing us or our relationship? Unfortunately, the older we become and grow within our personal relationship, some people simply no longer have the same place (or any place at all) in our lives.

And guess what?? That’s not a bad thing! We are continually growing as individuals; some for the worst, some for the best. Keep your circle positive!

When it comes to maintaining friendships with the opposite sex, exercise common sense. If you are sleeping with this person on the side or praying you someday will, it’s probably in your best interest to let that friendship fall by the wayside. I could care less if you met this person at work, school, the gym — all “new” friends should be introduced into your significant other’s life. I’m not saying the two of them need to become best friends, but they at least need to pass the smell test.

Cheers!

Mr. J

P.S. I low-key didn’t answer the question, but you can still catch my drift!

 

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Social Media Complications

Hey Love Fans,

We received two similar questions, so we decided to address them both at the same time.

Love,

J&J

Dear Love Jays,

1. What’s your opinion on social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc) and photo sending apps (like Snapchat or Wink!) in relationships?

2.Social media is causing a huge rift in my relationship!! What can I do??

Dear Social Media Problems,

Social media allows us to easily keep in touch with friends, express new ideas, share pictures and sometimes it even aids us in securing a job. When used responsibly, social media can be a great resource. Unfortunately, there are many people who use and abuse this resource and let social media invade rational thinking.

Side Note: Computer confidence is an epidemic. How many selfies have you seen in the past 24 hours? How many bold statuses have you read? How many debates have you witnessed? How many “inventive” hashtags have you read? Such a mess. Had to get that out, let’s get back on track!

When in a relationship the rule of thumb is this:

Do NOT do anything you wouldn’t do in person behind the protection of your computer or mobile device.

Really, that rule should be applied to everyone, relationship or not.

This means:

  1. If you and your significant other have a fight, you don’t need to send subliminal messages to everyone who follows you, letting them know just how upset you are. It’s a cry for attention and no one really cares in the way you want. Stop.
  2.  No flirting. It’s tacky and disrespectful.
  3. Don’t exchange private messages with someone you are attracted to or who is attracted to you. JUST DON’T. Even if you are just talking about apples and oranges. DON’T. If they message you and you just have to respond, respond publicly. For example, if someone messages you on Facebook saying, “I really miss you, you looked great last night.” You should respond on their wall saying something along the lines of “That’s great of you to say, hope all is well.” The person will/should get the hint. If they don’t, cease communication.
  4. No almost naked pics. Believe it or not, your grandchildren will have access to everything you post someday. Show some class, not your ass.
  5. BE RESPONSIBLE! You ultimately know what is and is not appropriate.

As long as both parties are following these guidelines, there is no reason why two people can’t enjoy social media while in a relationship. If a significant other is using social media the correct way and their partner still has a problem, then there may be another issue.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

Dear Social Media Effing Things Up,

Social media in relationships…where do we begin. I would love to say “exercise common sense”, but it seems like appropriate social media behavior isn’t very common.

I’m a social media junkie — Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn — you name it, I’m using it or have at least given it a try. The whole tech space is very interesting and the ability to connect with just about anyone is pretty damn awesome. While I would agree social media is a powerful connection tool, it is also a powerful destruction tool.

Social media gives us the complete freedom of talking to whomever, whenever, wherever INSTANTLY. And within this instants, we can spark up a conversation with that one person we shouldn’t be messaging or share pictures hoping no one screen shots their Snapchat. Why do we these things? Fun? Bored? Lonely? Validation? The list is endless. Regardless the reasons, social media shouldn’t end your relationships (unless of course the actions were extra reckless). If you have some concerns with your significant other’s social media behavior, it may be time for a little conversation.

But before you decide to open the floor for conversation — make sure your reasons are solid. If you snooped on their stuff and found something you didn’t like, that’s all on you.

Cheers!

Mr. J

 

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Battling Insecurities

Dear Love Jays,

I’m having a similar problem to one that was recently submitted about a controlling boyfriend. The difference? I’m the controlling one. :-/

I recognize the fault in myself; I know I can be overly controlling with my boyfriend, and I can tell that it stems from a major insecurity in myself. But I love this man very much and I definitely don’t enjoy being that way with him. I’d like to do anything I can not to be that way with him because I love him. I’m having a hard time with the how….. Any suggestions?!

Dear Insecurities Getting In The Way,

Let’s start this on a positive note — kudos for identifying the source of your controlling behavior. Insecurities haunt us all. Rich or poor, oversized or fit, black or white — none of us have it all together. Some do a better job of hiding it than others, but we already know the deal. Okay, tangent over.

Conquering our insecurities is a daily process that requires constant attention and effort. We do not have the luxury of turning off our insecurities, therefore, we cannot afford to ignore them and hope they magically go away. It’s easy to sit idle with this mindset because facing our insecurities is uncomfortable. Can you think of anything more dreadful than looking in the mirror and identifying all the things wrong with us? I didn’t think so. It’s awful, yet unbelievably necessary.

When we open ourselves to vulnerability and expose these shortcomings to our significant other, a powerful shift ignites within your relationship. The facade is stripped away. The makeup is washed off. The relationship transforms from “you vs. me” to “we”. As long as you allow the “you vs. me” to dominate the conversation, your relationship will never fully bloom.

It’s time to put on your favorite shoes and start walking down uncomfortable lane. 🙂

Love,

Mr. J

P.S. If your boyfriend fuels these insecurities, we have a whooooole different set of issues to discuss!

Dear Not In Control,

When we have the desire to control the uncontrollable, it is often the result of being unable to control ourselves. You are not addressing something and it is manifesting in an unhealthy way. The good news is you are on the right track. You have acknowledged your problem. Now you just need help with execution.

First, stop with trying to control your boyfriend. I know it’s hard, but if you don’t, the likelihood of him leaving you is high and completely warranted. Second, you need to identify what you are insecure about. You can do this by asking yourself these questions:

1. Are you afraid he is going to leave you? If so, why?

2. Has anything happened in the past within your current relationship that has added to your insecurities? If so, is it salvageable?

3. Has anything happened in a past relationship that is affecting how you react to your current partner?

4. What do you deserve and why do you feel you deserve it? Is this healthy?

5. At the root of it all, in its simplest form, what is your fear?

These questions are important and they need to be addressed immediately. You need to be completely honest with yourself. Once you do that, you just start chomping away at each problem you identified. It is also important to communicate with your boyfriend and let him know what you are trying to do. You’ll need his support and input if you really want to grow.

Loving someone is a risk. You risk loss, failure, loneliness and heartbreak. It takes a strong and secure person to love someone correctly. His life is not yours to control, but if you play your cards right, it could be yours to share.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

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Dating a Married Man

Dear Love Jays,

I’m seeing a married man. Even typing this I know how wrong it is and this will not end well but I can’t find it in me to stop seeing him. Yes he is married and has children, yes he is unhappy in his marriage, and yes he wants to leave. But I know he hasn’t left her yet and has a family to support, so what is wrong with me?

I haven’t had a relationship in years and it is the first time I have felt any type of love. This I know is part of my problem, wanting to be with someone but this obviously is not the right way to start a relationship. I don’t understand why I am doing something I know is totally wrong.

Advice?

 Dear Forbidden Love,

I cringed while reading this, not out of judgment, but because this is not something people talk about. I could easily dismiss you and call you a whore,bitch, Jezebel every name in the book; however I am pretty sure this happens more than people like to admit and I appreciate you coming forward to start the conversation.

I’m not going to bother telling you that you aren’t in love because there is no way I can know that for sure.

The Facts:

He’s married and you aren’t his wife. He has children and you aren’t their mother. You’re lonely and he’s willing to give you part-time love. He took a vow and you did not.

Here’s what you need to know:

He’s married and you are a secret. He is not going to show you off proudly, ever. Even if you end up together you will always be associated with failure. Let’s say he does in fact leave his wife. What is going to stop him from leaving you? If love, marriage, children and vows couldn’t hold him what makes you think his side chick can? (Sorry, just have to be honest)   Also, what about his children? Are you ready to face them if need be? What is your end game? This is not going to result  in a victory for you. You’ll either lose his heart or your soul.

The theme of your relationship will always be ALMOST. I almost trust him, I almost have him to myself, we almost have something worth bragging about, we almost made it, we are almost decent people, I almost respect myself, we almost did the right thing, he almost loves me the way I deserve to be loved, I am almost happy…almost.

You know what you are doing. No need to tell you that you are wrong because you already know, but I am going to say it anyway. You are wrong and what you are doing is not in any way okay. You think you are just lighting a match, but really you are setting a whole house on fire. He’s not the only one dishing out part time love, you are also loving yourself that way. I’m going to ask you to choose yourself, and no that doesn’t mean give into your lust, it means love yourself enough to walk away. Be worthy of deserving better.

Love,

Miss J

P.S. For those people out there who are having an affair with a married man/woman just for the sex.  THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER PEOPLE TO HAVE SEX WITH. No excuse. Do better!

Dear Playing With Fire,

Three words that shouldn’t be used to describe us — The Other Woman.

It’s one thing to date someone who is in a committed relationship (I’m in NO WAY supporting side chick efforts), but when the marriage line is crossed, you have entered some next level sh*t. When two people commit to each other, they are entering a contract (legal, spiritual, cultural, social) to support, respect, honor and love their significant other until the end of time. The vows people exchange are meant to be more than just words, but actions lived out every day. And within those vows, the fair majority of people agree to commit *monogamously to one another.

*Note: If you are not in a monogamous marriage, I’m happy for you and am not arguing in favor of one over another. To each his own.

I’m going to take a wild guess and say the man you are currently “seeing” committed to his wife monogamously, but has since shied away from the words he said on that “special” day. It’s not my place to speculate why or why not his marriage isn’t working. Everyone experiences their own struggles and has different ways of dealing with them. However, I will acknowledge that escaping his marital problems by “seeing” you only makes things ten times worse.

We live in an era of distraction. And unfortunately, you are his distraction.

Instead of looking in the mirror and holding himself accountable for his shortcomings, he has used you to keep his mind off the real problems. The love he is showing you may be something you haven’t experienced before, but are you worth 2nd place love? Listen to your conscience — I’m sure it’s the reason you submitted this question.

Love,

Mr. J

 

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Release and Reinvent: Letting Go Of Your Past To Create A Better Future

Father’s Day is a time for families to celebrate the important role fathers play in their lives. But for some, the holiday is a painful reminder of a relationship underdeveloped, derailed, or dismissed.

Miss J and I have been fortunate to have our fathers in our lives since birth. When we received the below question, we knew it was time to take a step back and allow someone else to share their experience.

Please welcome, Miss M.

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Kind of ironic with Father’s Day just passing but here it goes. I have always had a pretty rough relationship with my dad and it has started to show in my relationship with my significant other. Whether it’s my insecurities and what-not, or his similarities to my dad, I see more and more problems stem from my relationship with my dad. Any advice?

A: Dear Deterring Dating Dilemma,

First and foremost, I’d like to acknowledge you (and please acknowledge yourself as well!) for recognizing the effect your relationship with your Dad is playing in your relationship with your significant other. As someone who has experienced this before, I understand that is not an easy thing to recognize or admit. Seeing it and wanting the change is the first step to a positive breakthrough!

Your question really resonated with me because, similarly, I had a rough relationship with my Dad growing up. It was not until recently that I released all past resentment and got complete with my father. But the road to forgiveness was not easy. I battled with insecurities, resentment, and abandonment issues for years and I wasn’t always aware of them. It filtered into every aspect of my life; romantic relationships, family relationships, and occasionally friendships. In some areas it was more severe than others (i.e., family & love), but it affected all aspects of my life nonetheless. In retrospect, I realized the relationship that suffered the most was my relationship with myself. I had not always realized it, but because of the negative feelings I was harboring for my father, it changed the way I viewed myself. It affected who I was being in the world, and who I was being for the ones who shared my world with me.

One of the best things that you can do for people in your life is to love and accept them for who they are and not expect them to change. It was impossible for me to love others wholly when I was not whole and complete. I knew in order for things to change, I had to change. Which also meant I had to change the way I viewed my past with my father, and the role I was letting my past play in my present. My breakthrough and steps to healing occurred during a weekend at a personal development seminar. It was revealed to me that I had a lot of “blind spots” holding me back in life. One of the biggest blind spots — my relationship with my father! It was that weekend when I REALLY realized what a significant role my estranged relationship with my Dad played in all aspects of my life.

I knew in order for things to change, I was going to have to forgive my father and let the past be the past. This was not easy to accept at first because in my mind he didn’t deserve to be forgiven. But I had to get clear on the fact forgiveness is not always for the other person, forgiveness is often for yourself. Freeing yourself of that anger brings you peace no matter the cirumstance.

The quote by Gautama Buddha, “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”, held more truth to me than ever during this time.

The advice I want to give to you: forgive your father and free yourself from the past. Only then will you see a shift in your entire life.

Now, you may be saying “Well, how?” or even “Over my dead body! That ain’t happening!” (I was there at one point ,haha!). Or you may be open to the idea, but not sure where to start the process. Whatever space you’re in is perfect because these things don’t happen overnight, and everyone’s journey is different. But here are some nuggets that I used that may help you put things into perspective…

1.) Nothing that your father did had anything to do with you.

Many people who go through rough relationships with a parent(s), myself included, and assign meaning to the actions or absence of that parent(s). “My father left because he didn’t love me”, “My Mom gave me up for adoption because I wasn’t good enough“, etc. These feelings are not wrong. They are natural emotions in response to not feeling loved, but please get very clear on the fact that these feelings are not fact! They are the conclusion we draw to what took place. People make mistakes in life. Sometimes these mistakes are selfish, crucial, or life changing; mistakes that do not only affect them, but an entire group of people. These mistakes are made due to an internal battle the person is fighting and is not a reflection on those whom were affected.

After I decided to forgive my Dad, I mustered up the courage to call him on the phone.

We hadn’t spoken in six years.

I had to get his number from another family member, and as his phone rang, I swore I was going to throw up! As soon as he answered and realized it was me, he instantly started crying. Before I knew it, we were both crying. We had a heart to heart and I was very candid with him on the role that his actions and absence played in my life. I know it was not easy for him to hear, but he made sure to let me know nothing he did was my fault. I made sure to let him know I was no longer holding onto any of it. I realized my decisions were up to me no matter what he did in the past. He was going through a crisis in his own life and made a series of bad choices because of it. Our conversation ended well, and I got off the phone knowing I was loved…something that I had never felt from him before.

2.) Find a way to get complete with your father through communicating with him.

I know this step may take some time and it will never be easy or feel comfortable. As I stated before, calling my father was the most nerve wrecking experience ever! But it’s worth it. If your father is still alive, I encourage you to meet with him in a place where you would feel comfortable or call him on the phone. If your father is deceased, or it’s truly impossible to get in contact with him, write a letter to him as if you were speaking to him directly. Take this as an opportunity to express how you feel, while still taking responsibility for your own life. Acknowledge where you’re at right now. As tempting as it may be, do not use this opportunity to dump on him or tell him what a horrible person you think he is. This communication is for you both to have an open and honest conversation with each other, and for you to be the bigger person and create a space for a new type relationship with your father.

This does not mean you have to start being super close to him (unless you want to) nor does it mean he has to be your new BFF. This is simply opening a space to start fresh and get to know each other free of the past. No longer child to father, but adult to adult. Accepting his flaws and all.

Most importantly, do not be attached to the outcome of this situation. If your father responds positively, amazing. If not, it still has nothing to do with you. Let him know he’s forgiven and that you’re releasing the resentment. If he’s ever open to the possibility of a new relationship, you’re open to it. Either way, take comfort in knowing you completed the necessary steps to become whole. Leave feeling great and remember forgiveness is for YOU!

3.) Take responsibility for your life.

Anything in your life is up to you, my friend. Your past does not have to dictate your present or your future. Now that you’ve recognized where you’re struggling, take the steps necessary to fix it. You have the power to change things for yourself.

As Eric Thomas always says, “Make the rest of your life, the BEST of your life!”

Once you begin to apply these things to your life, you will see and feel a complete shift in your relationships and the way you relate to other people. This life is beautiful. Embrace your future and free yourself of your past.

 “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference” – The Serenity Prayer

 Xoxo,

M

© LoveJays 2013