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Did You Lose Your Manners When You Purchased Your iPhone?

It’s 2012 and technology is leading the charge on how we communicate! Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, G-Chat, iChat, BBM, Kik Messenger, Viddy, Ustream, Skype, FaceTime, Text Messaging…the list is endless. Let’s jump back just 10 years ago: how many of these communication mediums existed? If you didn’t have AIM and I didn’t have your house number, (YES, back in 2002 we actually had to call a girl’s house if we wanted to speak with her) it was virtually impossible to get in contact with a friend.

Side bar: wouldn’t it be nice if we could go back to the days when it was slightly challenging to get in contact with someone? Don’t get me wrong, I am an avid social media user who always has my iPhone in my left pocket, but it would be phenomenal if I had the option to unplug from the world.

Yesterday, I was at a rooftop bar in Manhattan with Miss J and two other lady friends sipping on a beer and enjoying the sunset over the Hudson River. The conversation was pretty lighthearted until one of the ladies brought up an interesting point. She began to express her extreme frustration with men using text messaging as their primary means of communicating with her. She continued on in frustration and suggested men who are interested in getting to know her should try picking up the phone, dial her number (scroll through your contacts and click the name) and initiate a verbal conversation.

Definition of verbal conversation: when two or more people engage in the sharing of information, thoughts, ideas, etc. through a handheld portable computing device most commonly understood as an iPhone, BlackBerry, Android or similar device (Dictionary.com/Mr J’s creativity).

The sentiment was shared amongst all three ladies and I started to ponder this question: Has technology (primarily texting, BBMing and emoji-ing) caused more harm than good in the wonderful world of dating?

Texting has become the primary mode of communication for young people (16-25 years of age) through its relative quick, easy and convenient functions. On the flip side, it’s very difficult to express genuine emotion via text messaging and requires us to pay little attention to the receiver on the other end.

And this is where the problem arouses – attention. Attention and women go hand-in-hand. If you want to keep a woman in your life, I suggest finding every way possible to balance the attention you focus on her, yourself and everyone else. It may seem crazy, but I’m giving you something most men learn the hard way.

What does all this have to do with text messaging? Everything! Women want to feel appreciated. Simply grabbing the phone and putting your thumbs to work requires little effort; it can happen anytime and anywhere (if you have Verizon). Calling someone requires you to stop what you are doing and engage in a healthy conversation. It takes effort; not much effort, but enough effort to make the woman realize that you are interested and care about what she has on her mind. Give her that outlet. Be the guy who everyone says to themselves, “How in the hell did he get her?!” Next time you go on a date with a woman, give her call and explain how much you enjoyed the night together. A simple two-minute conversation could be all the difference in the world.

Technology may have changed. Women have not. Give your thumbs a break and use those manners yo’ momma taught you! A good woman is awaiting.

Happy Dating!

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2012

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Controlling Boyfriend

Q:Dear Love Jays, 

My boyfriend is very jealous and controlling. He gets mad when I spend time with my friends and he doesn’t want to let me spend time with my friends without him being there. I’ve told him how I feel about it and he pretty much made himself the victim and said that couples are supposed to do everything together. What do I do?

Dear My Boyfriend is Controlling,

Get.Out.Now!

Controlling and jealousy issues are more common than most people realize. These problems stem from a complete lack of self-esteem and lack of self-identity. He doesn’t like the person he is, so he has decided to make you just as miserable as him.

As stated so many times before, a relationship is a two-way street built on love, trust, friendship and sacrifice. It’s very clear your relationships is lacking the core values of a successful relationship, so why continue? You have to understand that YOU are the most important person in this life. YOU are strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving – the list goes on.

Any man controlling who his woman hangs out with or what she can do is the poorest excuse of a boyfriend and a man! A real man will put complete trust in his woman because he knows he is doing EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to make his home the happiest. An unhappy woman is an unhappy relationship.

He doesn’t deserve anything further in this relationship and I pray that you find the strength and courage to walk out the door. Do it for YOU!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Dear My boyfriend wants me all to himself, 

Unfortunately  ( and quite frankly fortunately) this issue has nothing to do with you, therefore you cannot fix it. You tried to reason with him and he made himself the victim. Victim mentality is just another form of manipulation. Another form of manipulation is isolation, he will make it so that there is nowhere for you to go. Your friends will eventually bounce because they won’t be able to hang out with you sans him and trust me they know why he is around even if you haven’t told them.

He has to deal with this one on his own, his control is stemming from some insecurity that he has. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM.

The good news is that you can see what he is doing, for that I applaud you. A lot if women find themselves in relationships similar to yours and cannot see what is wrong, they just know something is not right. You have pin pointed it, Kudos.

Relationships are about support, friendship, love, appreciation, and kindness. They are not about control, hovering, and manipulation. You may say “he is kind and loving”, but when he is also controlling and manipulative you may need to question how much of that is real. Most of all you should be happy if not all of the time, the majority of the time.

My best advice is to get out and get out now while you can see clearly. Make sure you are fully prepared when you go in for the break up though, he will either try and talk you back in to the relationship or he will act like it is completely ok for you to go. Just remember you know his true colors and you deserve better. You know it and believe me he does too.

Controlling men can be dangerous, it starts verbally and manifest into a physical thing 9 times out of 10. Spare yourself.

Love,

Miss J

For those of you reading this who feel you may be in a potentially unhealthy relationship check out the signs here.

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© LoveJays 2012

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More than a Best Friend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have a question. I met this girl about 4 years ago and right when I met her we hit it off. Over the past 4 years she’s been my closest friend and she’s always been the realest person I’ve ever known. We’ve been best friends but now we are starting to fall for each other. We’ve always kinda had a thing but never acknowledged it until now. We both want to start a relationship but were afraid of the risk of losing each other. Any advice?

Dear I Like my Best Friend,

It’s not everyday people get the opportunity to fall in love with a person who is their best friend – someone who truly understands and appreciates them. Over the past 4 years, you have had a woman who has most likely celebrated with you during your highs and comforted you during your lows. You have complimented her rather easily in your question and admitted to both liking each other, so….what are you waiting for?

A successful relationship is built upon a strong and loving friendship. It’s impossible to date someone, let alone love someone, who is not your friend. You have been “dating” for the past four years and just haven’t admitted it! Miss J is my best friend and the love of my life – the perfect combination!

As for losing each other, leave that excuse at the door. You like her. She likes you. 1+1=2. Pick up the phone and ask her on the date. The rest will be history!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear The Plot of Love and Basketball,

If the feelings are truly mutual I say go for it! When you begin dating someone they also become your best friend, you are two steps ahead of the game. Have a conversation and talk about what you both expect out of a relationship because the transition from friend to boyfriend will be a little different.

In the case of a break up would it be hard to salvage what you have now? Possibly…chances are if you have always had some type of “feelings” for one another you were never “just” best friends. You have been close for years and you feel strongly about one another. You have essentially been “talking” to someone for an extended amount of time and recently had an aha moment. That is ok! The worst thing to do would be to wait it out and miss your opportunity.

On the other hand, if you feel you are not in a good state mentally to be in a relationship or vice versa, hold off! But if you are ready to love and be loved as Nike’s slogan says “Just do it”! 

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Clutter Clutter Clutter

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend recently moved in, along with all of his sports memorabilia. Our place is small! I really don’t see where a lot of it could fit without everything looking cluttered. I really want him to feel at home. How do you guys suggest I make him feel like his stuff matters while not completely letting his stuff take over?

A: Dear Happy Medium,

“My boyfriend recently moved in…”Let’s stop there. He moved into YOUR place, brought his belongings and you don’t know what to do? Ha! Pick up the phone and dial 1-800-STORAGE!

It’s your home! You picked it out, you decorated it and you have lived there for X amount of time prior to your boyfriend moving in. If he has any sense, he should understand not every piece of his sports memorabilia can be hung throughout YOUR (now our) house. Make it easy – clear up some wall space in the house and allow him to pick his favorite pieces to hang up in the house. What doesn’t fit goes into storage!

Be sure to indicate that you have removed some of your pieces from the wall, so he is completely aware that both of you are making a sacrifice. If he gives you a hard time, pull the “this is my place” card and I’m sure that will shut him up. Happy home decorating!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Hot Mess,

Yes you need him to feel at home, but you need to feel at home too. You said your place is small, which means you could potentially end up with a man cave-esk functshway.

My question to you is how attached to all of the sports memorabilia is he? And how attached are you to what you have? Maybe you guys can both purge your individual items and have a garage sale. Afterwards go get some mutual decor that you both like with the money you make. When you move in together you begin a new chapter, why not start the new chapter with new things.

If you both are not willing to get rid of things my advice would be to pick a room or space designated for his sports memorabilia, have an area designated for your artwork or whatever you want to hang and then have a space where you pick things out together. You essentially need to have themed rooms. Box the things up that do not fit and save them for when you have a bigger space. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Vacation!!

Hello Love Fans!

We are on Vacation this week and due to limited internet access we will not be able to post your questions until Tuesday, August 14. Sorry for any inconvenience and we will talk to you soon!

Love,

J&J

“Faith makes all things possible… love makes all things easy.” – Dwight L. Moody

© LoveJays 2012

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Family Ties

Q: Dear Love Jays:

Does a relationship stand a chance if you don’t get along with each others families?

A: Dear I Love Him, But His Family…,

If he is close with his family and she is close with her family, yet one of them does not get along with the other’s family – the relationship doesn’t stand a fighting chance. Period.

We are who we are because of our family – literally (genes, characteristic traits, beliefs, etc). We are consistently influenced by our family. Family is everything.  It’s vital in any successful relationship for each party to develop a healthy relationship with each other’s family. The two parties do not have to become best of friends with the parents of the significant other, but a level of respect and enjoyment is essential. Why would you want to date someone who didn’t like your parents or vice versa? It’s highly unlikely for a family to dislike your significant other “just because”. It’s something to seriously consider and I encourage all couples to be very careful in taking your relationship to the next level if family issues are present.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Probably not,

Is it possible…yes, but is it probable…no.

I would say if your significant other is not close with their family then you might be able to make it work. You don’t like them but hey who cares because your partner doesn’t either. But be weary, you should always question why the person you want to be close to is not close to the people who should be closest to them. What has effect has it had on their character? There are some cases in which it is necessary to stay at arms length from your family (abuse, secrets, betrayal ect…).

I am sure you have heard the expression “When you marry someone you marry their family”. If you are dating someone and you are thinking of marriage but you cannot stand their family, I suggest you start trying to build a relationship with them. If things happened in the past that you are not proud of own up to it and let them know you are serious about your partner and you would really like to develop a fresh, new, and healthy relationship with them.

If the family has done dirt to you forgive them and move on. If they continue to “act up” have a discussion with your significant other and express that you want to develop a solid relationship  with them. You don’t have to besties, but there should be a mutual respect on both ends.

Do not get it twisted.9 times out of 10 if your girlfriend/boyfriend is super close with his/her family and you come in raising hell because you don’t get along with/like them someone is going to have to go and it is not going to be the family; but don’t fret, chances are if you didn’t like your partner’s family you probably would have eventually not liked them.The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012