Author: Love Jays

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Over a year ago my boyfriend was doubting his commitment to our relationship and he briefly broke up with me (for about a month and a half) before realizing he’d made a mistake and reconciling. Things are great between us, and he is more committed than ever and we talk a lot about our future. While I do not hold any anger or sad feelings towards this part of our past, sometimes I find it hard to let go of the fact that he jumped ship because it makes me worry that he could do this again during some midlife crisis or something. I know a lot of relationships go through a break like we had.What do you guys think about this? Should I not worry because he got it out of his system?

A: Haunted by the Past,

You said it yourself “he is more committed than ever” , hold on to that. Breakups not only break the romantic relationship between two people, they also break trust as well.

I remember when Mr. J and I resumed our relationship after our break, I was on high alert. I wanted to believe everything he was saying, but I also felt that I ought to have learned from the past. It was then I noticed something, his actions actually backed up his words!

What you are experiencing is the rebuilding of your trust and lucky for you, he is aiding in that by proving to you he is trustworthy. If he hadn’t gotten it out of his system you would know. People can only hide what they are feeling inside for so long before it starts to seep from beneath the veil. You are more apt to notice if anything is off now, more so than last time because you are on guard. If your spidey sense is not setting off alarms, let it go. Do not even bother stressing about the future, he may have a midlife crisis or he may not; but who is to say how he will handle it when or if it comes. Appreciate the effort he is putting in now and just enjoy your relationship.

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Jumping Ship,

Many successful, life-long relationships experience a breakup along the way. Experiencing a breakup is never fun or easy, but it allows both parties to evaluate the relationship from a clearer lens and commit time to trying new things – going on dates, spending quality alone time, meeting new people, etc. This behavior should never be looked at as negative because some people truly may need some time to analyze if they want to remain on the path their relationship is leading them on.

I speak from 100% personal experience. As I have stated in previous posts, Miss J and I broke up for 2 months because our relationship had reached a stalemate. Both of us were unhappy and frustrated. The breakup allowed us to examine the good/bad parts of the relationship, focus on personal changes that needed to be made, go on dates with other people, and ultimately, discover the importance of happiness. The experience created a 360 degree shift in our relationship and has taken our lives to a different level.

Worrying if he is going to “jump ship” again adds zero positivity to your relationship and stymies the relationship from developing. The breakup clearly made a change in your boyfriend and added value to the future of your relationship, so why get hung up on it? Compare it to driving – It’s impossible to be a good driver if you only look through the rear-view mirror. The mirror is there to give you a reminder of what’s behind you, but focusing on what’s back there will not help you arrive at your destination. He is proving daily that he is committed to you and your future, so embrace it! Live in the moment and stop letting the future prevent you from enjoying today.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2012

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I met a man when I was 16. It was pure infatuation. Where I was from, if your man wasn’t a drug dealer, gangster, or didn’t just get off “the yard” he wasn’t jack diddly squat. I loved how big and “tough” he was and damnit, wasn’t hard on the eyes either! Fast forward a couple months, with my teenage self seduces him and then, we start dating. I remember the first time he hit me, it was because I was texting a male friend of mine. Nothing serious. Fast forward a few years, not only did he bestow me with 2 black eyes, and and a broken nose for valentines day, but he had a “girl on the side” while I was pregnant with our first. And oh, there’s a lot more stories I could share, (getting head butted while holding our child), but I think you get the basic ideal.

As a result, I find myself being stone-hearted, untrusting and alone. I try to get into relationships, but they last no longer than 3 months because I’m skeptical and don’t think it’s going to work out. He’s gonna cheat. He’s gonna hit me. He’s gonna be broke and not contribute.

What do y’all think? Is there hope for me? Also, do u think there’s a time limit on when a man should be allowed to come around your child?

A: Dear A Valentine’s Day to Forget,

I would like to honor you for finding the strength and courage to escape such a horrific relationship. You are a walking example for thousands of women who are trapped in similar situations, yet cannot find the courage to walk away. You have overcome the hardest challenge – and for that I respect you beyond words. You were created in the image of God and He embodies all that is beautiful and you deserve NOTHING less!

Your way of thinking towards men has been shaped by the unfortunate realities you have experienced in the past. The progression to overcoming this way of thinking will be continuous and difficult; however, it begins when you understand the importance of YOU. When was the last time you looked in the mirror and loved the reflection staring back at you? I don’t mean the physical reflection either – I’m speaking about the soul.

Our soul is the true holder of our happiness and self-worth; when we take the time to feed our soul with self directed love, value, appreciation and happiness, we realize that “I” is all we truly need in this lifetime. The hope you are asking about is already here – it’s just waiting for you to identify the love for yourself, first.

When is it a good time to bring a man around your child? Not sure. I would encourage you to develop a good understanding and relationship with the man. If he doesn’t have the ingredients of becoming a life-long partner, he has no reason to know your child. Protect your child’s innocence and be everything your child needs – a loving and caring mother.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I’m just glad you left, 

Although it is unfortunate you experienced such a hostile relationship, I am glad to hear you had the strength to leave. Good for you.

In regards to your question, yes I do believe there is still hope for you.

The fact you can identify why you have difficulty making things last speaks volumes. Now you just need to identify why you still think the way you do.  Have you really healed? If not, what are some steps you can take in working  towards that. Therapy, support groups, writing, etc. When we are healthy mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, we put our best foot forward and maintain that health. When we are broken or unhealthy, in anyway, we over compensate for what is lacking.

In your case, you are lacking trust and understandably so. You had a traumatizing relationship that was void of any real trust and respect at a very young age. Accept that as knowledge, not as a burden you must permanently bare. What did you learn from that experience? What are some character flaws and personality traits you saw early on in your ex that when amplified turned into abuse? Did you find any of those characteristics charming, sexy, or attractive in any way?

You are a survivor, you are strong, and whether you know it or not, you know better. You know the signs. Trust in yourself first. By trust in yourself I don’t mean “I’m going to do me and build this giant wall so no one can ever hurt me again”; I mean trust in yourself in a way that allows you to be happy and healthy on your own. Also, respect yourself in a way that any man who comes along would have no choice but to treat you like the queen you are. Anyone who truly respects you would not think of abusing your trust, body or spirit.

Lastly, I cannot speak about children and dating from personal experience. Personally, I think it would be best to hold off introducing your child to a man until you both decide it is serious. If you are just casually dating and getting to know people there is no need to bring your child into the mix. I don’t think it should be based on the amount of time spent with a person as much as it should rely on the level of commitment between the two of you.

Best of Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012