Q: Dear Love Jays,
My boyfriend and I are constantly arguing, literally about everything. Daily. And we can’t figure out why. Even our good days end in arguments. Any advice?
A: Dear What’s Goin’ On?
Jumping straight in…
Mr. J and I bicker a lot, like an old married couple. That’s just how we get down. A little tiff here and there is normal and healthy. When we start arguing the source is typically bigger than what we are actually arguing about. Sometimes the real issue is something going on in our relationship that needs to be adjusted and other times it is an external factor that neither of us has control over.
My advice is to sit down with your boyfriend and try to identify where the real problem lies, work it out together. It can be anything from a problem at work to someone smacking their gum all day every day and it’s really getting under the other person’s skin. The reason why you are still arguing, even after a good day, is because the real issue has not been resolved.
Once you identify what’s wrong, come up with a strategy on how you guys are going to tackle the speed bump. Problem solving together will give you guys the opportunity to unite with a positive, common goal.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
Dear Non-Stop Arguing,
I’ve always emphasized the importance of communication within in a relationship, but battling in a war of words isn’t quite what I was envisioning. Arguing typically results from bottled up frustration (work, school, the relationship) and usually makes the situation worse, leaving both parties more upset without resolution.
The best practice in discovering the source of these arguments begins by examining our internalized feelings. What experiences have occurred over the past few months that you may not have acknowledged or handled correctly? Are you spending too much time together? Have your feelings for your significant other changed? Is your relationship lacking in a particular area? All of these questions require us to break down our facades and search for the reason(s) behind our frustration.
Miss J and I have worked diligently at keeping arguments at a minimum. When we feel a conversation escalating, one of us will typically leave the conversation and take a few minutes to collect our thoughts; approaching the situation with controlled emotions often results in a better outcome. Does this mean we always handle our emotions correctly and never argue? Absolutely not. But just like anything, the more you work at things, the better equipped you are to deal with it.
Love,
Mr. J
© LoveJays 2013