Q: Dear Love Jays,
Can I trust a partner who stepped out on me in an unofficial relationship and lied about it , when now we are together but she’s going back to same area for 7 months where she cheated/stepped out in the first place?
A: Dear Still Steppin’,
Stepped out in an unofficial relationship? Sounds like a slight oxymoron. I’m not trying to sound crass, but if the relationship was unofficial, what rules are expected to be followed?
Recently, Miss J and I have been hearing about more and more people bypassing “titles” in their relationships and operating in a “let’s just see how this goes” type fashion. I’m all for people composing the music to their own relationship, yet there comes a climax point when one of the parties is looking to move from a temp to a full-time employee. How much we may dislike it, there is a reason why structure, organization, and rules exist.
As for trusting a partner who continually revisits the place where she got caught up at…I’d scratch my head a few times. Does she have to visit this place on a continual basis (i.e home, school, work) or is this somewhere she goes just because? As we suggest in all of our writings, if her actions are truly bothering you and causing you to lose trust within the relationship, you must communicate those feelings. If she isn’t interested in having a conversation, your suspicions may be confirmed.
Love,
Mr. J
A: Dear It’s All About Trust,
I don’t know, can you? What does your gut say?
You said you were in an unofficial relationship, so technically she did not cheat. If anyone hates to say that, I do, but facts are facts. There’s no such thing as kind of committed. You either are or you aren’t.
Also, where did she “cheat”? If it’s a location she can’t help but frequent (i.e. work, parent’s neighborhood, school ect…) then you have to let bygones be bygones. If it’s somewhere she can help going (i.e. the club, local bar, random dudes house ect…) then you need to have a serious conversation.
A healthy relationship cannot exist without trust. If you are not willing to trust your partner, you should reconsider being in a relationship with them.
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2013
The unofficial rule needs to be spoken, I suppose I am confused as to how this is cheating. If the communication hasn’t been stated to you that she just wants her freedom and you to, then you need to decide this for yourself. This choice is neither simple nor complex it is unspoken. The simple question is are we going to see other people or do you want something exclusive? If this is not said then expect more of the same. If you are seeking companionship of this kind you will know to go elsewhere for this person is neither interested nor expecting to hurt anyone with their actions, namely you. Yes it is going to give you pain that you didn’t want if she states this is not what she is wanting is monogamy, yet it will take the guess work out. To be hurt my friend requires you to heal, to place yourself in arms way again is to ask the question that will allow you the experience of no more pain. If you feel you deserve the treatment or are stepping out yourself and she feels it would be the only explanation that can be in place from this if she confesses that she wants to be with you. Expect the truth and be in truth and what you want will find you. I love these responses that they both said but I felt that this needs to come to you as well. 🙂