How to Make Friends When You are in a Relationship

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do couples make new friends? What is the appropriate way to make a friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship?

A: Dear I Want Friends Too,

This is a great question!

Finding friends on your own is hard enough. There are so many people in this world, which often results in varying degrees of acquaintances and very few friends.

As a couple, this processes becomes even more difficult. Naturally, the friends you have before your relationship will carry over, unless a particular friend has been more than a friend and your significant other is uncomfortable with your relationship. Couples often like to find other friends who are couples. The challenge with having couple friends is that all four of you have to have some common ground. The easiest way to “meet” couple friends is to start with the people you already know. Maybe someone who has been a close acquaintance has a boyfriend as well. Seize the opportunity and set up a double date. You may find your acquaintance and their significant other are more friend material than you once thought.

*Side Note: If you and your best friend have a significant other  at the same time it is okay if you guys are not  “best couple friends”. As I said before, getting four people with different personalities to actually enjoy each other’s company can prove to be a challenge. Don’t fret, you guys are still best “just us” friends.

The really hard part about making new friends while in a relationship is when each party makes a separate friend. If that friend is of the same sex or should I say, the sex that the person is not attracted to, no problem; however, if that person is of the opposite sex or whatever sex they are attracted to, there can be a little bit of tension.

You should always, and I mean ALWAYS, introduce your significant other to your friends that you hang out with on a one-on-one basis or within an intimate group setting. It is not a requirement, but it would be wise of you to follow this guideline. When you are in a partnership, you want to know who your significant other is spending time with. Girl or boy, it’s normal. Especially when they keep bringing that person up; your natural inclination is to want to put a face to the name. When your significant other meets a new friend of yours, it allows them to witness the friendship on their own without having to figure out how to ask you questions they feel uncomfortable asking or developing unnecessary insecurities. Just introduce them.

Now onto the part about friends the opposite sex…

For friendships you had prior to your relationship:

1. If they are attracted to you in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
2. If you are attracted to them in any way, you probably should not be hanging out with them.
3. If they are disrespectful towards your relationship and/or your significant other, you probably should not be hanging out with them.

For new friendships with the opposite sex:

• Make sure your significant other is comfortable with the friendship.
• Refer to rules 1-3 of “friendships you had prior to your relationship”

The rest of the details can be worked out with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Friendships in Relationships,

Friendships are an essential part of everyone’s life. School, work, parties, networking mixers – we often find ourselves seeking out others who have similar interests. The vast majority of these people often get grouped as acquaintances, yet there are a select few who we actually consider friends. And no, I’m not talking about Facebook friends. I’m referring to the people we actually speak with on the telephone and genuinely care about their well-being, hobbies, personal life, family, etc. You get the gist.

Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I’m very outgoing and social. I’m the guy who sparks up a conversation with just about anyone who is willing to talk. Literally. Grocery store, restaurant, sporting event, bar/lounge…pick a spot and the chances are very high I will engage in at least one conversation with a stranger.

Sidebar: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the whole “never talk to strangers” lesson. Grant it, the statement is directed toward children, but the way some people act when you try to say hello, you would think it still applies for fully functioning adults.

These interactions typically don’t amount to much of anything, but there have been a few occasions when the person (almost always a woman) I’m speaking with fully engages in the subject matter. What’s typically a 30-second exchange has now turned into a 15-minute conversation mixed with good dialogue and laughter. We continue talking until one of us has that “we’ve been talking for a minute” moment, tell each other to have a good day/night, then drop the “it was good talking to you, too” comment before walking away.

What’s the point of I’m trying to make? Out of respect for my relationship, I was perfectly content with the conversation and didn’t feel the need to “make a new a friend”. I accepted it for what it really was – a good conversation with what seemed to be a good person. I’m sure if we hung out a few more times and got to know each other better, we could be friends…but is it necessary?

I have yet to find the rulebook detailing the right or wrong way to make new friends while in a relationship. At the end of the day, it boils down to respect. Despite our best efforts, we typically know how to exercise good judgment. How you meet someone and where you meet them will definitely play a role in deciding if this is a friendship worth developing.

Miss J and I have formed new friendships, some of the opposite sex, upon leaving college (where 90% of our friends were mutual), yet none have caused any issues within our relationship. We were very open in communicating who these people were and left the element of surprise out of the equation.

If you are actively looking to form new friendships while in a relationship, I recommend seeking out people who share common ground. I love my single friends, but sometimes I just can’t do all the things my single friends do. Regardless of your mix of friends, it’s imperative to have friends who respect and support your relationship.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 

© LoveJays 2013