Q: Dear Love Jays,
I wanted some advice on how to deal with a close friend and her boyfriend. The guy she is in a relationship in my opinion is a terrible influence on my friend. They have broken up in the past and during their break, all of our friends shared with her their real feelings on him. Instead of us being sad for her during the split we were all so excited because no one likes him. They ended up getting back together and since then I never like asking about her boyfriend because I have nothing nice to say about him. I feel like he is a loser and she is lowering her standards for him, hoping she can change him. She seems to really like him and I don’t want to constantly disapprove, so I say nothing at all. I want her to be happy but is it okay to just sit idly by and say nothing and let it run its course?
A: Dear Do you Have to Date Him,
As hard as it may seem,yes, you have to say and do nothing. It’s really hard to watch the people you love make bad decisions.As long as she is not being abused and there are no signs of abuse in the future, you pretty much just have to sit and watch. If she asks for your advice/opinion then you are free to share. If she just needs to vent and does not want your two cents then keep your mouth shut. Easier said than done (I am still learning this).
I want to draw you attention to some things you wrote.You said, “In my opinion [he] is a terrible influence on my friend” and “I think he is a loser”. Notice you did not write, “In HER opinion…” and “SHE thinks he is a loser”. Unfortunately, what you think is irrelevant unless prompted by your friend.
My mother always taught me when it comes to a friend and her man you have to tread carefully. Women are automatically defensive when it comes to matters of the heart, if your friend is keeping this man around chances are she has made a place for him in her heart. Her heart, her choice. Just remain as supportive as possible and don’t dwell on her relationship because it is not going to end it any faster. I am a very protective friend and I really can relate to your concerns. I know you are coming from a good place of genuine concern, but your friend is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. Maybe there is a lesson she needs to learn and in order to learn that lesson she needs to go through this experience.
I want to be clear…as I stated before, if there is any abuse or any potential for abuse you should definitely state your concerns. Also know that part of abuse is isolation, if he knows you are on to him he will do his best to manipulate her into cutting off your friendship.I sincerely hope this is not the case.
Ready for the silver lining? You know a pig when you see one. Congrats!
Love,
Miss J
A: Dear When being a friend is tough,
Friendships are invaluable. Whenever we are going through a difficult time or just need someone to make us smile, we can always count on our friends to be at our side. These are the people who run in our closest of circles and have our best interest at heart. We share everything with them and love listening to their advice, but when it comes to expressing our concern with their significant other…it all changes.
The defense walls shoot to the heavens, irrational excuses counter logical points, our friend feels attacked, frustration spews from our pores…the list continues. The conversations keep circling with no direction or progress, then slowly, both parties distance themselves from each other.
It’s hard to watch our friend date someone we feel doesn’t fit the mold, but it’s not our job to make those decisions. You are entitled to giving your opinion; it’s on your friend to take it or leave it. Continually bringing it up will only drive a wedge between the friendship, so you have to accept what you can’t change and hope for the best. Our only job as friends is to actually be a friend, so focus your energy on positivity and ride it out!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
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© LoveJays 2012
oooch – this is a tough one and i actually disagree. I was in a long term relationship that was on its way to marriage (ie: he had purchased the ring (unbeknownst to me) and i broke up with him…) When I broke up with him friends/family/house pets/you name it came out of the woodwork to say ‘FINAAAAALY!!! He was SO not good for you!!’ That hurt more than the breakup. Knowing that people knew something was off and not loving me enough to give me guidance… I felt betrayed by everyone, so on top of losing a significant other.. I was finding it hard to have anyone in my life.
Taking that as a lesson, I vowed to always be honest with my closest and best friends. It’s tough and it absolutely has to be rooted in love. I watched a best friend slowly deteriorate being effected by this ‘nice guy’ that everyone loved. To be honest, there isn’t anything crazy wrong with him… but she was not herself when she was with him and everyone knew it. When they hit the one year mark I decided I had to say something… I’m her best friend! So with tears in my eyes, I told her that I loved her and cared about her and that I didn’t think he was good for her. I also told her that I would support whatever she thought was best, but that I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t say something. We have a very honest friendship and she knew everything I was saying was not to pick a fight, but because i loved her enough to say it! (IT WAS SO HARD!!!) she cried a little and thanked me for sharing and took a couple months to think about what i had said. we’re everyday best friends (as in… see each other everyday), so I was cautious to not bring it up again… and also be supportive of their relationship… but she ended up breaking up with him and immediately she was back to herself again!
so although it’s tough.. if you’re on the inner circle, i think it’s your responsibility to lovingly share your concerns… but also be willing to accept their response 🙂 whew. that was a soapbox!! SORRY LOVEJAYS FOR TAKING UP YOUR COMMENT SECTION!!!!!!!!!!! R and I are going to post on the Friend Zone soon… we love your blog 🙂 🙂 🙂
-S
This was awesome! Thanks for your feedback/story/support. We are trying to be more active on the comment section. We truly enjoy your blog as well 🙂