Q:Dear Love Jays,
This woman and I dated for about two years and I ended things for what seemed like a deep-rooted clash at the time, but really had more to do with deep-rooted hurt and insecurities that I never dealt with from the previous relationship.
After a few months apart, prayer, meditation and a few timely books I was able to come to terms with myself, my shortcomings in the relationship, and finally found peace from the hurt I held onto for so long.
I met with the recent love and apologized and owned up to everything mentioned above. She was receptive but I know it caught her off guard. I wasn’t me, and now I can see I didn’t give her the best of me…and she loved me through it. Now I’m in a better place and want to, and can honestly give the best of me. But I obviously hurt her and she is adamant about not being together.
However, her actions don’t match her words. We went from not talking at all, to at least once a day and she even initiated taking a day trip together over the past month and some. But there are moments when she really keeps me at bay, trust issues from me leaving I assume…
I’M 100% in this and am truly able to commit my life to her…but she still keeps me at arms length. Advice?
A: Dear Ready to Prove my Love,
I was standing in your exact position just under a year ago. My relationship with Miss J had ended and I was left searching for answers to questions I never wanted to ask myself. It was a difficult two months, but it opened my eyes to all my insecurities and forced me to challenge the person I was becoming. Like you, prayer and reflection led me back to Miss J and I haven’t looked back since that November day.
But let’s be real, though I haven’t looked back, it took many months for Miss J to truly believe I was ready to be the man she needed. She only knew the old me – the one who caused her pain and never fully loved her; the one who she wanted to be with, but didn’t have a relationship with God; the one who appeared to have it all together, but was actually broken. She knew that man for 3.5 years and I expected her to immediately believe that I was ready to commit to her after only two months apart. Not only is that a selfish request, it’s virtually impossible as well.
It takes time, patience and prayer. I truly believe we wouldn’t be writing this blog if developing a relationship with God and prayer was not at the center of our relationship. It has helped guide us down a healthy path and has opened our hearts to love each other more abundantly than ever.
Your woman is still hurting and she has every right to hurt. She will show glimpses that may indicate things are getting better, but the road to recovery is very long. You said you are 100% ready to commit to her, so you also need to be 100% ready to be patient and work through any obstacles she places in your way. PROVE to her you are ready to love her and will NEVER leave her again. It will be difficult. It will be frustrating. It will test you. But through perseverance, the two of you will build a relationship 10x stronger than it was in the past. Lean on Him for strength and you will get your queen back!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Give me a Second Chance,
Mr. J and I had a similar problem. We split for two months and he came back a “changed man”. How was I supposed to just believe him after he spent so much time confused and unappreciative of who I was and the love I gave him for all those years? Was I expected to just trust what he said was true?
Oddly enough the answer was yes, I was supposed to trust him; not only by what he was saying, but by what he was showing me as well. I can tell you from being on the other side of the situation it is not easy. A lesson women learn early on is that a man will say anything to get back with you (especially if you are doing well) and if he burns you once he will burn you again. This lesson is the changed man’s worst nightmare.
My advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Slowly gain her trust back day by day, let her know you are here for her. Say what you feel, but also show her…CONSTANTLY. I know when I was in that state of mind I needed constant reassurance. During our break up, I reunited with a part of myself I thought I had lost. I figured out during that time that I really really do like me for me. When he came back, I was scared I was going to have to give that up. I was really happy he was back, but I was really hurt he left in the first place. I had a hard time understanding the fact he really changed, he wasn’t just saying it to get me back so he could hurt me again. HE WAS SERIOUS! He was patient, kind, understanding and supportive. He made it his mission to mend the damage he did to my heart. On top of all that, he proved he loved all the progress I made, he loved all of me and wanted to share all of himself with me. That was what really sealed the deal, the realization that he wanted me to be the best version of myself. He did not want me to be with him if it cost me any happiness and he has made sure of that until this day.
It seems like she is coming around. Don’t press her for any commitment; right now just focus on gaining her trust. Keep praying and prove to her you are for real for as long as it takes. If it is meant to be you guys WILL eventually get back to a good place.
Love,
Miss J
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