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Battling Insecurities

Dear Love Jays,

I’m having a similar problem to one that was recently submitted about a controlling boyfriend. The difference? I’m the controlling one. :-/

I recognize the fault in myself; I know I can be overly controlling with my boyfriend, and I can tell that it stems from a major insecurity in myself. But I love this man very much and I definitely don’t enjoy being that way with him. I’d like to do anything I can not to be that way with him because I love him. I’m having a hard time with the how….. Any suggestions?!

Dear Insecurities Getting In The Way,

Let’s start this on a positive note — kudos for identifying the source of your controlling behavior. Insecurities haunt us all. Rich or poor, oversized or fit, black or white — none of us have it all together. Some do a better job of hiding it than others, but we already know the deal. Okay, tangent over.

Conquering our insecurities is a daily process that requires constant attention and effort. We do not have the luxury of turning off our insecurities, therefore, we cannot afford to ignore them and hope they magically go away. It’s easy to sit idle with this mindset because facing our insecurities is uncomfortable. Can you think of anything more dreadful than looking in the mirror and identifying all the things wrong with us? I didn’t think so. It’s awful, yet unbelievably necessary.

When we open ourselves to vulnerability and expose these shortcomings to our significant other, a powerful shift ignites within your relationship. The facade is stripped away. The makeup is washed off. The relationship transforms from “you vs. me” to “we”. As long as you allow the “you vs. me” to dominate the conversation, your relationship will never fully bloom.

It’s time to put on your favorite shoes and start walking down uncomfortable lane. 🙂

Love,

Mr. J

P.S. If your boyfriend fuels these insecurities, we have a whooooole different set of issues to discuss!

Dear Not In Control,

When we have the desire to control the uncontrollable, it is often the result of being unable to control ourselves. You are not addressing something and it is manifesting in an unhealthy way. The good news is you are on the right track. You have acknowledged your problem. Now you just need help with execution.

First, stop with trying to control your boyfriend. I know it’s hard, but if you don’t, the likelihood of him leaving you is high and completely warranted. Second, you need to identify what you are insecure about. You can do this by asking yourself these questions:

1. Are you afraid he is going to leave you? If so, why?

2. Has anything happened in the past within your current relationship that has added to your insecurities? If so, is it salvageable?

3. Has anything happened in a past relationship that is affecting how you react to your current partner?

4. What do you deserve and why do you feel you deserve it? Is this healthy?

5. At the root of it all, in its simplest form, what is your fear?

These questions are important and they need to be addressed immediately. You need to be completely honest with yourself. Once you do that, you just start chomping away at each problem you identified. It is also important to communicate with your boyfriend and let him know what you are trying to do. You’ll need his support and input if you really want to grow.

Loving someone is a risk. You risk loss, failure, loneliness and heartbreak. It takes a strong and secure person to love someone correctly. His life is not yours to control, but if you play your cards right, it could be yours to share.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

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Dating a Married Man

Dear Love Jays,

I’m seeing a married man. Even typing this I know how wrong it is and this will not end well but I can’t find it in me to stop seeing him. Yes he is married and has children, yes he is unhappy in his marriage, and yes he wants to leave. But I know he hasn’t left her yet and has a family to support, so what is wrong with me?

I haven’t had a relationship in years and it is the first time I have felt any type of love. This I know is part of my problem, wanting to be with someone but this obviously is not the right way to start a relationship. I don’t understand why I am doing something I know is totally wrong.

Advice?

 Dear Forbidden Love,

I cringed while reading this, not out of judgment, but because this is not something people talk about. I could easily dismiss you and call you a whore,bitch, Jezebel every name in the book; however I am pretty sure this happens more than people like to admit and I appreciate you coming forward to start the conversation.

I’m not going to bother telling you that you aren’t in love because there is no way I can know that for sure.

The Facts:

He’s married and you aren’t his wife. He has children and you aren’t their mother. You’re lonely and he’s willing to give you part-time love. He took a vow and you did not.

Here’s what you need to know:

He’s married and you are a secret. He is not going to show you off proudly, ever. Even if you end up together you will always be associated with failure. Let’s say he does in fact leave his wife. What is going to stop him from leaving you? If love, marriage, children and vows couldn’t hold him what makes you think his side chick can? (Sorry, just have to be honest)   Also, what about his children? Are you ready to face them if need be? What is your end game? This is not going to result  in a victory for you. You’ll either lose his heart or your soul.

The theme of your relationship will always be ALMOST. I almost trust him, I almost have him to myself, we almost have something worth bragging about, we almost made it, we are almost decent people, I almost respect myself, we almost did the right thing, he almost loves me the way I deserve to be loved, I am almost happy…almost.

You know what you are doing. No need to tell you that you are wrong because you already know, but I am going to say it anyway. You are wrong and what you are doing is not in any way okay. You think you are just lighting a match, but really you are setting a whole house on fire. He’s not the only one dishing out part time love, you are also loving yourself that way. I’m going to ask you to choose yourself, and no that doesn’t mean give into your lust, it means love yourself enough to walk away. Be worthy of deserving better.

Love,

Miss J

P.S. For those people out there who are having an affair with a married man/woman just for the sex.  THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER PEOPLE TO HAVE SEX WITH. No excuse. Do better!

Dear Playing With Fire,

Three words that shouldn’t be used to describe us — The Other Woman.

It’s one thing to date someone who is in a committed relationship (I’m in NO WAY supporting side chick efforts), but when the marriage line is crossed, you have entered some next level sh*t. When two people commit to each other, they are entering a contract (legal, spiritual, cultural, social) to support, respect, honor and love their significant other until the end of time. The vows people exchange are meant to be more than just words, but actions lived out every day. And within those vows, the fair majority of people agree to commit *monogamously to one another.

*Note: If you are not in a monogamous marriage, I’m happy for you and am not arguing in favor of one over another. To each his own.

I’m going to take a wild guess and say the man you are currently “seeing” committed to his wife monogamously, but has since shied away from the words he said on that “special” day. It’s not my place to speculate why or why not his marriage isn’t working. Everyone experiences their own struggles and has different ways of dealing with them. However, I will acknowledge that escaping his marital problems by “seeing” you only makes things ten times worse.

We live in an era of distraction. And unfortunately, you are his distraction.

Instead of looking in the mirror and holding himself accountable for his shortcomings, he has used you to keep his mind off the real problems. The love he is showing you may be something you haven’t experienced before, but are you worth 2nd place love? Listen to your conscience — I’m sure it’s the reason you submitted this question.

Love,

Mr. J