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How Fast is Too Fast?

Q: Dear Love Jays,
How fast is too fast to have sex?

A: Dear Fast Lane:

Sex is an intimate act that should be shared exclusively for two people who genuinely love and care for each other. Unfortunately, sex has become the understood way of communicating how we feel for another person. We sometimes struggle to articulate our feelings through words or actions, so we use sex to help us express how we feel inside.

Miss J and I are an open book when it comes to our relationship, so I’m going to share something very personal. Miss J and I were sexually active throughout our entire relationship (4+ years), until God placed it on our hearts to try celibacy a few months ago. I vividly remember when the thought first crossed my mind, yet my selfishness refused to bring it up. About 2 weeks later, Miss J sat me down and proposed we remain celibate for 40 days. Our 40 days ended on July 14 and we have continued on our celibacy path until we get married. The last 3 months has forced me to find new ways of expressing my love to Miss J and most importantly, it makes my mind and spirit feel at peace.

I’m sure celibacy is out of the question for many of you, so if you decide to have sex, I strongly encourage you to analyze your level of commitment to the person and act accordingly. Believe it or not, sex complicates more than it helps us to understand. Trust the feelings in your heart and do what you feel is right!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear How Will I know, 

I do believe this is our very first sex question…Thanks for bringing it up!

Sex is not to be taken lightly; although television, music, and pop culture suggests otherwise. A little while back I may have told you to wait at least 3 dates, or when you feel comfortable. Sex is now categorized as a casual and necessary thing to do no matter what your status is. It allows for things such as the “three date rule” to exist, and the porn industry to thrive in a time of economic turmoil. All the while we are all sitting around like it is completely normal and acceptable. I was in the same bubble up until a couple of months ago and let me tell you, boy have my eyes have been opened!

The three date rule is accepted as a solid answer to the ‘when to have sex question’ because of three things:

1. As a man: you have now spent money and time with a female 3 times, she owes you.

2. As a woman: a man has now spent money and time with you 3 times, you owe him.

3. You are both unbelievably horny by this point.

The list may make sense to you but I challenge you to wait even longer. I know celibacy is not for everyone, I am not even going to go there. What I will say is  wait until you really get to know the person. Give time for you both to become invested to the point you both care about the other person’s well-being (emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually). Yes, I am aware that will take TIME and a lot of WORK ;hence why I said INVEST. Without sex you will discover quickly whether or not a person is worth getting to know beneath the surface.

So there you have it, it’s too fast if there is no investment. And remember, you are worth the investment too!

Good luck,

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Stay in Your Zone

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have a guy friend and I can tell he is starting to like me. How do I break it to him that I don’t like him like that without hurting his feelings?

A: Dear Feelings aren’t Mutual:

You can find the nicest way possible to break the news to him, but understand that his feelings are still going to be hurt. Rejection isn’t easy to receive and it never feels good. I would strongly recommend breaking the news soon, so he doesn’t get led on and his hopes don’t get too high! Personally, I would rather be rejected from jump than to believe I actually have a chance.

It’s not possible to have feelings for everyone who has feelings for us, so let him down and easy and hope for the best. If you guys were good friends before, the friendship may become a little awkward at first, but time heals most (not all) wounds. The longer you wait, the more awkward it will become.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear He Really is Just a Friend, 

If he has not said anything about it or acted on it yet, I would leave it alone. As long as you are able to comfortably enjoy the friendship there is no need to shut him down. On the flip side, if he is expressing how he feels and will not let it go you are going to have to let him know that the feelings are not reciprocated. No use in trying to drop hints about how you feel about just being friends because he won’t catch them. Men need you to be straight forward. Your actions and words have to match. Don’t give him a shred of hope of being anything more. This does not mean you have to be rude to him in any way, it just means you have to keep him firmly in the dreaded “friend zone”.

I cannot promise you he will not get his feeling hurt, no one likes being rejected. Depending on how much he is in “like”, you may lose him, but if he was ever truly your friend he will eventually get over it and you guys will be able to go back to business as usual—Hopefully.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Year of the Woman

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A few weeks ago, my pastor preached a lecture series called the “Year of the Woman”. He spoke about the important role women play in our society, the power all women possess inside of them, acknowledged the driving power to keep women “in their place”, yet what struck me the most weren’t any of the sentiments expressed above. He looked every man in the eye and challenged us to recognize the crucial role we play in assisting women to earn their respective place in society. He called us to be Joseph’s (husband of Mary, mother of Jesus) of the world – men who make a full effort to manifest the dreams and destiny of a woman.

I write this blog with the hope of inspiring young men and women to examine their behaviors and understand the importance women play in our lives. In today’s society, it’s almost impossible to turn on a popular radio station or movie without hearing a negative comment about women. B-this. H-that. And what makes it even worse, our culture has grown completely immune to such name calling and has WOMEN using the words as terms of endearment for each other!

Sit on that.

We must understand progress towards a better world starts with the elevating of a woman. Men have been running this country forever, but of those men running it, how many of them had a strong woman supporting them along the way? Despite your views or political affiliation, do you honestly believe Barack Obama is the same man without Michelle? Martin without Corretta? FDR without Eleanor? She (Michelle) is the anchor to his success and he understands her value. Sure, men can argue until they are blue in the face about “I put in the long days”, “I worked for this” or as Drake so eloquently stated, “B****, you wasn’t with me shootin’ in the gym!” It’s a fair argument, but only a fool believes a man is at his best without a good woman behind them.

What if the roles were reversed and it was a man’s job to support their wife in any endeavor she wanted to peruse? As a man, would you be willing to humble yourself? If you are unable to say ‘yes’ to some part of this question, I challenge you to reexamine your ideals. Women were not placed here to cater to a man’s dream; God placed a dream inside of every woman’s heart, so how dare we (men) limit women in attaining their goals and dreams. It’s time to embrace the woman. Empower the woman. Respect the woman. LOVE the woman! We have come a long way as a generation, but we still have a long way to go. Let’s be mindful of the words we use when referencing to a women; let’s be mindful the way we treat women. Above all, let’s set free our negativity and replace it with positivity.

I would be lying to you by not admitting my guilt in every aspect I speak about. I have helped in contributing to the demeaning of women. I’m not proud of my guilt, but I recognize it. Fortunately, we all have the ability to change. I have made a commitment to manifest the dreams of the women around me and to respect women through my words and actions. Because I am human, I will slip-up. I ask for forgiveness ahead of time and ask all of you to join me in my journey.

For the men reading this post: Help facilitate change. Swim upstream. Honor the woman.

For the woman reading this post: You are beautiful. You are strong. You are intelligent. You have a dream inside of you that the Earth is in need of receiving. Spread your wings and begin to fly. The world is at your feet!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Have a question for the Love Jays? Submit it by email here or anonymously using our comment box!

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© LoveJays 2012

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I Want You Back

Q:Dear Love Jays,

This woman and I dated for about two years and I ended things for what seemed like a deep-rooted clash at the time, but really had more to do with deep-rooted hurt and insecurities that I never dealt with from the previous relationship.

After a few months apart, prayer, meditation and a few timely books I was able to come to terms with myself, my shortcomings in the relationship, and finally found peace from the hurt I held onto for so long.

I met with the recent love and apologized and owned up to everything mentioned above. She was receptive but I know it caught her off guard. I wasn’t me, and now I can see I didn’t give her the best of me…and she loved me through it. Now I’m in a better place and want to, and can honestly give the best of me. But I obviously hurt her and she is adamant about not being together.

However, her actions don’t match her words. We went from not talking at all, to at least once a day and she even initiated taking a day trip together over the past month and some. But there are moments when she really keeps me at bay, trust issues from me leaving I assume…

I’M 100% in this and am truly able to commit my life to her…but she still keeps me at arms length. Advice?

A: Dear Ready to Prove my Love,

I was standing in your exact position just under a year ago. My relationship with Miss J had ended and I was left searching for answers to questions I never wanted to ask myself. It was a difficult two months, but it opened my eyes to all my insecurities and forced me to challenge the person I was becoming. Like you, prayer and reflection led me back to Miss J and I haven’t looked back since that November day.

But let’s be real, though I haven’t looked back, it took many months for Miss J to truly believe I was ready to be the man she needed. She only knew the old me – the one who caused her pain and never fully loved her; the one who she wanted to be with, but didn’t have a relationship with God; the one who appeared to have it all together, but was actually broken. She knew that man for 3.5 years and I expected her to immediately believe that I was ready to commit to her after only two months apart. Not only is that a selfish request, it’s virtually impossible as well.

It takes time, patience and prayer. I truly believe we wouldn’t be writing this blog if developing a relationship with God and prayer was not at the center of our relationship. It has helped guide us down a healthy path and has opened our hearts to love each other more abundantly than ever.

Your woman is still hurting and she has every right to hurt. She will show glimpses that may indicate things are getting better, but the road to recovery is very long. You said you are 100% ready to commit to her, so you also need to be 100% ready to be patient and work through any obstacles she places in your way. PROVE to her you are ready to love her and will NEVER leave her again. It will be difficult. It will be frustrating. It will test you. But through perseverance, the two of you will build a relationship 10x stronger than it was in the past. Lean on Him for strength and you will get your queen back!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Give me a Second Chance,

Mr. J and I had a similar problem. We split for two months and he came back a “changed man”. How was I supposed to just believe him after he spent so much time confused and unappreciative of who I was and the love I gave him for all those years? Was I expected to just trust what he said was true?

Oddly enough the answer was yes, I was supposed to trust him; not only by what he was saying, but by what he was showing me as well. I can tell you from being on the other side of the situation it is not easy. A lesson women learn early on is that a man will say anything to get back with you (especially if you are doing well) and if he burns you once he will burn you again. This lesson is the changed man’s worst nightmare.

My advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Slowly gain her trust back day by day, let her know you are here for her. Say what you feel, but also show her…CONSTANTLY. I know when I was in that state of mind I needed constant reassurance. During our break up, I reunited with a part of myself I thought I had lost. I figured out during that time that I really really do like me for me. When he came back, I was scared I was going to have to give that up.  I was really happy he was back, but I was really hurt he left in the first place. I had a hard time understanding the fact he really changed, he wasn’t just saying it to get me back so he could hurt me again. HE WAS SERIOUS! He was patient, kind, understanding and supportive. He made it his mission to mend the damage he did to my heart. On top of all that, he proved he loved all the progress I made, he loved all of me and wanted to share all of himself with me. That was what really sealed the deal, the realization that he wanted me to be the best version of myself. He did not want me to be with him if it cost me any happiness and he has made sure of that until this day.

It seems like she is coming around. Don’t press her for any commitment; right now just focus on gaining her trust. Keep praying and prove to her you are for real for as long as it takes. If it is meant to be you guys WILL eventually get back to a good place.

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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But You Say I’m Just a Friend

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I recently realized that I am in love with my best guy friend. The only problem is that I can’t figure out whether he feels the same way about me….I don’t want to say something and then risk destroying the friendship. We have a bunch of mutual friends and they keep telling me to go for it, but I am still holding back.

We are extremely good friends, I am totally comfortable around him (always feel like I can be ‘me’), would do anything for him, and I am even willing to adjust my future career plans in order to be with him. I have always been a very driven woman with high career and life goals, so the fact that I am willing to compromise some of my plans for a guy is a big deal.

I am torn because I cannot imagine not having him in my life should he not see me in a romantic light, but at the same time I feel like I am carrying around a huge secret by not telling him how I truly feel.

I am almost certain that he is “the one,” aka the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with — he drives me crazy sometimes yet I still love him and he meets all of my “must haves” in a potential husband/life partner.

What should I do? Should I say something or just be content in the friendship? How do I try to probe his feelings and find out if he feels the same way?

Please Help!

A: Dear My Best Friend has my Heart,

I mentioned this in a previous post, but I will say it again: There is nothing more beautiful than falling in love with your best friend. For some people, the person we fall in love with may not start off as our best friend, but if we want that relationship to reach its maximum level of love, happiness and strength – our significant other MUST BE our best friend.  Not only you have been blessed to have someone who you can confidently call your “best friend”, you have met a person who allows you to be comfortable in your own skin and makes you feel like no one else does!

Embrace your feelings, but also understand that two possibilities can result if you have this conversation. You are clearly in love with this man and are ready to commit yourself to him. He may feel the same, he may not. Prepare yourself for either possibility. Who knows, he may be asking himself this very questions, yet may be too afraid or uncertain on how to approach it.

I firmly believe you will be doing yourself and the friendship a disservice by not expressing your true feelings. It’s unclear how long the two of you have been friends, but it’s obvious the two of you have grown close over the years. If there isn’t anything in this world a best friend could handle, it’s honesty. Friendships are built on honesty, so open your heart and be honest. It may single-handedly be the most frightening thing you will do, but it will all be worth it. Who wants to continue down life’s journey being “just a friend” to the person they believe is the one for them?

Give your heart the opportunity to discover if he really is the one! Just remember, prepare for both possibilities.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I’m In love with my Bestie,

This is great news! Who better to fall in love with than the person who knows you, loves you and trust you the most in the world. Beyond that, the feelings are reciprocated on your end; how wonderful!

Chances are if your mutual friends are all saying to go for it, they may know something you don’t know. He may already know, or he may even feel the same but he may be uncertain of your feeling.

Answer these questions:

  1. Are you both single?
  2. Is your friendship strong enough to weather a relationship?
  3. Are you more afraid of losing a friend or your potential husband? (trick question, but answer it anyway)
  4. Would you have to compromise anything that will subtract from you being a better person?
  5. Has your friendship grown since 2011, if so in what direction and if you were to stay “just friends”, what your friendship would really look like in 2013?

If you answered “no” to number one, have respect for his current relationship. If you strike now you won’t even be able to be friends depending on how serious he is about his girl. Now that’s out of the way…

Making the jump from best friend to boyfriend/girlfriend can be awesome, but it will have its challenges as well. You will have to “re-train” each other in some areas because you will be making a different type of commitment to one another. Some things will come naturally and others you will have to work for. Nothing to fret about, but definitely something to prepare for. Make sure you are both on the same page as to what you want out of the relationship.

Number 3 is a trick question because if you believe in you heart of hearts he is “the one” you will never lose his friendship and you will only gain a husband (potentially/eventually). Really weigh what you are compromising, anyone in a successful relationship will tell you compromise is a key component of their success; however make sure you do not compromise anything that has to do with who you truly are at the core. It’s not worth being with someone if you can’t be and do what you feel your purpose is in life.

Lastly, if you are in love with your best friend now there is a good chance you will be in love with him this time next year. The moment you discovered have deeper feelings for him you erased any hope of a true “just friends” relationship. You don’t want to wake up one day both married to different people wondering “what if…”.

Go for it!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Ex in Waiting

Dear Love Jays,

I still care about my ex, but do to certain circumstances, now is not the time to be together. I know we can’t be together, but I do not want to cut her off and I also don’t want to keep her in a state of waiting. What should I do?

Dear Waiting Game,

Make a decision and make it quick! Most women are not going to just sit around and wait for men to decide the “best time” to be together nor will they be strung along. It’s never easy to watch someone you care for walk out of your life, but if circumstances prevent you from making the commitment, you may have to face the harsh reality.

It’s unfair for both of you to play a game of emotional hide-and-seek. Letting people go is sometimes the best thing you can do for a person because it allows both of you to explore other options completely independent from each others thoughts, opinions or influence. If losing her is not a risk you are willing to take, reexamine those “circumstances” and find a way to make it work. Just be careful not to sacrifice your own happiness for the happiness of someone else!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Relationship Limbo, 

Letting go is hard to do, but when it comes to an ex, who you do not intend on being with and who still has feelings, you have to. If you truly care about her, you have to let her heal.

I do not know what your circumstances are, but if it is something serious you have to embrace the reality of the situation. Keeping her around with her hoping  you guys will be something more would be selfish. If you respect and care about her the way you say you do, you need to prove it.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012