Q: Dear Love Jays,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, but recently I moved about a 6 hour drive / 1 hour flight away for school. We try to see each other every 3 weeks. He recently got a new female friend. He says he is not interested in her, but she definitely seems like she is crossing over boundaries of appropriate behavior. She invited him over to bake a cake with her, and once when my boyfriend and I got in a fight she surprise stopped by to visit him at his house and brought him ice cream…. She is definitely encroaching, but I don’t know whether to believe him or not when he says not to worry. What should I do?
A: Dear His New Female Friend,
You need to have a conversation. And it should have happened yesterday. That’s my answer. I will use the remainder of this post to give some helpful advice for all the men.
Fellas – if maintaining your current relationship is of any importance to you, quit before you even start! 99.99999% of the time you meet a new “female friend” chances are very likely that your lady is going to have an issue – a major issue. Get used to it. The relationship you are developing or have developed with this new “friend” may ACTUALLY BE non-threatening and have all good intentions (in your eyes); however, the odds are stacked far against you in regards to if your woman ACTUALLY believes you or even more importantly – believes her. I am not discouraging men from developing friendships with women because I do think it gives you a nice balance. I am simply cautioning men to be careful in selecting the women who you choose to befriend.
Men, we aren’t stupid. We try our very hardest to act as stupid as possible, but at the end of the day, we can decide between right and wrong. If you meet a young lady who you actually believe could be a true friend, introduce her to your significant other IMMEDIATELY. See how both parties react. I’m sure your lady will still have something to say, but as time progresses, she may open up. If some weeks or months go by and the lady still has an issue, it may be time to re-examine that “friendship”. I have several female friends – one of which I lived with for 2 years in college! But trust and believe, Miss J knows ALL of them and has developed a relationship with most.
Want to save yourself from tireless arguments, headaches, fights, tears, temptations or breakups? Take my advice! Friends are good. True friends are even better. Develop relationships with the right people and I’m positive your troubles will be minimized.
A: Dear Unwanted Female Pest Problem,
Oh yes the “Female Friend” issue, put on your termination hat because someone has to go and it’s either going to be her, him, or you walking away. Someone has to be eliminated. 1+1 does not equal 3.
Meeting new people, increasing your circle, forming casual relationships, and developing new friendships are completely normal and completely ok. With that said anyone with half a brain knows when you are in a committed relationship you can only go so far with developing a friendship with the opposite sex. Anyone who came before you…fair game. Anyone who comes after tread lightly.
In my opinion it is very rare for a woman to seek out a man in a relationship just because she wants to hang out and be friends but nothing more. Major red flag. Tell him to cut off that relationship or you will be cutting yours. There is no negotiating. She has already crossed the line, you know her intentions and you know they are ill. There is no need for them to even be a friend from a distance. CUT IT OFF! All or nothing. You deserve someone who respects not only you, but your relationship.
Disclaimer 1: Your man should not be spending quality time with any woman other than you. This does not include his mother; don’t ever try to get between a man and his mom. You will lose. We will save that convo for another time…
Disclaimer 2: If your significant other has a friend of the opposite sex that they meet at work or in class and they see them in that setting or occasionally outside of that setting with other friends from that environment that is ok! I definitely recommend meeting them, not necessarily to see if they are a threat, but because it is always good to meet the people your partner deems as worthy of their time.
© LoveJays 2012