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Friendships of the Opposite Sex

Opposite Sex Friendships

Q:Dear Love Jays,

My fiance goes out to bars and stuff. Recently, I saw him texting a female who he said is just a friend. What is your view on guys having females as friend who they meet after already being in a relationship.

A:Dear Feeling Friendly,

Developing new friendships of the opposite sex, while in a relationship, can often be a bit tricky. We are naturally attracted to like-minded people and it’s impossible to completely “turn-off” our friendly demeanor because we are in a committed relationship. We have all met some of our friends at the most random of places or times, yet that is the beauty of life and these friendships.

I’ve always been an active proponent for developing new friendships throughout our various stages of life; however, it is very important to exercise common decency and respect when developing new friendships. Our intentions may be completely innocent and pure, but those same intentions may not be reciprocated by the other person. Miss J has often expressed that women are more attracted to men who are in relationships because it shows that these men have the capability of committing. As much as I have tried ignoring this statement, it has proven to be true more times than not.

I’m not against making new friends of the opposite sex, but it’s critical to make your significant other aware of this newly formed friendship. If introducing the two would cause a problem, chances are very likely this “friendship” probably shouldn’t exist.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear Female Friends,

My initial response is to say there is no such thing as a new female friend. Yea…that’s about it.

Exceptions
  1. She’s your Friend. (The girlfriend’s friend)
  2. She’s a work friend, that he leaves at work.
  3. She’s a friend from class, that he leaves in the classroom.

There should be no one-on-one hanging out. Texting is okay, but not in length.

Acceptable Text:

“Hey, what time is the mandatory meeting tomorrow?”

*his response should be short and sweet and as should hers.

Unacceptable Text:

“Hey, how was your day? I was bummed in that meeting at work today, but then I saw you and it made me smile. xoxo”

Every relationship has its own set of rules. Mr. J and I established early on what we would and would not tolerate as far as befriending the opposite sex goes. In my opinion women do not need to befriend men who are already involved in a relationship any deeper than on a surface level. Okay, I have to leave this alone before I get messy. I will talk about it more on our radio show this Saturday.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

 

© LoveJays 2013

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The Truth About Texting

Q: Hi, LoveJays!

I’m curious about this whole texting and dating situation. I’ve never been much of a texter — and to be honest, I hate texting. It’s bothersome and you never know what to say and when the other person doesn’t text back, it leaves you wondering, “What?” I’ve just recently started “talking” to someone and it all started one night because we texted for four hours straight. He initiated talk throughout the week but this weekend, conversation has been sporadic. I won’t hear from him for four hours but when I do, he still seems interested. Sometimes when I ask a question, it’ll take him a whole day to get back to me. I know he’s a busy person but I can’t help but wonder. My friends say that most guys are just shitty communicators when it comes to texting. Is that the case or is he just not interested anymore? Is texting just a shitty way to communicate too? Or has it just gotten to a point where he knows he has me and therefore doesn’t feel the need to court me via text message?

A: Dear Pick Up The Phone,

First, let me say I do consider texting an acceptable form of communication. It’s a great way to send and receive information quickly when you do not feel like/cannot pick up the phone. However, when “talking” to and individual it would be nice if you guys actually verbally talked. Texting leaves too much to be interpreted, especially when you are trying to communicate how much you do or do not like a potential mate.

As far as your question goes, I think it is safe to say he was excited when he first started talking to you and now he is less excited. Does this mean he does not like you? Not necessarily. Let me put it this way, he’s definitely not head over heels. No one who wants to communicate is bad at communicating. It’s not difficult to respond to a text message. Sadly, your friends have been misinformed and are passing along their misinformation to you. If he was really that terrible at texting (is that even a real thing?) he would not have been so responsive in the first place.

Confession: I say I am bad at responding to text all the time. What I really should say is “I read your message and opt not to respond right away because I am doing something else I am more interested in doing at the time.”

Sad, but true and also not an acceptable excuse when trying to seriously get to know a person.

Also, there is no such thing as “courting via text message”. It is literally the most impersonal mode of communication.

I say this in love…DO NOT BE AFRAID TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS! 

You get what you demand. Now would be a great time to demand that whoever is  interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Text Messaging Confusion,

Let’s start this with a simple PSA to all the men: STOP USING TEXT MESSAGING AS YOUR PRIMARY METHOD OF COMMUNICATION!

SMS: it’s an acronym. (S)hort (M)essaging (S)service. Keyword: SHORT.

Text messaging was developed with the intention of exchanging quick, short-handed conversations without having to call someone. It wasn’t developed to prevent people from ever using their cell phones to ACTUALLY dial a phone number and have a verbal conversation with another human being! Imagine that — using our phones to call people? What a strange concept. You mean to tell me cell phones aren’t just made for downloading 2000 apps or stalking friends on social media or taking pictures of every pointless thing in life?

I’m not bashing text messaging; I use the service everyday. However, I am calling out all those who write college length essays over a text message. Really? Were all those characters necessary? In the time it took you to type everything, you could’ve done the following:

1. Dialed my number
2. Listened to the phone ring at least 3 times before I picked up.
3. Asked your question using half of the words you were going to type.
4. Received the answer to your question.
5. Had a 3-5 minute conversation discussing at least five other things.

You see what we did there? By picking up the phone, we were actually able to discuss multiple topics (in a short amount of time) AND we didn’t have to decode your poor use of the English language or emoticons. Fascinating.

Want to hear more about my opinions on text messaging when dating? Good, I’m glad you agreed.

Where were we? That’s right, something about texting a guy for four hours.

FOUR HOURS?

I’m all for getting to know someone, but if you can’t pick up the phone and carry-on a halfway intelligent conversation, you clearly aren’t as interested as you give off. What makes you think a man who isn’t willing to SPEAK with you is willing to be SEEN with you? Any man who is genuinely interested in getting to know a woman on a more personal level will have no problem picking up the phone, regardless how “busy” he may be or how “poor” he communicates. And as a woman, you should demand his attention and respect. Winning the gold medal shouldn’t be easy, right?

Love,

Mr. J

P.S. Courting via text messaging doesn’t exist. The end. 🙂

© LoveJays 2013

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Did You Lose Your Manners When You Purchased Your iPhone?

It’s 2012 and technology is leading the charge on how we communicate! Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, G-Chat, iChat, BBM, Kik Messenger, Viddy, Ustream, Skype, FaceTime, Text Messaging…the list is endless. Let’s jump back just 10 years ago: how many of these communication mediums existed? If you didn’t have AIM and I didn’t have your house number, (YES, back in 2002 we actually had to call a girl’s house if we wanted to speak with her) it was virtually impossible to get in contact with a friend.

Side bar: wouldn’t it be nice if we could go back to the days when it was slightly challenging to get in contact with someone? Don’t get me wrong, I am an avid social media user who always has my iPhone in my left pocket, but it would be phenomenal if I had the option to unplug from the world.

Yesterday, I was at a rooftop bar in Manhattan with Miss J and two other lady friends sipping on a beer and enjoying the sunset over the Hudson River. The conversation was pretty lighthearted until one of the ladies brought up an interesting point. She began to express her extreme frustration with men using text messaging as their primary means of communicating with her. She continued on in frustration and suggested men who are interested in getting to know her should try picking up the phone, dial her number (scroll through your contacts and click the name) and initiate a verbal conversation.

Definition of verbal conversation: when two or more people engage in the sharing of information, thoughts, ideas, etc. through a handheld portable computing device most commonly understood as an iPhone, BlackBerry, Android or similar device (Dictionary.com/Mr J’s creativity).

The sentiment was shared amongst all three ladies and I started to ponder this question: Has technology (primarily texting, BBMing and emoji-ing) caused more harm than good in the wonderful world of dating?

Texting has become the primary mode of communication for young people (16-25 years of age) through its relative quick, easy and convenient functions. On the flip side, it’s very difficult to express genuine emotion via text messaging and requires us to pay little attention to the receiver on the other end.

And this is where the problem arouses – attention. Attention and women go hand-in-hand. If you want to keep a woman in your life, I suggest finding every way possible to balance the attention you focus on her, yourself and everyone else. It may seem crazy, but I’m giving you something most men learn the hard way.

What does all this have to do with text messaging? Everything! Women want to feel appreciated. Simply grabbing the phone and putting your thumbs to work requires little effort; it can happen anytime and anywhere (if you have Verizon). Calling someone requires you to stop what you are doing and engage in a healthy conversation. It takes effort; not much effort, but enough effort to make the woman realize that you are interested and care about what she has on her mind. Give her that outlet. Be the guy who everyone says to themselves, “How in the hell did he get her?!” Next time you go on a date with a woman, give her call and explain how much you enjoyed the night together. A simple two-minute conversation could be all the difference in the world.

Technology may have changed. Women have not. Give your thumbs a break and use those manners yo’ momma taught you! A good woman is awaiting.

Happy Dating!

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2012

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Call Me…Maybe?…Eh Probably Not

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Lets say you went out with a guy. You had fun. Two weeks passed. He hasn’t called, texted, or emailed. Should the woman reach out or should you wait? I’m modern gal and I say why wait…

A: Dear Call Waiting:

I respect you for being a modern gal and not letting traditional gender roles influence your decisions, but in this case, you should tear a page out of the ol’ school book and NOT reach out to him. If a man is genuinely into you AND respects you, he would not have let 2 weeks pass before initiating some form of communication. The technology revolution over the past decade has definitely changed the dating game (for the worse) and some men feel the old game has faded away. I couldn’t disagree more.

It’s imperative for men to  come to their senses and realize how to treat a lady. I’m sick of reading triflin’ Facebook or Twitter posts about how “some man did this” or “I don’t need a man that”. It’s obvious women are crying out for men to awake from their slumber and realize that most just ain’t doing it right! Where are the real men at? Grab your lady by the face and kiss her just because. Take her to spa and get her pampered. Get in the kitchen and make her dinner and then WASH THE DISHES! Real men need to get on their knees daily and give thanks for being blessed with a queen! Stop taking these women for granted!

As for you miss, kick that whack brotha’ to the curb and delete his number from your phone book. Hold your head up high and walk with confidence knowing that a REAL man is out there looking for you and wouldn’t dare to wait 2 weeks before he reached out to you.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Two weeks Too Late,

Leave it alone. If there is one thing I have learned it is that when men want something they work for it.

Yes, sometimes it is necessary to be a “modern woman”; for example a man may be confused as to where you stand, in that case it is ok to let him know exactly what you want and how much you do/do not like him. Based off of the fact you have already hung out he already knows what he is working with. It is his job to contact you.

Remain patient and have fun in the meantime. He may have a valid reason for not contacting you, but chances are he doesn’t. If he hits you with a text in two weeks talkin’ about he has been “busy” and he is sorry he hasn’t “had a minute” then you need to run fast and in the opposite direction because he is one of “those”.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012