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Social Media Complications

Hey Love Fans,

We received two similar questions, so we decided to address them both at the same time.

Love,

J&J

Dear Love Jays,

1. What’s your opinion on social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc) and photo sending apps (like Snapchat or Wink!) in relationships?

2.Social media is causing a huge rift in my relationship!! What can I do??

Dear Social Media Problems,

Social media allows us to easily keep in touch with friends, express new ideas, share pictures and sometimes it even aids us in securing a job. When used responsibly, social media can be a great resource. Unfortunately, there are many people who use and abuse this resource and let social media invade rational thinking.

Side Note: Computer confidence is an epidemic. How many selfies have you seen in the past 24 hours? How many bold statuses have you read? How many debates have you witnessed? How many “inventive” hashtags have you read? Such a mess. Had to get that out, let’s get back on track!

When in a relationship the rule of thumb is this:

Do NOT do anything you wouldn’t do in person behind the protection of your computer or mobile device.

Really, that rule should be applied to everyone, relationship or not.

This means:

  1. If you and your significant other have a fight, you don’t need to send subliminal messages to everyone who follows you, letting them know just how upset you are. It’s a cry for attention and no one really cares in the way you want. Stop.
  2.  No flirting. It’s tacky and disrespectful.
  3. Don’t exchange private messages with someone you are attracted to or who is attracted to you. JUST DON’T. Even if you are just talking about apples and oranges. DON’T. If they message you and you just have to respond, respond publicly. For example, if someone messages you on Facebook saying, “I really miss you, you looked great last night.” You should respond on their wall saying something along the lines of “That’s great of you to say, hope all is well.” The person will/should get the hint. If they don’t, cease communication.
  4. No almost naked pics. Believe it or not, your grandchildren will have access to everything you post someday. Show some class, not your ass.
  5. BE RESPONSIBLE! You ultimately know what is and is not appropriate.

As long as both parties are following these guidelines, there is no reason why two people can’t enjoy social media while in a relationship. If a significant other is using social media the correct way and their partner still has a problem, then there may be another issue.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

Dear Social Media Effing Things Up,

Social media in relationships…where do we begin. I would love to say “exercise common sense”, but it seems like appropriate social media behavior isn’t very common.

I’m a social media junkie — Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn — you name it, I’m using it or have at least given it a try. The whole tech space is very interesting and the ability to connect with just about anyone is pretty damn awesome. While I would agree social media is a powerful connection tool, it is also a powerful destruction tool.

Social media gives us the complete freedom of talking to whomever, whenever, wherever INSTANTLY. And within this instants, we can spark up a conversation with that one person we shouldn’t be messaging or share pictures hoping no one screen shots their Snapchat. Why do we these things? Fun? Bored? Lonely? Validation? The list is endless. Regardless the reasons, social media shouldn’t end your relationships (unless of course the actions were extra reckless). If you have some concerns with your significant other’s social media behavior, it may be time for a little conversation.

But before you decide to open the floor for conversation — make sure your reasons are solid. If you snooped on their stuff and found something you didn’t like, that’s all on you.

Cheers!

Mr. J

 

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I’m In Love With A Stripper

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am in a new relationship. We have been dating for about 4 months now. My bf has a past of being a ladies’ man and male dancer. Of course, this was something he mentioned after we had been dating for 3 months. Anyways, on his social media at least before we met, he would have pictures shirtless and showing his tats. I guess what you would expect a male stripper to have which women commenting.

When I first added him on Instagram (IG), I mentioned his postings to him over the phone and he laughed it off. Based off his posts and who he is in real life, it almost seemed like a completely different person. Now since he met me, all that has changed and his hyper sexualized pics and sayings on IG stopped . Now on his IG, majority of his pics are of us or he’ll have pictures of me. He’s friends will like it and so will the ladies… He def acknowledges me on this social media sites. So… as a woman I see him doing all the right things and putting in effort to make the relationship work. He has changed 360 and everyone who knows him can tell. We are now saying the “L” word and I am in love with him. His past is what I’m working on trying to accept because I am a traditional type of girlfriend. Plus it’s just strange to think I’m in love with a former stripper o.0 . I wonder if he really did change sincerely.

Enough of the back story, Ok so the reason why I need your advice is, that I asked for the password to his Facebook. I just feel like he’s living this double life and I don’t know about. He asked for mine and I gave him mine. Last night I did a little snooping and though there wasn’t any recent flirting going on… I saw a lot of messages with random women and A lot of FLIRTING. Now today when I tried to log on his FB, he changed the password. To me, that says red flag. I just don’t see why a person would do that? Is he really who he says he is? Should I really trust a person 100% when he was a male dancer and flexed his body all over the internet? I just want to feel like I know him 100%… who he was before he met me. I don’t know I’m so infatuated with knowing but I just don’t want to get hurt.

Sincerely,

Miss Is He True??

A: Dear I Need To Snoop In Order To Trust,

Your man was male stripper. You either accept it, or you don’t. I will say, it is a bit unfair he waited so long to tell you. I think that’s important information to have when getting in a relationship. Not because you need to know in order to judge him, but because you need to decide whether or not that’s something you can handle from the beginning.  I am not going to lie and say I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you right away; he has probably had his fair share of girls who have run for the hills after he shared his occupation.

Now onto your question, snooping through his social media is not going to give you a look into his soul. It is not going to help you know him 100% anymore than looking into his left shoe would. It will however, invade his privacy and cause unnecessary issues. Think about it, did it really help your relationship to see all his old messages of him flirting with other women? Every woman has snooped before, but to ask to have permanent access to his page is intrusive. It’s not shady that he changed his password on you; he did not have to give it to you in the first place.

The only way to know someone “100%” on a relationship level is if they are open with you and you are open with them. It also requires trust, which you are lacking. Trust is a risk, hence why a lot of people have trust issues. Like any risk, sometimes the leap of faith you take rewards you and other times it comes back to bite you in the a**. Your choice.

Love,

Miss J

Dear In Love With A Former Male Stripper,

When I read the opening three sentences of this question, I just knew I was going to be in for a good surprise. I was waiting for you to say that you caught him stripping at a private party and all hell broke loose! Though this story didn’t end in a plot fitting for a Hollywood movie, your experience with social media causing problems in a relationship is widely shared.

Social media is the gateway to the world. It’s home to endless conversations and debates connecting people all with a simple click. It’s power is notorious. One #hashtag can connect millions of people who otherwise may have never been connected. For all the reasons social media is good, it can also land us in hot water. Employers are checking our accounts during the hiring process, law enforcement monitors it for clues that may solve a crime, sponsors are dropping their clients for saying too much; the list goes on.

While these cases carry a much stronger effect, the freedom of connecting to just about anyone can tempt even the strongest to engage in some “flirty” conversations. I’m not here to defend or provide a cop-out for those participating in such conversations; I’m only here to recommend using caution when engaging on your social media accounts. With all that said, our social media accounts are OUR accounts and asking another for their password to “do a little snooping” is out of line. Momma always said if you go looking for trouble, you will surely find it. If him changing his password is a red flag, what would you call yourself asking for his password?

Miss J and I have been together over 5 years and neither of us have ever asked for the passwords to each other’s personal accounts. We respect each other’s space and understand the importance of having things that are your own. If you are having difficulty accepting and trusting his past, there isn’t much he can do to change your mind. You willfully made the decision to date a former stripper; consequently, you are going to have deal with some things you may not like.

Freedom of choice is the beauty of life. Each choice yields a different result; it’s on us to decide what we are willing or unwilling to accept.

Love,

Mr. J

 

© LoveJays 2013

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Fixing our Focus

As media firestorms continue to take over the front page news and the internet, I can’t help but continually ask myself “Why?”. Negative story after negative. Silly questions flying off reporter’s tongues. Precious time wasted trying to uncover the “wrong-doings” of another. Why do we as a country salivate on the manipulation, harassment, embarrassment, and humiliation of others? Why is Manti Te’o still being talked about in the news? Why are people still questioning if President Obama is a U.S. citizen? Why is TMZ the most popular news source? Why, oh why, must we focus our attention in all the wrong places?

Distraction.

Distraction is the one action that could hold us back from obtaining and achieving everything we want in life. Friends, television shows, parties, sleep, cell phones, sporting events, jobs…you name it and I’m willing to bet these have served as a distraction in our lives. Our generation is buzzing 24/7 – Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Reddit – our itch to stay relative on what’s hot constantly steals our attention. When we get a chance to lookup…hours, days, weeks or months have passed and we haven’t much to show.

Distraction.

Distraction is a synonym for destruction. If we allow ourselves to continually lose focus on the dreams we want to achieve, the friend we want to become or the man we want to represent, we will slowly find ourselves looking up and questioning how we ended up at this destination. The place we land may not appear to have cracks in the floor, dirt on the walls or dust on the furniture, but anytime we fall short of the place we are destined to occupy, we have shortchanged ourselves.

Distraction.

We can no longer afford distraction to consume our lives. We have too many talents and too much drive to let the world around us prevent us from living out our purpose. What is distracting you? More importantly, who is distracting you? Are you willing to clear the white noise from your life and focus on what you love?

If you are willing, I’m ready to ride with you. I’m not perfect and I’m distracted all the time. I write this post not just for you, but for us. I need some people to ride shotgun in my vehicle to success. I can’t do it alone. Grab the keys and let’s readjust or focus. 

Looking forward to an amazing drive.

Love,

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2013

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After the 3rd Date

Q: Hello Love Jays,

I recently met this girl about 3 months ago and we have went on 3 dates since that time which have all gone very well in my opinion. The first time we spent together was at Disneyland for about 8 hours where we had great conversation getting to know and learn the basics of each other. We were both enjoying the time together being very comfortable and laughing with one another. Conversation never seemed to be awkward or at a standstill. She was excited and wanted to take tons of photos and tag us together on her social media outlets. I paid for dinner and any other snack/foods we enjoyed since I invited her out. Towards the later part of the night she was latching onto my arms as we walked through the park, which I thought was a good sign. I dropped her off at home where we said good night and she ended by saying, “lets hang out again ASAP.”

We texted back and forth here and there and a little over a week later we went out to dinner at Yard House where things picked up from where they had left off from the last time we were together. We were beginning to talk about things with a bit more depth but never an awkward moment. Post dinner we went and painted at Color Me Mine just to do something out of the ordinary. Once again I paid for dinner and Color Me Mine. Stopped for dessert and eventually took her home again and the night ended at a positive tone once again. Never once felt like I had to make a move, because I felt she showed signs she was interested and didn’t want to potentially mess anything up.

Another week or so passes and this time I came up with the idea to drive down to San Diego from Orange County to catch the musical “Wicked.” This time the evening was verbally proposed as a date by me as I brought her flowers and we were a little more dressed up for the occasion. She loved the flowers and we were both very complimentary about each others attire and receptive of the compliments. Intermission of the show, she was very into taking photos together once again to share with her friends and social media. Lights go down for the second half of the show where she now is sitting closer to me. I thought by this time i’d attempt to hold her hand to see how she responded which would give me a better feeling where we stood. We held hands for about a second until she pulled back and said “not now.” I didn’t think too much of it and the night went on and she enjoyed the show. The drive back was a bit more quiet and I felt a sense of weirdness so I openly told her, “I am sorry if it was awkward that I tried to hold your hand.” She responded saying, “it’s okay don’t worry about, lets not talk about. lets talk about something else.” This threw me off that she completely deflected the question because I felt this was the opportunity to talk about where we stood.

At this point I felt I had invested a lot at this time towards this potential relationship and wanted to know if I should continue pursuing or back off. After dropping her off and giving each other a good night hug I said to her sincerely, “let me know what’s up, because I don’t want to waste your time.” Basically putting the ball in her court to decide what would be next. I have yet to hear from her. Which has been about 4 days.

My question to you Love Jays is where do you think she stands? Why were all the signs saying she was interested but after our 3rd “date” I felt we took steps back. Did I move too quick with the hand holding? Why might she have deflected the question in the car? Where should I go from here?

Thanks!

A: Dear 3rd Date Disruption:

I’m just going to jump straight into this question and answer it with the classic two words we hated seeing as a child: Game Over.

I wish I could whip-up some magical potion and deliver some better news, but from the looks of the situation, it seems the other player in the game may not be willing to move your friend-relationship to the next level. All the signs in the beginning were pointing forward for a reason – you didn’t make a move! But guess what…you should have made a move! For goodness sake, it had been 3 months and you did everything right. In my 23 years of living, I have not once waited 3 months without attempting to make-a-move (don’t judge me – I like the physical aspect of relationships). And in your case: hand holding?? C’mon now!

Keep your head up high and realize you are not the person to blame for the awkwardness. You threw the bait – she let it drop. In the words of Jay-Z, “On to the next one!”

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Wicked 3rd Date,

I think I am going to go ahead and say leave it alone. You did the right thing by leaving the ball in her court. She is obviously having some feelings that she is not communicating with you, nor does she have any interest in communicating those feelings anytime soon. You opened the door for her and she didn’t step through. Leave it at that. From the first and second date it seems she wanted physical contact on her terms, maybe she is just trying to have fun. I understand she even included you on her social media pages, but let those thoughts go. Pay attention to the now. If she shows interest in you it is fun and enjoyable, if you show interest in her it has the potential to get serious and maybe she is not ready for that. Ask yourself some questions like what was her last relationship like? Why might she have some hesitation when it comes to male initiated contact? She could have been in a bad relationship, or she could just not be there yet. In any case as long as she is not willing to communicate with you as to what the deal is you have no choice but to step back. In the mean time I want you to ponder this, do you really want to move forward with someone whose style of communicating is to shut down and retreat? The answer may be yes and it may be no, Just food for thought. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012