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Celibacy: Cause and Effect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Mr. J mentioned in one of his answers that the two of you were trying to practice celibacy. I was just wondering how that’s going for you guys as a couple and as individuals how has it impacted your relationship? Good or bad? Is it a good idea for others in committed relationships to try?

A: Dear Road to Celibacy,

Sexual intercourse is one of the strongest motivators and communication medium for young people. Our over sexualized society has subconsciously triggered the mind into believing that sex is one of the best ways to express our feelings and love for someone. It’s glamorized in every advertisement and its influence has trickled down to kids in elementary school. The act of sex is no longer looked upon as something sacred and beautiful between two people; it’s just part of the routine in everyday life.

And guess what? Miss J and I were wrapped up in that mindset for 4+ years of our relationship. I laughed at friends who practiced celibacy and never entertained the idea – I couldn’t imagine life without sex. It was the center of conversation when talking with the guys, it “helped” me communicate with Miss J better, it gave me confidence and made me feel good…why would I want to give it up?

In May 2012, I arrived at Miss J’s apartment and she was suspiciously sitting down on her bed. She had one of those “We need to talk” looks and I quickly ran through my rolodex of memories to see if I had done anything wrong. I knew I hadn’t, but it’s something about that look that will make any man panic. I joined her on the bed; she started smiling (much to my relief) and asked my opinions on practicing celibacy.

Sidebar: I started having similar thoughts about celibacy about two months prior to Miss J bringing it up, but I never had the courage to talk with Miss J about it. The thoughts went against everything I practiced and understood. So, I kept my mouth quiet and prayed it wouldn’t come up. Guess that didn’t work! Back to the story.

I immediately started chuckling and shared with her the thoughts I was having a few months prior. We talked about it for a couple of minutes and decided we would try it for forty days. No sex (all components). Nothing.

Long story short, forty days went by and the two of us noticed a positive shift in our relationship. We were communicating more effectively; our feelings for each other grew stronger; we enjoyed just sitting together and talking; cuddling and kissing never felt more passionate – everything had changed! The removal of sex opened doors in our relationship we never knew existed and our overall happiness and well-being improved. As a result, Miss J and I decided to take our forty day commitment to the next level and took a vow to remain celibate until we are married.

Five-months have quickly passed since we engaged in any sexual activity and our relationship is continuing to thrive. Sex still crosses our minds (we are human), but the urge to fall into temptation is virtually non-existent. We have ridded ourselves from the biggest distraction and we are seeing life through clearer lenses. I would definitely recommend celibacy for any couple who has considered practicing it, but be sure to make the commitment as a couple, not as individuals.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Curious About Celibacy,

Mr. J and I have always had a wonderful chemistry and a crazy sexual attraction towards one another. So when I was washing dishes in May and heard God say (clear as day) “You need to stop having sex” I almost shattered a dish. All I could think was “crap”.

I have always said it is not about religion, it is about relationship. I understood it was not a religious demand right away. It sounded more like “It’s in your best interest”. I immediately thought of how Mr. J would react and then I heard “It’s going to be easier than you think”. Turns out God was right, as usual.

I told Mr. J my thoughts and he started laughing and looked up and said “you got me”, I told him it was not my idea and he said he knew that because the same thing had been placed on his spirit, but he was not going to be the one to bring it up. *cue sigh of relief*

Originally we decided to commit to celibacy for 40 days, but it became apparent a couple of weeks later it was going to be much longer than that.

It’s really hard to verbalize what has changed in our relationship. Yes of course the way we are intimate has changed. Hearing his voice is intoxicating, hugging is tantalizing and cuddling is better than any pleasure sex could bring-Basically you become easy to please.  Beyond that, our spiritual connection to one another is unbelievable. I thought we were on the same page before, but that was kid stuff.

Mr. J told me one day that he “lust for my soul”, I laughed until I realized he was completely serious and I felt the same way. I know it sounds nauseating, but a higher level of love and understanding does exist. I would never have guessed the mere removal of sex would let me experience all of the things I am now experiencing in our relationship, but here we are! When you take a step back from what your body wants you become more in tune with what you really need.

Through celibacy I have discovered I really can marry Mr. J because there is a lot of substance there minus the sex. I don’t distrust that our foundation has been there all along, but I do not know if I would have seen it and because of that I may have had doubts.

I would recommend celibacy to anyone who is curious and wants to try it. I don’t know if it is for everyone, but it is definitely worth trying. Like I said, words can’t do justice to what it has done for us. It really is something you have to experience to get the full picture!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Playing the Field

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Is it okay I’m dating one guy (we aren’t exclusive) and sleeping with another?

A: Dear Double Dippin’,

Non-exclusive dating gives you the freedom to date, sleep, or hang out with anyone your little heart desires. Dating is a time when you get to explore several options and decide which person (if any) has the potential of becoming more serious.

So, is it okay that you’re dating one and sleeping with another? Technically, yes. Would I recommend continuing this behavior? No. Sex embodies much more emotions than just the physical exchanges of pleasure between our “money spots”. Sex was designed to be shared between two people who are committed to each other and share something special. Casually having sex with people will eventually take its toll on the mental psyche of woman or man. I’m sure there are several of you who want to rebuttal my last statement, but rest assured – you will have your “aha” moment one day. Long story short, sex simply makes things complicated – physically and emotionally.

Easy advice – pick one and stick to ‘em! It’s much much easier to focus your attention on one person and will save you from emotional damage, even if you are unaware of it at this moment.. If you get bored of him, on to the next one. That’s the beauty of dating!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Boyfriend #2, 

You are in the clear if you and both (or how ever many) men have agreed to the “non-exclusive clause”; however if anyone is under the impression you are just dating and/or sleeping with them you need to either have a conversation or drop whoever is just there for your disposal.

I want to get to the reason WHY you are asking.If you felt it was ok ,chances are you would not have to ask. The real question is, are YOU ok with sleeping with one guy and dating another? Women are emotional creatures, though things may be fun now maybe you are starting to subconsciously notice the balancing act is taking a toll on you.

If you are starting to question yourself maybe take a step back and determine which of the men, if any, you want to be with. If you are not questioning yourself at all and you truly just want the answer to this question I would say it’s ok if you are ok.

Best of luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2012

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How Fast is Too Fast?

Q: Dear Love Jays,
How fast is too fast to have sex?

A: Dear Fast Lane:

Sex is an intimate act that should be shared exclusively for two people who genuinely love and care for each other. Unfortunately, sex has become the understood way of communicating how we feel for another person. We sometimes struggle to articulate our feelings through words or actions, so we use sex to help us express how we feel inside.

Miss J and I are an open book when it comes to our relationship, so I’m going to share something very personal. Miss J and I were sexually active throughout our entire relationship (4+ years), until God placed it on our hearts to try celibacy a few months ago. I vividly remember when the thought first crossed my mind, yet my selfishness refused to bring it up. About 2 weeks later, Miss J sat me down and proposed we remain celibate for 40 days. Our 40 days ended on July 14 and we have continued on our celibacy path until we get married. The last 3 months has forced me to find new ways of expressing my love to Miss J and most importantly, it makes my mind and spirit feel at peace.

I’m sure celibacy is out of the question for many of you, so if you decide to have sex, I strongly encourage you to analyze your level of commitment to the person and act accordingly. Believe it or not, sex complicates more than it helps us to understand. Trust the feelings in your heart and do what you feel is right!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear How Will I know, 

I do believe this is our very first sex question…Thanks for bringing it up!

Sex is not to be taken lightly; although television, music, and pop culture suggests otherwise. A little while back I may have told you to wait at least 3 dates, or when you feel comfortable. Sex is now categorized as a casual and necessary thing to do no matter what your status is. It allows for things such as the “three date rule” to exist, and the porn industry to thrive in a time of economic turmoil. All the while we are all sitting around like it is completely normal and acceptable. I was in the same bubble up until a couple of months ago and let me tell you, boy have my eyes have been opened!

The three date rule is accepted as a solid answer to the ‘when to have sex question’ because of three things:

1. As a man: you have now spent money and time with a female 3 times, she owes you.

2. As a woman: a man has now spent money and time with you 3 times, you owe him.

3. You are both unbelievably horny by this point.

The list may make sense to you but I challenge you to wait even longer. I know celibacy is not for everyone, I am not even going to go there. What I will say is  wait until you really get to know the person. Give time for you both to become invested to the point you both care about the other person’s well-being (emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually). Yes, I am aware that will take TIME and a lot of WORK ;hence why I said INVEST. Without sex you will discover quickly whether or not a person is worth getting to know beneath the surface.

So there you have it, it’s too fast if there is no investment. And remember, you are worth the investment too!

Good luck,

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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How Quickly Do Men Think of the “Future”

Happy August Family!

Can you believe we are already starting the 8th month of 2012? I still remember bringing in the New Year with the lovely Miss J, my brother and a few of his friends down in Pasadena, CA like it was yesterday! Not to mention the atrocious beard I was rockin’ – I’m sure it would have made James Harden cringe. Yes, it was that bad. Guess that is what happens when you take “No Shave November” too far. Don’t’ worry, I have learned my lesson.

Last week, the Love Jays received a question that only warranted a man’s opinion. Here is the question:

“Patience. I have to setup the question(s). Most women, some will deny this, will meet a guy and in their minds immediately jump to the future or to some label (i.e. boyfriend, husband, baby daddy). “The future” can be multiple scenarios. But women decide if this person is worth their time. Imaginary long-term possibilities are explored within minutes of the initial encounter. Do men do the same? If not, at what point do men label or explore/decide on the future potential of women? What makes THAT woman stand out in the millions you meet.”

Side bar: For all the women reading this post who play out similar scenarios, bless your little heart. I send my sincerest regards to your emotions and brain for having to deal with such calculations.

Let’s sum this answer up quickly – absolutely not. Upon meeting a woman, the first and typically only thing men are thinking about is satisfying the physical desire that is burning in both of our heads. Pun intended. Moving on. I wish I could sit here and defend the stereotypes hurled against men for caring too much about the physical, but the harsh reality is that most men aren’t thinking anything about “the next steps” until many days, weeks or even months down the line.

Men are physical creatures. We are naturally aroused when we see an attractive women. It’s in our genetics. We don’t control it. As a result, the animalistic nature inside of us takes over and we quickly decipher if we should attempt to swing for the fences or stay in the dugout and cheer from a distance. Now of course, not all men think or act this way. There are some gentleman left in this world who suppress their natural urges and rationally sift through their mental checklist to decide if you are “future material” relatively quickly.

Some advice going forward – embrace the mindset that all men are only concerned about satisfying themselves. Call our bluff. Force us to play a different hand. We love to be challenged and love when a woman offers something different. A confident, strong and intelligent woman will have a man running in circles trying to make you his future!

You want a man to think about the future quicker? Change the game! The ball is in your court. We are the greatest puppets in the world!

What has been your experience LoveJays fam? How do you get men to think about the future quicker? Fellas, agree or disagree? Let’s discuss it!

Peace and Blessings,

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2012