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Below Average Sex

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Can you maintain a healthy relationship if the sex is terrible?

A: Dear It’s just not good,

If you are in a relationship and sex is an active ingredient, it will be very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship for a long period of time. Sex is the way our body communicates our feelings for another, good or bad. We have all had those intimate moments when our feelings are running high and the intimacy level is off the chart, yet we have also had those terrible moments when our head just isn’t in the right place and the sex is well below average.

Though it is not the only way of expressing our feelings, sexual intercourse definitely plays a strong part of maintaining intimacy. If you aren’t having sexual intercourse, you have found others ways to be intimate with each other, but once the leap is made, it’s our responsibility to treat our partner correctly. Some may suggest that we can teach them how to “sex us”, but if both aren’t emotionally and physically rocking to the same beat, it’s bound to collapse at some point. Let’s not forget about sex drive, either. If you are always ready to hit the sheets, yet it’s like pulling teeth to convince your partner to join…the relationships will slowly break apart.

It’s important to discover your feelings about sex and communicate it openly and honestly with your partner. If you’re not very good, let them know. If you don’t care for it too much, share that information too! Once everything is in the open, each can decide what route to take next!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Close but No Cigar,

Is it possible to maintain a healthy relationship with bad sex? Sure. Is it likely you will be able to maintain a healthy relationship for an extended amount of time? Probably not.

When a couple decides to get physical, sex is high on the “needs to satisfy” list. Bad sex is just not satisfying. Period. Of course you can always attempt to teach your partner what it is exactly that satisfies you. If they can keep up, great; but if not… well…

As a woman I can say (for the most part) sex is an emotional act. We correlate the quality of sex with the intensity of a man’s deep desire to love/want us. Everyone is allowed an off day, but if it’s consistently bad that could be a sign. Think of your body as a puzzle, some pieces fit together perfectly and others don’t fit at all because they belong to another piece. Your partner may not be “bad” per say, they just might not be compatible with you. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

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A Broken Engagement and A Broken Heart

Q: Dear Love Jays,
Hi, thank you guys for your great advice. I’m here once again for more advice. I was engaged and in love, but he happened to be a very jealous and controlling boyfriend. I thought that things would have gotten better after I told him how I felt and how I wanted us to have a healthy relationship. Things got extremely bad. 🙁 . A few weeks later, I found out he had profiles on more than 5 hook up (sexual) sites. I couldn’t believe it. It broke my heart. I called the wedding off and we’re no longer together. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me but he’s already posted ads to hook up with girls and have one night stands. Its like, did I ever mean anything to him? The worst part of all is that I still care for him and I miss him. I’m scared that years from now I’ll regret leaving him. Am I wrong to feel and think this way?

A: Dear My ex-fiancé was controlling, jealous and posted ads to have one night stands with other women, yet I miss him and may regret leaving him,

I’m going to keep this real brief – respect yourself.

You were in love. You were engaged to be married. You committed 5 years of your life. It’s hard and it’s not fair, but you owe yourself the opportunity to be loved, respected, and admired by someone who truly understands the meanings of those words. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed that you still care and love him – be encouraged at your power to love even when someone hasn’t given you any reason to love them. Imagine the love you will demonstrate towards the person who loves you just the same?

You must stand firm on your two feet and boldly proclaim and understand your worth! Fall back in love with you. Learn from your mistakes. Grow wiser. Smile. Change is patiently awaiting.

Fear is crippling and will prevent even the strongest people from moving forward, but those who conquer fear usually never regret it.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Am I Going to Regret This?,  

I am willing to bet years from now, if you had not left him, you would regret staying. Give yourself some credit and trust your first instinct. Your gut told you that you were better than how he was treating you and you deserve better. Guess what? Your gut was right!

Men like that know how to manipulate you; of course he is still telling you he loves you. He even may think that he does. But ask yourself this, is the way he loves you/is capable of loving you well enough for you? The answer is no. Every woman worth her grit deserves more than that.

It is normal for you to still have feelings for him, after all you were engaged. Try not to confuse your feelings of loss with regret. Sometimes those feelings do go hand in hand, but in this case you dodged a bullet. You could have ended up spending the rest of your life dealing with issues like this, but instead you broke it off and the possibilities of finding a genuine and healthy love are endless.

So, will you regret choosing happiness? Doubtful. Hang in there and stay strong! 🙂 

Love, 

Miss J 

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In your Dreams

 Q: Dear Love Jays,

What does it mean to dream about your girlfriend cheating on you? So for at least a year, maybe more, I have had terrible dreams about my girlfriend cheating on me. There are a few recurring similarities in my dreams. Like I always walk in on her cheating. Either I walk into my house and see them or someone tells me in my dream that they think something is going on so I go to the persons house I think she is cheating  on me with and I catch them. Also in all of my dreams somehow I am always hindered. Like usually I feel super weak. And I’ll try to hit the guy but I’m super super weak and I can’t move very fast and I feel like all the strength has left my body. Sort of like I ran just ran few miles. In my most recent dream I was unable to talk. My voice was a super faint whisper and people could barely hear me. In some dreams I get mad and I want to fight but I can’t because of one of the things I just listed. This is what I expect my actual reaction would be, to fight. But I also have ones where I break down and cry in the dreams. (which isn’t like me at all) and in these dreams I’m like the most upset I could ever be.I cry a lot and ask her how could she do this to me?  In all of my dreams my girlfriend feels absolutely no remorse and she throws it in my face. She  tells me oh well. (this also is NOTHING like my girlfriend) last but not least all of the people she is cheating on me with, we both know somehow. Usually it is her ex-boyfriends. But the last time it was her cousin (and he is one of my close friends) and It has been a few other of my friends. But these friends of mine I 100% trust with gf. So if anyone could help me out I would really appreciate it. It has been goin on for probably about a year. My girlfriend and me have been together just over 3 years.

A: Dear Dreams that make you Scream,

We decided to answer this question together.

We have both, on separate occasions, have had dreams of the other cheating and had no idea where the dreams stemmed from seeing as neither one of us had a reason to distrust the other. This being the case we decided to google it (genius we know) and this is what we found:

Cheating 
To dream that you are cheating on your spouse, mate, fiance, or significant other suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You may have compromised your beliefs or integrity and/or wasting your energy and time on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, cheating dreams reflect the intensity of your sexual passion; you are exploring areas of your sexuality. In this scenario, the dream may actually serve as a reaffirmation of your commitment. Furthermore, if you are approaching your own wedding date, then it is not uncommon to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than your intended spouse. Most likely, such a dream represents the newness of your sexual passion. It may also signify anxieties of changing your identity – that of a spouse.

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are subconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truthful or is not fully committed in the relationship.

To dream that your friend is being cheated on indicates your subconscious dislike for his/her significant other. You think your friend deserves to be treated better.

To dream that you are cheating at a game suggests that you are not being honest with yourself. You feel inadequate and insecure.

We are not saying this is definitely what your dreams mean, but it’s a good start if you are looking to interpret your dreams. For more dream interpretations click here.

Hope this helps! 

Love, 

J&J 

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The Dating Game

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Q: Dear Love Jays,

So I really just need to start dating and meeting new people. I’ve been going out and exchanging numbers BUT I don’t know what to do next. How soon is too soon to text them? or should I not at all? what do you say? cause I hate those text that go nowhere like “what’s up” blahhh idk…any advice?

A: Dear Meaningless Text Conversations,

Meeting new people always proves to be interesting. We typically plan on looking our best when going out to places where a potential prospect could be awaiting, but we really never know when we may meet someone who strikes our eye. The spontaneity of engaging with someone random seems to remove the awkwardness and allow both people to just be themselves – no facades or planned out strategies. I’m an avid people lover who is notorious for talking to anyone willing to entertain my foolishness; surprisingly, most of the engagements are fun and have resulted in great friendships.

My point? Stop trying to plan ways of meeting and dating new people. Focus your energy into discovering new things about yourself – interests, hobbies, movies, books, food, etc. It’s very easy to ignore ourselves en route to seeking companionship. As we learn more about ourselves, our confidence, happiness and personal well-being elevate and others will notice. Next thing you know…BOOM! People are coming out the woowork trying to learn more about you. Good things always come when we least expect it, so pump your brakes and ride slow.

In regards to your actual question, dial the number and have a verbal conversation! Texting should be reserved for it’s intended purpose – short messaging service (SMS). If you truly want to get to know someone, emoticons and abbreviated language isn’t the best way. Using a phone in 2012 to talk is a foreign concept, but I feel a revolution coming…at least I hope. Cheers!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 A: Dear Any Advice,

Congrats on making the decision to get out there and meet new people. You are one step closer to making things happen.

The dating game is tricky and I am in no way an expert. You sound like you want to skip the small talk and go straight for the dating; in a nutshell, you mean business. The only problem with that equation is that it takes two to tango. What type of places are you going? Are you giving your number out at the club or at the local coffee shop?

Chances are if you are giving your number out at a place where you can’t really talk to a person than you are going to get lame text messages with an unbearable amount of small talk. At a setting like “da club” you may not find a “deep” connection. You will get a lot of surface level interaction while there and that surface level of “getting to know you” will continue afterwards. Most people in that type of social setting are looking for more of a short-term good time than they are love….typically.

With that said, if you are going to a poetry night or even a game of some sort your chances of making a deeper connection are better. Not only are you meeting people with similar interest that you will have something other than “what’s up” to say to them, but you will more than likely have a conversation to pick up from.

As far as the ‘how long do you wait’ question… I have no idea! If you are a woman I would say a man will probably contact you if he is really interested and if you are a man I would say don’t wait longer than 2 days. Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

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Celibacy: Cause and Effect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Mr. J mentioned in one of his answers that the two of you were trying to practice celibacy. I was just wondering how that’s going for you guys as a couple and as individuals how has it impacted your relationship? Good or bad? Is it a good idea for others in committed relationships to try?

A: Dear Road to Celibacy,

Sexual intercourse is one of the strongest motivators and communication medium for young people. Our over sexualized society has subconsciously triggered the mind into believing that sex is one of the best ways to express our feelings and love for someone. It’s glamorized in every advertisement and its influence has trickled down to kids in elementary school. The act of sex is no longer looked upon as something sacred and beautiful between two people; it’s just part of the routine in everyday life.

And guess what? Miss J and I were wrapped up in that mindset for 4+ years of our relationship. I laughed at friends who practiced celibacy and never entertained the idea – I couldn’t imagine life without sex. It was the center of conversation when talking with the guys, it “helped” me communicate with Miss J better, it gave me confidence and made me feel good…why would I want to give it up?

In May 2012, I arrived at Miss J’s apartment and she was suspiciously sitting down on her bed. She had one of those “We need to talk” looks and I quickly ran through my rolodex of memories to see if I had done anything wrong. I knew I hadn’t, but it’s something about that look that will make any man panic. I joined her on the bed; she started smiling (much to my relief) and asked my opinions on practicing celibacy.

Sidebar: I started having similar thoughts about celibacy about two months prior to Miss J bringing it up, but I never had the courage to talk with Miss J about it. The thoughts went against everything I practiced and understood. So, I kept my mouth quiet and prayed it wouldn’t come up. Guess that didn’t work! Back to the story.

I immediately started chuckling and shared with her the thoughts I was having a few months prior. We talked about it for a couple of minutes and decided we would try it for forty days. No sex (all components). Nothing.

Long story short, forty days went by and the two of us noticed a positive shift in our relationship. We were communicating more effectively; our feelings for each other grew stronger; we enjoyed just sitting together and talking; cuddling and kissing never felt more passionate – everything had changed! The removal of sex opened doors in our relationship we never knew existed and our overall happiness and well-being improved. As a result, Miss J and I decided to take our forty day commitment to the next level and took a vow to remain celibate until we are married.

Five-months have quickly passed since we engaged in any sexual activity and our relationship is continuing to thrive. Sex still crosses our minds (we are human), but the urge to fall into temptation is virtually non-existent. We have ridded ourselves from the biggest distraction and we are seeing life through clearer lenses. I would definitely recommend celibacy for any couple who has considered practicing it, but be sure to make the commitment as a couple, not as individuals.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Curious About Celibacy,

Mr. J and I have always had a wonderful chemistry and a crazy sexual attraction towards one another. So when I was washing dishes in May and heard God say (clear as day) “You need to stop having sex” I almost shattered a dish. All I could think was “crap”.

I have always said it is not about religion, it is about relationship. I understood it was not a religious demand right away. It sounded more like “It’s in your best interest”. I immediately thought of how Mr. J would react and then I heard “It’s going to be easier than you think”. Turns out God was right, as usual.

I told Mr. J my thoughts and he started laughing and looked up and said “you got me”, I told him it was not my idea and he said he knew that because the same thing had been placed on his spirit, but he was not going to be the one to bring it up. *cue sigh of relief*

Originally we decided to commit to celibacy for 40 days, but it became apparent a couple of weeks later it was going to be much longer than that.

It’s really hard to verbalize what has changed in our relationship. Yes of course the way we are intimate has changed. Hearing his voice is intoxicating, hugging is tantalizing and cuddling is better than any pleasure sex could bring-Basically you become easy to please.  Beyond that, our spiritual connection to one another is unbelievable. I thought we were on the same page before, but that was kid stuff.

Mr. J told me one day that he “lust for my soul”, I laughed until I realized he was completely serious and I felt the same way. I know it sounds nauseating, but a higher level of love and understanding does exist. I would never have guessed the mere removal of sex would let me experience all of the things I am now experiencing in our relationship, but here we are! When you take a step back from what your body wants you become more in tune with what you really need.

Through celibacy I have discovered I really can marry Mr. J because there is a lot of substance there minus the sex. I don’t distrust that our foundation has been there all along, but I do not know if I would have seen it and because of that I may have had doubts.

I would recommend celibacy to anyone who is curious and wants to try it. I don’t know if it is for everyone, but it is definitely worth trying. Like I said, words can’t do justice to what it has done for us. It really is something you have to experience to get the full picture!

Love,

Miss J

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Industry X

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What is your stance on porn?

A: Dear X-Rated,

Porn as industry is causing much more harm than good – if any. Throughout my adolescent and teenage years, I was consuming porn several days a week. I first starting viewing it out of sheer curiosity, but then it became a habit. I attended an all-boys high school, so my only true outlet (up until I received my driver’s license) in satisfying my sexual appetite was through the internet. When I left for college, my consumption of porn dropped significantly, but I would still watch it a few times a month. Fast forward to today – I have given up porn completely and couldn’t be happier with my decision.

Aside from the COMPLETE degradation of women, porn take a subconscious grip of your mind and influences our actions. The way I viewed women, spoke to women, thought about women – it was primarily negative. Porn wasn’t the only factor in influencing these actions, but it definitely played a strong part. As I have become older, my views towards women have shifted dramatically and I can no longer seek to inspire and uplift young people while simultaneously subjecting myself to the enjoyment of porn.

I do not judge nor have ill-feelings towards anyone who consumes porn. I would challenge all of the men to hold themselves with higher regard and have more respect for women – and most importantly, yourself. And to the ladies who allow men to strip you of your self worth – realize the beauty and power you possess inside. No amounts of money or fame can ever fill the void of losing yourself.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Interesting Question, 

This is such a short, but loaded question. I will give you a short and hopefully less loaded answer. 

I don’t have any strong feelings in regards to porn. I would not encourage it, but I would not frown upon someone who watches it in their own time. 

When it comes to porn and relationships it is important to find out how your significant other feels about you watching it alone, you watching it together and/or them watching it alone. If it starts to interfere with your intimate time with your partner then chances are there is a larger problem. Nothing is good in excess. 

Love, 

Miss J 

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