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Unhappily Single

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My friend is almost 30 and has been single basically always. That would be fine except he desperately wants someone special in his life and is very unhappy being single at his age. He won’t approach girls he finds attractive, he has very high ideals of what he wants and he always finds flaws. What advice could I give him? It just seems like a lost cause…..

Q: Dear Unhappily Single,

We all have standards. We all want the best. Hell, we even think we are the best! Though it’s nice to stroke the ego from time to time, we must understand perfection isn’t humanly attainable and flaws are part of our makeup. We are perfectly imperfect.

And guess what? It’s good to be imperfect! Our imperfections separate us from everyone else in the world. There are millions of attractive, unattractive, happy, unhappy, tall, short, slim, round, black, white people in the world, but each one has their own story completely unique to themselves and someone loves, cares, and appreciates them.

Walking around trying to fit everyone in a box will not happen, so I would challenge your friend to expand his thought process, be more receptive to differences, and remove the lenses blurring his vision from seeing the happiness of life. I’d be willing to bet there have been many women who have crossed his path that could have easily been his girlfriend, but sometimes our own perceptions ruin great opportunities.

Unhappiness is a product of the self, so the only way to reverse that feeling is to examine ourselves. True change always starts from the inside out; once we are able to identify our own shortcomings and make peace internally, the world always finds a way to make all the other pieces fit.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Want To Help My Friend,

Finding “someone special” is an especially difficult task, this task become even more difficult when our expectations exceed the reality of humanity.

The best advice to give your friend would be to tell him to really take a look at himself. You say he is unhappy being single; would it be fair to say he is just plain unhappy, being single aside? It’s ok to prefer to be in a relationship, but the word “unhappy” strikes another cord with me and may in fact be the source of your friend’s problem.

Happiness should not be determined by your relationship status and contrary to popular belief ,cannot be determined by your relationship status. A relationship is just a “quick fix” , the happiness is often fleeting. When they do something you perceive as good you are happy, but when they do something you perceive as bad you are totally unhappy. It affects your life completely. External factors cannot be responsible for your inner joy. There are just as many unhappy people in a relationship as there are unhappy single people.

The choice to be happy has to come from within (cliché I know, but very true). He is finding flaws in women because he is looking for someone that will make him completely happy, in reality no such woman exists. It’s an excuse and he is avoiding the real issue like the plague.

Relationships don’t make people happy. The happiest relationships are when two people decide to individually own their happiness and share in that happiness with the other person. So my advice to your friend is literally to “be happy”. The rest will fall into place.  

Love,

Miss J  

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© LoveJays 2012

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Couples Counseling

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Do you guys think it’s a smart idea to go to some form of couples counseling prior to committing to marriage?

A: Dear Pre-Marriage Counseling,

Marriage is a very exciting and serious commitment for any relationship and should not be taken lightly. While we pride ourselves on knowing almost everything about our partner, we may not be aware of some thoughts, feeling or behaviors that may cause conflict down the road. When we decide to marry someone, we plan on staying with them until “death does you part” (though in America, I’m not too sure those words hold any value), so it would probably be beneficial to attend couples training or counseling prior to marriage.

I haven’t had any personal experiences with these training classes or sessions, but my married and soon to be married friends who have participated in such training have thoroughly enjoyed it. In all honesty, what’s the worst that can happen? You have made the decision to wed this individual, so there shouldn’t be too many surprises…I hope.

If you go in hopes of determining if your significant other is Mr. or Mrs. right, then you have misunderstood some key elements along the way. I’m sure there are many couples who did not seek counseling or training prior to marriage and are living great lives. If you decide to attend, great. If not, great, too!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Seeking Counsel,

Marriage is a huge commitment and the biggest leap a couple can make. It is literally called “The Plunge”. Like any other large decision it is always best to do anything you can to ensure you are looking at all aspects of the decision you are making.

Someone who specializes in marriage counseling knows exactly what questions you should be asking each other and what you can truly expect out of marriage. This is not to say they know exactly how your marriage is going to pan out, that part is up to you, but they can give you tips on how to manage things within the new territory of marriage.

Some may argue that they do not need a third-party butting into their relationship. To those people I would say to try not to think of them as “another person”, but to instead think about them as a helping hand. At the end of the day the goal is to equip the couple with useful tools that lead to success, not to test the relationship.

I think marriage counseling is an excellent idea. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2012

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The “Shouldn’t I Be Able To Go Through His Phone” Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

If you are with a guy and you ask him to see his phone should that be a problem?

A: Dear Phone Spy,

Oh how much we love/hate our phones. It’s virtually impossible (more like inconvenient) not having our phones around us the majority of the time. Whether it’s a text message, Twitter or Facebook alert, Instagram likes, emails, missed calls – you name it, our phones are always buzzing. While it’s great to be connected and all, phones have definitely been the source of many, many relationship issues and breakups. The avenues for talking to people are practically endless and getting caught up is relatively easy.

Growing up, my father always told me, “Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to because I’m subject to tell you the truth!” I’m sure every woman, including Miss J, would disagree with this statement. But if you really analyze his point, it’s valid. This statement is not carte blanche for people to just act up and disrespect the person they are dating, good try though. It simply means, if you are looking for trouble, you may find trouble. And if you do find something you don’t like, well…that’s on you.

At any given point, a woman will likely find something in her man’s phone that she does not like, approve of, or agree with. Let’s just face the facts. Men are men, women are women. Is it right or respectful of him to engage in conversation with another woman, it’s up to you to decide based on your own merits. If you are dating a jealous or insecure person, it would probably be wise to act accordingly. Miss J doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body, but I’m not going around talking, texting or tweeting every woman in my phone. It’s respect. Every relationship has their own definition of respect, so if that conversation hasn’t happened, time to get on the good foot!

Is it a problem asking your guy to hand over his phone? No. But rest assured, if you find out some information that doesn’t sit well with you, I’ll just say, I told you so.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Just a Peek,

People tend to guard their cell phones like it is a diary. In a sense, cell phones are an additional fingerprint. They are tailored to the needs of a specific individual. They also hold information the owner uses on a somewhat regular basis. Some things are personal, others not so personal.

Going through someone’s phone, like it or not, is an invasion of personal space. I have looked at Mr. J’s phone in the past, not because I was looking for anything, I was just plain curious.

*Cue all the men in the world saying, “Yeah, right!”*

It’s true! To be honest, I saw some things I did not like. Had I been looking for dirt in the first place, what I found would have just added fuel to the fire. But because I went in just for the sake of being nosey, I ended up pissed I looked in the first place. It’s not like I can yell at him for what I found. I could have, but we would both be in the wrong. No one will ever win that battle. It’s like reading someone’s diary and going off on them about what they wrote.

 You will ALWAYS find something to be mad about when looking through a man’s phone…ALWAYS. In an ideal world, your man would only be texting his family members and a few girlfriend approved friends talking about how much he loves you and how special you are to him. In reality, what you will really find is a bunch of texts about sports, life topics that have nothing to do with you, and some girl’s boobs he saw while standing in line at the grocery store.

It is up to the individual whether or not they want to let you look in their phone. Now if you are asking to use his phone to make a phone call and he is all up in arms, then I would say he most likely has something to hide. But if you ask to see his phone just to see if he is up to anything, then I would say you don’t trust him and certainly know why. When a woman knows, she knows. Leave the phone out of it.

If you want to just be nosey, by all means, go for it. If you find something you don’t like, have fun keeping it to yourself!

Good Luck!

Love,

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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Hangin’ up the Player Ways

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you change your player ways and commit to someone not physically present?

A: Dear Changing your ways,

Short answer: self-control.
Long answer: self-control.

Hanging up the player ways isn’t easy. It requires you to be honest with yourself, acknowledging your shortcomings, then committing to self-control and discipline. Temptation lurks at every corner waiting for us to slip up and it’s easy to fall victim if you are not disciplined enough to reject it.

I’ve heard people say, “When you find the right one, it’ll be easy.”, but I don’t fully agree. It will undoubtedly motivate you to get your act together, but it still requires an intrinsic motivation to change. People only change if they want to change!

If you require physical interaction (hugging, kissing, sex, etc.) from your partner and the current circumstances aren’t allowing for that interaction, I find it very, very difficult to fully commit to someone without succumbing to your old ways. It’s not impossible, but it sure in the hell ain’t easy! Why set yourself up for failure and risk hurt or losing a good person? Remain uncommitted and trust everything will work out the way it’s designed!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Don’t wanna be a player no mo’, 

Tough question, easy answer. You just do. Make the decision to change and stick to it. Being a player takes a lot of coordination and effort (more for some and less for others). If you really WANT to change whether or not the person is in front of you is irrelevant. Is it  convenient? No. Will there be challenges? Absolutely. Whether or not someone is physically there should not make a difference as far as commitment goes. Commitment has nothing to do with who is involved and has everything to do with you. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOEOn3fng9U]

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© LoveJays 2012

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Jealousy and Insecurities

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you control your partner’s jealousy or insecurities?

A: Dear That Darn Little Green Monster,

Unfortunately jealousy is not a trait you can fix in a significant other. There is no controlling another human beings emotions. You can be the most trustworthy person who has done absolutely nothing to compromise your relationship and it still won’t matter. A jealous and insecure person will always find something to be jealous and insecure about.

The decision to remove insecurity and jealousy has to be the choice of the person who is experiencing those feelings first hand. At the base of those two emotions lies a lack of trust. So instead of the foundation being built on trust it will be built on either control, as a result of a person trying to accommodate the jealously issues of the other or anger and rebellion, due to one person not willing to accommodate the jealously issues of the other. Sometimes these scenarios even go both ways.

You would think as a jealous person you would understand another jealous person, but that’s not how it works. Jealousy is a possessive monster, those who embrace jealousy think of their significant other as a possession instead of a partner. That is not love. Love lies in trust and friendship.

This is not to say a person cannot change their jealous ways, they absolutely can; but it is not up to you. The problem source of the problem lies within them, not within your relationship.

Love ,

Miss J

A: Dear Jealousy is for the Birds,

Jealousy is the one trait I never truly understood and possessing it typically results in much more negative outcomes including unhappiness, violence and anger. I’m all for people being territorial of your partner – if you truly care for someone, you will definitely be interested and pay attention to their daily happenings. But when people take their basic care and emotion too far, they will try to control and manipulate the who, what, when, where and why of their partner’s every move. Unfortunately, we cannot control our partners source of jealousy because it often stems from personal insecurities they are refusing to acknowledge.

Relationships are built upon trust. If you cannot trust your partner or vice versa, what’s the point of maintaining the relationship? We are all human. We will say some things to people we shouldn’t have said, go to places we probably shouldn’t go, get a little too comfortable with the “girl/guy next door”, but through it all, we can’t try to manipulate our partner from experiencing these scenarios. Just because our partner is doing something we don’t necessarily care for, doesn’t mean they are out in streets cheating or disrespecting you. You have to live and it’s only fair we let others have the same freedoms. After all, what good comes from being jealous? Don’t worry…I’ll wait.

Miss J and I have kept jealously completely out of our relationship and it has helped us maintain a healthy, positive relationship. Does it mean we don’t question things here and there – absolutely not. It means we are comfortable enough with ourselves and trust we have each other’s best interest at heart. If your partner’s jealousy problems or insecurities are affecting more than just themselves, it’s time to reexamine the foundation of the relationship. Love can take on many forms, but control, manipulation and anger surely aren’t one of them!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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© LoveJays 2012

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Friend Zone?

Q: Hi Love Jays,

I’m starting to realize I have feelings for one of my guy friends, but it’s a strange situation. I feel like we genuinely care for each other, but I can’t tell in what way. At first, I was a little afraid that I was in the “little sister” zone, but as we got closer and closer, it all changed. For example, he knows I have a lot of anxiety with getting blood drawn, and gladly came with me to get it done. The thing is, he’s a bit (and by a bit, I mean a lot) of a player and at parties goes after girls he thinks will sleep with him and knows that I’m not up for anything casual. One night, after drinking, he and I kissed several times that night, so I have no idea whether that was a drunk want or just “because”. He also likes to call me pet names, but I don’t know if that’s in a little sister way. While I know he’s not ready for a relationship, have I been friend/little sister zoned?

A: Dear Stuck in the Friend Zone,

There aren’t too many single men in this world who will completely write-off any woman as being a future girlfriend. She could be a complete stranger or a friend for many years, whichever the case, it doesn’t mean things will always stay the same. How many stories have you read about best friends falling for each other? Just like anything else in life, friendships can evolve into something much different.

I have never been one to “blame it on the a a a a a alcohol” when making questionable decisions. You mentioned he is a bit of a player and likes going after girls who will sleep with him, so it’s very clear he knew exactly what he was doing when deciding to kiss you. It doesn’t necessarily mean he is trying to sleep with you, but I can assure you he wouldn’t prevent it from happening if you decided to take it there.

Simple answer – you are not stuck in the friend/little sister zone. He is looking to have fun and is willing to participate with anyone who is up for a good time. If you aren’t for anything casual, I would suggest not hooking up with him; no need to cause yourself any more confusion.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Zone,

There is no such thing as a single man keeping a woman in “the friend zone”. NO SUCH THING. A man may value a friendship and not want to ruin it at that moment; but for the most part, until a man is settled down, every woman is fair game.

Also, he kissed you. I will say it again, He. Kissed. You. And you kissed him back. You liked it and I am sure there are no complaints on his end. Yes, you were drunk. Drunken words/actions are sober thoughts. When a friendship takes a step in the direction of it becoming something more there are typically a lot of nerves/butterflies involved. You both just had liquid courage, it is totally normal.

While I am almost positive you have not been “friend zoned”, you still may want to proceed with caution. You mentioned he is a player and my gut is saying he probably cares for you, but he has some “tendencies” he needs to get out first. The kisses you shared were probably the result of you both putting your feelers out there.Now that he knows he may have a shot with you he might slow down with his player ways.

For your part you should figure out what it is exactly you want and what you expect from him. If you come to the conclusion you are better off friends then that is that; but if you definitely want to explore something more than a normal friendship you are going to have to drop the liquid courage and the kisses and have a heart to heart.

Love,

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2012