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He’s My Co-Worker and He Might Have a Girlfriend…

 

Q: Dear Love Jays,

We all know the old adage:”Don’t shit where you eat.” But things are changing, right? Dating co-workers is… kind of okay, right? There’s this guy that I’ve recently started talking to and we’ve been working together on a couple of projects lately. On these projects, he’s a little bit more of my superior. Is that okay to date him? Also, he might possibly have a girlfriend. What is there to lose but at the same time, how invested do I really get?

A: Dear Co-Worker with a Girlfriend…Maybe,

I am going to keep this short and sweet. You said, “he might possibly have a girlfriend”. Stop there. Does he have a girlfriend, yes or no? That is a very important piece of information. If he does, you have everything to lose. I am going to tell you what a wise woman once told me. How you get a man is how you lose a man. You are more than welcome to be his friend, but have respect for his relationship. If you feel you are unable to do so, cease-fire.

Moving on, In my current workplace several of my co-workers are married and they met while working here. A workplace relationship can definitely work. With that said, if you are just looking for a fling/good time I would caution against it.

Hope this helps! 

Love,

Miss J 

A:Dear Dating in the Workplace,

Dating one of your co-workers is commonly frowned upon and often discouraged. Our place of employment is somewhere we go to make a decent living, improve upon our skill sets, and possibly make some new friends.

I’m sure we have all been told at one point or another to keep our work life and personal life separate; however, I find it a bit unrealistic to ask people to avoid letting the 40-50+ hours we spend with other people not to have some cross influence. I definitely agree there’s a definitive line of what we should/shouldn’t discuss with our co-workers nor fall victim into believing everyone we work with is a friend, but let’s acknowledge the simple fact that our work life and personal life aren’t 100% independent from one another.

Onto my opinion.

I’m definitely open to the idea of dating in the workplace, but if the person we are interested in dating has a direct influence on our day-to-day job and responsibilities, I would caution against it. Regardless of how “cool” our supervisors act or how laxed the work environment is designed, our place of employment is a business and we should exercise good sense when making certain decisions. How does the old saying go? “It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.” It’s very possible the two of you could end up dating without it negatively effecting your work situation, but you would be doing yourself a disservice by not assessing the consequences on both sides.

Oh, and to answer your question on what is there to lose…your job, maybe? Just a thought. It’s extreme and unlikely, I understand. Still, it’s something to think about! One more thing…let’s not forget to acknowledge the possibility that he may have a girlfriend.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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The Attitude Problem

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Looking for advice on how to deal with the attitude/stubbornness aspect of a relationship.

A: Dear Attitude Adjustment,

Attitude is a learned behavior whereas stubbornness is typically a personality trait.  They can both be worked on, but the person exhibiting the behavior has to be aware and motivated to change.

Let’s start with the attitude problem. More often than not, it does not take long for a nasty attitude to rear its ugly head. Those who possess this quality are usually quick to use it. Big issue or small issue, you will usually get a neck roll or two. The first step is to bring awareness to the issue in a non-accusatory tone. Try saying something like, “When you speak to me like _____ , it makes it hard for me to receive what you are saying because ______”. Calmly let them respond, and prepare for just a little more attitude. If your partner is reasonable (hopefully) they will digest what you said and apply it next time. The second step is to repeat. This can be a process and you will probably have to talk about it more than once, just remember to stay calm and always come from a loving (not frustrated) place every time you speak about it.  

Stubbornness can be a little more difficult to deal with. Sometimes it can be good to be stubborn and sometimes it can be really bad. Because the reward is different each time, it makes it difficult for the person with this personality trait to know when it’s appropriate and when to leave it at home. No one should ever just roll over and do what someone else says to do within a relationship or otherwise. However, it is important to compromise. If your mate is stubborn but you guys are always able to come to an agreement, then I would say you are fine. If the stubbornness gets in the way of you ever finding middle ground then you may be dealing with a “my way or the highway” type. If this is the case, your best bet is to (again) speak to them calmly while they are exhibiting such behavior. Do not make it sound like a “bad” thing or a “flaw”. Just let them know you appreciate he/she is strong willed, but you really need to come to an agreement and it would be great if he/she could meet you half way. Leave them with their thoughts and let them approach you later when they are ready.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J 

Dear Managing Attitude,

Growing up, I was the kid who always copped an attitude; if things weren’t going my way, I made it a point to let everyone know I wasn’t happy. As a result, I was forever getting in trouble at school or finding myself on the tail end of a good whooping from my father. Years and years passed, yet I still didn’t have a solid grip on how to control my attitude. Let’s be clear, I wasn’t bad, destructive or abusive (I know some of you were judging); I just had a difficult time keeping my mouth shut!

Fortunately, Miss J came along and help put my attitude right in its place. She effectively communicated how I would hurt her feelings by saying or doing certain things and simply would not tolerate my childish behavior. She wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary, but seeing someone you truly care for upset over your actions isn’t the most rewarding feeling. It’s also important to note that true change is only possible when a person is committed to making a change.

If your partner’s attitude or behavior is causing a rift in your relationship, it’s absolutely critical to communicate your feelings. They may know it’s a problem, yet if they aren’t fully aware of the consequences, chances are very likely business will continue per usual. Relationship maintenance isn’t always fun, but it is indeed necessary.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 

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Video: Just Keepin’ It Real

It’s Video Time!

Miss J is feeling under the weather today (wish her well), so in lieu of our typical Tuesday posts, we wanted to share with you a video we made a few days ago addressing our differences in cleanliness!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJXimmFRDk0]

If you have not subscribed to our YouTube channel, be sure to follow the link. We will be releasing more videos in an attempt to connect further with all of our readers!

Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday!

Love,

J&J

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Check Please!

“Don’t worry about it, I got this one.” [Google]
Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’ve been raised to be a gentleman and always pay for a lady. My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year, and lately she’s been making it a point to pay. Even getting upset when I pay before she has a chance to. To be honest, it makes me uncomfortable to let her pay for me. She tells me I need to get over it. I try not to let it bother me, but I feel as if people are looking at me like I’m a dead beat when she pulls out her card and I just sit there. Any words of advice?

A: Dear Let Me Pay For It,

The majority of men and women will agree it is the man’s responsibility to pay for his lady. And just like the majority, I agree with this principle…sort of. Now before all the women get ready to take off their heels and earrings in preparation to attack a brotha, let me explain.

I’m fully aware it is my responsibility to take care of Miss J. Regardless if you are single or in a committed relationship, it is our duty as men to respect, protect, and uplift the women around us. I’ll spare you from going deeper on this topic, but if you want a more in-depth look on my feelings about the value of women, I strongly suggest you read an entry I posted a few months back.

Where was I? Right, men taking care of women.

What does taking care of women even suggest? It doesn’t literally mean providing everything like you would for a child, instead it simply means man should consciously strive to support his woman emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially the best way possible. I’ve spoken with many married couples and they all agree: relationships are not 50/50, 60/40 or even 70/30 – they are 100/100! Therefore, women share equal part responsibility in providing and caring for their man, as he would for her.

It pays no dividend getting caught up in traditional gender roles because tradition doesn’t address equality. Tradition argues women are “less than” men and belong at home with kids making sure everything is prepared when he comes home; however, ask any Fortune 500 company who have women in power positions and I’d be willing to bet ALL would agree each of them are vital in their success.

Having a woman who isn’t ashamed to pull out her own money and pay for her man is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of support and recognition. She isn’t trying to embarrass you are make you feel less of a man; she is acknowledging that societal pressures don’t have to dictate her actions. She has worked hard to earn her money, so let her do what she would like with her money. And if that means she wants to buy you dinner one night, who are you to stop her?

Who cares if people are looking at you like a deadbeat. Are you dating the people sitting at the next table over? Do they know anything about your relationship? That’s what I figured.

A deadbeat wouldn’t offer to pull out his wallet at every meal nor would he submit this question. You probably have a good woman on your team, so don’t let your ego put you in a position for which you aren’t prepared.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want to Pay,

Traditionally the man is supposed to pay the bill; it is the sign of a true gentleman. However, it is 2013 and while the old traditions are great it is also okay to make some room for new traditions.

 You have been dating for over a year and your girlfriend has now challenged (what you feel to be) your manhood. Perfectly understandable. You say it makes you uncomfortable, not because you feel like you really want to provide for her; but because you feel as if others are judging you for not paying. My advice? Don’t worry about what other people are thinking. How the bill gets paid is up to you guys. You can’t worry about how others perceive her paying for the bill. It’s none of their business.

Now, let’s try to figure out what is going on in her head. Did anything happen around the time she began wanting to pay for things? A raise at work on her end or pay decrease on yours? Has she been trying to express independence in any other aspects in her life?

Society is going through a major transitional phase and as a result the message to women right now is be independent, but let men handle everything. Work hard, but if you marry right you won’t have to work THAT hard or at all. Make enough money to support yourself, but you shouldn’t have to. You get my point, the message is stuck somewhere between the old way and whatever the new way will be.

My guess is that your girlfriend, like a lot of us, is just trying to break the mold of what society says women are supposed to be. In the process she is also breaking the mold of what society says men should be and the problem is you don’t want your mold broken.

I do not think you need to “get over it” in regards to her paying all the time. If she wants to be an equal, her paying all the time does not solve that problem. Can she pay sometimes? Sure. Can you pay sometimes? Absolutely. You guys need to talk and come up with a middle ground. There is no way for her to pay the entire bill and for you to pay the entire bill at the same time. Something has got to give. Your best bet is probably to split the bill each time. You will both be a little bit out of your comfort zone, but that’s what you do when you are in a relationship. You compromise.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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Event: “Can We Talk About Love?” Relationship Panel

We have been invited by Chapman University’s Black Student Union to host the “Can We Talk About Love?” relationship panel on Monday, February 11 from 8:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m.

Panelists will include married couples, interracial couples, homosexual couples and single men/women. If  you are planning to attend and would like to submit questions anonymously, please use the question box below with the hashtag #ChapmanBSU. The hashtag will help us organize which questions are specifically related to this event! 

It’s going to be a fun and informative night, so get your questions ready and bring a friend! 

Love,

J&J

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Mr. J’s Special Day

 

Hello Everyone! 

Today is a very special day.  Guess why? Yep, that’s right, it’s Mr. J’s birthday! Yay! 

As some of you may remember for my 23rd birthday Mr. J wrote 23 facts, feelings and whatever else came to mind about me. So for his 24th, I wanted to return the favor. So without further aduie, I present to you 24 random things about Mr. J. 

  1. Mr. J is one of the kindest people I have ever met. He really cares about the wellbeing of others and never  hesitates to help a person in need. 
  2. Mr. J is one of the most genuine people I know. He is not one to fake anything. If you ask, he will tell you exactly how he feels; good, bad or indifferent.
  3. Mr. J likes monkeys just as much as I do, even though he would never admit it. 
  4. Mr. J lets me call him “Monkey”. 
  5. Mr. J has to put things back where he got them from. Always. 
  6. Mr. J moans when he eats. 
  7. Mr. J’s default volume is “loud”. If you are within a mile radius of him you will know. He’s the tall guy shouting at the person directly across from him as if they are 50 yards apart. 
  8. Mr. J does not fit in rides at Knott’s Berry Farm because his legs are too long. 
  9. Mr. J can do the dougie and secretly loves when the song comes on at social gatherings so he can “hit his dougie” for the crowd. 
  10. Mr. J is the most supportive friend. He will be your number one fan. 
  11. Mr. J will do anything for the people he loves and probably just as much for someone he hardly knows. 
  12. If Mr. J has been sitting for a long time he stands up like an old man because his knees are bad. 
  13. Mr. J enjoys a good two-step. (old man tendencies die hard) 
  14. Mr. J was team captain of his basketball team in college & he was (and still is)  a beast on the court. 
  15. Mr. J dunks on people while staring them in the eye. 
  16. Mr. J will have a long/deep conversation with a stranger. He will genuinely be interested in everything they have to say and then be perfectly content never seeing or talking to the again after said conversation is over. 
  17. Mr. J can successfully pull a boot off of a woman’s foot. 
  18. Mr. J is a lingerer. If you plan on leaving somewhere at a decent time, he is not the person to ride with. He is usually either among the last to leave or the very last person to leave. 
  19. Mr. J wears a size 15 shoe and has huge hands – No subtext. I am literally  just saying he has big hands and feet. 
  20. Mr. J always announces when he has to go number two. And if he is really comfortable with you, he WILL leave the door open while doing so. 
  21. Mr. J will dance with me when there is no music playing.
  22. Mr. J always knows how to put a smile on my face. 
  23. Mr. J never ceases to amaze me. Everyday I discover something else about him that is just as awesome as he is as a whole. 
  24. Mr. J is my best friend. He is truly just an honest to goodness great person. He cares for people and looks out for them. His ultimate dream is to lead a life of service to those in need, who could not love that? 

I love you babe, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

Love, 

Miss J

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