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How Do I Break Up With My Girlfriend?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been with a girl for a very long time.I really do love her, but I know I cannot be with her forever, or any longer. What was once a young fun love has turned into a chore. I am tired and frustrated with this relationship. I just don’t know HOW to break up with her, since she is so amazing to me. So what do I do and how do I do it?

Thanks,
Almost Single

A: Dear Saying Goodbye Isn’t Easy,

Breaking up with someone is never fun. Getting broken up with is even worse.

We’ve all seen the Maury Povich shows where the men are asked to take a lie detector test to prove they are innocent from cheating on their significant other. 99.1% of all the men who have ever been tested usually fail with flying colors, which then leads to the women having full emotional breakdowns on stage and telling their man the relationship is over. When the emotions are high and the proof is clear, it seems as the decision to break up is a no brainer. However, several of the couples will be featured on a follow-up show and the two will still be together!

What’s the point I’m trying to make? The reason(s) we may break up with someone vary in scale, but despite how clear the reasons are — letting go of someone you love isn’t easy.

And how am I so sure? Let’s take a trip down memory lane…

Six months into our relationship, I tried breaking up with Miss J. I attempted to explain why I didn’t want the relationship to continue, but I couldn’t get my words out. We went back-and-forth for a few and decided I wasn’t quite ready for the break up. It sounded good, but I wasn’t ready.

Fast forward to a year later — break up attempt #2. I wanted freedom and was tired of being in a relationship. This time I was able to get the words out. Miss J was clearly upset and I didn’t know what to do next. I left the room, spoke to my mother for about 30 minutes, then rescinded the break up.

Fast forward two years — break up attempt #3. We graduated college and were living 50 miles away. Every little thing was starting to bother me about Miss J…everything. I didn’t want to talk on the phone, didn’t want to text, didn’t want to see her. Like you, I was frustrated and felt like the relationship had become a chore.

At this point, I was 100% sure I didn’t want to be in this relationship any longer, yet I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger. After two failed attempts and three years of teeter-tottering, it wasn’t until Miss J sent me an email in the early morning hours explaining her frustrations that I was finally able to actually do it. Even though I knew in my head what I wanted, it took almost the perfect setup to make happen.

The reason you don’t know how to break up with your girlfriend is because you are scared and selfish. You’re frustrated and probably a bit miserable, but releasing her to the world of millions of other men who would date her in a heartbeat isn’t something you want to feel or accept. You aren’t willing to run the risk that if the two of you break up, this very well may be the last time she will be your girlfriend.

Holding on to someone you love for selfish reasons is the worst thing you can do for both people. It’s time for the two of you to grow individually, separately. Life teaches us the best lessons through pain and difficulty; grab your pen and paper and start taking notes.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want To Get It Over With,

My father has always told me when it comes to dating either one of two things are going to happen.

  1. You Break Up.
  2. You Get Married

Once you have decided you are probably not going to marry a person or spend the rest of your life with them in any capacity, inevitably, you are going to break up. I know it’s sad, but you are not doing your girlfriend any favors by trying to spare her feelings for the moment. You are going to have to rip the band-aid off at some point, and whether it’s today or two months from now, it is still going to hurt.

You said she is amazing to you, if you really want to do her a favor let her go. Tell her you care for her and you don’t want to hurt her, but her love deserves reciprocity and that’s not something you can offer.

Love,

Miss J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ26gAc7BtU]

 

© LoveJays 2013

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Sex First, Love Second

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Do you think true love will transpire from a relationship started on strictly sex?

A: Dear Sex First, Relationship Second,

Contrary to popular belief, a relationship started on strictly sex has the ability to transform into one built on love, trust and understanding. Would I bet the house on it? No. Do I believe the majority of relationships that are rooted in just sex will eventually fail? Yes. However, just because we start something one way doesn’t always mean it will finish the same way.

We’ve written about sex numerous times in the past and we can agree sex plays in an important role in any sexually active relationship. Did you catch that? An important role. As defined by the lovely dictionary app on my Macbook, role is defined as “the function assumed or part played by a person or thing in a particular situation”.

Function assumed. Part played.

The definition clearly suggests that a role does not make up the entirety, therefore sex shouldn’t make up the entirety of a relationship. “Sex-only” relationships are typically characteristic of people who are unwilling or afraid to embrace the other roles needed to maintain a healthy and successful relationship. And guess what happens when you have two people who are unwilling to do the “other stuff”? You guessed correctly — a shoddy relationship at best.

Fortunately for us, we are all humans and have the ability to change. If both parties (yes, BOTH PARTIES) are willing to move sex from the forefront of their relationship and develop the other necessary components of a relationship, true love can transpire. Be sure to prepare yourself for a looooooong and bumpy ride! 🙂

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear Sex Before Love,

In today’s day and age, it is not uncommon to have sex with a person before actually getting to know them. Just as we have emotional needs, we also have physical needs. Sometimes a person intended to fill a physical need can surprise you with their ability to fill your emotional needs as well.

As a woman, I can see how it could be pretty simple to make the transition from friends with benefits to boyfriend and girlfriend. Whether you want to admit it or not, sex is an emotional experience for us. Even if we think we have shut off the emotional switch, every time you lay down with a man you are opening the emotional flood gates just a bit.

Men operate differently. It’s a little easier for them to separate physical pleasure from emotional desires. I hate to say it, but because of this fun fact, once women give what Steve Harvey calls “The Cookie” away, they are at a disadvantage. Men are motivated by sex. It’s not even all about the act, half the time it’s about the mystery. What does that women really look like, feel like, smell like ect…Once the mystery is gone so is the motivation.

It’s no secret that sex confuses things. Is it possible to have a true, loving relationship with the foundation being just sex? Absolutely. However, it is not probable. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013

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Ask Me Out Already

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you get a guy you like to ask you out?

A: Dear I Want A Date,

I am not sure there is a surefire way to “get” a guy to ask you out. There are a couple of things you can do on your end, but ultimately whether or not he decides to ask you is up to him.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Do not sleep with him. No one wants to buy the cow if the milk is given out for free.

2. Do not unleash every single feeling you have ever had about everything in life. A man is less likely to want to see what you have to offer if you just put it all out there for him to see right away. Men like a little bit of mystery.

3. Be the best version of yourself. Take care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Men are attracted to a confident woman.

These tips will help, but as I said before, you cannot make a man ask you out if he just does not want to. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

Dear He Hasn’t Asked Yet,

Let’s keep this short and sweet: does he like you?

Despite our best efforts in showing someone how we feel, if the feelings aren’t mutual..there isn’t much you can do. We sometimes convince ourselves that just because we like someone, they should like us back. Who wouldn’t want to date a tall, handsome, outgoing and ambitious man? Well, I can name dozens of them and fortunately Miss J is probably one of a select few who could ACTUALLY deal with my ridiculousness. Hence why we have been dating for five years!

On the flip side, if the feelings are mutual and he hasn’t asked you out – maybe he isn’t quite ready or he is dealing with some stage fright. The “quite ready” can mean a multitude of things and vary from guy to guy, so be a little proactive in getting what you want. A little bit of confidence and aggression in a woman never hurts! And for the stage fright – who wants to date a man unwilling to pull the trigger?

Love,

Mr. J

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Love Jays on TradioV: Episode 2

Hey Love Fans!

In this week’s episode we discuss the “Harlem Shake”, social media in relationships, relationship titles and what you should do if your boo is broke. Featuring special guest Jordan Harbinger, co-founder of The Art of Charm. Men, you definitely won’t want to miss this one!

Click the picture above to view the show.

Love,

J&J

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© LoveJays 2013

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The Case of the Broke Boo

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boo is BROKE.

He has no money, no car, no job…and in the beginning I didn’t like it, but tried not to be superficial. I loved the way he treated me and I would offer to pay for things, meals,etc. Besides those things, he is damn near perfect. I never thought it bother me this much. In a relationship, I want to be able to travel, go to the movies, etc. Now, since we have been together for quite sometime, I feel I was completely wrong in starting this pattern. He has been applying for jobs and got a few interviews.

I understand he is going through a rough time and because I love him I do want to support him, but at the same time, I’m not comfortable or okay with doing this. This is eating away at my ego and my womanhood because I feel me paying for things trickles down to our relationship roles. I want to be the woman in the relationship and I want to be pampered. At this point I have no idea how to stop this. I want to offer and pay but then I don’t because I feel the values instilled in me as a child was that the man always pays.

A: Dear Broke as a Joke,

This question is very intriguing to me because we just received a similar question a couple of weeks ago, but it was from the male prospective. He couldn’t get his girlfriend to stop paying and you can’t get your boyfriend to start paying.

Financial stability plays a major role within relationships, I wish it didn’t, but unfortunately, it does matter. Money allows us to buy what we need to survive. So essentially, money=survival. Ugh, I have always hated math.

Let’s get to the meat of your question. You say you love him, he is trying to find work, but he is broke; you want to be able to do things that require money and you want to play the traditional woman role in the relationship. Is that everything?  Here are some things you need to ask yourself.

*WRITE YOUR RESPONSES DOWN WITH PEN AND PAPER SO YOU CAN GET A GOOD VISUAL.*

  1. You love him. Why and is that enough for you?
  2. He is trying to find work. How hard is he trying and does he even want a job?
  3. He is broke. Is he okay/comfortable with being broke?
  4. You want to be able to do things that require both parties to have an income. Have you seriously discussed these desires with your man? If so, what was his response? Did he hop on board or did he just have a “whatever” attitude about it?
  5. You want to feel like a woman and be pampered. Do you really need a man for that?

These may look like simple questions, but they are very important and harder to answer than you think. Be completely honest with yourself. Do not beat yourself up over how you truly feel. Sometimes people are with a quality person, but they just are not compatible. Personally, I am all about teamwork within a relationship. I believe each person should contribute as much as they can to the relationship, gender roles aside.

Conversely, if you did want to play into gender roles while it is standard for the woman to be “taken care of” as the man works, it is also standard for a woman to be her man’s backbone when he falls short.

Whether you are a man or woman, it can be frustrating when your partner is not pulling their weight. It causes you to become unbalanced as a couple and I think that’s why you are feeling so conflicted. You are not wrong in wanting what you want, your real task lies in determining whether or not your partner TRULY wants the same thing.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Dating A Broke Man,

Love is a powerful bond that can withstand just about anything; however, it’s important to understand that financial issues are at the center of many broken relationships and marriages.

Tradition has argued, just as your parents instilled in you, men should always pay for their woman. If I were to stop and poll 100 random men on the street, I’m sure most of them would prefer to pick up the tab for their lady. I, too, would like to pay for Miss J every time we go out to eat, but following tradition doesn’t always mirror reality.

Would you prefer your man to open a credit card, spending money he doesn’t own or would you prefer to pick up the slack while he looks for a stable income?

When you decided to date him, you ALREADY KNEW he didn’t have a job, a car or money; it was all right in front of you. You willingly entered a relationship with a man who could provide emotional support, not financial support. If being wined and dined or traveling was a major priority for you, why would you start the relationship?

You mentioned he is looking for jobs and was able to land some interviews, yet nothing has come to surface. Have you had a conversation with him expressing your frustration? If not, it’s time to sit your man down and explain that you are struggling to maintain the financial load. Unless you want to break with him, DO NOT attack him. When a man feels his manhood being challenged, we most often times shut down and ignore everything that’s said. Be encouraging and supportive, yet straightforward and honest.

Love,

Mr. J

P.S. Miss J and I made a vlog about this very topic…go ahead and take a look at this video.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQBC2j3kNOA]

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© LoveJays 2013