Father’s Day is a time for families to celebrate the important role fathers play in their lives. But for some, the holiday is a painful reminder of a relationship underdeveloped, derailed, or dismissed.
Miss J and I have been fortunate to have our fathers in our lives since birth. When we received the below question, we knew it was time to take a step back and allow someone else to share their experience.
Please welcome, Miss M.
Q: Dear Love Jays,
Kind of ironic with Father’s Day just passing but here it goes. I have always had a pretty rough relationship with my dad and it has started to show in my relationship with my significant other. Whether it’s my insecurities and what-not, or his similarities to my dad, I see more and more problems stem from my relationship with my dad. Any advice?
A: Dear Deterring Dating Dilemma,
First and foremost, I’d like to acknowledge you (and please acknowledge yourself as well!) for recognizing the effect your relationship with your Dad is playing in your relationship with your significant other. As someone who has experienced this before, I understand that is not an easy thing to recognize or admit. Seeing it and wanting the change is the first step to a positive breakthrough!
Your question really resonated with me because, similarly, I had a rough relationship with my Dad growing up. It was not until recently that I released all past resentment and got complete with my father. But the road to forgiveness was not easy. I battled with insecurities, resentment, and abandonment issues for years and I wasn’t always aware of them. It filtered into every aspect of my life; romantic relationships, family relationships, and occasionally friendships. In some areas it was more severe than others (i.e., family & love), but it affected all aspects of my life nonetheless. In retrospect, I realized the relationship that suffered the most was my relationship with myself. I had not always realized it, but because of the negative feelings I was harboring for my father, it changed the way I viewed myself. It affected who I was being in the world, and who I was being for the ones who shared my world with me.
One of the best things that you can do for people in your life is to love and accept them for who they are and not expect them to change. It was impossible for me to love others wholly when I was not whole and complete. I knew in order for things to change, I had to change. Which also meant I had to change the way I viewed my past with my father, and the role I was letting my past play in my present. My breakthrough and steps to healing occurred during a weekend at a personal development seminar. It was revealed to me that I had a lot of “blind spots” holding me back in life. One of the biggest blind spots — my relationship with my father! It was that weekend when I REALLY realized what a significant role my estranged relationship with my Dad played in all aspects of my life.
I knew in order for things to change, I was going to have to forgive my father and let the past be the past. This was not easy to accept at first because in my mind he didn’t deserve to be forgiven. But I had to get clear on the fact forgiveness is not always for the other person, forgiveness is often for yourself. Freeing yourself of that anger brings you peace no matter the cirumstance.
The quote by Gautama Buddha, “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”, held more truth to me than ever during this time.
The advice I want to give to you: forgive your father and free yourself from the past. Only then will you see a shift in your entire life.
Now, you may be saying “Well, how?” or even “Over my dead body! That ain’t happening!” (I was there at one point ,haha!). Or you may be open to the idea, but not sure where to start the process. Whatever space you’re in is perfect because these things don’t happen overnight, and everyone’s journey is different. But here are some nuggets that I used that may help you put things into perspective…
1.) Nothing that your father did had anything to do with you.
Many people who go through rough relationships with a parent(s), myself included, and assign meaning to the actions or absence of that parent(s). “My father left because he didn’t love me”, “My Mom gave me up for adoption because I wasn’t good enough“, etc. These feelings are not wrong. They are natural emotions in response to not feeling loved, but please get very clear on the fact that these feelings are not fact! They are the conclusion we draw to what took place. People make mistakes in life. Sometimes these mistakes are selfish, crucial, or life changing; mistakes that do not only affect them, but an entire group of people. These mistakes are made due to an internal battle the person is fighting and is not a reflection on those whom were affected.
After I decided to forgive my Dad, I mustered up the courage to call him on the phone.
We hadn’t spoken in six years.
I had to get his number from another family member, and as his phone rang, I swore I was going to throw up! As soon as he answered and realized it was me, he instantly started crying. Before I knew it, we were both crying. We had a heart to heart and I was very candid with him on the role that his actions and absence played in my life. I know it was not easy for him to hear, but he made sure to let me know nothing he did was my fault. I made sure to let him know I was no longer holding onto any of it. I realized my decisions were up to me no matter what he did in the past. He was going through a crisis in his own life and made a series of bad choices because of it. Our conversation ended well, and I got off the phone knowing I was loved…something that I had never felt from him before.
2.) Find a way to get complete with your father through communicating with him.
I know this step may take some time and it will never be easy or feel comfortable. As I stated before, calling my father was the most nerve wrecking experience ever! But it’s worth it. If your father is still alive, I encourage you to meet with him in a place where you would feel comfortable or call him on the phone. If your father is deceased, or it’s truly impossible to get in contact with him, write a letter to him as if you were speaking to him directly. Take this as an opportunity to express how you feel, while still taking responsibility for your own life. Acknowledge where you’re at right now. As tempting as it may be, do not use this opportunity to dump on him or tell him what a horrible person you think he is. This communication is for you both to have an open and honest conversation with each other, and for you to be the bigger person and create a space for a new type relationship with your father.
This does not mean you have to start being super close to him (unless you want to) nor does it mean he has to be your new BFF. This is simply opening a space to start fresh and get to know each other free of the past. No longer child to father, but adult to adult. Accepting his flaws and all.
Most importantly, do not be attached to the outcome of this situation. If your father responds positively, amazing. If not, it still has nothing to do with you. Let him know he’s forgiven and that you’re releasing the resentment. If he’s ever open to the possibility of a new relationship, you’re open to it. Either way, take comfort in knowing you completed the necessary steps to become whole. Leave feeling great and remember forgiveness is for YOU!
3.) Take responsibility for your life.
Anything in your life is up to you, my friend. Your past does not have to dictate your present or your future. Now that you’ve recognized where you’re struggling, take the steps necessary to fix it. You have the power to change things for yourself.
As Eric Thomas always says, “Make the rest of your life, the BEST of your life!”
Once you begin to apply these things to your life, you will see and feel a complete shift in your relationships and the way you relate to other people. This life is beautiful. Embrace your future and free yourself of your past.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference” – The Serenity Prayer
Xoxo,
M
© LoveJays 2013
