This will probably be a 2 or 3 parter so bear with me!
During the holiday season I had a conversation that really struck a chord. My family and I were sitting around the dinner table and a family member brought up the concept of unconditional love. His argument was that unconditional love does not really exist because everyone’s love has conditions.
Admittedly I was quick to agree. It made perfect sense. For example, I have a HUGE problem with cheating. I don’t understand it and I see it as a valid reason to terminate a relationship. Ergo my love has a limit and/or condition. Some challenged the idea; however eventually,like me, they were pretty quick to accept love is indeed conditional.
The conversation died down just as fast as it started and soon we were back to talking about turkey and family gossip, but I couldn’t shake the realization that unconditional love does not and never did exist.
From that point on I went on a “love bender”. I was devastated. How is it that I am not capable of loving unconditionally? Wait a minute, if that’s true than the reverse must be too. I can’t be loved unconditionally? What a cruel joke life had pulled!
I decided I was going to have to find the answer for myself. If it turned out to be true, fine. I would just have to deal with it. If it turned out to be false, awesome! So for the next couple of weeks I will take you through my journey and what I discovered about unconditional love.
In the meantime, what are your thoughts? Do you think love has conditions? If yes, why? If no, why not? I want to hear from you!
Do you guys think it’s a smart idea to go to some form of couples counseling prior to committing to marriage?
A: Dear Pre-Marriage Counseling,
Marriage is a very exciting and serious commitment for any relationship and should not be taken lightly. While we pride ourselves on knowing almost everything about our partner, we may not be aware of some thoughts, feeling or behaviors that may cause conflict down the road. When we decide to marry someone, we plan on staying with them until “death does you part” (though in America, I’m not too sure those words hold any value), so it would probably be beneficial to attend couples training or counseling prior to marriage.
I haven’t had any personal experiences with these training classes or sessions, but my married and soon to be married friends who have participated in such training have thoroughly enjoyed it. In all honesty, what’s the worst that can happen? You have made the decision to wed this individual, so there shouldn’t be too many surprises…I hope.
If you go in hopes of determining if your significant other is Mr. or Mrs. right, then you have misunderstood some key elements along the way. I’m sure there are many couples who did not seek counseling or training prior to marriage and are living great lives. If you decide to attend, great. If not, great, too!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Seeking Counsel,
Marriage is a huge commitment and the biggest leap a couple can make. It is literally called “The Plunge”. Like any other large decision it is always best to do anything you can to ensure you are looking at all aspects of the decision you are making.
Someone who specializes in marriage counseling knows exactly what questions you should be asking each other and what you can truly expect out of marriage. This is not to say they know exactly how your marriage is going to pan out, that part is up to you, but they can give you tips on how to manage things within the new territory of marriage.
Some may argue that they do not need a third-party butting into their relationship. To those people I would say to try not to think of them as “another person”, but to instead think about them as a helping hand. At the end of the day the goal is to equip the couple with useful tools that lead to success, not to test the relationship.
I think marriage counseling is an excellent idea. Good Luck!
This morning I ran across and article that got me thinking…The majority of women out there (myself included) have been dreaming of their wedding day since they were 10 years old. They have it all planned out down to the last detail. The dress, the guest, the flowers, and the cake; all of it! Would you be willing to trade your dream dress for a sheet, your guest for nurses, and your cake for brownies from a hospital cafeteria? Check out the story below and share your thoughts!
Bride Weds in Bedsheet
(Source: Yahoo!)
Last week, an Ohio hospital transformed into a full-service wedding hall for a pregnant patient’s special day. Nurses became wedding planners, patients provided bridal accessories, and the gift shop catered the whole affair. Just hours later, the bride became a patient again when the staff delivered her baby.
It wasn’t every bride’s fantasy venue, but for Cynthia Reese it was perfect.
“Everything went so well with the wedding, that the baby wanted to come see it too,” joked the exhausted new mom during a phone interview with Yahoo! Shine.
Reese, 27, was seven months pregnant last Monday when her water broke.
“I was mopping up the floor at work when it happened,” says the Aeropostale sales assistant. “It was really terrifying.”
She immediately checked in to Akron General Medical Center for fetal monitoring as doctors tried to slow down her contractions. She was put on bed rest and checked into the hospital for the duration of her pregnancy. The biggest concern for Reese and her fiancé, Michael Bof, was having a healthy baby. But the early delivery also meant they wouldn’t be married as they’d hoped when the baby arrived.
“We couldn’t afford anything so we were just going to go to the court before the baby came, and make it official,” says Reese, who discovered she was pregnant three weeks after getting engaged. “I just wanted to be married.”
The bride wore a white sheets.
Since Reese couldn’t make it to court, Bof brought the judge to his bride, and coordinated with the hospital to hold a brief ceremony in the on-site chapel. It was supposed to be a low-key thing, until staff at the hospital stepped it up a notch.
“All the nurses on floor that helped me with the wedding,” says Reese. “As soon as my one nurse, Melody, found out I was going to wear my hospital gown to the ceremony, she was like ‘Oh no girl.'”
“I thought about doing something long with a train, but the sheet was too thin,” senior nurse tech Melody White told the Akron Beacon Journal. Using safety pins she fashioned a white sheet into a toga and wrapped a blue vitals monitor belt around her waist for a sash. Another patient on the floor offered up some baby’s breath, from her own flower arrangement, for the bride’s hairpiece.
Meanwhile, the dietary department kicked in some brownies as a cake. The gift shop donated chips and dip, and provided decorations for the reception in Reese’s room. One of the nurses found a bridal cake-topper in the gift shop. Someone in the medical photography department was called into be the wedding photographer. A visitor even played the Wedding March on the lobby piano as the bride was wheeled into the chapel.
Nurse Melody White shows Cynthia the gift shop figurine she found for the wedding.
“I can’t believe I didn’t have to pay for a wedding,” says the astonished bride.
The next day, it was back business when the new bride became a new mom. Michael Frederick Bof II was born on Thursday, weighing in at 4 pounds, 12 ounces. “He came out crying, which we didn’t expect—it was a miracle,” says Reese.
Because of his early arrival, little Michael is staying on at Akron General for the next two to three weeks. The newlyweds are spending most of their time in the hospital with their newborn. Unfortunately, Akron General doesn’t do honeymoon packages. “We’d like to take a real honeymoon down the road, but we’ve got a little guy now,” says Reese. “You know how life is.”
For now, her only post-wedding plan involves finding a place in her closet for her bed sheet bridal gown. “I’m totally going to keep it,” she says. “It’s the cheapest wedding dress ever made.”
The Bedsheet Bride 🙂
So there you have it! You may not have your dream wedding or even the wedding you planned, but it does not mean your moment is any less special. The fairy tale lies within finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with, not in how magical your wedding is.
So my wife and I are both in military and she is currently deployed at this time. So with her being gone, I send her things that she needs or wants that she can’t get overseas. Well about two weeks ago, I sent my wife a hard drive that I used when I was deployed to watch movies to help pass the time. Well on this hard drive that I sent her, it had pictures of an ex-girlfriend on it that I didn’t know where on there still because I hadn’t used it in a really long time.
My wife was pretty upset that I still had the pictures after us being together over a year. I can understand why she is upset; I can’t say that I wouldn’t have had the same feelings she did. But now she says she doesn’t trust me and things have been rocky for the past week. How do I go about rebuilding this trust that we have lost? I no longer talk to the ex that was on the hard drive but my wife is still hurt and angry. I am just lost on what to do because I love my wife and I tried to tell her that I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t. It’s not like we can just sit and talk because of her being gone. She has all the power of when we talk so if she doesn’t want to I can’t just walk up to her and try because she is gone. What would you do?
A: Dear Military Melodrama,
Yeah…that sucks. Not going to lie, it’s just one of those unfortunate situations. I believe it was an honest mistake on your part, it means nothing and you were actually just being a thoughtful husband; however everyone knows where there is distance between a couple there are heightened emotions. I do not know your history, but I will give you advice based on the assumption you have had a healthy relationship.
Put yourself in her shoes. Here she is away from her husband on deployment and he was sweet enough to send her a package. Awww. She opens the hard drive ready to watch some flicks and *gasp* what’s this? His ex!!!
Rational reaction:First check and see if there are any indicators of where the pictures were taken and if there are clues as to when they were taken and then facebook stalk to see if there is any other info to make a solid case. Call and see what the man I married has to say.
Irrational reaction:That lying, cheating #$%#$@^*&(… I knew it was too good to be true. Call my husband and give him a piece of my mind!
*After hearing her husband’s explanation*
Rational reaction:Okay that makes sense, honest mistake. I trust the man I married. Moving on.
Irrational reaction:I caught you! I can no longer trust you.
Does that sound about right? You mentioned you cannot speak with her without her calling you. That’s ok, she needs to cool off. Whether she is acting rationally or irrationally you are her husband and your job is to respect how she feels and do what you can to make her feel better , all while maintaining your innocence. I am guessing you can still either write a letter or email, right? Email is the preferred method seeing as it will get to her way before a letter would. Tell her you are sorry she had to see pictures of your ex, but they are of no significance to you. Tell her you understand why she is upset and you are will to be patient enough to allow her to work through the emotions she is experiencing. Let her know you love her and you will be there whenever she is ready to talk. Under no circumstances should you get defensive nor should you admit to any wrong doing. You are not guilty, but the fact remains seeing those pictures hurt her. You don’t need to actively work to regain her trust in this situation, just be respectful and patient and she will come around in her own time.
Love,
Miss J
A: Dear Hard Drive Cleanup,
A small and harmless mistake has led to much bigger problem – Welcome to the world of women! It is extremely unfortunate that the hard drive you sent her happened to have pictures of your ex-girlfriend, but I don’t believe she is warranted to lose trust in you. No person in their right mind would consciously send something to their significant other knowing it had some information that would raise a few eyebrows. I honestly believe you had no idea the pictures were on there and that you were just trying to be a good man by helping your wife overseas – and she should too!
She is entitled to ask questions pertaining to the pictures, but to blow the situation up and exclaim she cannot trust you is a bit extreme. For crying out loud – they are pictures! Now, if the pictures are a little racy…you will probably have a lot more explaining to do. I still have pictures with my ex-girlfriends on my computer and I have zero intentions of deleting them because the pictures signify memories. Period.
I would encourage you to stand your ground and explain to your wife that the pictures truly have no significance in the functioning of your relationship. Emotions run high on women, especially when there is distance between them and the person they love, so I’m sure she is reacting on a string of emotions. If the two of you weren’t thousands of miles away from each other, I firmly believe this question wouldn’t have been submitted. At the end of the day, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not the biggest proponent for unwarranted apologies, but if it’s getting worse than it is better, bite the bullet and apologize.
Before you tune into the presidential debate tonight take a look at Barack and Michelle Obama’s anniversary video. Today marks 20 years of marriage for the happy couple!
I’m in a relationship with someone who is a couple of years younger than me. We have been together for a while and I know that we are in love. However, I know that in a few years I will be at an age ready for marriage, but he will still be pretty young and probably not ready. Should I let our love dictate when we will think about marriage? Or should I find someone who is around the same age making their way towards settling down and starting a family?
A: Dear Marriage on the Mind,
I’m going to ask you one simple question: What is the right age to get married?
A very important principle that is misunderstood by popular culture is the idea that marriage should be reserved for people in a specific age bracket. Growing up, males are often told, “Son, you have the rest of your life to be married – go out, meet people and have fun!” While I do agree with this advice in some manner, I also disagree with it. This way of thinking may easily result in someone (male or female) pushing away their true partner simply because “it’s not the right time” or “I’m too young to marry this person”.
Newsflash: LOVE IS NOT CONVENIENT.
I understand age is a strong representation of our emotional and physical maturity, but it should not be used as the sole determining factor in deciding whether or not one should get married. Let’s be honest, you have absolutely zero insight into knowing if he – or even YOU – will be ready for marriage in a “few years”. Just because you may be “age-ready” doesn’t mean you will be “love-ready” or “mentally-ready”. The most important factor in a marriage is simple – love. Let your love decide when it’s time to get married! In the meantime, continue strengthening the connection between your significant other and let time play it’s role. Life happens day-by-day, not year-by-year.
And for this question: “Or should I find someone who is around the same age making their way towards settling down and starting a family?” Just re-read the question multiple times and see how foolish it really sounds.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear for Love’s Sake,
Let me get this straight…you are asking if you should leave your current boyfriend (whom you love) because you want to get married in a couple of years and that MAY be enough time to find someone else who also wants to get married soon; meanwhile the man you love will marry someone else in another couple of years and have the life you could have had if you were just a little more patient?
Let me ask you this, given the choice would you rather have an okay life with almost everything you want in 2 years or the life you really want in 4 years?
True love is a gift; you should never have to choose between being in love or getting married. They should go hand in hand. You want to be in a place where you want to get married BECAUSE you are in love. There is no way to know whether or not he will be ready to marry in a couple years, you don’t even know if you will really be ready. All women have a timeline, but if you ask most of them they will say things did not quite go as planned. If you are happy,not just content – I mean really really happy in your relationship, you should stay. Love is not guaranteed and neither is marriage, if you found a good one you should hold on to him! Things will progress naturally no matter his age.
I completely understand why you feel you have to get married/have children by a certain age. As women, we are very aware of our biological clock and we know our baby maker will only work for so long.
Is he aware of your concerns or are you just assuming he is not thinking about it and will not think about it anytime soon? In any relationship, it is important for you to communicate your expectations with your significant other. Ask him what age he thinks he wants to get married and how many kids he wants. I remember when Mr. J and I first started talking about when we wanted to get married (at this point we were not even discussing marrying each other) I said I wanted to be 28 and he said he wanted to be 30. I can tell you now, that’s not happening. We definitely over shot. Things change and people change their minds. On the flip side, if you have “the conversation” and he says he never wants to get married and never wants to have kids you might want to reevaluate. So that’s my advice, talk to the man! You may even be surprised by his answer!
