Posted on

Dating a Married Man

Dear Love Jays,

I’m seeing a married man. Even typing this I know how wrong it is and this will not end well but I can’t find it in me to stop seeing him. Yes he is married and has children, yes he is unhappy in his marriage, and yes he wants to leave. But I know he hasn’t left her yet and has a family to support, so what is wrong with me?

I haven’t had a relationship in years and it is the first time I have felt any type of love. This I know is part of my problem, wanting to be with someone but this obviously is not the right way to start a relationship. I don’t understand why I am doing something I know is totally wrong.

Advice?

 Dear Forbidden Love,

I cringed while reading this, not out of judgment, but because this is not something people talk about. I could easily dismiss you and call you a whore,bitch, Jezebel every name in the book; however I am pretty sure this happens more than people like to admit and I appreciate you coming forward to start the conversation.

I’m not going to bother telling you that you aren’t in love because there is no way I can know that for sure.

The Facts:

He’s married and you aren’t his wife. He has children and you aren’t their mother. You’re lonely and he’s willing to give you part-time love. He took a vow and you did not.

Here’s what you need to know:

He’s married and you are a secret. He is not going to show you off proudly, ever. Even if you end up together you will always be associated with failure. Let’s say he does in fact leave his wife. What is going to stop him from leaving you? If love, marriage, children and vows couldn’t hold him what makes you think his side chick can? (Sorry, just have to be honest)   Also, what about his children? Are you ready to face them if need be? What is your end game? This is not going to result  in a victory for you. You’ll either lose his heart or your soul.

The theme of your relationship will always be ALMOST. I almost trust him, I almost have him to myself, we almost have something worth bragging about, we almost made it, we are almost decent people, I almost respect myself, we almost did the right thing, he almost loves me the way I deserve to be loved, I am almost happy…almost.

You know what you are doing. No need to tell you that you are wrong because you already know, but I am going to say it anyway. You are wrong and what you are doing is not in any way okay. You think you are just lighting a match, but really you are setting a whole house on fire. He’s not the only one dishing out part time love, you are also loving yourself that way. I’m going to ask you to choose yourself, and no that doesn’t mean give into your lust, it means love yourself enough to walk away. Be worthy of deserving better.

Love,

Miss J

P.S. For those people out there who are having an affair with a married man/woman just for the sex.  THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER PEOPLE TO HAVE SEX WITH. No excuse. Do better!

Dear Playing With Fire,

Three words that shouldn’t be used to describe us — The Other Woman.

It’s one thing to date someone who is in a committed relationship (I’m in NO WAY supporting side chick efforts), but when the marriage line is crossed, you have entered some next level sh*t. When two people commit to each other, they are entering a contract (legal, spiritual, cultural, social) to support, respect, honor and love their significant other until the end of time. The vows people exchange are meant to be more than just words, but actions lived out every day. And within those vows, the fair majority of people agree to commit *monogamously to one another.

*Note: If you are not in a monogamous marriage, I’m happy for you and am not arguing in favor of one over another. To each his own.

I’m going to take a wild guess and say the man you are currently “seeing” committed to his wife monogamously, but has since shied away from the words he said on that “special” day. It’s not my place to speculate why or why not his marriage isn’t working. Everyone experiences their own struggles and has different ways of dealing with them. However, I will acknowledge that escaping his marital problems by “seeing” you only makes things ten times worse.

We live in an era of distraction. And unfortunately, you are his distraction.

Instead of looking in the mirror and holding himself accountable for his shortcomings, he has used you to keep his mind off the real problems. The love he is showing you may be something you haven’t experienced before, but are you worth 2nd place love? Listen to your conscience — I’m sure it’s the reason you submitted this question.

Love,

Mr. J

 

Posted on

Casual Sex Solution?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

In today’s modern American society it feels like you have to be in a relationship to have sex without negative stigmas being attached to it. If you are single and having lots of sex, whether you are a guy or a girl, people develop negative opinions about you as a person, calling you a “slut” or a “manwhore.” I don’t want to be in a relationship, but I also don’t want to miss out on one of life’s greatest pleasures. Is there an elegant solution?

A: Dear Casually Sexin’,

We currently live in a hypersexualized society. From the ads saturating the digital media platforms to the songs aired on the radio, sexual innuendos bombard our senses 24/7. What use to be an act of privacy, respect and love has now been marketed as cool, flashy and powerful. And to make matters worse, more and more young people (not teenagers, KIDS) are engaging in sexual activities.

It’s hard to deny that sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures. No need to go into details here, but the majority of those who have participated in the act will probably agree. I like to compare sex to alcohol. If you wait until the proper age and handle it responsibly, few problems (if any) will arise. If you handle it irresponsibly and ignore the consequences that may follow, sex shifts from life’s greatest pleasure to life’s greatest vice.

It’s important to handle sex with care and have an open flow of communication with your sexual partner(s). Regardless what some will argue, sex entails more than just the physical “feel good”. Emotions will play a role some place down the line, so be mindful of the people you choose to sleep with and the reasons behind it. If everyone is on the same page, I’m all for it.

In regards to the “slut” or “manwhore” comments, let people have their opinions. If people kept their sexual lives private and stopped broadcasting it to the world (friends, social media) or wear it as an honor badge on their sleeve, people wouldn’t be in a position to make such comments. Show the decency to respect others and most importantly, yourself. If the negative comments are starting to take their toll, maybe it’s time to reexamine your actions and decide if you are happy the way you are living.

Be you. Be happy. Be comfortable.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want to Have Fun,

Well, as people say: Opinions are like butt-holes, everyone has one.

If you are comfortable and confident in your lifestyle than who cares what anyone else thinks?  Let’s look at it this way, would you really be doing anyone any favors if you were to enter into a relationship just for the sake of having sex with one individual? Probably not.

I am celibate and from the outside looking in it may look like I am a prude, but that’s far from the truth. If I concerned myself with how people viewed my decision I would probably be back to doing to the do by now.

As long as you are safe, feel good about yourself and have consenting partners, I see nothing wrong with you living your life the way you see fit. After all it is YOUR life.

Love,

Miss J 

Have a question for the Love Jays?

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Submit Questions Anonymously Below:’ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

© LoveJays 2013

Posted on

How Quickly Do Men Think of the “Future”

Happy August Family!

Can you believe we are already starting the 8th month of 2012? I still remember bringing in the New Year with the lovely Miss J, my brother and a few of his friends down in Pasadena, CA like it was yesterday! Not to mention the atrocious beard I was rockin’ – I’m sure it would have made James Harden cringe. Yes, it was that bad. Guess that is what happens when you take “No Shave November” too far. Don’t’ worry, I have learned my lesson.

Last week, the Love Jays received a question that only warranted a man’s opinion. Here is the question:

“Patience. I have to setup the question(s). Most women, some will deny this, will meet a guy and in their minds immediately jump to the future or to some label (i.e. boyfriend, husband, baby daddy). “The future” can be multiple scenarios. But women decide if this person is worth their time. Imaginary long-term possibilities are explored within minutes of the initial encounter. Do men do the same? If not, at what point do men label or explore/decide on the future potential of women? What makes THAT woman stand out in the millions you meet.”

Side bar: For all the women reading this post who play out similar scenarios, bless your little heart. I send my sincerest regards to your emotions and brain for having to deal with such calculations.

Let’s sum this answer up quickly – absolutely not. Upon meeting a woman, the first and typically only thing men are thinking about is satisfying the physical desire that is burning in both of our heads. Pun intended. Moving on. I wish I could sit here and defend the stereotypes hurled against men for caring too much about the physical, but the harsh reality is that most men aren’t thinking anything about “the next steps” until many days, weeks or even months down the line.

Men are physical creatures. We are naturally aroused when we see an attractive women. It’s in our genetics. We don’t control it. As a result, the animalistic nature inside of us takes over and we quickly decipher if we should attempt to swing for the fences or stay in the dugout and cheer from a distance. Now of course, not all men think or act this way. There are some gentleman left in this world who suppress their natural urges and rationally sift through their mental checklist to decide if you are “future material” relatively quickly.

Some advice going forward – embrace the mindset that all men are only concerned about satisfying themselves. Call our bluff. Force us to play a different hand. We love to be challenged and love when a woman offers something different. A confident, strong and intelligent woman will have a man running in circles trying to make you his future!

You want a man to think about the future quicker? Change the game! The ball is in your court. We are the greatest puppets in the world!

What has been your experience LoveJays fam? How do you get men to think about the future quicker? Fellas, agree or disagree? Let’s discuss it!

Peace and Blessings,

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

The Case of the Open Relationship

Q: Dear Love Jays,

For younger couples-

Since this a time focused on discovery and growth, Do you think open relationships can be succesful?

A: Dear Open Relationship,

Open relationships…people really have these? Oops, let me get to the question.

Can open relationships be successful? Sure. Will open relationships typically turn into a serious and loving relationship? I’ll bet against it.

Open relationships are poor excuses for people who aren’t mature enough to make a serious commitment. Why even waste the energy to be in an “open relationship” when you will most likely act the same if your were single? I understand it’s nice to have someone who you can talk to everyday, hang out with often and satisfy each others physical desires; however, there comes a point when one of the parties involved will start developing emotions much stronger than the “open relationship” contract allows. It’s a ticking time bomb that is waiting to explode. I am all for people using their 20’s as a time to focus on discovery and growth, so if that is truly what you are focused on, let’s not waste anyone’s time with a pseudo-relationship.

If you want a relationship – embrace all the aspects of one. If you aren’t ready to embrace that role, that’s okay. Enjoy the precious moments of the single life – discover yourself, go on dates, meet new people, act a fool and tell everyone on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or any other social media platform that’s on your iPhone!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Open for business, 

That’s a tough call. As a female I would argue it depends on whose idea it is. If it is the male’s call and the female’s intention is to go along with it until he is ready to commit I don’t think it will ever turn into anything of substance. If it is the female’s call and the reason is for discovery and growth (with the intention of eventually making it work) I think it is easier for a male to go along with that without getting to emotionally invested before the right time. It’s just a fact of life, men and women have different emotional makeup, be it nature or nurture we are different and what we can handle and how long we can handle it depends heavily on that fact.  If you are both on the same page then more power to you! I think it is manageable, but I also think in the end someone always end up getting hurt. Let me put it this way, either one of you has ever said “You can do whatever you want outside of what we have, I just don’t want to hear about it”  it is not going to end well.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012