In this weeks episode we discuss Miss J’s eating habits, Kobe Bryant’s injury, friendships with the opposite sex while in a relationship and a really interesting sex fact. Special guests, spoken word artists SuperB and MK Ultra.
Love,
J&J
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© LoveJays 2013
My fiance goes out to bars and stuff. Recently, I saw him texting a female who he said is just a friend. What is your view on guys having females as friend who they meet after already being in a relationship.
Developing new friendships of the opposite sex, while in a relationship, can often be a bit tricky. We are naturally attracted to like-minded people and it’s impossible to completely “turn-off” our friendly demeanor because we are in a committed relationship. We have all met some of our friends at the most random of places or times, yet that is the beauty of life and these friendships.
I’ve always been an active proponent for developing new friendships throughout our various stages of life; however, it is very important to exercise common decency and respect when developing new friendships. Our intentions may be completely innocent and pure, but those same intentions may not be reciprocated by the other person. Miss J has often expressed that women are more attracted to men who are in relationships because it shows that these men have the capability of committing. As much as I have tried ignoring this statement, it has proven to be true more times than not.
I’m not against making new friends of the opposite sex, but it’s critical to make your significant other aware of this newly formed friendship. If introducing the two would cause a problem, chances are very likely this “friendship” probably shouldn’t exist.
Love,
Mr. J
My initial response is to say there is no such thing as a new female friend. Yea…that’s about it.
There should be no one-on-one hanging out. Texting is okay, but not in length.
“Hey, what time is the mandatory meeting tomorrow?”
*his response should be short and sweet and as should hers.
“Hey, how was your day? I was bummed in that meeting at work today, but then I saw you and it made me smile. xoxo”
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2013
In the recent question regarding The Truth About Texting, both of you guys made the same very interesting point. Mr J said, “And as a woman, you should demand his attention and respect.” while Miss J said, “I say this in love…DO NOT BE AFRAID TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS! You get what you demand. Now would be a great time to demand that whoever is interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.”
My question is how do you make those demands? I feel like I’ve demanded from my boyfriend that respect and attention and whatnot and it seems to only create more strife/conflict in our relationship. Is there a right way to do this that I don’t know about?
I’m just going to dive right in.
When it comes to communication, you have to teach people how to communicate with you. For example, if you want someone to call you instead of texting and they shoot you a text saying,”How was your day?”, you would respond by saying, “Call me when you have a moment and I will tell you all about it.” That is what I meant by “demand that whoever is interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.” Now on to your question…
These are all very important questions to consider; when you have a quiet moment, I want you to write down the answers down and evaluate your expectations vs. reality.
How you go about demanding respect is crucial. You cannot do it by disrespecting someone into submission and you cannot do it by leaving it up to someone else’s discretion on how to treat you. You have to do it by, first, respecting yourself and second, by giving that person the respect you expect to receive. If the person is unwilling to meet the level of respect you expect (that is where the respect for yourself comes in), you leave. Respect is essential and without i,t you cannot have a healthy relationship.
Attention can also be tricky, some people need more attention that others. If your idea of attention is being together all of the time and talking on the phone every second you spend apart then that is an unrealistic expectation. No one can give someone 100% attention 100% of the time. On the flip side, if you are only able see your boyfriend twice a week and when you see him he is always preoccupied with something else then you have a valid case.
In college Mr. J and I spent a lot of time together, but it was never quality time. It always felt like I just happened to be there and he would go about his day. He honestly thought we were spending quality time together just because we were in the same room. I told him it was not about the quantity of time, but the quality of the time we spent together. I would rather see him for one hour everyday and really spend time with each other, than see him ten hours of every day but not ever engage in something meaningful. This whole interaction left me needy; I eventually wanted all of his time hoping it would eventually turn into something of quality. It never did and we broke up.
I am not saying you have to break up, I am just saying there comes a point when you have to accept the facts. Everyone is capable of giving their significant other attention and respect, they just might not be willing. Lay everything out on the table, tell your boyfriend exactly what you need and expect. If he is unwilling to meet those needs and expectations, it’s time to move on you have to decide what to do from there.
Love,
Miss J
Relationships are a working partnership consisting of two people giving 100% effort towards making it successful. We’ve often heard relationships referenced as “50/50”, but the reality is that if both parties aren’t consciously striving to give their best effort, the relationship will likely fail.
Aside from effort, communication and sacrifice complete the relationship trinity. Relationships require daily maintenance and it thrives when two people are willing to commit themselves to the work. The work will not always be fun, but the dividends we receive from working hard is usually well worth it.
Have you noticed a common theme within the first two paragraphs?
“Two people”
“Both parties”
“Themselves”
We can make demands all day, but if we are with a partner who isn’t willing to work towards satisfying those demands…you’re wasting precious time and energy. It is our responsibility to enter relationships with a REASONABLE level of expectation and communicate these feelings prior to starting one. If you “demanded” your man to treat you (respect and attention) a certain way, yet you have allowed him to act below those standards, who is to blame? It’s easy to point the finger in the opposite direction; however, both of you are equally responsible for maintaining an acceptable respect level.
The hardest component in communicating effectively is not what we say, but how we say it. “Demand” has a strong overtone and people often shut down or rebel when slapped with one. We have to carefully structure our words in way that expresses our discontent without coming off too aggressive or attacking. When Miss J and I have had our own issues, she does a great job of expressing her feelings without putting me on the defensive; the times when the opposite has happened, it only led to more frustration and confusion.
Managing strife and conflict is an essential task of every relationship, yet we should never sacrifice our feelings or self-worth to avoid it. You have to decide what you are willing to accept, then act accordingly.
Love,
Mr. J
For your listening enjoyment 🙂
Happy Monday!
In this week’s episode, we discussed text messaging in the dating world, the importance of father-daughter/son relationships, and the perfect picnic basket. We were joined by Dominic Riley, Co-Host of Forkin’ Amazing on TradioV and Mr. J’s brother.
Love,
J&J
Have a question for the Love Jays?
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All of my girlfriends friends are wild. They cheat on their boyfriends and are always trying to get with other guys. They encourage her to be unfaithful and wild like them. They undermine our relationship and disrespect it. What do I do?
Let me get this straight, ALL of her friends are wild, every last on of them? And she is the only angel?
I am not saying she is guilty of cheating or being wild herself, I am just simply curious as to why your girlfriend would hang out with an entire group of girls who are ALL wild and cheat.
Friends, in my experience, often share qualities we either posses or admire. Every once in a while we have a friend or two who are completely different from the others, but for the most part your real friends all have something in common with you and something in common with each other. There is always a trend.
You are saying in your girlfriend’s case the trend is that her friends are wild and cheat. It can be argued, based on my observations, that your girlfriend either possesses or admires these traits. I am not pointing fingers, just saying it’s something to consider.
It is not up to you to “fix” the problem. She has to be the one to seek out healthier friendships and terminate the friendships she currently has. You can express how you feel, but when doing this it would probably be best not to have an accusatory tone. Approach her calmly and lay it all out. DO NOT tell her she “can’t” hang out with them anymore, if you do your conversation WILL backfire. The rest is up to her.
If she decides to make changes* based on your conversation, great. If not, you have to decide how you feel about that and decide what you are and are not willing to deal with.
*a change may not necessarily mean she is no longer friends with the girls, it just may mean she hangs out a little less and maybe seeks out some new friendships as well. Be willing to compromise!
Love,
Miss J
Friendships are vital in all of our lives and the company we keep is a direct reflection on us. If you were to select your five closest friends and have a person (who only knew you) talk with them for an hour, that person should leave the room and be able to piece together the reasons why they are your friends.
If your girlfriend is hanging around people who are “wild” and undermine and disrespect their relationships, it may say something about her personality. I’m definitely not saying she acts similarly to her friends, but there is no doubting that our friends help influence our behaviors and actions. If your girlfriend values and respects your relationship, spending time with people who care less about it is probably not the best idea. In my close circle of male friends, I’m the only one who has been in a long-term, committed relationships. And guess what? None of them have encouraged me to disrespect Miss J in any form or fashion and are always there to support.
At one point, your girlfriend’s friends may have been in alignment with her state of mind. But as we mature, our goals and priorities shift, which then causes us to reexamine the company we keep and requires us to make some changes. If you believe these friends could be toxic to her and your relationship, it’s time to speak with your girlfriend and express your concern. Remember, you have NO RIGHT to tell her who she can/cannot be friends with, so it’s important not to attack.
Once your feelings have been expressed, the ball is in her court and she has to decide if these friendships are worth keeping. Regardless of how much you may dislike her friends, they are her friends and you have to respect her decision.
Love,
Mr. J
I’m curious about this whole texting and dating situation. I’ve never been much of a texter — and to be honest, I hate texting. It’s bothersome and you never know what to say and when the other person doesn’t text back, it leaves you wondering, “What?” I’ve just recently started “talking” to someone and it all started one night because we texted for four hours straight. He initiated talk throughout the week but this weekend, conversation has been sporadic. I won’t hear from him for four hours but when I do, he still seems interested. Sometimes when I ask a question, it’ll take him a whole day to get back to me. I know he’s a busy person but I can’t help but wonder. My friends say that most guys are just shitty communicators when it comes to texting. Is that the case or is he just not interested anymore? Is texting just a shitty way to communicate too? Or has it just gotten to a point where he knows he has me and therefore doesn’t feel the need to court me via text message?
First, let me say I do consider texting an acceptable form of communication. It’s a great way to send and receive information quickly when you do not feel like/cannot pick up the phone. However, when “talking” to and individual it would be nice if you guys actually verbally talked. Texting leaves too much to be interpreted, especially when you are trying to communicate how much you do or do not like a potential mate.
As far as your question goes, I think it is safe to say he was excited when he first started talking to you and now he is less excited. Does this mean he does not like you? Not necessarily. Let me put it this way, he’s definitely not head over heels. No one who wants to communicate is bad at communicating. It’s not difficult to respond to a text message. Sadly, your friends have been misinformed and are passing along their misinformation to you. If he was really that terrible at texting (is that even a real thing?) he would not have been so responsive in the first place.
Confession: I say I am bad at responding to text all the time. What I really should say is “I read your message and opt not to respond right away because I am doing something else I am more interested in doing at the time.”
Sad, but true and also not an acceptable excuse when trying to seriously get to know a person.
Also, there is no such thing as “courting via text message”. It is literally the most impersonal mode of communication.
I say this in love…DO NOT BE AFRAID TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS!
You get what you demand. Now would be a great time to demand that whoever is interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.
Love,
Miss J
Let’s start this with a simple PSA to all the men: STOP USING TEXT MESSAGING AS YOUR PRIMARY METHOD OF COMMUNICATION!
SMS: it’s an acronym. (S)hort (M)essaging (S)service. Keyword: SHORT.
Text messaging was developed with the intention of exchanging quick, short-handed conversations without having to call someone. It wasn’t developed to prevent people from ever using their cell phones to ACTUALLY dial a phone number and have a verbal conversation with another human being! Imagine that — using our phones to call people? What a strange concept. You mean to tell me cell phones aren’t just made for downloading 2000 apps or stalking friends on social media or taking pictures of every pointless thing in life?
I’m not bashing text messaging; I use the service everyday. However, I am calling out all those who write college length essays over a text message. Really? Were all those characters necessary? In the time it took you to type everything, you could’ve done the following:
1. Dialed my number
2. Listened to the phone ring at least 3 times before I picked up.
3. Asked your question using half of the words you were going to type.
4. Received the answer to your question.
5. Had a 3-5 minute conversation discussing at least five other things.
You see what we did there? By picking up the phone, we were actually able to discuss multiple topics (in a short amount of time) AND we didn’t have to decode your poor use of the English language or emoticons. Fascinating.
Want to hear more about my opinions on text messaging when dating? Good, I’m glad you agreed.
Where were we? That’s right, something about texting a guy for four hours.
FOUR HOURS?
I’m all for getting to know someone, but if you can’t pick up the phone and carry-on a halfway intelligent conversation, you clearly aren’t as interested as you give off. What makes you think a man who isn’t willing to SPEAK with you is willing to be SEEN with you? Any man who is genuinely interested in getting to know a woman on a more personal level will have no problem picking up the phone, regardless how “busy” he may be or how “poor” he communicates. And as a woman, you should demand his attention and respect. Winning the gold medal shouldn’t be easy, right?
Love,
Mr. J
P.S. Courting via text messaging doesn’t exist. The end. 🙂
© LoveJays 2013
