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R&R after a Break Up

Today’s post is inspired by a question we received yesterday and a conversation I had with  a newly single friend, the question was as follows: 

 “I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?”

Mr. J and I both responded with wait, reflect, and go from there; but I did not really go into full detail as to why those steps are so important. I want to explain (from a woman’s perspective) why it is imperative to take time as a young woman for yourself.

I am speaking from my experience as a woman in her early twenties, but I am sure everyone will be able to pull a little something from this post.

It’s no secret that about a year ago, Mr. J and I broke up. I saw it coming from a mile away, but when it finally hit, it hit hard. In the beginning I was devastated; crying on the floor (full out fetal position-pathetic, I know) and absolutely heartbroken. Once I was able to accept what was happening, I found I was completely and utterly emotionally exhausted and it was not from all the crying. I had been emotionally draining myself for months and I was not even aware of it. This is common for breakups; most of us try to hold on to what we have because we are afraid of loosing it, no matter the cost. 

When my relationship started going down hill, I was only focused on Mr. J’s happiness. I stopped paying attention to what I really wanted and was doing everything in my power to try to make it work.  After all, that’s what love is right? Wrong! Not only was I not loving Mr. J right, I was also not loving myself right.

After this realization something amazing happened, I focused on “me”. I have always had great self-esteem, but there was something missing. I rediscovered myself, which was an interesting development because I was not aware I lost myself in the first place. I found that I had grown, the last time I focused on myself I was only 18, just a girl. Now I was a woman with a lot to offer and proud of it. I thoroughly enjoyed immersing myself in all things Joy. I discovered I am strong, passionate, confident,capable and best of all I was able to finally understand I did not need anyone to be all of those things. Those qualities belong to me. Of course I was willing to share, but I could sleep easy knowing I was a complete woman with or without any man – and a darn good one at that!

As time passed and I explored my identity further, I had yet another light bulb moment and that was that I actually LIKED myself! From there, loving myself was easy. I essentially dated myself. I got to know myself, went out a few times, found a few new hobbies, and voilà…there it was… Love. 

Now the relationship I have with Mr. J is ten times better because my happiness is not dependent on his. I am not afraid of being alone, and most importantly, I have discovered my worth as a woman and nothing can take that away from me. Ever. 

I encourage all women going through a breakup to really take advantage of the time you have afterwards. Yes, it is important to reflect on your past relationship and understand what you can do in the future in order for your next relationship to remain as healthy as possible. But, the best thing you can do for yourself and your next relationship is have YOU together. 

Best Wishes to you all. 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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Me Time

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I’m newly single after a fairly serious relationship. Some people say to take time before dating again and some say to get back on the horse! What do you guys think?

 A: Dear New to the Single Life, 

 I’m going to keep this short – Take.Time.For.Yourself!

It’s imperative for people who just ended relationships to have some good ole’ quality “Me-time”. Time can be a couple weeks, a few months or even a year or two, but whatever is the appropriate amount of time for you, don’t waste it! Use the time to get yourself together, go on some dates, reflect on your past relationship and ask a few questions.

 How did this relationship affect the person I am today?

Could I have done more to make the relationship stronger?

What characteristics do I want in my next relationship?

What did I like and dislike about my relationship?

What am I willing to sacrifice next time?

Am I ready for another relationship?

 If you aren’t asking these questions and truly working towards improving upon the person you were in the previous relationship, you are doing yourself and your future partner an extreme disservice. When has rushing anything typically led to better results? 

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

 A: Dear Single and Not Sure if you Want to Mingle, 

 It is probably in your best interest, and in the best interest of the next person you date seriously to take some time for yourself. 

 A failed long-term relationship takes a lot out of you and typically right after a break up you experience a very serious emotional roller coaster. Nobody needs to be along for the ride but you. Your family and friends should be there for support of course, but you never want to try to fill the void an ex left by filling it with a new person. Instead fill it with love for yourself and make it so that there is no more void to fill, there is just room for a person for you to love in a new space. 

 Dating is an excellent idea, but only when you are really ready. You never know who you are going to end up falling in love with. Better to be mended and ready, than broken and unavailable for something really great. Take your time. Good luck! 

 Love, 

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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Young Love

Q: Dear Love Jays,

 I started dating my boyfriend when I was 21 and we’ve been together 3 years now. It bugs me when other people dismiss relationships that start young as “young love” that must inevitably pass. I think people are so cynical about relationships nowadays. I know you guys are young and serious too…do you think people are correct in the assumption that you have to find someone when you are older for it to last?

 A: Dear Young and in Love,

Those who dismiss relationships between young people as purely “young love” and something that must pass are typically making judgements based on their own personal experiences. Just think about how different the dating scene of today is compared to 20 years ago! Technology has truly revolutionized how people communicate and our current generation is right in the thick of it all. We are constantly “plugged in” and can be accessed by anyone (literally – anyone from around the world) in a click of a button. Whereas 20 years ago, if you didn’t want to be contacted by people, it was relatively easy to focus on the matters of the self and enjoy time all to yourself.

 Even though technology has made means of dating and love much more prevalent in our generation, the reality is that love is completely non-discriminatory and does not have an age limit. You could be 16 and fall in love, just as you can be 60 and find love for the first time! Each person experiences a different route in finding love, so it is completely biased and unfair to say that someone’s relationship is not real simply because of their age. We cannot deny the fact that young relationships often exhibit great immaturity and requires a steady maturation process, but at the end of the day, maturation doesn’t stop in your 20’s. We are constantly evolving and maturing in every stage of life; the process is just much more visual while we are young.

 In regards to the nonsense that one should be older to find a relationship to last – I’m pretty sure older people are still getting divorces, too! We have each been blessed to find love at a young age, so embrace it and ignore what others have to say. I wouldn’t be surprised if 75% of the people saying this foolery are single, divorced, or never-married! 

 Bitter party of 2? Your table is ready!

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

A: Dear Real Love, 

Absolutely not! You know what they say about assuming…it makes an a** out of you and me. It’s not about being the “right” age it’s about being with the right person. Love does not discriminate.

 People do not mean any harm when they say you are experiencing “young love”, what they mean is you are loving as if you have never been burned before, your walls aren’t as high and you aren’t loving in a guarded way. You can experience young love at any age really. The older you are and the more sour experiences you have, the more skeptical you are. For those people young love is not lasting love. On the flip side there are other older couples who have been together since their 20’s and they are still going strong. Their young love did grow into a lasting love. 

 No one really knows what you and your boyfriend have, but you and your boyfriend. If you know you are in love and you two have each other’s back then I say let the haters hate, they will eventually see what you have is real 🙂 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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Religion and Relationships

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’ve been dating this girl for a few months and she claims she’s an atheist. I’ve grown up with a strong Christian background and even though I may not be an avid church goer, I still have Christian convictions and ultimately believe in God and the existence of Jesus Christ. Our relationship seems to be fine and growing at a normal pace, but when conversations about spirituality or God come up it feels like we hit a wall. I’ve never been one to force my beliefs on others, but I also want to feel comfortable with someone when I do open up about this. Should I walk away from this before this relationship goes further, or should I give her time to find a common ground?

A: Dear Religion Dilemma,

This is a tough question to answer. I typically like to give the most unbiased answer as possible to all of our questions, but this topic is near and dear to my heart.

I have always said that it is not about religion, it is about relationship (in regards to God); but if you ask me which belief system I identify with the most I would say Christianity.

In my experience, a relationship with God is something that is at your core. There can be a lot of other things around the core (i.e. similar interest, love of the same food, same taste in music, etc.) but at the end of the day it is what is at the center of you that shapes who you are and how you go about handling certain situations.

This does not mean the woman you are dating is a bad apple at the core; it just means she is on a different spiritual journey. You never force your belief system onto another individual; however you should always be able to share without feeling uncomfortable (and vice versa). Eventually you will come to a fork in the road when you will have to choose to either keep your beliefs at bay, or to keep hitting that spiritual wall. You say everything is fine at the moment, but if you feel like you are at that fork now than it looks like you have a decision to make. I’m not sure a breakup is in order, but some self/relationship evaluation definitely is. Since you are a man of God my best advice is to pray on it : )

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Religion in Relationships,

Religion and politics are the two subjects that can bring the best and worst out of any person. Each one embodies strong convictions from its believers and supporters, and often times, most people stand very firm on their beliefs. It’s often been said these topics should be kept away from conversations with close friends and family, but in reality, it’s the exact opposite.

Religion is the source of spiritual guidance, understanding, happiness, peace, anger, frustration, debate and controversy. Some believe in God or a god, while others believe religion is foolish and the reason for much violence in the world. It’s a personal decision and whatever you choose to believe is neither wrong or right.

Personally, I have wrestled back-and-forth with religion my entire life. I did not grow up in a religious household, but we (1 brother, 1 sister) were raised on Christian morals and values. Church was not a part of our weekly routine and my parents never shoved religion down our throats. I attended religiously affiliated schools, but I could never fully wrap my head around religion. I always believed in God, but didn’t really understand what it meant. It wasn’t until last year that I made a conscious effort to better understand my beliefs and become more active in seeking a relationship with God. I have never been a fan of organized religion for several reasons, but my beliefs are based in Christianity. The process of seeking God is full of learning, difficulties and confusion, but since making the commitment, my life has become more meaningful.

I share my testimony because I have noticed a shift in the person I am becoming and the deep connection Miss J and I have developed with each other. Our relationship no longer exists just in the physical, but in the spiritual. It genuinely feels different. It’s hard to explain, but the change is evident.

Your relationship will continue to grow and could blossom into something great, but I’m not sure if it will reach it’s full potential without a spiritual support system. I encourage you to engage in conversations about spirituality and discover the reasons why each of you believe in something different. It will most likely be very uncomfortable, but it’s important to understand the people we are committing to beyond the physical. Listen to your heart and progress in the ways you feel necessary.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Have a question for the Love Jays?

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© LoveJays 2012

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Love Doctor?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Me and Mr J. are old friends; he would probably never guess who I am, but it’s great seeing my boy do his love thing. I find it kinda funny actually, but how did you become such a love doctor?

A: Dear Old Friend,

Thank you for submitting this question and supporting an old friend! You’re right, I have no idea who you are, but hopefully our paths will cross in the near future and the two of us can shoot the breeze and laugh together like old times.

I definitely wouldn’t consider myself a love doctor in any manner. I’m just an ordinary guy who fell in love with an amazing woman, which then resulted in me truly understanding the meaning of love. I couldn’t have envisioned just six months ago that I would ever be writing a blog giving advice to young people about love, dating, or relationships. It’s actually ironic because I was the one always asking for relationship advice, and now I am the one sharing my experiences. I’m sure if you ask any of my college teammates or friends about this blog, 98% of them would have never believed I would be giving advice on such topics.

Love Jays is a testimony to the idea of how we, as individuals, cannot always foresee the opportunities life will present and the rewards that will come along the way. I’ve have always prayed to touch the lives of people around the world, but I never imagined this blog would be the first platform to give my voice an outlet. I encourage each of you to open your minds and embrace new experiences because you never know if your true calling lies behind a door you are afraid or unwilling to open.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Mr. J’s Old Friend, 

Co-Sign 😉

Love,

Miss J

Have a Question for the Love Jays?

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© LoveJays 2012

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Loving Yourself

Two months ago, Miss J and I were sitting in her apartment when a friend suggested we start a blog giving love advice to young people. We each swept the idea under the rug in the beginning, but as a few weeks passed, the two of us decided to give it a shot. Miss J has always been passionate about love and giving advice, while I typically just gave advice because I enjoy talking and like the sound of my own voice. Miss J and I brainstormed a name for the blog, did a bit of research then BOOM – July 13th came and Love Jays was born. I had never written anything about relationships, dating, love or any of the other topics we discuss on this platform, but I quickly realized what we were doing was something people actually enjoy! If you look back at all the articles, we have touched on various different topics relating to “all-things-love”, but we have never really touched on the most important love topic – loving yourself.

Loving yourself sounds easy enough, but the act of truly loving ourselves is one of the most challenging quest all of us will face or are currently facing. Up until about a year ago, I couldn’t be convinced that I didn’t love me some me. Everywhere I went, I was the loudest person within a 10 mile radius, always wanted to be the center of attention and couldn’t wait to talk some sh*t with my friends. I was an absolute clown, but I was convinced I loved that person everyone grew to know. When I graduated college, everything changed.

My basketball career was over. My closest friends were no longer around the corner. I was no longer “the man” on campus. I didn’t have a job. I had to move back home. I was alone. I was depressed. I was confused. Who was I? For the first time in my life, I was forced to be alone in my thoughts and spend time reflecting on the Justin I portrayed to the world. For so long, I led people to believe I had it all together and was living a happy life.

My girlfriend (Miss J) was one of the most attractive women on campus. Captain of the basketball team. President of the Black Student Union. Outreach Assistant for the Office of Admission. It appeared I had what everyone wanted. But despite how put together it may have looked, I was completely broken inside. I lashed out and attempted to be the “cool” guy, the “hard ass”, the “I’m better than you” because I didn’t know what else to do. I struggled and I struggled. I made more enemies than friends, but I didn’t care. I loved me some me, right? Wrong.

I write this blog as an open invitation into my struggle of figuring out who I am and how to really love and accept that person. I don’t have it all together. I, like most of you, am continuing to seek my purpose in life and am working towards becoming a man of strong moral integrity, love, passion and respect. Strip away the Love Jays and Mr.J. I am You and You are me. We struggle together.

So, what does it mean to love yourself and how do we do it? I don’t have all the answers, but I can say that it is imperative that you spend some quiet time bi-weekly or monthly reflecting on the person you are in your heart of hearts. Embrace it all. We have talents and we all have shortcomings – that’s what makes us special and unique. We don’t need to be anyone else, besides ourselves. Let’s focus on becoming the best version of ourselves and not worry about who/what others think we should be! Besides, how can we love someone else if we don’t love ourselves, first?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Have questions or suggestions for the Love Jays?

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*By submitting your question to the love jays you grant them the right to publish your question and the answer  in all media.

© LoveJays 2012