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Unconditional Love Part 1

This will probably be a 2 or 3 parter so bear with me!

During the holiday season I had a conversation that really struck a chord. My family and I were sitting around the dinner table and a family member brought up the concept of unconditional love. His argument was that unconditional love does not really exist because everyone’s love has conditions. 

Admittedly I was quick to agree. It made perfect sense. For example, I have a HUGE problem with cheating. I don’t understand it and I see it as a valid reason to terminate a relationship. Ergo my love has a limit and/or condition. Some challenged the idea; however eventually,like me, they were pretty quick to accept love is indeed conditional. 

The conversation died down just as fast as it started and soon we were back to talking about turkey and family gossip, but I couldn’t shake the realization that unconditional love does not and never did exist. 

From that point on I went on a “love bender”. I was devastated. How is it that I am not capable of loving unconditionally? Wait a minute,  if that’s true than the reverse must be too. I can’t be loved unconditionally? What a cruel joke life had pulled! 

I decided I was going to have to find the answer for myself. If it turned out to be true, fine. I would just have to deal with it. If it turned out to be false, awesome! So for the next couple of weeks I will take you through my journey and what I discovered about unconditional love. 

In the meantime, what are your thoughts? Do you think love has conditions? If yes, why? If no, why not? I want to hear from you!

Love, 

Miss J 

See Unconditional Love Part 2 here!

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While we ponder love’s conditions, listen to this song about falling in love having a condition 🙂 How did I not notice this before?! 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfAb0gNPy6s]

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It’s All About Sex

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’m sure this will sound like a silly problem to have, but it seems to be on my mind a lot.

My boyfriend has an extremely high sex drive (abnormally high actually, even for a guy). I keep up pretty well! And I’m always flattered by how much he wants me or how much he’s attracted to me (and just me too). However, I frequently find myself upset because despite whether we are in great moods, having a serious conversation, having fun, or fighting like crazy, practically everything that comes out of his mouth is sex-oriented. Everything is always about sex, usually. Things always seem to be very sexual or physical.

What do you guys think??

A: Dear Hyperactive Sex Drive,

More often than not, we hear stories about people getting frustrated with a lack of sexaul activity within thier relationship. While I do believe not being sexed right will lead to problems, being oversexed just might lead to problems as well.

Let’s be candid. Sex is an important aspect of most relationships. It’s how we communicate physically with those we care about…most times. And just like any other language, we have to practice and learn the best ways to incorporate it within our relationship.

Sex must be handled responsibly. Shifting our focus to “all-sex-everything” may be a sign of emotional immaturity and a lack of understanding on how to effectively communicate our feelings with our partner. It’s okay to have sex – I’m not arguing against it. But it’s important to understand that sex is only one aspect of the relationship. A strong relationship must be well-rounded and equally proportioned.

If it’s really starting to bother you, I would encourage you to initiate a conversation with your boyfriend. Explain to him how you are feeling and try to figure out why sex is the only thing on his mind. As I always say, communication is key.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Crazy [Sex] Drive Me Crazy, 

We live in an overly sexualized society. There are sexual stimuli EVERYWHERE! Add those stimuli to a man with a healthy dose of testosterone and voila, we have your boyfriend. 

Studies show, on average, men think of sexual activity about once every hour. Let’s say that the man is awake for 15 hours, he has now (supposedly) thought about sex 15 times that day. Now let’s say the man has an overactive sex drive and for arguments sake he maybe has thought about sex twice an hour making his total thought count 30 times in one day. If he sees something/someone (you)  who can relive his desire he is going to go for it, no matter what the mood. 

Girl World Clarification: You have made the declaration to hit the gym and stay away from sweets. You wake up to discover aunt Flo has come to town and all you want is Yogurtland’s chocolate froyo. You  resist the urge because you will have Heidi Klum’s legs in a month even if it kills you. As the day goes by little things keep reminding you of Yogurtland’s chocolate froyo. You go to the gym and have an ok work out, even though you know it could have been better, at least it was better than nothing. You have to meet a friend for dinner, and on your way there you pass a Yogurtland. You resist again. At dinner you order a vegetables and maybe baked chicken, but you are not satisfied. All you want is Yogurtland’s chocolate froyo. As you are leaving the restaurant you notice another froyo shop, it’s not Yogurtland. It’s not necessarily the right time; but you have been thinking about chocolate froyo all day, and you did at least go to the gym.That’s it! You are going to get it right here, right now! Chocolate froyo is chocolate froyo, right?

To sum it up your man is spending a lot of time thinking about sex and you have become the solution to his sex craving. That’s why no matter what is going on in your relationship at the time he still wants to do it. He wants it and he wants it BAD. It even sounds like he has removed emotion from the sex equation and made it a very regular physical need. Sex should not just be something you do habitually. 

The best thing you can do is break it down to him. Nicely of course. You said you often find yourself upset, it’s time to let him know! You are not a sex object, nor will you tolerate him treating you as such. 

I’m going to get some chocolate froyo now! 

Good Luck! 

Love, 

Miss J 

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Soul Mate(s)

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have read through most of your post and wonder what is your he said/ she said version of soul mates/ twin flames?

A: Dear Thoughts about Soul Mates,

With billions of people living on earth, the chances of meeting our actual soul mate can be pretty intimidating. Social media and online dating have made it much easier to connect with complete strangers by narrowing our target audience, but it still doesn’t eliminate the long and arduous road some travel in finding a mate.

I definitely believe soul mates do exist, yet I don’t feel it’s as uncommon as some may think. When we traditionally think of “soul mates”, we create this fairy-tale of a story about two people who are so madly in love and will spend the rest of their lives together in eternal bliss. Our society has created this façade that cripples people into believing their soul mate will fulfill every item on their checklist and only a select few will ever get to experience it.

PSA: FALSE!

Finding your soul mate isn’t all about finding the perfect person; it’s about finding the person who simply makes you a better you. The person who makes you smile, laugh, cry; the person you enjoy seeing everyday and loving; your best friend. We are often presented with people who could be our soul mate(s), yet we may not be ready or open to receiving such a blessing. Lord knows, I wasn’t ready to find Miss J at 18, but there comes a point when you stop fighting and you let nature take its course.

They say good things always come when you least expect it, so just live and stop worrying about finding your soul mate. Be open and willing to accept/give love and I’m sure someone will come wandering in your direction. The question is, will you be ready?

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Questioning The Existence Of Soul Mates, 

To truly believe in a soul mate, I think it is important to understand exactly what a soul mate is. In Greek mythology, it is said a single human being consisted of a male and female in one body. Zeus feared the power of the male and female together as one, so he separated them into two separate bodies leaving them to roam the earth in search of their other half. Today, a soul mate is defined as a person who is perfectly suited for another in temperament. In layman’s terms, a soul mate is supposed to be someone who “just gets you”.

I think we encounter several “soul mates” in life. Some in the form of friendship, mentors, family, and of course romance. In terms of romance, I do believe in “the one”. But I also believe that “the one” may not be your “one and only” or they could in fact be just that.

Let me explain…

Let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love. You understand each other and things just make sense. Now let’s say (God forbid) something tragic happens and that person passes away. I cannot and do not believe that you are damned to live the rest of your life without the prospect of having that connection ever again.

I also do not believe any relationship is effortless, soul mate or otherwise. So now let’s say you meet someone and you are madly in love and you connect on every level, but you don’t work at anything. You let the relationship rot. Well in that case I think you are prematurely ending things with the one person who may be designated as your soul mate for a longer period of time than you decided to stay together. Does that make sense?

Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is extremely hard to tell who is in your life for which reason so your best option is to love always.

So in short I guess my answer is yes, I believe in soul mates. There may or may not be more than one. Either way you will have to work hard at the relationship. Love hard and love always. You can’t go wrong with that.

Love,

Miss J

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The “Shouldn’t I Be Able To Go Through His Phone” Question

Q: Dear Love Jays,

If you are with a guy and you ask him to see his phone should that be a problem?

A: Dear Phone Spy,

Oh how much we love/hate our phones. It’s virtually impossible (more like inconvenient) not having our phones around us the majority of the time. Whether it’s a text message, Twitter or Facebook alert, Instagram likes, emails, missed calls – you name it, our phones are always buzzing. While it’s great to be connected and all, phones have definitely been the source of many, many relationship issues and breakups. The avenues for talking to people are practically endless and getting caught up is relatively easy.

Growing up, my father always told me, “Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to because I’m subject to tell you the truth!” I’m sure every woman, including Miss J, would disagree with this statement. But if you really analyze his point, it’s valid. This statement is not carte blanche for people to just act up and disrespect the person they are dating, good try though. It simply means, if you are looking for trouble, you may find trouble. And if you do find something you don’t like, well…that’s on you.

At any given point, a woman will likely find something in her man’s phone that she does not like, approve of, or agree with. Let’s just face the facts. Men are men, women are women. Is it right or respectful of him to engage in conversation with another woman, it’s up to you to decide based on your own merits. If you are dating a jealous or insecure person, it would probably be wise to act accordingly. Miss J doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body, but I’m not going around talking, texting or tweeting every woman in my phone. It’s respect. Every relationship has their own definition of respect, so if that conversation hasn’t happened, time to get on the good foot!

Is it a problem asking your guy to hand over his phone? No. But rest assured, if you find out some information that doesn’t sit well with you, I’ll just say, I told you so.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Just a Peek,

People tend to guard their cell phones like it is a diary. In a sense, cell phones are an additional fingerprint. They are tailored to the needs of a specific individual. They also hold information the owner uses on a somewhat regular basis. Some things are personal, others not so personal.

Going through someone’s phone, like it or not, is an invasion of personal space. I have looked at Mr. J’s phone in the past, not because I was looking for anything, I was just plain curious.

*Cue all the men in the world saying, “Yeah, right!”*

It’s true! To be honest, I saw some things I did not like. Had I been looking for dirt in the first place, what I found would have just added fuel to the fire. But because I went in just for the sake of being nosey, I ended up pissed I looked in the first place. It’s not like I can yell at him for what I found. I could have, but we would both be in the wrong. No one will ever win that battle. It’s like reading someone’s diary and going off on them about what they wrote.

 You will ALWAYS find something to be mad about when looking through a man’s phone…ALWAYS. In an ideal world, your man would only be texting his family members and a few girlfriend approved friends talking about how much he loves you and how special you are to him. In reality, what you will really find is a bunch of texts about sports, life topics that have nothing to do with you, and some girl’s boobs he saw while standing in line at the grocery store.

It is up to the individual whether or not they want to let you look in their phone. Now if you are asking to use his phone to make a phone call and he is all up in arms, then I would say he most likely has something to hide. But if you ask to see his phone just to see if he is up to anything, then I would say you don’t trust him and certainly know why. When a woman knows, she knows. Leave the phone out of it.

If you want to just be nosey, by all means, go for it. If you find something you don’t like, have fun keeping it to yourself!

Good Luck!

Love,

 Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

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In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

The holidays are the best time of the year. We spend quality time with family and friends (some who we haven’t seen in years), indulge in over consumption of home-cooked meals, drink endless bottles of wine and champagne, play fun games and find out interesting facts about the people you have known your whole life, laugh the night away, snuggle in front of the fire, listen to holiday music, watch your favorite movies, but most importantly, we get the opportunity to simply enjoy life and be grateful for the friends and family in our lives.

Far too often, we get caught in our day-to-day and take for granted the opportunities we have been afforded, the places we have visited and the people nearest to our heart. It’s not often we get a chance to unplug from the world and focus our attention to what really matters in life. So for this holiday season, I challenge all of you to spend time with your love ones, reach out to old friends, say I love you, cry a little bit, smile. Extend your thank yous beyond those who have prepared the Thanksgiving feast and spend quality time reflecting on all your blessings and truly give thanks.

I want to take this opportunity to give a sincere thank you to everyone who has supported the Love Jays and has played a part in its success. I could have never imagined how rewarding it has been helping friends and strangers navigate through life. I am deeply humbled by all of you and can’t express my appreciation enough. Miss J, I love you more words can describe and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you. To all my friends and family, thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors and I look forward to celebrating many more victories with you.

Happy Holidays!

With gratitude,

Mr. J

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Celibacy: Cause and Effect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Mr. J mentioned in one of his answers that the two of you were trying to practice celibacy. I was just wondering how that’s going for you guys as a couple and as individuals how has it impacted your relationship? Good or bad? Is it a good idea for others in committed relationships to try?

A: Dear Road to Celibacy,

Sexual intercourse is one of the strongest motivators and communication medium for young people. Our over sexualized society has subconsciously triggered the mind into believing that sex is one of the best ways to express our feelings and love for someone. It’s glamorized in every advertisement and its influence has trickled down to kids in elementary school. The act of sex is no longer looked upon as something sacred and beautiful between two people; it’s just part of the routine in everyday life.

And guess what? Miss J and I were wrapped up in that mindset for 4+ years of our relationship. I laughed at friends who practiced celibacy and never entertained the idea – I couldn’t imagine life without sex. It was the center of conversation when talking with the guys, it “helped” me communicate with Miss J better, it gave me confidence and made me feel good…why would I want to give it up?

In May 2012, I arrived at Miss J’s apartment and she was suspiciously sitting down on her bed. She had one of those “We need to talk” looks and I quickly ran through my rolodex of memories to see if I had done anything wrong. I knew I hadn’t, but it’s something about that look that will make any man panic. I joined her on the bed; she started smiling (much to my relief) and asked my opinions on practicing celibacy.

Sidebar: I started having similar thoughts about celibacy about two months prior to Miss J bringing it up, but I never had the courage to talk with Miss J about it. The thoughts went against everything I practiced and understood. So, I kept my mouth quiet and prayed it wouldn’t come up. Guess that didn’t work! Back to the story.

I immediately started chuckling and shared with her the thoughts I was having a few months prior. We talked about it for a couple of minutes and decided we would try it for forty days. No sex (all components). Nothing.

Long story short, forty days went by and the two of us noticed a positive shift in our relationship. We were communicating more effectively; our feelings for each other grew stronger; we enjoyed just sitting together and talking; cuddling and kissing never felt more passionate – everything had changed! The removal of sex opened doors in our relationship we never knew existed and our overall happiness and well-being improved. As a result, Miss J and I decided to take our forty day commitment to the next level and took a vow to remain celibate until we are married.

Five-months have quickly passed since we engaged in any sexual activity and our relationship is continuing to thrive. Sex still crosses our minds (we are human), but the urge to fall into temptation is virtually non-existent. We have ridded ourselves from the biggest distraction and we are seeing life through clearer lenses. I would definitely recommend celibacy for any couple who has considered practicing it, but be sure to make the commitment as a couple, not as individuals.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Curious About Celibacy,

Mr. J and I have always had a wonderful chemistry and a crazy sexual attraction towards one another. So when I was washing dishes in May and heard God say (clear as day) “You need to stop having sex” I almost shattered a dish. All I could think was “crap”.

I have always said it is not about religion, it is about relationship. I understood it was not a religious demand right away. It sounded more like “It’s in your best interest”. I immediately thought of how Mr. J would react and then I heard “It’s going to be easier than you think”. Turns out God was right, as usual.

I told Mr. J my thoughts and he started laughing and looked up and said “you got me”, I told him it was not my idea and he said he knew that because the same thing had been placed on his spirit, but he was not going to be the one to bring it up. *cue sigh of relief*

Originally we decided to commit to celibacy for 40 days, but it became apparent a couple of weeks later it was going to be much longer than that.

It’s really hard to verbalize what has changed in our relationship. Yes of course the way we are intimate has changed. Hearing his voice is intoxicating, hugging is tantalizing and cuddling is better than any pleasure sex could bring-Basically you become easy to please.  Beyond that, our spiritual connection to one another is unbelievable. I thought we were on the same page before, but that was kid stuff.

Mr. J told me one day that he “lust for my soul”, I laughed until I realized he was completely serious and I felt the same way. I know it sounds nauseating, but a higher level of love and understanding does exist. I would never have guessed the mere removal of sex would let me experience all of the things I am now experiencing in our relationship, but here we are! When you take a step back from what your body wants you become more in tune with what you really need.

Through celibacy I have discovered I really can marry Mr. J because there is a lot of substance there minus the sex. I don’t distrust that our foundation has been there all along, but I do not know if I would have seen it and because of that I may have had doubts.

I would recommend celibacy to anyone who is curious and wants to try it. I don’t know if it is for everyone, but it is definitely worth trying. Like I said, words can’t do justice to what it has done for us. It really is something you have to experience to get the full picture!

Love,

Miss J

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