Episode 51: Time To Let Go

Let Go

Elevator Pitch

  • Justin’s lack of urgency for open-ended requests.
  • Joy’s ability to create problems when none exist.
  • Dave Chappelle’s Netflix comedy special.
  • When’s the right time to walk away from something you love?
  • The overcomplexity of pursuing happiness.
  • Learning to control your response to life’s challenges.
  • And much more!

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Moral Dilemma

Dear Love Jays,

What’s your opinion on two people in a relationship who have two pretty different moral compasses? Can it work?

Dear Moral Madness,

We received a question similar to this a while back regarding religion and relationships. Although this question is not about religion, it does involve yet another thing at your core — your moral compass. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you agree on everything, but what do you do when at your core you feel something is purely good, and at your significant other’s core they feel that very same thing is purely bad? This wouldn’t be so terrible if it were just one or two minor issues. When your moral compass’ are different, chances are this happens more often than once or twice, and it’s not always with minor issues.

In order to have a successful relationship you need the 3 C’s.

Compatibility

Communication

Compromise

Unfortunately, having a different moral compass affects your compatibility. Compatibility matters most when it comes to your core and ultimately, your morals dictate your actions. Is the real you truly compatible with the real them? When you are in the trenches will you be able to fight the real problem, or will you start fighting each other? You need a person who is going to be on your team to help you make your lay-up, not someone who is going to block your shot.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

Dear Differing Moral Compasses,

Can it work? Possibly. Would I recommend it? No.

Our core values and morals are the blueprint for how we live, love, act, speak. Every decision we make is directly influenced by our internal rules and guidelines. The majority of these morals are adopted through religious or spiritual affiliation, but even if you don’t associate with a religious entity, humans typically understand good vs. bad, wrong vs. right.

When we enter into a relationship with someone, we are looking to find someone who will complement our personality and help develop us into better people. Dating someone who is on the exact opposite end of this process simply doesn’t make sense. Relationships require constant maintenance — why add unnecessary challenges?

Miss J and I have been successful for almost six years because our core values, morals, and religious affiliation are similarly aligned. I’m not saying you need to fit the same requirements — I’m just sharing an ingredient of the secret sauce that helps maintain a healthy and happy relationship.

Love,

Mr. J

 

Single & Ready To Mingle

 

Dear Love Jays,

I’m 22 and I have never had a boyfriend or been asked out on a date (pretty sad, I know). I’m graduating from university this summer and I feel like I’m ready to start dating. How should I go about this?

Dear Ready To Date,

Stop beating yourself up for never having a boyfriend or being asked out on a date. I can provide a hefty list of people who have had at least one of the aforementioned, yet they are completely closed off to the idea of starting a relationship. Go figure.

I tend to find the positives in almost all situations, so embrace your current situation and be comfortable in knowing someone will have to wait at least 22 years before they get the privilege of taking you out on a date. Seems pretty damn awesome to me!

The best way to jump-start your dating life is to connect with like-minded people. Embracing our interests and hobbies is a great way to boost our happiness and fuel self-confidence. Meetup.com is a great resource that helps thousands of people organize and connect with others who have similar interests. If connecting with strangers online isn’t your cup of tea, attend local events in your area (concerts, exhibits, restaurant openings, street fairs) with some friends. The more you embrace and love yourself, the happier you become. The happier you become, the better life gets!

Cheers!

Mr. J

 

Dear I’m Ready,

We each have to embrace our individual paths when it comes to love. No two love lives are exactly the same. I know it seems like there aren’t a whole lot of 20 somethings out there who have never been in a serious relationship, but you are not as alone as you think.

The process of dating can be very difficult to say the least. My best advice is to hang out with people who are heading in the direction you want to go in. Whether it be in life, love, career ect… You’ve heard the adage birds of a feather flock together right? Chances are these friends will also have other friends who share similar interest and goals. If you run in the same circles as the type of person you are looking to date you should eventually meet someone who is pretty darn compatible.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

Afraid Of Being Alone

Love Jays

Dear Love Jays,

I am unhappy in my relationship, but I love my significant other while also being afraid of being alone. Advice?

Dear Unhappily Staying,

Happiness: Life’s ultimate goal.

Sacrificing your happiness out of fear of being alone is ultimately hurting your own personal growth and development. When we love someone, our logical processes sometimes get disrupted by the heart’s overwhelming power and we may ignore some important triggers along the way. Before we can fully love someone, we must learn to love and respect ourselves. Casting aside our own personal well-being for love’s sake isn’t love at all; it’s deception at it’s finest. Every relationship requires us to make sacrifices; happiness isn’t one of them.

What is the true reason you are afraid of being alone? Are you unwilling to confront your own thoughts and examine the true source of your unhappiness? Are you comfortable in your own skin? I don’t write these questions to attack; I write these questions from personal experience. The road to discovery isn’t the most comfortable experience, but it’s the most important journey we can make.

Love,

Mr. J

Dear Afraid To Move On,

Fear. It is the number one reason why people don’t do the things they really want to do. You may love the person you are with, but you both deserve happiness. If you are unhappy, chances are your significant other isn’t either and if he/she isn’t there yet they eventually will be. It’s just a matter of time.

Staying in a relationship out of fear is a recipe for disaster. No one wants to be alone, but once you take the leap you may find that you like yourself and being on your own isn’t so bad. Having company and companionship is great, but knowing you can be happy on your own is better. It will make for  healthier relationships in the future and a happier you.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

Unhappily Single

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My friend is almost 30 and has been single basically always. That would be fine except he desperately wants someone special in his life and is very unhappy being single at his age. He won’t approach girls he finds attractive, he has very high ideals of what he wants and he always finds flaws. What advice could I give him? It just seems like a lost cause…..

Q: Dear Unhappily Single,

We all have standards. We all want the best. Hell, we even think we are the best! Though it’s nice to stroke the ego from time to time, we must understand perfection isn’t humanly attainable and flaws are part of our makeup. We are perfectly imperfect.

And guess what? It’s good to be imperfect! Our imperfections separate us from everyone else in the world. There are millions of attractive, unattractive, happy, unhappy, tall, short, slim, round, black, white people in the world, but each one has their own story completely unique to themselves and someone loves, cares, and appreciates them.

Walking around trying to fit everyone in a box will not happen, so I would challenge your friend to expand his thought process, be more receptive to differences, and remove the lenses blurring his vision from seeing the happiness of life. I’d be willing to bet there have been many women who have crossed his path that could have easily been his girlfriend, but sometimes our own perceptions ruin great opportunities.

Unhappiness is a product of the self, so the only way to reverse that feeling is to examine ourselves. True change always starts from the inside out; once we are able to identify our own shortcomings and make peace internally, the world always finds a way to make all the other pieces fit.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Want To Help My Friend,

Finding “someone special” is an especially difficult task, this task become even more difficult when our expectations exceed the reality of humanity.

The best advice to give your friend would be to tell him to really take a look at himself. You say he is unhappy being single; would it be fair to say he is just plain unhappy, being single aside? It’s ok to prefer to be in a relationship, but the word “unhappy” strikes another cord with me and may in fact be the source of your friend’s problem.

Happiness should not be determined by your relationship status and contrary to popular belief ,cannot be determined by your relationship status. A relationship is just a “quick fix” , the happiness is often fleeting. When they do something you perceive as good you are happy, but when they do something you perceive as bad you are totally unhappy. It affects your life completely. External factors cannot be responsible for your inner joy. There are just as many unhappy people in a relationship as there are unhappy single people.

The choice to be happy has to come from within (cliché I know, but very true). He is finding flaws in women because he is looking for someone that will make him completely happy, in reality no such woman exists. It’s an excuse and he is avoiding the real issue like the plague.

Relationships don’t make people happy. The happiest relationships are when two people decide to individually own their happiness and share in that happiness with the other person. So my advice to your friend is literally to “be happy”. The rest will fall into place.  

Love,

Miss J  

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© LoveJays 2012

A Broken Engagement and A Broken Heart

Q: Dear Love Jays,
Hi, thank you guys for your great advice. I’m here once again for more advice. I was engaged and in love, but he happened to be a very jealous and controlling boyfriend. I thought that things would have gotten better after I told him how I felt and how I wanted us to have a healthy relationship. Things got extremely bad. 🙁 . A few weeks later, I found out he had profiles on more than 5 hook up (sexual) sites. I couldn’t believe it. It broke my heart. I called the wedding off and we’re no longer together. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me but he’s already posted ads to hook up with girls and have one night stands. Its like, did I ever mean anything to him? The worst part of all is that I still care for him and I miss him. I’m scared that years from now I’ll regret leaving him. Am I wrong to feel and think this way?

A: Dear My ex-fiancé was controlling, jealous and posted ads to have one night stands with other women, yet I miss him and may regret leaving him,

I’m going to keep this real brief – respect yourself.

You were in love. You were engaged to be married. You committed 5 years of your life. It’s hard and it’s not fair, but you owe yourself the opportunity to be loved, respected, and admired by someone who truly understands the meanings of those words. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed that you still care and love him – be encouraged at your power to love even when someone hasn’t given you any reason to love them. Imagine the love you will demonstrate towards the person who loves you just the same?

You must stand firm on your two feet and boldly proclaim and understand your worth! Fall back in love with you. Learn from your mistakes. Grow wiser. Smile. Change is patiently awaiting.

Fear is crippling and will prevent even the strongest people from moving forward, but those who conquer fear usually never regret it.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Am I Going to Regret This?,  

I am willing to bet years from now, if you had not left him, you would regret staying. Give yourself some credit and trust your first instinct. Your gut told you that you were better than how he was treating you and you deserve better. Guess what? Your gut was right!

Men like that know how to manipulate you; of course he is still telling you he loves you. He even may think that he does. But ask yourself this, is the way he loves you/is capable of loving you well enough for you? The answer is no. Every woman worth her grit deserves more than that.

It is normal for you to still have feelings for him, after all you were engaged. Try not to confuse your feelings of loss with regret. Sometimes those feelings do go hand in hand, but in this case you dodged a bullet. You could have ended up spending the rest of your life dealing with issues like this, but instead you broke it off and the possibilities of finding a genuine and healthy love are endless.

So, will you regret choosing happiness? Doubtful. Hang in there and stay strong! 🙂 

Love, 

Miss J 

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© LoveJays 2012