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Trust in your Present

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I was in a long term relationship that ended bad. I got really hurt and since then have struggled with trust, and other such issues that clouded our relationship. I am with an amazing man now, who I have had no issues with thus far; EXCEPT the fact that I am so guarded and often times fear that I will face the same problems. How do I not let my last relationship affect the one I am currently in?

A: Dear Let the Past be the Past:

“The past will shape your future, but the past should never control your future.” – Anonymous

Letting the your past relationship have such a stronghold on your current relationship is unfair for your current boyfriend – and most importantly, you. When was the last time you truly sat down with yourself and analyzed all negatives that are still controlling you today? The best way to overcome the effects of your previous relationship is to personally acknowledge these issues (write them down if needed) and then share them with your current partner. Let him in on the struggles you are facing. Give him the opportunity to help you overcome. Relationships are beautiful for that very reason – you have support every step of the way.

The process will be difficult. It will be challenging. It will be uncomfortable. It will be hard work. But just know this – it will all be worth it in the end. You can’t move forward if you are always looking back! I believe in you!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Unwanted Blast From the Past,

In the wise words of my mother “Everyone deserves your trust until they give you a reason not to trust them anymore.” It is difficult to trust men in general just because of all the horror stories that are out there, and the degree of difficulty increases when you have a bad experience of your own.

You need to let the past be the past. Learn from that experience and move on. Maybe now you know what characteristics equal bad news, how to recognize cheating, or even how to know what comments will eventually lead to verbal abuse and then even physical abuse’ or maybe you just learned you ex is a jerk that doesn’t deserve you. Do not let his influence from the past hinder your present. You will be the only one who suffers.

Either way I refuse to believe the experience has left you dumber and weaker, it has left you stronger and wiser. Forget trusting your new man for a second, trust yourself! Trust in the fact that you know better now, and if anything were ever to go down with this new guy you would move to greener pastures. Also trust in the fact that you now know how to pick ‘em and you may just HAVE A GOOD MAN, they do exist.

Be in control of your happiness.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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How Quickly Do Men Think of the “Future”

Happy August Family!

Can you believe we are already starting the 8th month of 2012? I still remember bringing in the New Year with the lovely Miss J, my brother and a few of his friends down in Pasadena, CA like it was yesterday! Not to mention the atrocious beard I was rockin’ – I’m sure it would have made James Harden cringe. Yes, it was that bad. Guess that is what happens when you take “No Shave November” too far. Don’t’ worry, I have learned my lesson.

Last week, the Love Jays received a question that only warranted a man’s opinion. Here is the question:

“Patience. I have to setup the question(s). Most women, some will deny this, will meet a guy and in their minds immediately jump to the future or to some label (i.e. boyfriend, husband, baby daddy). “The future” can be multiple scenarios. But women decide if this person is worth their time. Imaginary long-term possibilities are explored within minutes of the initial encounter. Do men do the same? If not, at what point do men label or explore/decide on the future potential of women? What makes THAT woman stand out in the millions you meet.”

Side bar: For all the women reading this post who play out similar scenarios, bless your little heart. I send my sincerest regards to your emotions and brain for having to deal with such calculations.

Let’s sum this answer up quickly – absolutely not. Upon meeting a woman, the first and typically only thing men are thinking about is satisfying the physical desire that is burning in both of our heads. Pun intended. Moving on. I wish I could sit here and defend the stereotypes hurled against men for caring too much about the physical, but the harsh reality is that most men aren’t thinking anything about “the next steps” until many days, weeks or even months down the line.

Men are physical creatures. We are naturally aroused when we see an attractive women. It’s in our genetics. We don’t control it. As a result, the animalistic nature inside of us takes over and we quickly decipher if we should attempt to swing for the fences or stay in the dugout and cheer from a distance. Now of course, not all men think or act this way. There are some gentleman left in this world who suppress their natural urges and rationally sift through their mental checklist to decide if you are “future material” relatively quickly.

Some advice going forward – embrace the mindset that all men are only concerned about satisfying themselves. Call our bluff. Force us to play a different hand. We love to be challenged and love when a woman offers something different. A confident, strong and intelligent woman will have a man running in circles trying to make you his future!

You want a man to think about the future quicker? Change the game! The ball is in your court. We are the greatest puppets in the world!

What has been your experience LoveJays fam? How do you get men to think about the future quicker? Fellas, agree or disagree? Let’s discuss it!

Peace and Blessings,

Mr. J

© LoveJays 2012

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Hey, That wasn’t in the Plan!

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend and I often discuss/plan our future together (where we want to live, how we’d like to raise our kids, etc). We are on the same page on a number of key issues on raising kids, but I stress over any differences of opinion even though we are talking years away. I’m a planner.  How much is too much detail to get in to about the future? At what point is it better to just let life unfold and see how we deal with things as they come up?

A: Dear Focused on the Future:

I truly have never understood how/why women are so focused on the future. Honestly. I have tried to figure this mystery out for years and every time I am left with a slight headache. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy planning for the future, but planning YEARS in advance? Really?

Let’s do a fun activity (grab a pen and paper): Think back to a year ago (July 2011) and recollect all the plans you made and visions you had about where you were going to be by July 2012. Grab your piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page. On the left side of the page, write down all the things you planned on having accomplished by today (this includes your job, living situation, friends, personal goals, etc.). On the right side of the page write down all the things (same as above) that have taken place in the past year. Be sure to include all unplanned occurrences and indicate which things are still the same from 2011 to 2012.

Finished? Let’s review.

Does the right side of the page look anything like the left? How many events occurred between July 2011 to July 2012 that were planned? Unplanned? Did you honestly envision yourself at this exact place a year ago?

The main purpose of this exercise was to demonstrate how little control we have of planning our future – even if it’s only a year away! Stressing out over little details specifically related to the future doesn’t serve much benefit. Change is going to happen – it’s inevitable. What may be a major detail today may not be tomorrow. Discuss the important issues and move from there. If the two of you can see eye-to-eye on the big ticket issues, I’m sure the other “little details” will work themselves out.

Just remember, there is a fine line between planning for the future and preparing for it!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear The Plan is Law, 

As women we love to plan things, it is in our nature. It is sometimes difficult to live in the present because we want to make sure we are prepared for later, especially when it comes to planning your life with a significant other.

Learn how to turn it off, NOW! It is nothing but a pain in the butt. Realistically you can only plan for so much because the future is so uncertain. Yes, you should plan vacations and all things that require booking, but other than that let it go. Let’s say you don’t have any children and you don’t “plan” on having any for at least 5 years. You shouldn’t stress over things like him hating soccer, but you really want your kids to play soccer because it’s your favorite sport. It is completely irrelevant to your life at this point. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

On the flip side, if the differences are in character than that may be something you want to tackle now.

What is important is that you are both communicating about what you want the future to hold and it looks similar. Look at it as a goal, but not an end all be all. For now just enjoy each other and live in the present 🙂  Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012