In this weeks episode we discuss Miss J’s eating habits, Kobe Bryant’s injury, friendships with the opposite sex while in a relationship and a really interesting sex fact. Special guests, spoken word artists SuperB and MK Ultra.
Love,
J&J
Have a Question for the Love Jays?
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© LoveJays 2013
I’m curious about this whole texting and dating situation. I’ve never been much of a texter — and to be honest, I hate texting. It’s bothersome and you never know what to say and when the other person doesn’t text back, it leaves you wondering, “What?” I’ve just recently started “talking” to someone and it all started one night because we texted for four hours straight. He initiated talk throughout the week but this weekend, conversation has been sporadic. I won’t hear from him for four hours but when I do, he still seems interested. Sometimes when I ask a question, it’ll take him a whole day to get back to me. I know he’s a busy person but I can’t help but wonder. My friends say that most guys are just shitty communicators when it comes to texting. Is that the case or is he just not interested anymore? Is texting just a shitty way to communicate too? Or has it just gotten to a point where he knows he has me and therefore doesn’t feel the need to court me via text message?
First, let me say I do consider texting an acceptable form of communication. It’s a great way to send and receive information quickly when you do not feel like/cannot pick up the phone. However, when “talking” to and individual it would be nice if you guys actually verbally talked. Texting leaves too much to be interpreted, especially when you are trying to communicate how much you do or do not like a potential mate.
As far as your question goes, I think it is safe to say he was excited when he first started talking to you and now he is less excited. Does this mean he does not like you? Not necessarily. Let me put it this way, he’s definitely not head over heels. No one who wants to communicate is bad at communicating. It’s not difficult to respond to a text message. Sadly, your friends have been misinformed and are passing along their misinformation to you. If he was really that terrible at texting (is that even a real thing?) he would not have been so responsive in the first place.
Confession: I say I am bad at responding to text all the time. What I really should say is “I read your message and opt not to respond right away because I am doing something else I am more interested in doing at the time.”
Sad, but true and also not an acceptable excuse when trying to seriously get to know a person.
Also, there is no such thing as “courting via text message”. It is literally the most impersonal mode of communication.
I say this in love…DO NOT BE AFRAID TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS!
You get what you demand. Now would be a great time to demand that whoever is interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.
Love,
Miss J
Let’s start this with a simple PSA to all the men: STOP USING TEXT MESSAGING AS YOUR PRIMARY METHOD OF COMMUNICATION!
SMS: it’s an acronym. (S)hort (M)essaging (S)service. Keyword: SHORT.
Text messaging was developed with the intention of exchanging quick, short-handed conversations without having to call someone. It wasn’t developed to prevent people from ever using their cell phones to ACTUALLY dial a phone number and have a verbal conversation with another human being! Imagine that — using our phones to call people? What a strange concept. You mean to tell me cell phones aren’t just made for downloading 2000 apps or stalking friends on social media or taking pictures of every pointless thing in life?
I’m not bashing text messaging; I use the service everyday. However, I am calling out all those who write college length essays over a text message. Really? Were all those characters necessary? In the time it took you to type everything, you could’ve done the following:
1. Dialed my number
2. Listened to the phone ring at least 3 times before I picked up.
3. Asked your question using half of the words you were going to type.
4. Received the answer to your question.
5. Had a 3-5 minute conversation discussing at least five other things.
You see what we did there? By picking up the phone, we were actually able to discuss multiple topics (in a short amount of time) AND we didn’t have to decode your poor use of the English language or emoticons. Fascinating.
Want to hear more about my opinions on text messaging when dating? Good, I’m glad you agreed.
Where were we? That’s right, something about texting a guy for four hours.
FOUR HOURS?
I’m all for getting to know someone, but if you can’t pick up the phone and carry-on a halfway intelligent conversation, you clearly aren’t as interested as you give off. What makes you think a man who isn’t willing to SPEAK with you is willing to be SEEN with you? Any man who is genuinely interested in getting to know a woman on a more personal level will have no problem picking up the phone, regardless how “busy” he may be or how “poor” he communicates. And as a woman, you should demand his attention and respect. Winning the gold medal shouldn’t be easy, right?
Love,
Mr. J
P.S. Courting via text messaging doesn’t exist. The end. 🙂
© LoveJays 2013
Q: Dear Love Jays,
How do couples make new friends? What is the appropriate way to make a friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship?
A: Dear I Want Friends Too,
This is a great question!
Finding friends on your own is hard enough. There are so many people in this world, which often results in varying degrees of acquaintances and very few friends.
As a couple, this processes becomes even more difficult. Naturally, the friends you have before your relationship will carry over, unless a particular friend has been more than a friend and your significant other is uncomfortable with your relationship. Couples often like to find other friends who are couples. The challenge with having couple friends is that all four of you have to have some common ground. The easiest way to “meet” couple friends is to start with the people you already know. Maybe someone who has been a close acquaintance has a boyfriend as well. Seize the opportunity and set up a double date. You may find your acquaintance and their significant other are more friend material than you once thought.
*Side Note: If you and your best friend have a significant other at the same time it is okay if you guys are not “best couple friends”. As I said before, getting four people with different personalities to actually enjoy each other’s company can prove to be a challenge. Don’t fret, you guys are still best “just us” friends.
The really hard part about making new friends while in a relationship is when each party makes a separate friend. If that friend is of the same sex or should I say, the sex that the person is not attracted to, no problem; however, if that person is of the opposite sex or whatever sex they are attracted to, there can be a little bit of tension.
You should always, and I mean ALWAYS, introduce your significant other to your friends that you hang out with on a one-on-one basis or within an intimate group setting. It is not a requirement, but it would be wise of you to follow this guideline. When you are in a partnership, you want to know who your significant other is spending time with. Girl or boy, it’s normal. Especially when they keep bringing that person up; your natural inclination is to want to put a face to the name. When your significant other meets a new friend of yours, it allows them to witness the friendship on their own without having to figure out how to ask you questions they feel uncomfortable asking or developing unnecessary insecurities. Just introduce them.
Now onto the part about friends the opposite sex…
For friendships you had prior to your relationship:
For new friendships with the opposite sex:
The rest of the details can be worked out with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend.
Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
A: Dear Friendships in Relationships,
Friendships are an essential part of everyone’s life. School, work, parties, networking mixers – we often find ourselves seeking out others who have similar interests. The vast majority of these people often get grouped as acquaintances, yet there are a select few who we actually consider friends. And no, I’m not talking about Facebook friends. I’m referring to the people we actually speak with on the telephone and genuinely care about their well-being, hobbies, personal life, family, etc. You get the gist.
Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I’m very outgoing and social. I’m the guy who sparks up a conversation with just about anyone who is willing to talk. Literally. Grocery store, restaurant, sporting event, bar/lounge…pick a spot and the chances are very high I will engage in at least one conversation with a stranger.
Sidebar: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the whole “never talk to strangers” lesson. Grant it, the statement is directed toward children, but the way some people act when you try to say hello, you would think it still applies for fully functioning adults.
These interactions typically don’t amount to much of anything, but there have been a few occasions when the person (almost always a woman) I’m speaking with fully engages in the subject matter. What’s typically a 30-second exchange has now turned into a 15-minute conversation mixed with good dialogue and laughter. We continue talking until one of us has that “we’ve been talking for a minute” moment, tell each other to have a good day/night, then drop the “it was good talking to you, too” comment before walking away.
What’s the point of I’m trying to make? Out of respect for my relationship, I was perfectly content with the conversation and didn’t feel the need to “make a new a friend”. I accepted it for what it really was – a good conversation with what seemed to be a good person. I’m sure if we hung out a few more times and got to know each other better, we could be friends…but is it necessary?
I have yet to find the rulebook detailing the right or wrong way to make new friends while in a relationship. At the end of the day, it boils down to respect. Despite our best efforts, we typically know how to exercise good judgment. How you meet someone and where you meet them will definitely play a role in deciding if this is a friendship worth developing.
Miss J and I have formed new friendships, some of the opposite sex, upon leaving college (where 90% of our friends were mutual), yet none have caused any issues within our relationship. We were very open in communicating who these people were and left the element of surprise out of the equation.
If you are actively looking to form new friendships while in a relationship, I recommend seeking out people who share common ground. I love my single friends, but sometimes I just can’t do all the things my single friends do. Regardless of your mix of friends, it’s imperative to have friends who respect and support your relationship.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
© LoveJays 2013
Q: Dear Love Jays,
Do you guys think it’s a smart idea to go to some form of couples counseling prior to committing to marriage?
A: Dear Pre-Marriage Counseling,
Marriage is a very exciting and serious commitment for any relationship and should not be taken lightly. While we pride ourselves on knowing almost everything about our partner, we may not be aware of some thoughts, feeling or behaviors that may cause conflict down the road. When we decide to marry someone, we plan on staying with them until “death does you part” (though in America, I’m not too sure those words hold any value), so it would probably be beneficial to attend couples training or counseling prior to marriage.
I haven’t had any personal experiences with these training classes or sessions, but my married and soon to be married friends who have participated in such training have thoroughly enjoyed it. In all honesty, what’s the worst that can happen? You have made the decision to wed this individual, so there shouldn’t be too many surprises…I hope.
If you go in hopes of determining if your significant other is Mr. or Mrs. right, then you have misunderstood some key elements along the way. I’m sure there are many couples who did not seek counseling or training prior to marriage and are living great lives. If you decide to attend, great. If not, great, too!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Seeking Counsel,
Marriage is a huge commitment and the biggest leap a couple can make. It is literally called “The Plunge”. Like any other large decision it is always best to do anything you can to ensure you are looking at all aspects of the decision you are making.
Someone who specializes in marriage counseling knows exactly what questions you should be asking each other and what you can truly expect out of marriage. This is not to say they know exactly how your marriage is going to pan out, that part is up to you, but they can give you tips on how to manage things within the new territory of marriage.
Some may argue that they do not need a third-party butting into their relationship. To those people I would say to try not to think of them as “another person”, but to instead think about them as a helping hand. At the end of the day the goal is to equip the couple with useful tools that lead to success, not to test the relationship.
I think marriage counseling is an excellent idea. Good Luck!
Love,
Miss J
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© LoveJays 2012
When I am driving alone it is not uncommon for me to turn off my music and just let my thoughts flow. I was on my way to meet my family at a theme park this Sunday after church and on the drive over, I could not stop thinking about how much I truly appreciated Mr. J.
He is kind, thoughtful, encouraging, supportive, loving, my best friend and just all around awesome. The whole ride I was counting my blessings and thinking about how thankful I am for him.
As fate would have it, while in the theme park, my dad, two of my twenty-something female cousins and I were talking about relationships. My father expressed how important it is to sit a man down and tell him how much you appreciate everything he does to contribute to your relationship. My first thought was “Well that’s not a problem, I always let my man know he is appreciated.” My second thought was, “Wait, when was the last time I actually said it to him instead of thinking it to myself?” I literally could not remember. I say I love you all of the time; I also let him know how I feel about him individually and about us as a couple, but I do not tell him how grateful I am for all his contributions enough.
As women we often feel we need to be on the receiving end of praise, after all men are the unappreciative half of our species…right? Wrong. A vital part of love is showing and stating your appreciation for one another. It is not enough to just think it and be happy on the inside knowing you have a keeper. It is information worth sharing! Shout it from the rooftops, tell all your friends, jump on Oprah’s couch; but most importantly look your significant other in the eye and let them know how much you notice and appreciate all they do.
My father’s quote of the day was this, “It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it.”
Now I know the phrase “don’t put a woman on a pedestal” comes to mind right away; I had to really think about what he was trying to say too. What it means to me is that women deserve to be held at the highest regard and every need should be met to the best of that man’s ability. In turn, the effort of the man should never go unnoticed by the woman if he is trying his best. Being from the new school, I would like to change it to this: “ It is a man’s job to put a woman on a pedestal, but in turn it is a woman’s job to never take advantage of it AND vice-versa.” 😉
When I saw Mr. J Sunday night I told him exactly what I appreciated about him, and guess what? He was happy! I noticed and cared enough to say something about it! So there you have it, SAY SOMETHING, you won’t be sorry you did.
Love,
Miss J
Have a question for the Love Jays? Submit it here!
© LoveJays 2012
Q: Two year ago, my boyfriend of six years and I moved in together. Living together has been bliss- minus a few very minor points of contention. I am overly tidy (some might argue OCD) and I find myself infuriated by a wet towel on the door knob or water on the bathroom counter or a dish in the sink instead of in the dishwasher. I don’t want to be a nag since I know that I tend to overreact to these small things. What do I do?
A: Dear Ms. I May Have OCD:
Might have OCD? Just accept it – you probably have some OCD circulating through your blood.
The good news is that you and I suffer the same genetic imbalance that causes us to experience high levels of emotional irritation when it comes to rather simple behaviors. I completely understand. You mentioned the two of you have been dating for six years, so I will make the assumption you know each other very well. I could easily argue that your boyfriend should be more conscious of the little things that drive you crazy (because we all know in the end, it’s never the big stuff that drives us to drink), but in his defense, you have to consciously work on not letting these little actions make you infuriated.
One of my biggest pet peeves was when Miss J would step out of the shower and not dry her feet off before stepping on the rug. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was 1 of only 3 people in the world with such a dilemma, so because of that, I had to make the conscious decision to not let something this petty get me so worked up. In a perfect world, your boyfriend would adapt to all the little quirks, but reality is, we are all different. Next time it happens, take a deep breath, smile and think of all thing great things he does to keep you happy. You never know, he may just be waiting for you to no longer react and he actually might adapt to your ways. If not, oh well. You love him anyway!
Sincerely,
Mr. J
A: Dear Squeaky Clean,
In my opinion nagging is just the result of a man listening to what you say, applying it once, then abandoning the idea completely because they feel they have accomplished what you have asked for. When you bring it up again they say you are nagging, they heard you the first time blah blah blah.
My advice is this, make a list of the things that you ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I’m talking the major offenders, you see it, cringe, and then you are instantly in a bad mood. Compose a list of all the habits that you are on edge with and have him do the same. You may be surprised by the things he brings up. Sit down and talk it over. See where your boyfriend stands, chances are he is doing all these things subconsciously. Afterwards do not bring it up again, instead hang both of your lists up on the fridge (or any other place you see everyday in your home) and leave it there for one week (no more and no less). This way you will both be reminded of the habits your partner is not fond of without them having to either continuously “nag” you or without having them fester inside because you are doing something they can’t stand and they feel like they are bothering you if they bring it up. Communication is key, verbal communication is great and necessary but when reinforced in written form it is foolproof!
Love,
Miss J
© LoveJays 2012
