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The Difference Between Persistence and Annoyance

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

At what point does being persistent in pursuing that attractive female become an annoyance?

A: Dear A Little too Persistent,

We have always been told that persistence leads to success, but when it comes to the dating world – persistence must be executed strategically and effectively. If handled inappropriately, persistence is equivalent to thirst! And believe it when I say that once a woman thinks a man has become thirsty for her, his chances went from “slightly maybe, but not really” to “I would rather skydive without a parachute then see or speak to him again”.

Fellas – it is very important to understand the signs and vibes women give off when we are in pursuit. Unfortunately, we often ignore these cues because of infatuation and raging hormones. These signs may not be very apparent at the onset, but as time passes, I’m sure several hints have been thrown in your direction that indicate whether or not the woman is interested.

Here are a few scenarios that may indicate when a women is not interested:

1.Your phone calls or text messages have not been answered. Oh, and in case you didn’t get the hint – sending more text messages only makes it worse. You have already sent “Hey baby” or “What you doing today?” three times and failed to get a response – the 4th try isn’t going to help your cause.

2. Your request is still pending on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. The fact you found her on all three platforms is already a telling sign.

3. She greets you with the awkward  “Heeeeeyyyyy….” then claims she is on her way somewhere, so she can’t talk long.

4. You haven’t had a second date or worse, you never got the first one. Think of it like baseball – three strikes and you’re out.

I’m sure the ladies can add another 100+ examples to this list, but I thought I would kickstart it. Simply put, it becomes annoyance once the woman is not interested. Men, relax a bit and play the field wisely. The thirst is real and women are not looking to be the quencher!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Too Eager to Please, 

Every woman is different, but we are all similar in the fact we do send subtle messages (and sometimes not so subtle messages) to let you know if you are doing too little or too much.

Here are a few common cues:

If she says she thinks you are better off friends, listen to her. She means it. At that point, you need not be persistent anymore, and if you are capable of being a friend do just that; if not- walk away. If she changes her mind she will then come to you.

Also, if your woman of interest has told you point blank she is not interested, you need to respect that. It does not mean she wants to be friends, it does not mean she is playing hard to get, it means SHE IS NOT INTERESTED.

If you are texting a woman and her responses are getting shorter and shorter, that means you are texting too much. It’s okay to engage in a text conversation, but you do not need to text someone you are just getting to know a million times a day. A short phone call (yes, that device you use to text actually has the ability to call people too!)  and between 1-2 text will do for the “getting to know you/I’m interested” phase.

Lastly, lay off of the “feelers”. If you want to say something to a woman, say it and own it. If you really want to pursue a woman don’t do the half joking half serious “dang girl you look good today” with a stupid smirk on your face approach. It’s annoying the first time, bad the second time and sad the third time. If you are just trying to be silly with a friend, it is totally fine, but if you want a real chance with a woman you do not know – that is probably the worst way to go about it. Have confidence, mention she looks great or beautiful and leave it there. That way it is not a feeler and you don’t appear to expect anything in return. You just wanted to tell her she looks great and move on with your day. It’s always better to be persistent in that way than to pester her into giving you a chance. No extras or jokes needed.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

Have a question for the Love Jays?

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© LoveJays 2012

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Controlling Boyfriend

Q:Dear Love Jays, 

My boyfriend is very jealous and controlling. He gets mad when I spend time with my friends and he doesn’t want to let me spend time with my friends without him being there. I’ve told him how I feel about it and he pretty much made himself the victim and said that couples are supposed to do everything together. What do I do?

Dear My Boyfriend is Controlling,

Get.Out.Now!

Controlling and jealousy issues are more common than most people realize. These problems stem from a complete lack of self-esteem and lack of self-identity. He doesn’t like the person he is, so he has decided to make you just as miserable as him.

As stated so many times before, a relationship is a two-way street built on love, trust, friendship and sacrifice. It’s very clear your relationships is lacking the core values of a successful relationship, so why continue? You have to understand that YOU are the most important person in this life. YOU are strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving – the list goes on.

Any man controlling who his woman hangs out with or what she can do is the poorest excuse of a boyfriend and a man! A real man will put complete trust in his woman because he knows he is doing EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to make his home the happiest. An unhappy woman is an unhappy relationship.

He doesn’t deserve anything further in this relationship and I pray that you find the strength and courage to walk out the door. Do it for YOU!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

Dear My boyfriend wants me all to himself, 

Unfortunately  ( and quite frankly fortunately) this issue has nothing to do with you, therefore you cannot fix it. You tried to reason with him and he made himself the victim. Victim mentality is just another form of manipulation. Another form of manipulation is isolation, he will make it so that there is nowhere for you to go. Your friends will eventually bounce because they won’t be able to hang out with you sans him and trust me they know why he is around even if you haven’t told them.

He has to deal with this one on his own, his control is stemming from some insecurity that he has. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM.

The good news is that you can see what he is doing, for that I applaud you. A lot if women find themselves in relationships similar to yours and cannot see what is wrong, they just know something is not right. You have pin pointed it, Kudos.

Relationships are about support, friendship, love, appreciation, and kindness. They are not about control, hovering, and manipulation. You may say “he is kind and loving”, but when he is also controlling and manipulative you may need to question how much of that is real. Most of all you should be happy if not all of the time, the majority of the time.

My best advice is to get out and get out now while you can see clearly. Make sure you are fully prepared when you go in for the break up though, he will either try and talk you back in to the relationship or he will act like it is completely ok for you to go. Just remember you know his true colors and you deserve better. You know it and believe me he does too.

Controlling men can be dangerous, it starts verbally and manifest into a physical thing 9 times out of 10. Spare yourself.

Love,

Miss J

For those of you reading this who feel you may be in a potentially unhealthy relationship check out the signs here.

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© LoveJays 2012

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Ir·ri·tate (Verb) 1. Make (someone) annoyed, impatient, or angry.

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend drives me straight up crazy sometimes with his tendencies to procrastinate and give up easily when there are obstacles instead of using his brain to figure out a solution. Is this something that he’s ever likely to just grow out of and man up???

A: Dear My Man Quits too Easily:

It’s rare to mix “man” and “quit” in the same sentence. From a young age, boys are groomed to never quit and always fight through adversity. I can vividly recall the countless number of times my drill sergeant-esque father would shout (if you know my father, you understand shouting is his ONLY method of communication) in my direction any time my body language suggested that I was ready to give up regardless if I was on the court or completing a homework assignment. As with most men who experienced the same childhood lessons preached by dad, we were almost programmed to never let the world get the best of us.

Unfortunately, not all boys have the privilege of receiving such invaluable lessons at an early age. Growing up could have been easy. Maybe he didn’t have work hard to accomplish his goals or he knew how to “get his way” when the going got tough. Who knows. I firmly believe parenting styles have a DYNAMIC effect on the way boys mature into men and how they approach life in general.

I’m not quite sure where I am going with this response, but it seems like I wanted to vent for a little bit. In regards to your boyfriend, I am confident he will eventually grow out of his childish ways and take a mature approach to challenges. It just may take a little longer than you anticipated. Consider his background and find ways to encourage him. You can always pull his man card – we hate when it happens, but when pulled appropriately, we will do everything in our power to make sure it doesn’t happen again!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Oober Frustrated,

Ok, let’s start with the procrastination factor. I am queen procrastinator. Not because I am lazy, but because there is a whole list of things I’d rather do. Call it irresponsible if you will, well actually yea call it irresponsible because that is what it is. The older I get the better I am with doing things right away. I still do not like it and my natural instinct says to put it off , but I know now that I am “grown” I have to act like it. I think this may be the case with your boyfriend. He just needs to suffer the consequences of procrastination a couple times. I mean real consequences; I’m talking he misses out on something he really really wanted, or having to pay so large a sum that he has to pick up extra work. It is going to have to be extreme. If he has been procrastinating his whole life there is a reason why…because it has worked in his favor!

And now as to the “giving up” try to encourage him. People typically quit out of fear. Something else to consider is that he simply could have just changed his mind. Sometimes you have to put something down in order to reach for something greater.  Just a thought!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

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Cheating Cheating Cheating

Q: Just for the sake of discussion, under what circumstances do you forgive your partner for cheating? For young couples. Not married or people with kids.

A: Dear When/If/How to forgive my cheating partner:

Cheating has to be the most sensitive and gender-divided question in the history of relationships. What constitutes cheating? Are there different levels of cheating? Why do people cheat? If you are currently in a relationship (one that spans beyond Facebook, Twitter and Emojicons), at least one of the above questions has been discussed, re-discussed and then discussed again.

The answer to your question differs from person-to-person and from relationship-to-relationship. I know people who have forgiven their significant other for “hitting a homerun” with another person, while I have also known people who have been kicked to the curb for a kiss. It truly depends on the relationship you have and the boundaries the two of you have set. I’m sure it’s safe to say cheating typically doesn’t result in the strengthening of a relationship, so you have to decide if you are comfortable knowing your significant other made a mistake. It is possible to move-on and continue the relationship, but understand it will be a looooooooong road to recovery. Some will take the journey; some won’t. Power and respect to those who overcome!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear hypothetically of course,

Oh cheating, my favorite subject…NOT. This is the type of question you need to ask your specific partner. For example, I have a very low tolerance for cheating. I made this clear to Mr. J from the beginning. The conversation went like this “Don’t cheat, I will leave.” Point, blank, period. I personally think the younger you are and the less invested you are in a person the more reason you have to pick up and leave. There are no children, no pets, no shared cars, and no mortgage. LEAVE.

Yes, we could argue that we are young and hormones are raging, but any way the cookie crumbles cheating takes time to do. People know when what they are doing is wrong. There is always a little voice in the back of their head saying “I don’t think my significant other will like this” whether they choose to listen to this or not is another story.Emotional cheating, same thing. Starts with text, then phone calls, then all the sudden you are hanging out, then you begin telling them things you don’t even open up about to your significant other about anymore and BOOM there you are emotionally cheating. Congratulations. The only form of cheating that i deem as forgivable is if someone kisses you unprovoked and you push them away immediately, having not kissed them back. Then again that really isn’t cheating.

With all that said, there are some women out there who say it depends on who with and why. My contention is if I am providing you with all you need and more as a girlfriend and you still feel the need to step out than I will no longer feel the need to continue our relationship. Your significant other deserves all of you and if they happen to not deserve all of you, go find another significant other.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012