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The Truth About Texting

Q: Hi, LoveJays!

I’m curious about this whole texting and dating situation. I’ve never been much of a texter — and to be honest, I hate texting. It’s bothersome and you never know what to say and when the other person doesn’t text back, it leaves you wondering, “What?” I’ve just recently started “talking” to someone and it all started one night because we texted for four hours straight. He initiated talk throughout the week but this weekend, conversation has been sporadic. I won’t hear from him for four hours but when I do, he still seems interested. Sometimes when I ask a question, it’ll take him a whole day to get back to me. I know he’s a busy person but I can’t help but wonder. My friends say that most guys are just shitty communicators when it comes to texting. Is that the case or is he just not interested anymore? Is texting just a shitty way to communicate too? Or has it just gotten to a point where he knows he has me and therefore doesn’t feel the need to court me via text message?

A: Dear Pick Up The Phone,

First, let me say I do consider texting an acceptable form of communication. It’s a great way to send and receive information quickly when you do not feel like/cannot pick up the phone. However, when “talking” to and individual it would be nice if you guys actually verbally talked. Texting leaves too much to be interpreted, especially when you are trying to communicate how much you do or do not like a potential mate.

As far as your question goes, I think it is safe to say he was excited when he first started talking to you and now he is less excited. Does this mean he does not like you? Not necessarily. Let me put it this way, he’s definitely not head over heels. No one who wants to communicate is bad at communicating. It’s not difficult to respond to a text message. Sadly, your friends have been misinformed and are passing along their misinformation to you. If he was really that terrible at texting (is that even a real thing?) he would not have been so responsive in the first place.

Confession: I say I am bad at responding to text all the time. What I really should say is “I read your message and opt not to respond right away because I am doing something else I am more interested in doing at the time.”

Sad, but true and also not an acceptable excuse when trying to seriously get to know a person.

Also, there is no such thing as “courting via text message”. It is literally the most impersonal mode of communication.

I say this in love…DO NOT BE AFRAID TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS! 

You get what you demand. Now would be a great time to demand that whoever is  interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Text Messaging Confusion,

Let’s start this with a simple PSA to all the men: STOP USING TEXT MESSAGING AS YOUR PRIMARY METHOD OF COMMUNICATION!

SMS: it’s an acronym. (S)hort (M)essaging (S)service. Keyword: SHORT.

Text messaging was developed with the intention of exchanging quick, short-handed conversations without having to call someone. It wasn’t developed to prevent people from ever using their cell phones to ACTUALLY dial a phone number and have a verbal conversation with another human being! Imagine that — using our phones to call people? What a strange concept. You mean to tell me cell phones aren’t just made for downloading 2000 apps or stalking friends on social media or taking pictures of every pointless thing in life?

I’m not bashing text messaging; I use the service everyday. However, I am calling out all those who write college length essays over a text message. Really? Were all those characters necessary? In the time it took you to type everything, you could’ve done the following:

1. Dialed my number
2. Listened to the phone ring at least 3 times before I picked up.
3. Asked your question using half of the words you were going to type.
4. Received the answer to your question.
5. Had a 3-5 minute conversation discussing at least five other things.

You see what we did there? By picking up the phone, we were actually able to discuss multiple topics (in a short amount of time) AND we didn’t have to decode your poor use of the English language or emoticons. Fascinating.

Want to hear more about my opinions on text messaging when dating? Good, I’m glad you agreed.

Where were we? That’s right, something about texting a guy for four hours.

FOUR HOURS?

I’m all for getting to know someone, but if you can’t pick up the phone and carry-on a halfway intelligent conversation, you clearly aren’t as interested as you give off. What makes you think a man who isn’t willing to SPEAK with you is willing to be SEEN with you? Any man who is genuinely interested in getting to know a woman on a more personal level will have no problem picking up the phone, regardless how “busy” he may be or how “poor” he communicates. And as a woman, you should demand his attention and respect. Winning the gold medal shouldn’t be easy, right?

Love,

Mr. J

P.S. Courting via text messaging doesn’t exist. The end. 🙂

© LoveJays 2013

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Can I Trust Her?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Can I trust a partner who stepped out on me in an unofficial relationship and lied about it , when now we are together but she’s going back to same area for 7 months where she cheated/stepped out in the first place?

A: Dear Still Steppin’,

Stepped out in an unofficial relationship? Sounds like a slight oxymoron. I’m not trying to sound crass, but if the relationship was unofficial, what rules are expected to be followed?

Recently, Miss J and I have been hearing about more and more people bypassing “titles” in their relationships and operating in a “let’s just see how this goes” type fashion. I’m all for people composing the music to their own relationship, yet there comes a climax point when one of the parties is looking to move from a temp to a full-time employee. How much we may dislike it, there is a reason why structure, organization, and rules exist.

As for trusting a partner who continually revisits the place where she got caught up at…I’d scratch my head a few times. Does she have to visit this place on a continual basis (i.e home, school, work) or is this somewhere she goes just because? As we suggest in all of our writings, if her actions are truly bothering you and causing you to lose trust within the relationship, you must communicate those feelings. If she isn’t interested in having a conversation, your suspicions may be confirmed.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear It’s All About Trust,

I don’t know, can you? What does your gut say?

You said you were in an unofficial relationship, so technically she did not cheat. If anyone hates to say that, I do, but facts are facts. There’s no such thing as kind of committed. You either are or you aren’t.

Also, where did she “cheat”? If it’s a location she can’t help but frequent (i.e. work, parent’s neighborhood, school ect…) then you have to let bygones be bygones. If it’s somewhere she can help going (i.e. the club, local bar, random dudes house ect…) then you need to have a serious conversation.

A healthy relationship cannot exist without trust. If you are not willing to trust your partner, you should reconsider being in a relationship with them.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

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How Do I Break Up With My Girlfriend?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been with a girl for a very long time.I really do love her, but I know I cannot be with her forever, or any longer. What was once a young fun love has turned into a chore. I am tired and frustrated with this relationship. I just don’t know HOW to break up with her, since she is so amazing to me. So what do I do and how do I do it?

Thanks,
Almost Single

A: Dear Saying Goodbye Isn’t Easy,

Breaking up with someone is never fun. Getting broken up with is even worse.

We’ve all seen the Maury Povich shows where the men are asked to take a lie detector test to prove they are innocent from cheating on their significant other. 99.1% of all the men who have ever been tested usually fail with flying colors, which then leads to the women having full emotional breakdowns on stage and telling their man the relationship is over. When the emotions are high and the proof is clear, it seems as the decision to break up is a no brainer. However, several of the couples will be featured on a follow-up show and the two will still be together!

What’s the point I’m trying to make? The reason(s) we may break up with someone vary in scale, but despite how clear the reasons are — letting go of someone you love isn’t easy.

And how am I so sure? Let’s take a trip down memory lane…

Six months into our relationship, I tried breaking up with Miss J. I attempted to explain why I didn’t want the relationship to continue, but I couldn’t get my words out. We went back-and-forth for a few and decided I wasn’t quite ready for the break up. It sounded good, but I wasn’t ready.

Fast forward to a year later — break up attempt #2. I wanted freedom and was tired of being in a relationship. This time I was able to get the words out. Miss J was clearly upset and I didn’t know what to do next. I left the room, spoke to my mother for about 30 minutes, then rescinded the break up.

Fast forward two years — break up attempt #3. We graduated college and were living 50 miles away. Every little thing was starting to bother me about Miss J…everything. I didn’t want to talk on the phone, didn’t want to text, didn’t want to see her. Like you, I was frustrated and felt like the relationship had become a chore.

At this point, I was 100% sure I didn’t want to be in this relationship any longer, yet I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger. After two failed attempts and three years of teeter-tottering, it wasn’t until Miss J sent me an email in the early morning hours explaining her frustrations that I was finally able to actually do it. Even though I knew in my head what I wanted, it took almost the perfect setup to make happen.

The reason you don’t know how to break up with your girlfriend is because you are scared and selfish. You’re frustrated and probably a bit miserable, but releasing her to the world of millions of other men who would date her in a heartbeat isn’t something you want to feel or accept. You aren’t willing to run the risk that if the two of you break up, this very well may be the last time she will be your girlfriend.

Holding on to someone you love for selfish reasons is the worst thing you can do for both people. It’s time for the two of you to grow individually, separately. Life teaches us the best lessons through pain and difficulty; grab your pen and paper and start taking notes.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear I Just Want To Get It Over With,

My father has always told me when it comes to dating either one of two things are going to happen.

  1. You Break Up.
  2. You Get Married

Once you have decided you are probably not going to marry a person or spend the rest of your life with them in any capacity, inevitably, you are going to break up. I know it’s sad, but you are not doing your girlfriend any favors by trying to spare her feelings for the moment. You are going to have to rip the band-aid off at some point, and whether it’s today or two months from now, it is still going to hurt.

You said she is amazing to you, if you really want to do her a favor let her go. Tell her you care for her and you don’t want to hurt her, but her love deserves reciprocity and that’s not something you can offer.

Love,

Miss J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ26gAc7BtU]

 

© LoveJays 2013

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Sex First, Love Second

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Do you think true love will transpire from a relationship started on strictly sex?

A: Dear Sex First, Relationship Second,

Contrary to popular belief, a relationship started on strictly sex has the ability to transform into one built on love, trust and understanding. Would I bet the house on it? No. Do I believe the majority of relationships that are rooted in just sex will eventually fail? Yes. However, just because we start something one way doesn’t always mean it will finish the same way.

We’ve written about sex numerous times in the past and we can agree sex plays in an important role in any sexually active relationship. Did you catch that? An important role. As defined by the lovely dictionary app on my Macbook, role is defined as “the function assumed or part played by a person or thing in a particular situation”.

Function assumed. Part played.

The definition clearly suggests that a role does not make up the entirety, therefore sex shouldn’t make up the entirety of a relationship. “Sex-only” relationships are typically characteristic of people who are unwilling or afraid to embrace the other roles needed to maintain a healthy and successful relationship. And guess what happens when you have two people who are unwilling to do the “other stuff”? You guessed correctly — a shoddy relationship at best.

Fortunately for us, we are all humans and have the ability to change. If both parties (yes, BOTH PARTIES) are willing to move sex from the forefront of their relationship and develop the other necessary components of a relationship, true love can transpire. Be sure to prepare yourself for a looooooong and bumpy ride! 🙂

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear Sex Before Love,

In today’s day and age, it is not uncommon to have sex with a person before actually getting to know them. Just as we have emotional needs, we also have physical needs. Sometimes a person intended to fill a physical need can surprise you with their ability to fill your emotional needs as well.

As a woman, I can see how it could be pretty simple to make the transition from friends with benefits to boyfriend and girlfriend. Whether you want to admit it or not, sex is an emotional experience for us. Even if we think we have shut off the emotional switch, every time you lay down with a man you are opening the emotional flood gates just a bit.

Men operate differently. It’s a little easier for them to separate physical pleasure from emotional desires. I hate to say it, but because of this fun fact, once women give what Steve Harvey calls “The Cookie” away, they are at a disadvantage. Men are motivated by sex. It’s not even all about the act, half the time it’s about the mystery. What does that women really look like, feel like, smell like ect…Once the mystery is gone so is the motivation.

It’s no secret that sex confuses things. Is it possible to have a true, loving relationship with the foundation being just sex? Absolutely. However, it is not probable. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013

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Ask Me Out Already

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you get a guy you like to ask you out?

A: Dear I Want A Date,

I am not sure there is a surefire way to “get” a guy to ask you out. There are a couple of things you can do on your end, but ultimately whether or not he decides to ask you is up to him.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Do not sleep with him. No one wants to buy the cow if the milk is given out for free.

2. Do not unleash every single feeling you have ever had about everything in life. A man is less likely to want to see what you have to offer if you just put it all out there for him to see right away. Men like a little bit of mystery.

3. Be the best version of yourself. Take care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Men are attracted to a confident woman.

These tips will help, but as I said before, you cannot make a man ask you out if he just does not want to. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

Dear He Hasn’t Asked Yet,

Let’s keep this short and sweet: does he like you?

Despite our best efforts in showing someone how we feel, if the feelings aren’t mutual..there isn’t much you can do. We sometimes convince ourselves that just because we like someone, they should like us back. Who wouldn’t want to date a tall, handsome, outgoing and ambitious man? Well, I can name dozens of them and fortunately Miss J is probably one of a select few who could ACTUALLY deal with my ridiculousness. Hence why we have been dating for five years!

On the flip side, if the feelings are mutual and he hasn’t asked you out – maybe he isn’t quite ready or he is dealing with some stage fright. The “quite ready” can mean a multitude of things and vary from guy to guy, so be a little proactive in getting what you want. A little bit of confidence and aggression in a woman never hurts! And for the stage fright – who wants to date a man unwilling to pull the trigger?

Love,

Mr. J

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Is He Interested?

Dear Love Jays,

Are there such things as signs so you know when a guy is into you?

Dear Looking for Signs,

When a man meets a woman who has caught their attention, we typically tend to give off dozens of signs. Whether it’s being extra friendly (I’m talking that painfully over-the-top friendly) or connecting with you on social media and “liking” every new status update or picture, men aren’t very shy about their intentions.

Unfortunately for us, women are in full control and interpret these signs in two ways:

  1. He is trying too hard…not interested.
  2. He is acting different…does he like me? If so, am I interested?

The first interpretation is well warranted since many of us really do try too hard when talking with a lady. Fellas, let’s be honest here, we can all look back and identify at least 3-5 times when our game just wasn’t quite up to par. Easy way to avoid looking like an idiot – talk with your head, not with your penis.

On the flip side, the second one makes things complicated. Men typically have a very fast turnover rate, except for those rare instances when we are shot with Cupid’s arrow. We think know what we want and If we don’t get it in a relatively short amount of time, we move onto the next one. Right, wrong or indifferent – men aren’t the most patient when it comes getting a woman. As a result, our lack of patience is probably the leading reason why so many good women are still single!

There is no doubting the fact that men give off signs when they are interested. The real question is are you opening yourself up into receiving such signs?

Love,

Mr. J

 

Dear I Need a Sign,

Reading the opposite sex can prove to be challenging. No one wants to put their feelings out in the universe all willy nilly for everyone to see without knowing there will be a definite ROI (Return on Investment). Because of this we often find ourselves trying to guess how a person feels about us and overreading into the smallest gestures.

When it comes to reading a man, I find they are actually quite simple. They may not always say what they mean, but they will always do what they mean.  Basically I am trying to say their actions should speak louder than their words. You can tell a man likes you when what he says lines up with/ backs up what he is doing.

Example:

He says: I like you.

Action (If he likes you): He buys you flowers.

Action (If he doesn’t like you): He does not acknowledge you in public.

These are just examples, but I am sure you understand what I am saying. It’s all in the actions. Trust your gut.Words are just words if there isn’t any fire behind them. Always remember, sweet nothings without actions are just that…NOTHING. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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© LoveJays 2013