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Afraid Of Being Alone

Love Jays

Dear Love Jays,

I am unhappy in my relationship, but I love my significant other while also being afraid of being alone. Advice?

Dear Unhappily Staying,

Happiness: Life’s ultimate goal.

Sacrificing your happiness out of fear of being alone is ultimately hurting your own personal growth and development. When we love someone, our logical processes sometimes get disrupted by the heart’s overwhelming power and we may ignore some important triggers along the way. Before we can fully love someone, we must learn to love and respect ourselves. Casting aside our own personal well-being for love’s sake isn’t love at all; it’s deception at it’s finest. Every relationship requires us to make sacrifices; happiness isn’t one of them.

What is the true reason you are afraid of being alone? Are you unwilling to confront your own thoughts and examine the true source of your unhappiness? Are you comfortable in your own skin? I don’t write these questions to attack; I write these questions from personal experience. The road to discovery isn’t the most comfortable experience, but it’s the most important journey we can make.

Love,

Mr. J

Dear Afraid To Move On,

Fear. It is the number one reason why people don’t do the things they really want to do. You may love the person you are with, but you both deserve happiness. If you are unhappy, chances are your significant other isn’t either and if he/she isn’t there yet they eventually will be. It’s just a matter of time.

Staying in a relationship out of fear is a recipe for disaster. No one wants to be alone, but once you take the leap you may find that you like yourself and being on your own isn’t so bad. Having company and companionship is great, but knowing you can be happy on your own is better. It will make for  healthier relationships in the future and a happier you.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

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Individual Values On Opposite Ends

Religion vs. Science

Q: Dear Love Jays,

What’s your opinion on two people being in a long-term relationship where they have very different values?

A: Dear Differing Values,

Values are at our core. The way we think, act, or speak all boils down to our value system. Most values are developed from our religious beliefs or lack thereof, and we tend to hold very, very strongly to these convictions (sometimes to a fault). When engaging with someone whose values contradict our own, we often times distance ourselves or participate in never-ending arguments on why each other’s beliefs are “correct”. Don’t believe me? Take a look at Congress and formulate your own opinions.

While differing opinions make life interesting, formulating a long-term relationship with some whose values are “very different” may prove risky, especially when children get involved. I refuse to put someone down for believing in something differently than me, but why put myself in a situation where I’m continually left defending my point of view and subjecting myself to criticism?

Relationships are built on people. If values are at the core of every person, how can we build a strong relationship with someone whose foundation isn’t cut from the same material? It’s not impossible and there are exceptions to all rules, but compromising WHO we are shouldn’t be a relationship requirement.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear Different Strokes for Different Folks,

Jumping straight in…

Your values are at your core, who you are is based upon what you believe in. On every level, not just when it comes to religion. It’s okay for two people to have value systems that are similar, but slightly differ. You can work with that.

Now, in your case you are saying you have “very different values”, this leads me to believe there are very little similarities, if any at all. The saying “opposites attract” is valid, but only when speaking of hobbies and interest. Your values don’t have to be identical, but they should be pretty darn close. I would think it would be hard to be with someone, long-term or otherwise, who stands for everything you don’t.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013

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I’m In Love With A Stripper

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I am in a new relationship. We have been dating for about 4 months now. My bf has a past of being a ladies’ man and male dancer. Of course, this was something he mentioned after we had been dating for 3 months. Anyways, on his social media at least before we met, he would have pictures shirtless and showing his tats. I guess what you would expect a male stripper to have which women commenting.

When I first added him on Instagram (IG), I mentioned his postings to him over the phone and he laughed it off. Based off his posts and who he is in real life, it almost seemed like a completely different person. Now since he met me, all that has changed and his hyper sexualized pics and sayings on IG stopped . Now on his IG, majority of his pics are of us or he’ll have pictures of me. He’s friends will like it and so will the ladies… He def acknowledges me on this social media sites. So… as a woman I see him doing all the right things and putting in effort to make the relationship work. He has changed 360 and everyone who knows him can tell. We are now saying the “L” word and I am in love with him. His past is what I’m working on trying to accept because I am a traditional type of girlfriend. Plus it’s just strange to think I’m in love with a former stripper o.0 . I wonder if he really did change sincerely.

Enough of the back story, Ok so the reason why I need your advice is, that I asked for the password to his Facebook. I just feel like he’s living this double life and I don’t know about. He asked for mine and I gave him mine. Last night I did a little snooping and though there wasn’t any recent flirting going on… I saw a lot of messages with random women and A lot of FLIRTING. Now today when I tried to log on his FB, he changed the password. To me, that says red flag. I just don’t see why a person would do that? Is he really who he says he is? Should I really trust a person 100% when he was a male dancer and flexed his body all over the internet? I just want to feel like I know him 100%… who he was before he met me. I don’t know I’m so infatuated with knowing but I just don’t want to get hurt.

Sincerely,

Miss Is He True??

A: Dear I Need To Snoop In Order To Trust,

Your man was male stripper. You either accept it, or you don’t. I will say, it is a bit unfair he waited so long to tell you. I think that’s important information to have when getting in a relationship. Not because you need to know in order to judge him, but because you need to decide whether or not that’s something you can handle from the beginning.  I am not going to lie and say I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you right away; he has probably had his fair share of girls who have run for the hills after he shared his occupation.

Now onto your question, snooping through his social media is not going to give you a look into his soul. It is not going to help you know him 100% anymore than looking into his left shoe would. It will however, invade his privacy and cause unnecessary issues. Think about it, did it really help your relationship to see all his old messages of him flirting with other women? Every woman has snooped before, but to ask to have permanent access to his page is intrusive. It’s not shady that he changed his password on you; he did not have to give it to you in the first place.

The only way to know someone “100%” on a relationship level is if they are open with you and you are open with them. It also requires trust, which you are lacking. Trust is a risk, hence why a lot of people have trust issues. Like any risk, sometimes the leap of faith you take rewards you and other times it comes back to bite you in the a**. Your choice.

Love,

Miss J

Dear In Love With A Former Male Stripper,

When I read the opening three sentences of this question, I just knew I was going to be in for a good surprise. I was waiting for you to say that you caught him stripping at a private party and all hell broke loose! Though this story didn’t end in a plot fitting for a Hollywood movie, your experience with social media causing problems in a relationship is widely shared.

Social media is the gateway to the world. It’s home to endless conversations and debates connecting people all with a simple click. It’s power is notorious. One #hashtag can connect millions of people who otherwise may have never been connected. For all the reasons social media is good, it can also land us in hot water. Employers are checking our accounts during the hiring process, law enforcement monitors it for clues that may solve a crime, sponsors are dropping their clients for saying too much; the list goes on.

While these cases carry a much stronger effect, the freedom of connecting to just about anyone can tempt even the strongest to engage in some “flirty” conversations. I’m not here to defend or provide a cop-out for those participating in such conversations; I’m only here to recommend using caution when engaging on your social media accounts. With all that said, our social media accounts are OUR accounts and asking another for their password to “do a little snooping” is out of line. Momma always said if you go looking for trouble, you will surely find it. If him changing his password is a red flag, what would you call yourself asking for his password?

Miss J and I have been together over 5 years and neither of us have ever asked for the passwords to each other’s personal accounts. We respect each other’s space and understand the importance of having things that are your own. If you are having difficulty accepting and trusting his past, there isn’t much he can do to change your mind. You willfully made the decision to date a former stripper; consequently, you are going to have deal with some things you may not like.

Freedom of choice is the beauty of life. Each choice yields a different result; it’s on us to decide what we are willing or unwilling to accept.

Love,

Mr. J

 

© LoveJays 2013

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiESfkYop4E]

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Friendships of the Opposite Sex

Opposite Sex Friendships

Q:Dear Love Jays,

My fiance goes out to bars and stuff. Recently, I saw him texting a female who he said is just a friend. What is your view on guys having females as friend who they meet after already being in a relationship.

A:Dear Feeling Friendly,

Developing new friendships of the opposite sex, while in a relationship, can often be a bit tricky. We are naturally attracted to like-minded people and it’s impossible to completely “turn-off” our friendly demeanor because we are in a committed relationship. We have all met some of our friends at the most random of places or times, yet that is the beauty of life and these friendships.

I’ve always been an active proponent for developing new friendships throughout our various stages of life; however, it is very important to exercise common decency and respect when developing new friendships. Our intentions may be completely innocent and pure, but those same intentions may not be reciprocated by the other person. Miss J has often expressed that women are more attracted to men who are in relationships because it shows that these men have the capability of committing. As much as I have tried ignoring this statement, it has proven to be true more times than not.

I’m not against making new friends of the opposite sex, but it’s critical to make your significant other aware of this newly formed friendship. If introducing the two would cause a problem, chances are very likely this “friendship” probably shouldn’t exist.

Love,

Mr. J

A: Dear Female Friends,

My initial response is to say there is no such thing as a new female friend. Yea…that’s about it.

Exceptions
  1. She’s your Friend. (The girlfriend’s friend)
  2. She’s a work friend, that he leaves at work.
  3. She’s a friend from class, that he leaves in the classroom.

There should be no one-on-one hanging out. Texting is okay, but not in length.

Acceptable Text:

“Hey, what time is the mandatory meeting tomorrow?”

*his response should be short and sweet and as should hers.

Unacceptable Text:

“Hey, how was your day? I was bummed in that meeting at work today, but then I saw you and it made me smile. xoxo”

Every relationship has its own set of rules. Mr. J and I established early on what we would and would not tolerate as far as befriending the opposite sex goes. In my opinion women do not need to befriend men who are already involved in a relationship any deeper than on a surface level. Okay, I have to leave this alone before I get messy. I will talk about it more on our radio show this Saturday.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

 

© LoveJays 2013

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How to Demand Respect and Attention

Demanding Respect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

In the recent question regarding The Truth About Texting, both of you guys made the same very interesting point. Mr J said, “And as a woman, you should demand his attention and respect.” while Miss J said, “I say this in love…DO NOT BE AFRAID TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS! You get what you demand. Now would be a great time to demand that whoever is  interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.”

My question is how do you make those demands? I feel like I’ve demanded from my boyfriend that respect and attention and whatnot and it seems to only create more strife/conflict in our relationship. Is there a right way to do this that I don’t know about?

A: Dear How to Demand,

I’m just going to dive right in.

When it comes to communication, you have to teach people how to communicate with you. For example, if you want someone to call you instead of texting and they shoot you a text saying,”How was your day?”, you would respond by saying, “Call me when you have a moment and I will tell you all about it.” That is what I meant by “demand that whoever is interested in you has to be interested enough to call you.” Now on to your question…

  1. What have you done to “demand” respect and attention from your boyfriend?
  2. What is your idea of respect and attention?
  3. Are you giving him the same amount of respect and attention you expect from him?
  4. Are your expectations realistic?

These are all very important questions to consider; when you have a quiet moment, I want you to write down the answers down and evaluate your expectations vs. reality.

How you go about demanding respect is crucial. You cannot do it by disrespecting someone into submission and you cannot do it by leaving it up to someone else’s discretion on how to treat you. You have to do it by, first, respecting yourself and second, by giving that person the respect you expect to receive. If the person is unwilling to meet the level of respect you expect (that is where the respect for yourself comes in), you leave. Respect is essential and without i,t you cannot have a healthy relationship.

Attention can also be tricky, some people need more attention that others. If your idea of attention is being together all of the time and talking on the phone every second you spend apart then that is an unrealistic expectation. No one can give someone 100% attention 100% of the time. On the flip side, if you are only able see your boyfriend twice a week and when you see him he is always preoccupied with something else then you have a valid case.

In college Mr. J and I spent a lot of time together, but it was never quality time. It always felt like I just happened to be there and he would go about his day. He honestly thought we were spending quality time together just because we were in the same room. I told him it was not about the quantity of time, but the quality of the time we spent together. I would rather see him for one hour everyday and really spend time with each other, than see him ten hours of every day but not ever engage in something meaningful. This whole interaction left me needy; I eventually wanted all of his time hoping it would eventually turn into something of quality. It never did and we broke up.

I am not saying you have to break up, I am just saying there comes a point when you have to accept the facts. Everyone is capable of giving their significant other attention and respect, they just might not be willing. Lay everything out on the table, tell your boyfriend exactly what you need and expect. If he is unwilling to meet those needs and expectations, it’s time to move on you have to decide what to do from there.

Love,

Miss J

Dear Fulfilling My Demand,

Relationships are a working partnership consisting of two people giving 100% effort towards making it successful. We’ve often heard relationships referenced as “50/50”, but the reality is that if both parties aren’t consciously striving to give their best effort, the relationship will likely fail.

Aside from effort, communication and sacrifice complete the relationship trinity. Relationships require daily maintenance and it thrives when two people are willing to commit themselves to the work. The work will not always be fun, but the dividends we receive from working hard is usually well worth it.

Have you noticed a common theme within the first two paragraphs?

“Two people”
“Both parties”
“Themselves”

We can make demands all day, but if we are with a partner who isn’t willing to work towards satisfying those demands…you’re wasting precious time and energy. It is our responsibility to enter relationships with a REASONABLE level of expectation and communicate these feelings prior to starting one. If you “demanded” your man to treat you (respect and attention) a certain way, yet you have allowed him to act below those standards, who is to blame? It’s easy to point the finger in the opposite direction; however, both of you are equally responsible for maintaining an acceptable respect level.

The hardest component in communicating effectively is not what we say, but how we say it. “Demand” has a strong overtone and people often shut down or rebel when slapped with one. We have to carefully structure our words in way that expresses our discontent without coming off too aggressive or attacking. When Miss J and I have had our own issues, she does a great job of expressing her feelings without putting me on the defensive; the times when the opposite has happened, it only led to more frustration and confusion.

Managing strife and conflict is an essential task of every relationship, yet we should never sacrifice our feelings or self-worth to avoid it. You have to decide what you are willing to accept, then act accordingly.

Love,

Mr. J

For your listening enjoyment 🙂

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0]
© LoveJays 2013
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I Don’t Approve Of My Girlfriend’s Friends

Q: Dear Love Jays,

All of my girlfriends friends are wild. They cheat on their boyfriends and are always trying to get with other guys. They encourage her to be unfaithful and wild like them. They undermine our relationship and disrespect it. What do I do?

A: Dear Birds of a Feather,

Let me get this straight, ALL of her friends are wild, every last on of them? And she is the only angel?

I am not saying she is guilty of cheating or being wild herself, I am just simply curious as to why your girlfriend would hang out with an entire group of girls who are ALL wild and cheat.

Friends, in my experience, often share qualities we either posses or admire. Every once in a while we have a friend or two who are completely different from the others, but for the most part your real friends all have something in common with you and something in common with each other. There is always a trend.

You are saying in your girlfriend’s case the trend is that her friends are wild and cheat. It can be argued, based on my observations, that your girlfriend either possesses or admires these traits. I am not pointing fingers, just saying it’s something to consider.

It is not up to you to “fix” the problem. She has to be the one to seek out healthier friendships and terminate the friendships she currently has. You can express how you feel, but when doing this it would probably be best not to have an accusatory tone. Approach her calmly and lay it all out. DO NOT tell her she “can’t” hang out with them anymore, if you do your conversation WILL backfire. The rest is up to her.

If she decides to make changes* based on your conversation, great. If not, you have to decide how you feel about that and decide what you are and are not willing to deal with.

*a change may not necessarily mean she is no longer friends with the girls, it just may mean she hangs out a little less and maybe seeks out some new friendships as well. Be willing to compromise!

Love,

Miss J

A: Dear Her Friends Stay Wylin’,

Friendships are vital in all of our lives and the company we keep is a direct reflection on us. If you were to select your five closest friends and have a person (who only knew you) talk with them for an hour, that person should leave the room and be able to piece together the reasons why they are your friends.

If your girlfriend is hanging around people who are “wild” and undermine and disrespect their relationships, it may say something about her personality. I’m definitely not saying she acts similarly to her friends, but there is no doubting that our friends help influence our behaviors and actions. If your girlfriend values and respects your relationship, spending time with people who care less about it is probably not the best idea. In my close circle of male friends, I’m the only one who has been in a long-term, committed relationships. And guess what? None of them have encouraged me to disrespect Miss J in any form or fashion and are always there to support.

At one point, your girlfriend’s friends may have been in alignment with her state of mind. But as we mature, our goals and priorities shift, which then causes us to reexamine the company we keep and requires us to make some changes. If you believe these friends could be toxic to her and your relationship, it’s time to speak with your girlfriend and express your concern. Remember, you have NO RIGHT to tell her who she can/cannot be friends with, so it’s important not to attack.

Once your feelings have been expressed, the ball is in her court and she has to decide if these friendships are worth keeping. Regardless of how much you may dislike her friends, they are her friends and you have to respect her decision.

Love,

Mr. J