Posted on

Case of the Ex

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I started dating this guy within a few months of him getting out of very long term relationship. He told me that he was not interested in a serious relationship because he wanted to see what it felt like to date casually after such a long relationship. We continued to see each other and eventually I fell in love with him (because I’m a sappy girl). Within a month after I told him about my feelings he started to occasionally say “I love you too”. Eventually he decided we could enter into a monogamous relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. We dated for a year after that and then he broke up with me because he wanted to be single and play the field. 6 months after we broke up he started dating another girl “casually” (telling her the same things he told me about not wanting to be serious blah blah). They eventually went the same route of becoming monogamous because she loved him. Now he lives with her but I’m sure he still feels this need to “play the field”. What is up with him? If he wants to be single so bad why does he keep entering into these serious relationships?

A: Dear I Haven’t Let Go,

I’m not sure if I want to address your actual question or the question of why do you care about how he “feels” in another relationship. For the sake of not hurting feelings, I will answer your questions. Just know that I’m interested in knowing why you “have this feeling” and most importantly, care. Onto your questions.

It seems like your ex-boyfriend is craving the comforts of a relationship with the freedom of singlehood. It’s a common experience most men cycle through at least 783 times in their lifetime. What man doesn’t want the option to hangout or sleep with any woman who will give them the time of day? The ability to act freely with minimal responsibility or concern is attractive. Let’s not throw in the ego factor, too. The list goes on.

While the single life presents fun opportunities, it also presents a lonely reality. I have spoken with dozens of single people, many of whom enjoy the single life, yet the majority of them will agree it gets very lonely at times. Sometimes we just want the option of picking up the phone and talking to someone who genuinely cares about the most completely random and pointless activities that occur from day-to-day. We all want to be thought or cared about. It’s a natural human emotion. One of the biggest perks of having a relationship is knowing that you have someone (other than mom or dad) who can make you smile when your days are tough and who can share in your excitement when you receive some great news.

When Miss J and I split for a couple months I wanted nothing more than to experience all the “fun” opportunities the single life offered. I enjoyed it…for about 2 weeks. Yes, I was having a good time on the outside, but emotionally I couldn’t have been more lonely. I was slumping. What seemed like fun turned out to be no fun at all. The single life really isn’t all that is cracked up to be. I was warned, but I didn’t listen. I’m happy I experienced it because I am a better man for it!

Your ex-boyfriend will have to figure it out someday. It’s not possible to have the cake and eat it too. We preach it all the time – sacrifice. It’s the name of the game. In the meantime, stop worrying about him and focus on you. I’m sure there are 100,000 things you can focus your attention on. Get to gettin’!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Who Cares,

He is an indecisive man…how peculiar. Most men experience a time in their life when they can’t decide what they want and they do not know a good thing when it hits them square in the face. What’s even worse is some of them never outgrow it and it is a never ending cycle.

The reason he keeps doing the same thing over and over is because he would like to have his cake and eat it too. It has nothing to do with you or the girl he is currently with and everything to do with him needing to man up!

My advice, count your blessings because you dodged a bullet.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Long Distance Third Wheel

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, but recently I moved about a 6 hour drive / 1 hour flight away for school.  We try to see each other every 3 weeks. He recently got a new female friend. He says he is not interested in her, but she definitely seems like she is crossing over boundaries of appropriate behavior. She invited him over to bake a cake with her, and once when my boyfriend and I got in a fight she surprise stopped by to visit him at his house and brought him ice cream…. She is definitely encroaching, but I don’t know whether to believe him or not when he says not to worry. What should I do?

A: Dear His New Female Friend,

You need to have a conversation. And it should have happened yesterday. That’s my answer. I will use the remainder of this post to give some helpful advice for all the men.

Fellas – if maintaining your current relationship is of any importance to you, quit before you even start! 99.99999% of the time you meet a new “female friend” chances are very likely that your lady is going to have an issue – a major issue. Get used to it. The relationship you are developing or have developed with this new “friend” may ACTUALLY BE non-threatening and have all good intentions (in your eyes); however, the odds are stacked far against you in regards to if your woman ACTUALLY believes you or even more importantly – believes her. I am not discouraging men from developing friendships with women because I do think it gives you a nice balance. I am simply cautioning men to be careful in selecting the women who you choose to befriend.

Men, we aren’t stupid. We try our very hardest to act as stupid as possible, but at the end of the day, we can decide between right and wrong. If you meet a young lady who you actually believe could be a true friend, introduce her to your significant other IMMEDIATELY. See how both parties react. I’m sure your lady will still have something to say, but as time progresses, she may open up. If some weeks or months go by and the lady still has an issue, it may be time to re-examine that “friendship”. I have several female friends – one of which I lived with for 2 years in college! But trust and believe, Miss J knows ALL of them and has developed a relationship with most.

Want to save yourself from tireless arguments, headaches, fights, tears, temptations or breakups? Take my advice! Friends are good. True friends are even better. Develop relationships with the right people and I’m positive your troubles will be minimized.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Unwanted Female Pest Problem,

Oh yes the “Female Friend” issue, put on your termination hat because someone has to go and it’s either going to be her, him, or you walking away. Someone has to be eliminated. 1+1 does not equal 3.

Meeting new people, increasing your circle, forming casual relationships, and developing new friendships are completely normal and completely ok.  With that said anyone with half a brain knows when you are in a committed relationship you can only go so far with developing a friendship with the opposite sex. Anyone who came before you…fair game.  Anyone who comes after tread lightly.

In my opinion it is very rare for a woman to seek out a man in a relationship just because she wants to hang out and be friends but nothing more. Major red flag. Tell him to cut off that relationship or you will be cutting yours. There is no negotiating. She has already crossed the line, you know her intentions and you know they are ill. There is no need for them to even be a friend from a distance. CUT IT OFF! All or nothing. You deserve someone who respects not only you, but your relationship.

Disclaimer 1: Your man should not be spending quality time with any woman other than you. This does not include his mother; don’t ever try to get between a man and his mom. You will lose. We will save that convo for another time…

Disclaimer 2: If your significant other has a friend of the opposite sex that they meet at work or in class and they see them in that setting or occasionally outside of that setting with other friends from that environment that is ok! I definitely recommend meeting them, not necessarily to see if they are a threat, but because it is always good to meet the people your partner deems as worthy of their time.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Trust in your Present

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I was in a long term relationship that ended bad. I got really hurt and since then have struggled with trust, and other such issues that clouded our relationship. I am with an amazing man now, who I have had no issues with thus far; EXCEPT the fact that I am so guarded and often times fear that I will face the same problems. How do I not let my last relationship affect the one I am currently in?

A: Dear Let the Past be the Past:

“The past will shape your future, but the past should never control your future.” – Anonymous

Letting the your past relationship have such a stronghold on your current relationship is unfair for your current boyfriend – and most importantly, you. When was the last time you truly sat down with yourself and analyzed all negatives that are still controlling you today? The best way to overcome the effects of your previous relationship is to personally acknowledge these issues (write them down if needed) and then share them with your current partner. Let him in on the struggles you are facing. Give him the opportunity to help you overcome. Relationships are beautiful for that very reason – you have support every step of the way.

The process will be difficult. It will be challenging. It will be uncomfortable. It will be hard work. But just know this – it will all be worth it in the end. You can’t move forward if you are always looking back! I believe in you!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Unwanted Blast From the Past,

In the wise words of my mother “Everyone deserves your trust until they give you a reason not to trust them anymore.” It is difficult to trust men in general just because of all the horror stories that are out there, and the degree of difficulty increases when you have a bad experience of your own.

You need to let the past be the past. Learn from that experience and move on. Maybe now you know what characteristics equal bad news, how to recognize cheating, or even how to know what comments will eventually lead to verbal abuse and then even physical abuse’ or maybe you just learned you ex is a jerk that doesn’t deserve you. Do not let his influence from the past hinder your present. You will be the only one who suffers.

Either way I refuse to believe the experience has left you dumber and weaker, it has left you stronger and wiser. Forget trusting your new man for a second, trust yourself! Trust in the fact that you know better now, and if anything were ever to go down with this new guy you would move to greener pastures. Also trust in the fact that you now know how to pick ‘em and you may just HAVE A GOOD MAN, they do exist.

Be in control of your happiness.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Call Me…Maybe?…Eh Probably Not

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Lets say you went out with a guy. You had fun. Two weeks passed. He hasn’t called, texted, or emailed. Should the woman reach out or should you wait? I’m modern gal and I say why wait…

A: Dear Call Waiting:

I respect you for being a modern gal and not letting traditional gender roles influence your decisions, but in this case, you should tear a page out of the ol’ school book and NOT reach out to him. If a man is genuinely into you AND respects you, he would not have let 2 weeks pass before initiating some form of communication. The technology revolution over the past decade has definitely changed the dating game (for the worse) and some men feel the old game has faded away. I couldn’t disagree more.

It’s imperative for men to  come to their senses and realize how to treat a lady. I’m sick of reading triflin’ Facebook or Twitter posts about how “some man did this” or “I don’t need a man that”. It’s obvious women are crying out for men to awake from their slumber and realize that most just ain’t doing it right! Where are the real men at? Grab your lady by the face and kiss her just because. Take her to spa and get her pampered. Get in the kitchen and make her dinner and then WASH THE DISHES! Real men need to get on their knees daily and give thanks for being blessed with a queen! Stop taking these women for granted!

As for you miss, kick that whack brotha’ to the curb and delete his number from your phone book. Hold your head up high and walk with confidence knowing that a REAL man is out there looking for you and wouldn’t dare to wait 2 weeks before he reached out to you.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Two weeks Too Late,

Leave it alone. If there is one thing I have learned it is that when men want something they work for it.

Yes, sometimes it is necessary to be a “modern woman”; for example a man may be confused as to where you stand, in that case it is ok to let him know exactly what you want and how much you do/do not like him. Based off of the fact you have already hung out he already knows what he is working with. It is his job to contact you.

Remain patient and have fun in the meantime. He may have a valid reason for not contacting you, but chances are he doesn’t. If he hits you with a text in two weeks talkin’ about he has been “busy” and he is sorry he hasn’t “had a minute” then you need to run fast and in the opposite direction because he is one of “those”.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Ir·ri·tate (Verb) 1. Make (someone) annoyed, impatient, or angry.

Q: Dear Love Jays,

My boyfriend drives me straight up crazy sometimes with his tendencies to procrastinate and give up easily when there are obstacles instead of using his brain to figure out a solution. Is this something that he’s ever likely to just grow out of and man up???

A: Dear My Man Quits too Easily:

It’s rare to mix “man” and “quit” in the same sentence. From a young age, boys are groomed to never quit and always fight through adversity. I can vividly recall the countless number of times my drill sergeant-esque father would shout (if you know my father, you understand shouting is his ONLY method of communication) in my direction any time my body language suggested that I was ready to give up regardless if I was on the court or completing a homework assignment. As with most men who experienced the same childhood lessons preached by dad, we were almost programmed to never let the world get the best of us.

Unfortunately, not all boys have the privilege of receiving such invaluable lessons at an early age. Growing up could have been easy. Maybe he didn’t have work hard to accomplish his goals or he knew how to “get his way” when the going got tough. Who knows. I firmly believe parenting styles have a DYNAMIC effect on the way boys mature into men and how they approach life in general.

I’m not quite sure where I am going with this response, but it seems like I wanted to vent for a little bit. In regards to your boyfriend, I am confident he will eventually grow out of his childish ways and take a mature approach to challenges. It just may take a little longer than you anticipated. Consider his background and find ways to encourage him. You can always pull his man card – we hate when it happens, but when pulled appropriately, we will do everything in our power to make sure it doesn’t happen again!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Oober Frustrated,

Ok, let’s start with the procrastination factor. I am queen procrastinator. Not because I am lazy, but because there is a whole list of things I’d rather do. Call it irresponsible if you will, well actually yea call it irresponsible because that is what it is. The older I get the better I am with doing things right away. I still do not like it and my natural instinct says to put it off , but I know now that I am “grown” I have to act like it. I think this may be the case with your boyfriend. He just needs to suffer the consequences of procrastination a couple times. I mean real consequences; I’m talking he misses out on something he really really wanted, or having to pay so large a sum that he has to pick up extra work. It is going to have to be extreme. If he has been procrastinating his whole life there is a reason why…because it has worked in his favor!

And now as to the “giving up” try to encourage him. People typically quit out of fear. Something else to consider is that he simply could have just changed his mind. Sometimes you have to put something down in order to reach for something greater.  Just a thought!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

Posted on

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

How do you know if you are just going through a rough patch in your relationship or if it is time to give up and move on?

A: Dear Stay or Leave,

Deciphering between a “rough patch” or “the beginning of the end” may be the toughest internal conflict to deal with in regards to a serious relationship.

All relationships experience rough patches – ALL! Ever encounter those couples who say, “Everything is great! We have no complaints and are absolutely in love!”? Side eye. If you have been in a long-term relationship (18 months or longer) and haven’t experienced a rough patch, I don’t believe you or you’re lying. Only two options.

The easiest way to help solve this problem is to reflect on the number of rough patches that have occurred within the last 6-12 months of your relationship. If you and your partner have been spending more time arguing, irritated or unhappy rather than enjoying each other’s company, chances are it may be time to move on. Relationships shouldn’t be a burden. It should NEVER feel like a chore. Relationships are supposed to be fun. As I have mentioned in previous posts, relationships require work, but the work should be enjoyable!

Maybe it’s time to have “The Talk”. Express your concerns and why you are unhappy. Ask if he feels the same. After the conversation, decide what is the best plan of action. Listen to your heart. You can stay, you can leave. Just don’t deceive yourself.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Never a Right Time to Say Goodbye, 

Yikes, that’s a tough one!

A rough patch can be an internal conflict, or something that has to do directly with your partner. It is important to first decipher which of those it really is.

The real difference between a rough patch and “The End” is whether or not you decide to call it quits.

In reality a rough patch can last for years, there are plenty of people who sit in stagnant relationships. It takes both parties to get out of a rut, if you both aren’t willing to participate then you will both be sitting in it.

Of course there will always be ups and downs, thats a given. There is no way to escape it, whenever you have two individuals make a commitment together there are bound to be some bumps along the way; but that’s just it you two have made a COMMITMENT TOGETHER. There may be moments when one person is pulling more weight than the other because of a life event, but other than that you should be even keeled.

On a personal level, if you feel you can no longer grow with a person and you have been unhappy and unpleasant to be around for an extended period of time then it is probably a good idea to immerse yourself into some serious introspection. What are you missing and is it something your partner can help you obtain? If not then it is probably best for you and your significant other if you take some time apart.

If there is abuse of ANY kind, end it. That is no rough patch, that is a rough person and it is not your job to fix them. Move on.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012