Waiting to have “The Talk”

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I have been dating a guy for a few months now, long distance. We talk and text almost every day. I have had a few opportunities to “hook up” with other guys but have turned them down because I care a lot about this guy. The thing is, we haven’t had a talk to find out if we want to be exclusive. I don’t necessarily want to do it over the phone, especially because he is going through a transition period in his life where there are a lot of things on his plate. I don’t want to add another stress to his mind right now. My question is, should I wait until we are in person to have “the talk?”

A: Dear “The Talk”,

If you are smiling and happy with your current situation, I would not recommend initiating “the talk” over the phone. The last thing any guy wants to discuss (let alone over the phone) is defining whether or not the relationship should be exclusive. As men, we have been programmed to ride the non-exclusive wave all the way to the shore. The good news is that the two of you have been dating for a few months, so when you decide to initiate the conversation, it shouldn’t be a surprise; however, be prepared for good or bad news. I am not hinting in either direction, so don’t worry!

Just remember this – even though you have been “dating” for some months, each of you are still single and obligated to have fun. Don’t judge him for any actions or behaviors until “the talk” happens.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Patiently Waiting,

Yes! Wait! I know it is hard, but either way it will be worth it. Men need time to make an emotional decision and a certain amount of calm. When they have a lot going on, especially in a life transition, it is difficult for them to make the right decision. You could either end up in a relationship he was not ready to commit to because he felt he needed to make a decision asap, or he could end up saying he doesn’t want anything serious because he feels he is forced to make a decision asap. Things are also more difficult over the phone, it is very easy to misinterpret what people are saying. Face to face you will be able to look into his eyes, gauge where he really is emotionally and go from there.

If you feel the time is right, have “the talk”. Try not to rush into it, or make him feel like he HAS to answer right away.  Bring it up, let him know you are serious, dedicated, and you would like to see your relationship flourish. Also, make it clear you really enjoy him, but you do not think you can continue the way you have been going because your feelings have grown. Do not, under any circumstances “threaten” him into the relationship. Give him a day to think about it and remain as patient as possible. He will appreciate you for respecting the fact he is going through a transition and did not force him to make a decision on the spot; with that said 24 hours is plenty of time to come up with an answer. If he is not sure after a full day of careful deliberation leave it alone and let him come after you when he is ready. He may never be ready, he may be ready when it is too late, or he will be ready right on time. The most important thing is for you to do your part and do well. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

Doing your Part

Q: Two year ago, my boyfriend of six years and I moved in together. Living together has been bliss- minus a few very minor points of contention. I am overly tidy (some might argue OCD) and I find myself infuriated by a wet towel on the door knob or water on the bathroom counter or a dish in the sink instead of in the dishwasher. I don’t want to be a nag since I know that I tend to overreact to these small things. What do I do?

A: Dear Ms. I May Have OCD:

 Might have OCD? Just accept it – you probably have some OCD circulating through your blood.

The good news is that you and I suffer the same genetic imbalance that causes us to experience high levels of emotional irritation when it comes to rather simple behaviors. I completely understand. You mentioned the two of you have been dating for six years, so I will make the assumption you know each other very well. I could easily argue that your boyfriend should be more conscious of the little things that drive you crazy (because we all know in the end, it’s never the big stuff that drives us to drink), but in his defense, you have to consciously work on not letting these little actions make you infuriated.

One of my biggest pet peeves was when Miss J would step out of the shower and not dry her feet off before stepping on the rug. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was 1 of only 3 people in the world with such a dilemma, so because of that, I had to make the conscious decision to not let something this petty get me so worked up. In a perfect world, your boyfriend would adapt to all the little quirks, but reality is, we are all different. Next time it happens, take a deep breath, smile and think of all thing great things he does to keep you happy. You never know, he may just be waiting for you to no longer react and he actually might adapt to your ways. If not, oh well. You love him anyway!

 Sincerely,

 Mr. J

A: Dear Squeaky Clean, 

In my opinion nagging is just the result of a man listening to what you say, applying it once, then abandoning the idea completely because they feel they have accomplished what you have asked for. When you bring it up again they say you are nagging, they heard you the first time blah blah blah. 

My advice is this, make a list of the things that you ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I’m talking the major offenders, you see it, cringe, and then you are instantly in a bad mood. Compose a list of all the habits that you are on edge with and have him do the same. You may be surprised by the things he brings up. Sit down and talk it over. See where your boyfriend stands, chances are he is doing all these things subconsciously. Afterwards do not bring it up again, instead hang both of your lists up on the fridge (or any other place you see everyday in your home)  and leave it there for one week (no more and no less). This way you will both be reminded of the habits your partner is not fond of without them having to either continuously “nag” you or without having them fester inside because you are doing something they can’t stand and they feel like they are bothering you if they bring it up. Communication is key, verbal communication is great and necessary but when reinforced in written form it is foolproof! 

Love, 

Miss J 

© LoveJays 2012

Cheating Cheating Cheating

Q: Just for the sake of discussion, under what circumstances do you forgive your partner for cheating? For young couples. Not married or people with kids.

A: Dear When/If/How to forgive my cheating partner:

Cheating has to be the most sensitive and gender-divided question in the history of relationships. What constitutes cheating? Are there different levels of cheating? Why do people cheat? If you are currently in a relationship (one that spans beyond Facebook, Twitter and Emojicons), at least one of the above questions has been discussed, re-discussed and then discussed again.

The answer to your question differs from person-to-person and from relationship-to-relationship. I know people who have forgiven their significant other for “hitting a homerun” with another person, while I have also known people who have been kicked to the curb for a kiss. It truly depends on the relationship you have and the boundaries the two of you have set. I’m sure it’s safe to say cheating typically doesn’t result in the strengthening of a relationship, so you have to decide if you are comfortable knowing your significant other made a mistake. It is possible to move-on and continue the relationship, but understand it will be a looooooooong road to recovery. Some will take the journey; some won’t. Power and respect to those who overcome!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear hypothetically of course,

Oh cheating, my favorite subject…NOT. This is the type of question you need to ask your specific partner. For example, I have a very low tolerance for cheating. I made this clear to Mr. J from the beginning. The conversation went like this “Don’t cheat, I will leave.” Point, blank, period. I personally think the younger you are and the less invested you are in a person the more reason you have to pick up and leave. There are no children, no pets, no shared cars, and no mortgage. LEAVE.

Yes, we could argue that we are young and hormones are raging, but any way the cookie crumbles cheating takes time to do. People know when what they are doing is wrong. There is always a little voice in the back of their head saying “I don’t think my significant other will like this” whether they choose to listen to this or not is another story.Emotional cheating, same thing. Starts with text, then phone calls, then all the sudden you are hanging out, then you begin telling them things you don’t even open up about to your significant other about anymore and BOOM there you are emotionally cheating. Congratulations. The only form of cheating that i deem as forgivable is if someone kisses you unprovoked and you push them away immediately, having not kissed them back. Then again that really isn’t cheating.

With all that said, there are some women out there who say it depends on who with and why. My contention is if I am providing you with all you need and more as a girlfriend and you still feel the need to step out than I will no longer feel the need to continue our relationship. Your significant other deserves all of you and if they happen to not deserve all of you, go find another significant other.

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

After the 3rd Date

Q: Hello Love Jays,

I recently met this girl about 3 months ago and we have went on 3 dates since that time which have all gone very well in my opinion. The first time we spent together was at Disneyland for about 8 hours where we had great conversation getting to know and learn the basics of each other. We were both enjoying the time together being very comfortable and laughing with one another. Conversation never seemed to be awkward or at a standstill. She was excited and wanted to take tons of photos and tag us together on her social media outlets. I paid for dinner and any other snack/foods we enjoyed since I invited her out. Towards the later part of the night she was latching onto my arms as we walked through the park, which I thought was a good sign. I dropped her off at home where we said good night and she ended by saying, “lets hang out again ASAP.”

We texted back and forth here and there and a little over a week later we went out to dinner at Yard House where things picked up from where they had left off from the last time we were together. We were beginning to talk about things with a bit more depth but never an awkward moment. Post dinner we went and painted at Color Me Mine just to do something out of the ordinary. Once again I paid for dinner and Color Me Mine. Stopped for dessert and eventually took her home again and the night ended at a positive tone once again. Never once felt like I had to make a move, because I felt she showed signs she was interested and didn’t want to potentially mess anything up.

Another week or so passes and this time I came up with the idea to drive down to San Diego from Orange County to catch the musical “Wicked.” This time the evening was verbally proposed as a date by me as I brought her flowers and we were a little more dressed up for the occasion. She loved the flowers and we were both very complimentary about each others attire and receptive of the compliments. Intermission of the show, she was very into taking photos together once again to share with her friends and social media. Lights go down for the second half of the show where she now is sitting closer to me. I thought by this time i’d attempt to hold her hand to see how she responded which would give me a better feeling where we stood. We held hands for about a second until she pulled back and said “not now.” I didn’t think too much of it and the night went on and she enjoyed the show. The drive back was a bit more quiet and I felt a sense of weirdness so I openly told her, “I am sorry if it was awkward that I tried to hold your hand.” She responded saying, “it’s okay don’t worry about, lets not talk about. lets talk about something else.” This threw me off that she completely deflected the question because I felt this was the opportunity to talk about where we stood.

At this point I felt I had invested a lot at this time towards this potential relationship and wanted to know if I should continue pursuing or back off. After dropping her off and giving each other a good night hug I said to her sincerely, “let me know what’s up, because I don’t want to waste your time.” Basically putting the ball in her court to decide what would be next. I have yet to hear from her. Which has been about 4 days.

My question to you Love Jays is where do you think she stands? Why were all the signs saying she was interested but after our 3rd “date” I felt we took steps back. Did I move too quick with the hand holding? Why might she have deflected the question in the car? Where should I go from here?

Thanks!

A: Dear 3rd Date Disruption:

I’m just going to jump straight into this question and answer it with the classic two words we hated seeing as a child: Game Over.

I wish I could whip-up some magical potion and deliver some better news, but from the looks of the situation, it seems the other player in the game may not be willing to move your friend-relationship to the next level. All the signs in the beginning were pointing forward for a reason – you didn’t make a move! But guess what…you should have made a move! For goodness sake, it had been 3 months and you did everything right. In my 23 years of living, I have not once waited 3 months without attempting to make-a-move (don’t judge me – I like the physical aspect of relationships). And in your case: hand holding?? C’mon now!

Keep your head up high and realize you are not the person to blame for the awkwardness. You threw the bait – she let it drop. In the words of Jay-Z, “On to the next one!”

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Wicked 3rd Date,

I think I am going to go ahead and say leave it alone. You did the right thing by leaving the ball in her court. She is obviously having some feelings that she is not communicating with you, nor does she have any interest in communicating those feelings anytime soon. You opened the door for her and she didn’t step through. Leave it at that. From the first and second date it seems she wanted physical contact on her terms, maybe she is just trying to have fun. I understand she even included you on her social media pages, but let those thoughts go. Pay attention to the now. If she shows interest in you it is fun and enjoyable, if you show interest in her it has the potential to get serious and maybe she is not ready for that. Ask yourself some questions like what was her last relationship like? Why might she have some hesitation when it comes to male initiated contact? She could have been in a bad relationship, or she could just not be there yet. In any case as long as she is not willing to communicate with you as to what the deal is you have no choice but to step back. In the mean time I want you to ponder this, do you really want to move forward with someone whose style of communicating is to shut down and retreat? The answer may be yes and it may be no, Just food for thought. Good luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2012

The Rules

1. Questions pertaining to all-things-love will be answered on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

2.  Questions will be answered in the order they are received.

3. Please submit your questions in 250 words or less.

4. We will provide you with our best advice; however we are not professionals. If you need professional help please seek a professional.

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Love,
J&J
© LoveJays 2012

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“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
-Lao Tzu

 

© LoveJays 2012