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The Difference Between Persistence and Annoyance

Q: Dear Love Jays, 

At what point does being persistent in pursuing that attractive female become an annoyance?

A: Dear A Little too Persistent,

We have always been told that persistence leads to success, but when it comes to the dating world – persistence must be executed strategically and effectively. If handled inappropriately, persistence is equivalent to thirst! And believe it when I say that once a woman thinks a man has become thirsty for her, his chances went from “slightly maybe, but not really” to “I would rather skydive without a parachute then see or speak to him again”.

Fellas – it is very important to understand the signs and vibes women give off when we are in pursuit. Unfortunately, we often ignore these cues because of infatuation and raging hormones. These signs may not be very apparent at the onset, but as time passes, I’m sure several hints have been thrown in your direction that indicate whether or not the woman is interested.

Here are a few scenarios that may indicate when a women is not interested:

1.Your phone calls or text messages have not been answered. Oh, and in case you didn’t get the hint – sending more text messages only makes it worse. You have already sent “Hey baby” or “What you doing today?” three times and failed to get a response – the 4th try isn’t going to help your cause.

2. Your request is still pending on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. The fact you found her on all three platforms is already a telling sign.

3. She greets you with the awkward  “Heeeeeyyyyy….” then claims she is on her way somewhere, so she can’t talk long.

4. You haven’t had a second date or worse, you never got the first one. Think of it like baseball – three strikes and you’re out.

I’m sure the ladies can add another 100+ examples to this list, but I thought I would kickstart it. Simply put, it becomes annoyance once the woman is not interested. Men, relax a bit and play the field wisely. The thirst is real and women are not looking to be the quencher!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Too Eager to Please, 

Every woman is different, but we are all similar in the fact we do send subtle messages (and sometimes not so subtle messages) to let you know if you are doing too little or too much.

Here are a few common cues:

If she says she thinks you are better off friends, listen to her. She means it. At that point, you need not be persistent anymore, and if you are capable of being a friend do just that; if not- walk away. If she changes her mind she will then come to you.

Also, if your woman of interest has told you point blank she is not interested, you need to respect that. It does not mean she wants to be friends, it does not mean she is playing hard to get, it means SHE IS NOT INTERESTED.

If you are texting a woman and her responses are getting shorter and shorter, that means you are texting too much. It’s okay to engage in a text conversation, but you do not need to text someone you are just getting to know a million times a day. A short phone call (yes, that device you use to text actually has the ability to call people too!)  and between 1-2 text will do for the “getting to know you/I’m interested” phase.

Lastly, lay off of the “feelers”. If you want to say something to a woman, say it and own it. If you really want to pursue a woman don’t do the half joking half serious “dang girl you look good today” with a stupid smirk on your face approach. It’s annoying the first time, bad the second time and sad the third time. If you are just trying to be silly with a friend, it is totally fine, but if you want a real chance with a woman you do not know – that is probably the worst way to go about it. Have confidence, mention she looks great or beautiful and leave it there. That way it is not a feeler and you don’t appear to expect anything in return. You just wanted to tell her she looks great and move on with your day. It’s always better to be persistent in that way than to pester her into giving you a chance. No extras or jokes needed.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

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Distant and Stagnant

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I’m in a relationship with someone I met online on a community website, and we are now in a relationship, the thing is he lives in another state and we only see each other every 2 months when one of us flies to each other. It seems he has no intention whatsoever of moving to California and he doesn’t seem as committed as I am, should I bother investing anymore in this relationship? Or should I just hang on and see how it goes? So far he still seems willing to meet every 2 months and it has been 1 year, but he doesn’t seem willing do much else…

A: Dear Struggling from Distance,

Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain and will test even the strongest people. A few weeks ago, I touched on this very subject and provided a key ingredient that most long distance relationships lack.

You have already invested a year into this relationship. but it seems obvious your significant other isn’t willing to make the appropriate changes you feel will make the relationship stronger. The two of you could remain on this current pattern of seeing each other every 2 months, but would this routine make you happy? I continually emphasize happiness in the majority of my writings because far too often, many people are willing to sacrifice it just to make someone else happy.

It is important to understand that relationships do require the participation of both parties, so it is only fair to discuss his opinions on the relationship and what changes could be made. I’m sure your answer will become quite clear after a few small conversations. Whatever decision you decide to follow, please don’t just “hang on” for the sake of having a boyfriend because I promise you, it will only make things worse in the future.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Every 2 Months,

Part of me wants to say “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, but the larger part of me wants to say it’s time to jump ship. You are both comfortable where you currently live and you aren’t budging. If you are okay with seeing each other in person 6 times a year, with no promise of it going any further, then stick to it. Why just ride it out when you can already see you aren’t going to end up at the right destination?  He has already proved how committed he is willing to be at this point in time. If you need more and you do not demand a change, I am pretty sure it will stay the same. Woman to woman, I say walk away. If he comes after you that’s great, but if not you will be open to finding love a little closer to home. Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

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In Love with a Younger Man

Q: Dear Love Jays,


I’m in a relationship with someone who is a couple of years younger than me. We have been together for a while and I know that we are in love. However, I know that in a few years I will be at an age ready for marriage, but he will still be pretty young and probably not ready. Should I let our love dictate when we will think about marriage? Or should I find someone who is around the same age making their way towards settling down and starting a family?

A: Dear Marriage on the Mind,

I’m going to ask you one simple question: What is the right age to get married?

A very important principle that is misunderstood by popular culture is the idea that marriage should be reserved for people in a specific age bracket. Growing up, males are often told, “Son, you have the rest of your life to be married – go out, meet people and have fun!” While I do agree with this advice in some manner, I also disagree with it. This way of thinking may easily result in someone (male or female) pushing away their true partner simply because “it’s not the right time” or “I’m too young to marry this person”.

Newsflash: LOVE IS NOT CONVENIENT.

I understand age is a strong representation of our emotional and physical maturity, but it should not be used as the sole determining factor in deciding whether or not one should get married. Let’s be honest, you have absolutely zero insight into knowing if he – or even YOU – will be ready for marriage in a “few years”. Just because you may be “age-ready” doesn’t mean you will be “love-ready” or “mentally-ready”. The most important factor in a marriage is simple – love. Let your love decide when it’s time to get married! In the meantime, continue strengthening the connection between your significant other and let time play it’s role. Life happens day-by-day, not year-by-year.

And for this question: “Or should I find someone who is around the same age making their way towards settling down and starting a family?” Just re-read the question multiple times and see how foolish it really sounds.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear for Love’s Sake,

Let me get this straight…you are asking if you should leave your current boyfriend (whom you love) because you want to get married in a couple of years and that MAY be enough time to find someone else who also wants to get married soon; meanwhile the man you love will marry someone else in another couple of years  and have the life you could have had if you were just a little more patient?

Let me ask you this, given the choice would you rather have an okay life with almost everything you want in 2 years or the life you really want in 4 years?

True love is a gift; you should never have to choose between being in love or getting married. They should go hand in hand. You want to be in a place where you want to get married BECAUSE you are in love. There is no way to know whether or not he will be ready to marry in a couple years, you don’t even know if you will really be ready. All women have a timeline, but if you ask most of them they will say things did not quite go as planned. If you are happy,not just content – I mean really really happy in your relationship, you should stay. Love is not guaranteed and neither is marriage, if you found a good one you should hold on to him! Things will progress naturally no matter his age.

I completely understand why you feel you have to get married/have children by a certain age. As women, we are very aware of our biological clock and we know our baby maker will only work for so long.

Is he aware of your concerns or are you just assuming he is not thinking about it and will not think about it anytime soon? In any relationship, it is important for you to communicate your expectations with your significant other. Ask him what age he thinks he wants to get married and how many kids he wants. I remember when Mr. J and I first started talking about when we wanted to get married (at this point we were not even discussing marrying each other) I said I wanted to be 28 and he said he wanted to be 30. I can tell you now, that’s not happening. We definitely over shot.  Things change and people change their minds. On the flip side, if you have “the conversation” and he says he never wants to get married and never wants to have kids you might want to reevaluate. So that’s my advice, talk to the man! You may even be surprised by his answer!

Love,

Miss J

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Phone Sex and Girl Friends

For the Ladies…

Last night I attended a screening for the movie “For a Good Time,Call…”. I went with a girlfriend of mine, it was a total chick flick and good for at least 100 laughs; although I am pretty sure I have heard enough moans and “squishy” noises to last a lifetime! On the surface the story is about two girls who (due to a mishap in college) do not get along, become roommates because of financial hardship and a breakup, start a phone sex hotline for money and eventually make bank.

*Spoiler Alert*

Underneath the surface the movie is really about the development of a female friendship. Starting and maintaining a friendship with another female is always such a process, and it made me wonder why? It then dawned on me (and the movie came to the same conclusion) that a friendship is very similar to a romantic relationship….minus the romance. These are what I feel the stages in most (not all) female friendships are.

In the movie, the friendship was initiated by one of the characters helping the other character start her own phone sex hotline.I like to call this the “I really don’t hate you” moment. We have all been there, you meet a girl and you are not sure whether or not she is going to be a friend or foe. Sadly, we are trained from a young age to view all girls as competition. Although you may not want to compete, you will always automatically size them up. Once you determine whether or not their intentions are good or bad, you act accordingly. If you decide the woman is good in your book, you then make sure they know you like them. It is very important to do this as early on as possible, a potential friend can quickly turn into an unintentional foe. Whether it is a small gesture or verbally communicating, it has to be done.

After the characters start bonding and making money through their business together, one of the girls goes out and buys them both matching bags. I call this the “I like you enough to be associated with you in public, and maybe even be called besties” phase. You have heard the saying ‘imitation is the greatest form of flattery’, well in turn wanting/letting/enabling someone imitate you is also a form of flattery to the other party involved. This is really just level two of the “I really don’t hate you” moment, maybe it should then be called the “I really really don’t hate you” moment. You decide.

As business is booming, the characters decide they need to hire a third woman to operate the phone sex hotline. In real life, I would call this the “ Let’s make a decision together because we are just that tight” phase. Whether it be deciding on where to go on vacation or what event the two of you will attend next, it is always a great sign when you can make a mutual decision with a friend. You are both in it to win it and really enjoying each other so much so, you even value and honor the input of the other.

Side note: In the movie, the third woman they hire turns out to be a Christian radical who sabotages their business by making all the phone sex hotline callers repent for their sins. Needless to say, the two main characters are not happy about this when they discover the truth and the woman immediately becomes an enemy. Do not even get me started on when women unite over a common enemy. Very dangerous territory.

One more side note: In another scene in the movie, one of the characters reveals she is still a virgin (save this nugget of knowledge for later).

Moving on…

Next, one of the girls is compelled to say ‘I love you’ to her new best friend; the other girl in a moment of utter awkwardness gives her a hug, but does not say it back. I call this the “I love you’s are for boyfriends” moment. The good news? No they are not! You are welcome to love as many people of whatever sex as you would like. There are so many different types of love and so many levels of love. Of course you can love your friend! Go ahead, say it back!

Fast forward to the climax of the movie and both girls are at each other’s throats (if you want to know why, watch the movie). One of the characters finds the need to tell the other character’s parents about the phone sex business. The parents are obviously disappointed and the girl is absolutely mortified. The two characters exchange heated words, one of the lines was something along the lines of “I did not say ‘I love you‘ because I do not love you” and the other girl shot back with “you are just an insecure virgin”. This is what I like to call the “You will always be my best friend because you know too much…never mind, I have changed my mind so all of our secrets and vulnerabilities will be used as bullets” moment. In the case of friendship you should never use what someone shared with you in a moment of trust as ammunition to hurt them. Period. Woman typically do this as a form of protection, you have trusted a female enough to let them know the real you and now you are in battle mode and your sole thought is to destroy and conquer.

For the sake of a happy ending and comic relief  the two eventually make up, I love you’s are exchanged and they live happily ever after. This is not always the case in real life.

So I wrote this whole article to say…Women, we need to get it together!

We should love and support each other. It is okay to determine whether or not someone is ill willed in the beginning, but beyond that can’t we all just get along? Let’s leave the emotional roller coaster for Vivian Green.

Love,

Miss J

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Why and How?

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Why do people cheat in a long term relationship and how do you keep the love life exciting after 5+ years?

A: Dear Loaded Question,

When we started our blog a little over two months ago, one of our first questions was in regards to cheating. The psychology behind why people cheat can be analyzed from various different angles, but it ultimately comes down to lack of respect for your significant other, lack of self-confidence and self-control, immaturity and a few other emotional charges sprinkled on top. Regardless how long two people have been dating, cheating truly comes down to the emotional maturity of the one committing the act. Just because you may be doing everything right on your end, doesn’t mean that your partner is acting in accordance. It’s not right nor is it fair, but it’s a reality that should be recognized. I am unable to fully answer “why people cheat”, but I’m fairly confident those who do cheat, do it out of personal struggles.

Switching gears – how to keep love life exciting after 5+ years? Miss J and I have only been dating 4.5 years and for the last several months, we have practiced celibacy. Do you really want my advice? I would suggest continually finding new ways to fall in love with your significant other. It is very easy to get caught up in the “everyday” life, and sometimes we often neglect one another. Focusing time, energy and commitment to your significant other will only improve the quality of your entire relationship. We spoke about this same subject in the past and I still agree with everything I wrote!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear In the Long Term, 

I am not sure cheating is a question of time as much as it is a question of character. Everyone I have spoken to about cheating says it was something they were going through on a personal level, and while maybe at the time they may have thought it had something to do with their significant other, it ultimately did not.

There is nothing you can do to ensure someone will not cheat on you, simply because it has nothing to do with you. They are a separate person with their own thoughts and own personality traits. Some people cheat once, learn their lesson and do not do it again. Others cheat once, get away with it and cheat again. Unfortunately, the best way for someone to learn their lesson (beyond a guilty conscience) is for the person they cheated on to leave them. Even still, it is not guaranteed they will not cheat again…this is where character comes in. What is it inside of them that will not allow them to be faithful? Are they taking steps to identify and work on the problem?

The good news is you have control over how to react to cheating, you can stay or you can go. Neither will be easy, but it is the one decision in your control.

Moving on… In the beginning of my relationship with Mr. J, I was adamant about never getting bored. Boredom leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to demise. Beyond what I shared in Secret to Success, I think a great addition (given the time you have invested) would be to use time to your advantage. You should be chalk full of memories and information regarding your partner. Recreate your first date, cook their favorite meal, or go do that thing you guys have always talked about doing but have yet to do it! The possibilities are endless!

Love,

Miss J

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