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A Broken Engagement and A Broken Heart

Q: Dear Love Jays,
Hi, thank you guys for your great advice. I’m here once again for more advice. I was engaged and in love, but he happened to be a very jealous and controlling boyfriend. I thought that things would have gotten better after I told him how I felt and how I wanted us to have a healthy relationship. Things got extremely bad. 🙁 . A few weeks later, I found out he had profiles on more than 5 hook up (sexual) sites. I couldn’t believe it. It broke my heart. I called the wedding off and we’re no longer together. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me but he’s already posted ads to hook up with girls and have one night stands. Its like, did I ever mean anything to him? The worst part of all is that I still care for him and I miss him. I’m scared that years from now I’ll regret leaving him. Am I wrong to feel and think this way?

A: Dear My ex-fiancé was controlling, jealous and posted ads to have one night stands with other women, yet I miss him and may regret leaving him,

I’m going to keep this real brief – respect yourself.

You were in love. You were engaged to be married. You committed 5 years of your life. It’s hard and it’s not fair, but you owe yourself the opportunity to be loved, respected, and admired by someone who truly understands the meanings of those words. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed that you still care and love him – be encouraged at your power to love even when someone hasn’t given you any reason to love them. Imagine the love you will demonstrate towards the person who loves you just the same?

You must stand firm on your two feet and boldly proclaim and understand your worth! Fall back in love with you. Learn from your mistakes. Grow wiser. Smile. Change is patiently awaiting.

Fear is crippling and will prevent even the strongest people from moving forward, but those who conquer fear usually never regret it.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Am I Going to Regret This?,  

I am willing to bet years from now, if you had not left him, you would regret staying. Give yourself some credit and trust your first instinct. Your gut told you that you were better than how he was treating you and you deserve better. Guess what? Your gut was right!

Men like that know how to manipulate you; of course he is still telling you he loves you. He even may think that he does. But ask yourself this, is the way he loves you/is capable of loving you well enough for you? The answer is no. Every woman worth her grit deserves more than that.

It is normal for you to still have feelings for him, after all you were engaged. Try not to confuse your feelings of loss with regret. Sometimes those feelings do go hand in hand, but in this case you dodged a bullet. You could have ended up spending the rest of your life dealing with issues like this, but instead you broke it off and the possibilities of finding a genuine and healthy love are endless.

So, will you regret choosing happiness? Doubtful. Hang in there and stay strong! 🙂 

Love, 

Miss J 

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In your Dreams

 Q: Dear Love Jays,

What does it mean to dream about your girlfriend cheating on you? So for at least a year, maybe more, I have had terrible dreams about my girlfriend cheating on me. There are a few recurring similarities in my dreams. Like I always walk in on her cheating. Either I walk into my house and see them or someone tells me in my dream that they think something is going on so I go to the persons house I think she is cheating  on me with and I catch them. Also in all of my dreams somehow I am always hindered. Like usually I feel super weak. And I’ll try to hit the guy but I’m super super weak and I can’t move very fast and I feel like all the strength has left my body. Sort of like I ran just ran few miles. In my most recent dream I was unable to talk. My voice was a super faint whisper and people could barely hear me. In some dreams I get mad and I want to fight but I can’t because of one of the things I just listed. This is what I expect my actual reaction would be, to fight. But I also have ones where I break down and cry in the dreams. (which isn’t like me at all) and in these dreams I’m like the most upset I could ever be.I cry a lot and ask her how could she do this to me?  In all of my dreams my girlfriend feels absolutely no remorse and she throws it in my face. She  tells me oh well. (this also is NOTHING like my girlfriend) last but not least all of the people she is cheating on me with, we both know somehow. Usually it is her ex-boyfriends. But the last time it was her cousin (and he is one of my close friends) and It has been a few other of my friends. But these friends of mine I 100% trust with gf. So if anyone could help me out I would really appreciate it. It has been goin on for probably about a year. My girlfriend and me have been together just over 3 years.

A: Dear Dreams that make you Scream,

We decided to answer this question together.

We have both, on separate occasions, have had dreams of the other cheating and had no idea where the dreams stemmed from seeing as neither one of us had a reason to distrust the other. This being the case we decided to google it (genius we know) and this is what we found:

Cheating 
To dream that you are cheating on your spouse, mate, fiance, or significant other suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You may have compromised your beliefs or integrity and/or wasting your energy and time on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, cheating dreams reflect the intensity of your sexual passion; you are exploring areas of your sexuality. In this scenario, the dream may actually serve as a reaffirmation of your commitment. Furthermore, if you are approaching your own wedding date, then it is not uncommon to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than your intended spouse. Most likely, such a dream represents the newness of your sexual passion. It may also signify anxieties of changing your identity – that of a spouse.

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are subconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truthful or is not fully committed in the relationship.

To dream that your friend is being cheated on indicates your subconscious dislike for his/her significant other. You think your friend deserves to be treated better.

To dream that you are cheating at a game suggests that you are not being honest with yourself. You feel inadequate and insecure.

We are not saying this is definitely what your dreams mean, but it’s a good start if you are looking to interpret your dreams. For more dream interpretations click here.

Hope this helps! 

Love, 

J&J 

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The Dating Game

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Q: Dear Love Jays,

So I really just need to start dating and meeting new people. I’ve been going out and exchanging numbers BUT I don’t know what to do next. How soon is too soon to text them? or should I not at all? what do you say? cause I hate those text that go nowhere like “what’s up” blahhh idk…any advice?

A: Dear Meaningless Text Conversations,

Meeting new people always proves to be interesting. We typically plan on looking our best when going out to places where a potential prospect could be awaiting, but we really never know when we may meet someone who strikes our eye. The spontaneity of engaging with someone random seems to remove the awkwardness and allow both people to just be themselves – no facades or planned out strategies. I’m an avid people lover who is notorious for talking to anyone willing to entertain my foolishness; surprisingly, most of the engagements are fun and have resulted in great friendships.

My point? Stop trying to plan ways of meeting and dating new people. Focus your energy into discovering new things about yourself – interests, hobbies, movies, books, food, etc. It’s very easy to ignore ourselves en route to seeking companionship. As we learn more about ourselves, our confidence, happiness and personal well-being elevate and others will notice. Next thing you know…BOOM! People are coming out the woowork trying to learn more about you. Good things always come when we least expect it, so pump your brakes and ride slow.

In regards to your actual question, dial the number and have a verbal conversation! Texting should be reserved for it’s intended purpose – short messaging service (SMS). If you truly want to get to know someone, emoticons and abbreviated language isn’t the best way. Using a phone in 2012 to talk is a foreign concept, but I feel a revolution coming…at least I hope. Cheers!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

 A: Dear Any Advice,

Congrats on making the decision to get out there and meet new people. You are one step closer to making things happen.

The dating game is tricky and I am in no way an expert. You sound like you want to skip the small talk and go straight for the dating; in a nutshell, you mean business. The only problem with that equation is that it takes two to tango. What type of places are you going? Are you giving your number out at the club or at the local coffee shop?

Chances are if you are giving your number out at a place where you can’t really talk to a person than you are going to get lame text messages with an unbearable amount of small talk. At a setting like “da club” you may not find a “deep” connection. You will get a lot of surface level interaction while there and that surface level of “getting to know you” will continue afterwards. Most people in that type of social setting are looking for more of a short-term good time than they are love….typically.

With that said, if you are going to a poetry night or even a game of some sort your chances of making a deeper connection are better. Not only are you meeting people with similar interest that you will have something other than “what’s up” to say to them, but you will more than likely have a conversation to pick up from.

As far as the ‘how long do you wait’ question… I have no idea! If you are a woman I would say a man will probably contact you if he is really interested and if you are a man I would say don’t wait longer than 2 days. Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

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Worth Sharing :)

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Good morning love fans!

We thought this would be fun to share. It has been in circulation for years now, but it’s worth sharing just in case some of you have not seen it and even if you have, it’s good to refresh your memory :).

Below you will find 45 lessons a 90-year-old discovered throughout the course of their life and decided to share. What valuable lessons have you learned from your own experience  thus far? What could you contribute to this list? 

Love, 

J&J 

P.S. Old people have not always been old; they know a thing or two. If you are fortunate enough to know someone who has been around a while, we encourage you sit down and listen to what they have to say.

45 LIFE LESSONS, WRITTEN BY A 90 YEAR OLD

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short not to enjoy it.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for things that matter.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye… But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful.  Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to be happy.  But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose Life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give Time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you think you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

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Celibacy: Cause and Effect

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Mr. J mentioned in one of his answers that the two of you were trying to practice celibacy. I was just wondering how that’s going for you guys as a couple and as individuals how has it impacted your relationship? Good or bad? Is it a good idea for others in committed relationships to try?

A: Dear Road to Celibacy,

Sexual intercourse is one of the strongest motivators and communication medium for young people. Our over sexualized society has subconsciously triggered the mind into believing that sex is one of the best ways to express our feelings and love for someone. It’s glamorized in every advertisement and its influence has trickled down to kids in elementary school. The act of sex is no longer looked upon as something sacred and beautiful between two people; it’s just part of the routine in everyday life.

And guess what? Miss J and I were wrapped up in that mindset for 4+ years of our relationship. I laughed at friends who practiced celibacy and never entertained the idea – I couldn’t imagine life without sex. It was the center of conversation when talking with the guys, it “helped” me communicate with Miss J better, it gave me confidence and made me feel good…why would I want to give it up?

In May 2012, I arrived at Miss J’s apartment and she was suspiciously sitting down on her bed. She had one of those “We need to talk” looks and I quickly ran through my rolodex of memories to see if I had done anything wrong. I knew I hadn’t, but it’s something about that look that will make any man panic. I joined her on the bed; she started smiling (much to my relief) and asked my opinions on practicing celibacy.

Sidebar: I started having similar thoughts about celibacy about two months prior to Miss J bringing it up, but I never had the courage to talk with Miss J about it. The thoughts went against everything I practiced and understood. So, I kept my mouth quiet and prayed it wouldn’t come up. Guess that didn’t work! Back to the story.

I immediately started chuckling and shared with her the thoughts I was having a few months prior. We talked about it for a couple of minutes and decided we would try it for forty days. No sex (all components). Nothing.

Long story short, forty days went by and the two of us noticed a positive shift in our relationship. We were communicating more effectively; our feelings for each other grew stronger; we enjoyed just sitting together and talking; cuddling and kissing never felt more passionate – everything had changed! The removal of sex opened doors in our relationship we never knew existed and our overall happiness and well-being improved. As a result, Miss J and I decided to take our forty day commitment to the next level and took a vow to remain celibate until we are married.

Five-months have quickly passed since we engaged in any sexual activity and our relationship is continuing to thrive. Sex still crosses our minds (we are human), but the urge to fall into temptation is virtually non-existent. We have ridded ourselves from the biggest distraction and we are seeing life through clearer lenses. I would definitely recommend celibacy for any couple who has considered practicing it, but be sure to make the commitment as a couple, not as individuals.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

A: Dear Curious About Celibacy,

Mr. J and I have always had a wonderful chemistry and a crazy sexual attraction towards one another. So when I was washing dishes in May and heard God say (clear as day) “You need to stop having sex” I almost shattered a dish. All I could think was “crap”.

I have always said it is not about religion, it is about relationship. I understood it was not a religious demand right away. It sounded more like “It’s in your best interest”. I immediately thought of how Mr. J would react and then I heard “It’s going to be easier than you think”. Turns out God was right, as usual.

I told Mr. J my thoughts and he started laughing and looked up and said “you got me”, I told him it was not my idea and he said he knew that because the same thing had been placed on his spirit, but he was not going to be the one to bring it up. *cue sigh of relief*

Originally we decided to commit to celibacy for 40 days, but it became apparent a couple of weeks later it was going to be much longer than that.

It’s really hard to verbalize what has changed in our relationship. Yes of course the way we are intimate has changed. Hearing his voice is intoxicating, hugging is tantalizing and cuddling is better than any pleasure sex could bring-Basically you become easy to please.  Beyond that, our spiritual connection to one another is unbelievable. I thought we were on the same page before, but that was kid stuff.

Mr. J told me one day that he “lust for my soul”, I laughed until I realized he was completely serious and I felt the same way. I know it sounds nauseating, but a higher level of love and understanding does exist. I would never have guessed the mere removal of sex would let me experience all of the things I am now experiencing in our relationship, but here we are! When you take a step back from what your body wants you become more in tune with what you really need.

Through celibacy I have discovered I really can marry Mr. J because there is a lot of substance there minus the sex. I don’t distrust that our foundation has been there all along, but I do not know if I would have seen it and because of that I may have had doubts.

I would recommend celibacy to anyone who is curious and wants to try it. I don’t know if it is for everyone, but it is definitely worth trying. Like I said, words can’t do justice to what it has done for us. It really is something you have to experience to get the full picture!

Love,

Miss J

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I Love Him But…

Q: Dear Love Jays,

I love him. But I miss the single life. We are in a great relationship, not too many complaints at all. But I wish I had found him a couple of years from now. I got with him right after an old relationship ended, and I just haven’t had the time to breathe. I don’t want to lose him though! There are tons of girls waiting for me to mess  up and swoop him up, and I truly believe he is a great man for me. We have now been together for quite a while, and I can feel my conscience nagging at me.  I’m torn between my desire to be free and my love for him.

A: Dear Torn, 

If Mr. J and I have made anything clear it’s the fact that love never happens on your terms. You cannot choose who you love and you cannot choose when to love. 

Now that’s out the way let’s talk about you. You mentioned the fact you haven’t had time to breath since your last relationship. This in itself can have you feeling the way you do about your entire relationship. You may be  stuck between who you were in your old relationship and your role in your new relationship or you may just be trying to figure out who “YOU” are in general.  Things can get fuzzy without taking the much needed time in between to reflect and get yourself together again. I wrote an article on this very subject a few weeks back; you may not want to be single as much as you want to find out who you are, deep down you know at this point you are not able to do that and balance a relationship. 

How does the saying go? “If you love someone let them go. If they return they were always yours, but if they don’t they never were.”  If you really love your boyfriend you would not keep him around just because your afraid someone else will snag him. The reality of the situation is you are not able to fully commit to the relationship and that is unfair to him. You are not having a relationship issue, you are having  a personal issue.  For most personal  problems we should be able to lean on our significant other, but I am afraid this is amongst one of the few things that your partner cannot help you work through. 

I don’t want to say a breakup is inevitable, but eventually he will catch on to how you feel and who knows what will happen from there.  It is best to be honest with him while things are still good so if you do break up it will be on good terms ( as good of terms as a breakup can be on) and there is a better chance of you guys resuming things in the future. 

Good Luck!

Love, 

Miss J 

A: Dear Inconvenient Love,

Did Mr. J from three years ago submit this question? I know we post anonymously, but I’ll make a special exception for this one. I understand your frustration completely and wish I could provide you relief…it’s just not that simple.

One of the worst frustrations I have ever experienced was fighting between the feelings of the mind and of the heart. As an 18-year-old college freshman, the LAST THING on my mind was finding a girlfriend; I was dead focused on being young, dumb and horny! Obviously, the world had something different in mind because that plan went up in smoke after one semester.

Side bar: I low-key still wonder what my college experience would have been like if Miss J and I didn’t date in college…I’m sure I would have been an absolute fool with a completely different future. Oh and not to mention, the Love Jays certainly would not be in existence!

On the outside, our relationship looked picture-perfect; internally it was slowly rotting because I couldn’t make up my mind of where I wanted to be *turns on Donell Jones album*. I, like you, understood Miss J would have been in high demand, so I selfishly kept her by my side doing just enough to keep her as my girlfriend. The frustration finally hit a boiling point and we both agreed it was time to part ways. In the time we spent apart, I was truly able (for the first time) to unselfishly analyze the situation and decide what I wanted in life – love or sex. It’s obvious which decision I chose and I am fortunate Miss J was open in giving me another chance.

The point I’m trying to make here is simple – take some time apart and stop dragging him along in your confusion. If you use the time wisely, a decision will become clear relatively quick. And this whole freedom argument – it’s just another excuse. You can experience freedom while in a relationship, it just may appear a bit differently than your single friends and will require you to exercise judgement and respect.

Sincerely,

Mr. J

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