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My Best Friend Is In An Abusive Relationship…HELP!

 Dear Love Jays,

Tough situation. My best friend is involved with a terrible guy. He’s every form of bad. She seems to have slipped in to this strong state of delusion where she believes without a doubt that the two of them are just meant to be together. Her logic? “Why would we [I] be going through all of these terrible things if we weren’t meant to be together”. As if the current challenge of being 100% loyal to and supportive of an emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive unfaithful man is somehow preparing her for this moment where she saves him, or changes him.

It seems she isn’t listening to reason or logic.
How do I help her though?

Dear Control What You Can Control,

As hard as it may be to understand, digest, or comprehend — we have no control over who our friends decide to date or marry. We all have different standards and expectations when it comes to selecting a significant other. Some of these standards seem relatively common and some are little off-base, but just because we are friends with someone, it doesn’t mean we all share the same expectations.

The best thing you can be for your friend is a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. If she comes to you for advice, give it. Be respectful. Come from a place a love. Make sure she knows you care. Everything else is completely up to her. We all have the power of choice. Choose wisely.

Love,

Mr. J

Dear Between A Rock A Hard Place,

I know your first instinct is to jump right in and rescue your friend from this man who has hurt her in every way and stripped her of any and all common sense. Unfortunately, It’s not your job to save her just like it’s not her job to save her relationally inept man. You cannot save someone who does not want / think they need to be saved.

This is not to say there is absolutely nothing you can do. You can love her and support her as an individual as much as you can. If you haven’t already, it’s okay to sit down and have a heart to heart with her and express why you are worried. Don’t attack her, she already gets enough of that. Avoid all smart ass comments, because if it comes down to her having to choose him or you, she will most likely choose him. You never want to feel like you should have said something. Say it all, but only say it once-unless she asks for your honest opinion later on down the road. Always be honest with her, she doesn’t need to be under the false pretense that you believe the lies she tells herself as well.

You are on the outside looking in, so it is very easy to say she’s delusional; which is probably accurate, but it’s not of her own accord. Men like that specialize in delusion. They are always saying things along the lines of “Baby you need me”, “you are nothing without me”, “nobody else will want you”, “if you go I will hurt somebody you love”, “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”, “if you leave me I will kill you”, “I want to marry you”, and of course there’s the “Don’t leave, I won’t do it again. I promise”. He might not be saying these exact words, but the sentiment is there.

You know the saying game recognizes game? Well, weak recognizes weak. I know you don’t want to hear it, but your best friend had a weakness and whatever it was her current weakling man recognized it and preyed on her vulnerability. Your job is to try your best to build her up and make her strong again without interfering with her relationship. Be a friend. I know it’s hard and I will pray for you both.

Love,

Miss J

*If you witness any physical abuse, it is more than okay to contact the police.*

 

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Moral Dilemma

Dear Love Jays,

What’s your opinion on two people in a relationship who have two pretty different moral compasses? Can it work?

Dear Moral Madness,

We received a question similar to this a while back regarding religion and relationships. Although this question is not about religion, it does involve yet another thing at your core — your moral compass. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you agree on everything, but what do you do when at your core you feel something is purely good, and at your significant other’s core they feel that very same thing is purely bad? This wouldn’t be so terrible if it were just one or two minor issues. When your moral compass’ are different, chances are this happens more often than once or twice, and it’s not always with minor issues.

In order to have a successful relationship you need the 3 C’s.

Compatibility

Communication

Compromise

Unfortunately, having a different moral compass affects your compatibility. Compatibility matters most when it comes to your core and ultimately, your morals dictate your actions. Is the real you truly compatible with the real them? When you are in the trenches will you be able to fight the real problem, or will you start fighting each other? You need a person who is going to be on your team to help you make your lay-up, not someone who is going to block your shot.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

Dear Differing Moral Compasses,

Can it work? Possibly. Would I recommend it? No.

Our core values and morals are the blueprint for how we live, love, act, speak. Every decision we make is directly influenced by our internal rules and guidelines. The majority of these morals are adopted through religious or spiritual affiliation, but even if you don’t associate with a religious entity, humans typically understand good vs. bad, wrong vs. right.

When we enter into a relationship with someone, we are looking to find someone who will complement our personality and help develop us into better people. Dating someone who is on the exact opposite end of this process simply doesn’t make sense. Relationships require constant maintenance — why add unnecessary challenges?

Miss J and I have been successful for almost six years because our core values, morals, and religious affiliation are similarly aligned. I’m not saying you need to fit the same requirements — I’m just sharing an ingredient of the secret sauce that helps maintain a healthy and happy relationship.

Love,

Mr. J

 

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Work Relationship Gone Too Far?

Dear Love Jays,

I was hoping to get your opinion on work friends of the opposite sex (of someone in a relationship) becoming friends outside of work or spending time together outside of work.

Dear Work Relationships,

So glad you asked this question! Work relationships are so unique and they often take on many different forms.

Sometimes a work friend is just a work friend, no more and no less. You talk to them while you are at work and all communication ends when you are at home/during the weekend/ on vacation. Other times you have a genuine connection and that work friend becomes a real friend. You can also have a work husband/wife/brother/sister, work mentor, after work happy hour buddy, company event buddy ect…

When work relationships take a turn into real friendship and it’s with the opposite sex, it’s important you significant other approves. Have them meet so they know who you are spending time with. If they are uncomfortable, it needs to be addressed. Your significant other will be able to sniff out your new work friend’s intent almost immediately. If they express to you they are suspicious of this person, you need to respect that. If you just have a jealous partner, that’s not a good enough reason. Sorry, it’s just not.

Side Note: On a personal note, when I first entered the working world I had to get used to the concept of having coffee and lunch with other men. It was weird at first. I assumed everyone was in some way attracted to me, and while it may have been true for some of the men, others were interested in networking.

Also, consider this. While in a relationship you should never hang out with a specific person (non-related) of the opposite sex one on one excessively. It’s a recipe for disaster. Even though I have a couple of male best friends, I would never hang out with them one on one every day. There is zero attraction on both ends, but it’s just a respect thing for Mr. J. That’s what he is there for. Significant others are a built-in best friend of the opposite sex.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

Dear Work Friends Becoming Real Friends,

The ultimate challenge in a relationship: determining which friends make the cut!

We can choose to believe that all of our friendships are healthy and supportive. Who wants to question rather or not the people around us our negatively influencing us or our relationship? Unfortunately, the older we become and grow within our personal relationship, some people simply no longer have the same place (or any place at all) in our lives.

And guess what?? That’s not a bad thing! We are continually growing as individuals; some for the worst, some for the best. Keep your circle positive!

When it comes to maintaining friendships with the opposite sex, exercise common sense. If you are sleeping with this person on the side or praying you someday will, it’s probably in your best interest to let that friendship fall by the wayside. I could care less if you met this person at work, school, the gym — all “new” friends should be introduced into your significant other’s life. I’m not saying the two of them need to become best friends, but they at least need to pass the smell test.

Cheers!

Mr. J

P.S. I low-key didn’t answer the question, but you can still catch my drift!

 

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Social Media Complications

Hey Love Fans,

We received two similar questions, so we decided to address them both at the same time.

Love,

J&J

Dear Love Jays,

1. What’s your opinion on social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc) and photo sending apps (like Snapchat or Wink!) in relationships?

2.Social media is causing a huge rift in my relationship!! What can I do??

Dear Social Media Problems,

Social media allows us to easily keep in touch with friends, express new ideas, share pictures and sometimes it even aids us in securing a job. When used responsibly, social media can be a great resource. Unfortunately, there are many people who use and abuse this resource and let social media invade rational thinking.

Side Note: Computer confidence is an epidemic. How many selfies have you seen in the past 24 hours? How many bold statuses have you read? How many debates have you witnessed? How many “inventive” hashtags have you read? Such a mess. Had to get that out, let’s get back on track!

When in a relationship the rule of thumb is this:

Do NOT do anything you wouldn’t do in person behind the protection of your computer or mobile device.

Really, that rule should be applied to everyone, relationship or not.

This means:

  1. If you and your significant other have a fight, you don’t need to send subliminal messages to everyone who follows you, letting them know just how upset you are. It’s a cry for attention and no one really cares in the way you want. Stop.
  2.  No flirting. It’s tacky and disrespectful.
  3. Don’t exchange private messages with someone you are attracted to or who is attracted to you. JUST DON’T. Even if you are just talking about apples and oranges. DON’T. If they message you and you just have to respond, respond publicly. For example, if someone messages you on Facebook saying, “I really miss you, you looked great last night.” You should respond on their wall saying something along the lines of “That’s great of you to say, hope all is well.” The person will/should get the hint. If they don’t, cease communication.
  4. No almost naked pics. Believe it or not, your grandchildren will have access to everything you post someday. Show some class, not your ass.
  5. BE RESPONSIBLE! You ultimately know what is and is not appropriate.

As long as both parties are following these guidelines, there is no reason why two people can’t enjoy social media while in a relationship. If a significant other is using social media the correct way and their partner still has a problem, then there may be another issue.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Miss J

Dear Social Media Effing Things Up,

Social media in relationships…where do we begin. I would love to say “exercise common sense”, but it seems like appropriate social media behavior isn’t very common.

I’m a social media junkie — Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn — you name it, I’m using it or have at least given it a try. The whole tech space is very interesting and the ability to connect with just about anyone is pretty damn awesome. While I would agree social media is a powerful connection tool, it is also a powerful destruction tool.

Social media gives us the complete freedom of talking to whomever, whenever, wherever INSTANTLY. And within this instants, we can spark up a conversation with that one person we shouldn’t be messaging or share pictures hoping no one screen shots their Snapchat. Why do we these things? Fun? Bored? Lonely? Validation? The list is endless. Regardless the reasons, social media shouldn’t end your relationships (unless of course the actions were extra reckless). If you have some concerns with your significant other’s social media behavior, it may be time for a little conversation.

But before you decide to open the floor for conversation — make sure your reasons are solid. If you snooped on their stuff and found something you didn’t like, that’s all on you.

Cheers!

Mr. J

 

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Battling Insecurities

Dear Love Jays,

I’m having a similar problem to one that was recently submitted about a controlling boyfriend. The difference? I’m the controlling one. :-/

I recognize the fault in myself; I know I can be overly controlling with my boyfriend, and I can tell that it stems from a major insecurity in myself. But I love this man very much and I definitely don’t enjoy being that way with him. I’d like to do anything I can not to be that way with him because I love him. I’m having a hard time with the how….. Any suggestions?!

Dear Insecurities Getting In The Way,

Let’s start this on a positive note — kudos for identifying the source of your controlling behavior. Insecurities haunt us all. Rich or poor, oversized or fit, black or white — none of us have it all together. Some do a better job of hiding it than others, but we already know the deal. Okay, tangent over.

Conquering our insecurities is a daily process that requires constant attention and effort. We do not have the luxury of turning off our insecurities, therefore, we cannot afford to ignore them and hope they magically go away. It’s easy to sit idle with this mindset because facing our insecurities is uncomfortable. Can you think of anything more dreadful than looking in the mirror and identifying all the things wrong with us? I didn’t think so. It’s awful, yet unbelievably necessary.

When we open ourselves to vulnerability and expose these shortcomings to our significant other, a powerful shift ignites within your relationship. The facade is stripped away. The makeup is washed off. The relationship transforms from “you vs. me” to “we”. As long as you allow the “you vs. me” to dominate the conversation, your relationship will never fully bloom.

It’s time to put on your favorite shoes and start walking down uncomfortable lane. 🙂

Love,

Mr. J

P.S. If your boyfriend fuels these insecurities, we have a whooooole different set of issues to discuss!

Dear Not In Control,

When we have the desire to control the uncontrollable, it is often the result of being unable to control ourselves. You are not addressing something and it is manifesting in an unhealthy way. The good news is you are on the right track. You have acknowledged your problem. Now you just need help with execution.

First, stop with trying to control your boyfriend. I know it’s hard, but if you don’t, the likelihood of him leaving you is high and completely warranted. Second, you need to identify what you are insecure about. You can do this by asking yourself these questions:

1. Are you afraid he is going to leave you? If so, why?

2. Has anything happened in the past within your current relationship that has added to your insecurities? If so, is it salvageable?

3. Has anything happened in a past relationship that is affecting how you react to your current partner?

4. What do you deserve and why do you feel you deserve it? Is this healthy?

5. At the root of it all, in its simplest form, what is your fear?

These questions are important and they need to be addressed immediately. You need to be completely honest with yourself. Once you do that, you just start chomping away at each problem you identified. It is also important to communicate with your boyfriend and let him know what you are trying to do. You’ll need his support and input if you really want to grow.

Loving someone is a risk. You risk loss, failure, loneliness and heartbreak. It takes a strong and secure person to love someone correctly. His life is not yours to control, but if you play your cards right, it could be yours to share.

Good Luck!

Love,

Miss J

© LoveJays 2013